Life on Life's Ters

Question

Hello Jim - I recently ended a 2yr on/off again relationship with a high functioning alcoholic that I loved deeply. Our time together when he was sober was so spectacular that it kept me around during the drunk craziness far longer than good judgement would dictate. I did finally reach my limit after an over the top debacle with his drinking, and left with the decision that I really had to stay gone. He'd gone thru periods of quitting before but it never stuck & I just didn't believe him any longer. Now of course, he's contacted me with the news that he's quit & started Antabuse which was what he used years ago to quit drinking & subsequently stayed sober for 12 yrs. He sounds clear headed & shared friends back this up. My question is, when do you take the leap of faith & believe? I want him to prove it to me; stay sober & take it slow in repairing our relationship. He wants me back now; fully commit, move in, all or nothing, no waiting. A life with him sober would be wonderful & I don't want to miss out on that chance yet the self preservation part of my brain is shouting out Warning! What are your thoughts? I'm terribly conflicted; can't let him go yet can't seem to go back. Thank you. Kal

Jim LaPierre · Accepted Answer

Hi Kal and thanks for writing. A Recovering alcoholic learns to deal with life on life's terms. It sounds like although he is sber, your man wants it all and he wants it now. There has to be room for compromise to ensure that your needs get met. If he is not willing to go slow and meet your needs in restarting the relationship then that is a huge red flag to me.

It's not about the black and white of do I get into the relationship or do I not. It's about how do you get to a place where you feel comfortable and expressing those needs to him - if he's willing to do that then great and if he's not then I say move on.

Best of luck to you!

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