Question: Hi... Yesterday I left my spouse at the hotel we stayed at for holiday. He had been drinking "in secret" and refused to get in the car to go home. He kept saying leave my sh*t and go. I told him about 5 times I was leaving him there and finally gave one last warning. Then I did something I never thought I could do....I left him there! I drove away and went home! I left him a couple hours from home with his luggage. It's been nearly 48 hours and no word. No activity on his phone at all. What could he possibly be thinking? What do I do now? Please give me some insight. Hurt & Confused

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi, thank you for connecting with me. There's a country music song from a few years back in which the vocalist sings,

"I know what I was feeling, but what was I thinking?"

Your spouse seems to be on a bender and from your description, I would guess that his drinking is long term and perhaps has

been building gradually. Now he has immersed himself in it and apparently has forsaken his responsibilities and your needs and feelings.

Your question, "What do I do now?"

Well, that depends entirely on the outcome you want to achieve.

My question to you is - what do you want?

How honest have you been with yourself about his drinking and the quality of your marriage?

What's best for you?

It's difficult to extrapolate from the limited info you provide so here's my best guess:

Your husband is a long time heavy drinker who has isolated himself and chosen to give into his alcoholism

There is nothing you can do to help him until he comes to the conclusion that he needs help and has a willingness

to change. Has he previously identified that alcohol is a problem for him?

I think it was very healthy for you to leave him there and I'm glad you were able to surprise yourself

My best advice is to turn your attention toward yourself

Is this what you want?

Do you believe he will change?

Do you have supportive people in your life and are you allowing them to be helpful to you?

Please feel free to write me again and I'm happy to answer questions

It sounds like it's time to make some big investments in meeting your needs

Jim

Question: Hello Jim LaPierre. My name is Cristina and i came from Portugal. I live since 4 years in Germany. My husband is german and alcohcolic. He have made in is life 3 long therapies. was sober for 5 years but he drinks at the moment very heavy... He have put me out of the house. I´m guilty for everything... Tryes to put everyone against me. I have write to him a very long brief since he dont speak. 5 days its gone and i dont became any reply from him. I only know that he goes more depressed. Would you be so kind and if you have the time, to tell me if you think that this letter have made "light" on his heart... """ I would like to say same words that are in my heart but also in my throat… I've taken your advice and since 5 weeks I go to a therapeut, and he thinks it’s also a good idea to write to you. I would like to start by calling your obsession (drinking) your Lover. When you see this word you will know from what I´m talking about. You say that i don't get more, that I have all, too much… . From your Lover I became ALL! Too much pain, hurt, lost of respect, lost of my husband, lost of my home (and I don’t mean house). An ax on the table, a television command flying in my head, a head butt, charged words with hate jealous of sadness aggression. A life and plans for a beautiful future completely destroyed, reduced to powder. Go the police or the judge? It is your right do to so And say what? That from the 5 days that you gave your Portuguese woman living in Germany, without any family, only her husband, to leave the house and she came out with 50.00 euros in her pocket and no job and no place to live or possibility... That same woman after she was out came again to you for 2 times and have clean your home, or when you made the farewell dinner for her that was only to humiliate her before the family , she still came back the next day to clean the kitchen, the bathroom, wash your clothes and even sat at the table with you to eat. That same woman that has respect you as a husband, person and human being. That had to ask your ex-wife for help to find one place to live ... your ex-wife ... Who lives in the house of your former father in law ... The same woman that never have said to you that you must go out and find a normal job like everyone and bring money to the house. The woman that have respect your freedom so that you make with your professional and private life what you wish. The woman that gave you power to show your paintings.The woman that don’t gave you power to open the tattoo studio in Oberndorf… The same woman that says to your daughters to have hope that you will go back to be the Papa they both love and that says that the Love they have for you will heal all. The woman who have not steal you anything, that have not destroy anything of yours, who respected and continue to respect your name and your property. That have not beat you physically or verbally. I am not and will never be as certain people from your past, no matter how much your Lover wants to make me an aggressor! My heart was always love and is full of love that will die! The intervention when your Mother, Ulrike, and your daughters were there in the house on December 29, I see and I realize now that it was arrogant of me! I never had the right to require you that you'd stop drinking. It would have to come from you that will. But I did for love and everything that is done for love should be forgiven. For this mystake I will regret the rest of my life. It was never my intention to point the finger at you or humiliate you !!! But it was very sad and frustrating to realize that you wanted not more being away from your Lover and realize that she would take you from us again ... Freedom is your greatest wish !? Irony that you are not free ... You're yes prisoner of your Lover. That every day you captivates more and more from you until you have anything more to offer ... Still she will continue to require from you the loyalty and dedication that she needs ... Until there is nothing left of you … I am not an aggressor as you are not aggressor !!! We are all, you also victims! Victims of your Lover !!! Timo, complete and whole MAN. Son, father, brother, husband, friend, artist, thinker, Sensitive, Human. Person with so many gifts and possibilities. Full of defects but loved with these same defects. What good it would be if one day you could get out of your mask of arrogance and manipulation and look yourself in the mirror and see the HUMAN that it reflects and that you could love HIM. What good it would it be if you look inside your heart and understand that what your Lover gives you is so little compared to what you are! To Timo with a 12 years boy Soul, I just want to thank! All!!! And there would never be enough words or paper to express the gratitude for what this Human taught me and showed me. For teaching me to cook, playing xadrez, for teaching me to like me, for believing in me and in my abilities, to challenge me every day, working on me to want to learn more, the unconditional friendship, for always being by my side. Helping me to study, to learn German, with homework. The wonderful attitudes that he had to me in my days of sadness, tears that he cleansed me and kissed my mouth. Who showed me a country that i have learned to love that showed me so many beautiful and inspiring places that inspired my Soul. That showed me in my country so many wonderful sites. That gave me a family that I love like my real family. Thank you for the love and affection you have for Portugal and with my friends. Thank you for helping me with my obsession with the diazepam. That urged me to learn to ride a bike. That urged me to like to walk, so I lose weight. Who challenged me to lose my fears. Thank all that he built for me or for us. All that he created to make me happy to show me how much he loved me. All the dreams that have come true and also the dreams that were not fulfilled. Thank you for the music, the evenings fireplace. By sunny days. Thank you for the honor of choosing me to be your wife and use your name. Thanks for the amazing orgasms, the caress of the skin. For helping me to free myself sexually. Thank you for your madness that made me too crazy in your hands, in your skin in your sex. My body hurts until today longing for yours. From your smell, from your touch. Sex, love, pleasure, feeling. Thanks for touching my soul. The small Portuguese that became your wife in soul and heart still loves you and will love you to death. And you know I do not need a man to live. I will follow my own life. The love that I always felt for you will always be enough to make me smile. Say many thanks to your Lover for me, that she have taken me the future that was still to live, but also say to her that she didn't win!!! The past and what I have lived and enjoyed and feel and loved is in my memories in my skin in my heart deep in my soul!!! And this she or anyone cannot take from me, never!"""" Many thanks and best regards Cristina Santos Serrer

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Greetings, Cristina, thank you for reaching out and connecting with me. If I understand correctly, you are grieving the loss of your lover to alcoholism, but you are grateful for the time and love and will treasure the memories. I think that's beautiful and healthy. I hope I understand correctly that you are disengaging and accepting that you cannot separate your man and his "lover" and so you are moving on to freedom, recognizing that he must come to this on his own, most likely by hitting bottom.

I wish you the very best. I hope that your letter awakens something within him.

Please take excellent care of yourself and please write me if I can be of service.

Very best,

Jim

Question: Hello, I have a 20year old daughter who is a heroin addict and It's the most horrifying thing I have ever been through even worse than the gang stalking I have went through for the last 10 yrs...anyway that is a separate problem. I am trying to do the tough love thing and it was finally forced on me because my daughter was kicked out basically for addiction and she has caused me to almost be evicted because of her outbursts and drug use at my house. It has been very hard for me to do considering she was assaulted a few years ago and that is when she became a heroin addict. (it goes deeper than just that) and since I am a target, I feel that she is and has been in danger. So sometimes if she comes over and I see that she looks really bad off, tired and dirty, that as a mom I let her stay a night or two, risking losing my place. I feel I am suppose to use my mother instincts as well and I am just extra worried about her on the streets and I cry everyday when I think about her out there getting high and men taking advantage of her and just treating her bad and her being so out of it that who knows what happens! I want to move out of this town and possibly get a place with my sister and kids somewhere, and the only problem is my daughter cant go like she is so I want to get her clean so that I can take her away from here but I havent got her detox or inpatient yet because where I live there isnt anything free and they want high down payments that I just dont have. She said she would get help if she got detox and inpatient and so now I am so sad that I just cant put her in right away when she says that because I cant afford it!! I feel so sad and guilty like she is waiting on me now. I have to move! When it comes down to it, what if I set it up in another city, what if she wont go right away and so I have no idea the order to do this and also do you have to live in a town to use their resources? I have many questions but I want to know, how long should I wait for her to get clean before I go on with my life? I cant sleep good I am constantly worried and ill be 40 next month and so I feel my life is passing by and I just want to get out of here and away from negative people myself etc. I cant leave her here on the streets what if something happens to her! But also maybe I need to move and hope she follow? I cant budge I am frozen with stress alone and harassed stalked etc....what should I do? Also a good man from high school offered me to move to where he is and anyway, do I wait for her or do I go on? I feel too sad but I need to know what a professional would tell me. I am so depressed, sad and angry that I feel I am losing my mind and i already get SSI for being terrorized and so decisions are too hard for me and the evil is trying to suck me in and I just need away from here and so does she. I feel they have did this to control and trap me from leaving by getting her to where she is it seems to me and I am at wits end. What would you do?

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Thank you for writing to me and for posing a question that a lot of families struggle with.

Short answer - if you have the option to move - do so as quickly as possible

No amount of sacrificing your well being and mental health are going to benefit your daughter.

You getting your needs met and becoming healthier means you are better equipped to help her

when she is ready to be helped.

I have children in their twenties and so my heart goes out to you all the more

I can only imagine how difficult this choice is for you

As a professional, I say that you must not enable

You must not protect your daughter from the consequences of her drug use

I know that this feels cruel

but it is not

it is the only thing that can work

I urge you to reach out to your local churches and to the Salvation Army

as these are often the best resources when treatment is not available

Blessed be,

Jim

Question: We are elderly parents of mentally ill alcoholic 30 yr old son. We are the social security disability payee and pay his rent, bills, etc. He has been in many, many treatment programs to no avail. He is constantly picked up by police drunk in street, parking lots, woods, and brought to hospitals. He has now accumulated $5,000 worth of fines, etc. He gets money for drinking by lying to me, needs money for food, etc. If i refuse he begs for money...No friends or relatives will have anything to do with him. We are getting too old to run around to police stations and hospitals, however, being the payee representative, i feel responsible for paying his bills. I realize there is a great need for me to change things around so that he becomes responsible for his choices, not me. After so many years of this i am overwhelmed with payments, bills, court dates, etc. Being on first name basis with crisis staff at local hospital is not fun. How do I become not responsible for him? Its very very hard to love someone like this and not enable him. Just today he called needs cigarettes, In hospital 40 miles from here. I am getting resentful. Do not want to drive there and drop off cigarettes. But i hold the money. I feel myself losing it mentally and physically.

Rob Danzman Says...:

Let me start by stating you clearly love your son. You are also in a bad position which is only, in my humble opinion, heading in the very unhealthy direction of financial insolvency, mental and medical break down for you. Psychological stressors are linked to heart disease, stroke and compromised immune function. If you and your spouse do not change your behavior, nothing will change. 

Here are a few assumptions I would be making if acting as your therapeutic advisor:

1. Your son is ill to an extent that's beyond your ability or means to dramatically change him 
2. Your son is not interested, committed or able to commit to real, sustained change
3. You and your spouse will not live forever and should not spend your remaining years acting as caregivers
4. You and your spouse have limited means and need to develop a plan for the near and long term with the major goal of handing responsibility over to someone else
5. You love your son and the above observations will be the hardest choices made in your life

There are several clinical, legal and financial professionals that can help carry part of the burden. But all of this is irrelevant if you and your spouse do not set a final, specific set of limits with your son. One strategy might be to remove financial responsibility sooner than later from you to someone else so you absolve yourselves of that stressor. This would make it easier for you to start setting boundaries. If you can't hand that task over to someone else, at least set a limit of no more cash. Not one dime. I don't care if he begs for a stick of gum - no more money. If he's hungry, you take him to the store and buy food or he comes to eat a meal at your house. If he's got a utility bill due, you can pay it directly. Cash is more his addiction than the alcohol. No more. He's developmentally more like a teen and the limits set for him should be consistent and congruent with his developmental age. If he was able to handle money, he would not have been assigned a payee. Why give him any money? Because he (or his addiction??) manipulates you and takes advantage of your compassion as a mother. Stop it today. 

Next, I would find a clinical case manager or therapist that can support you from a mental health and advocacy perspective. You need to talk with someone. You need someone to coach you through and act as your cheerleader. It's time to share the burden with someone else. It's not uncommon for our agency to work with parents and act solely as their counselor to help them develop coping mechanisms to get them through tough times. It's important to develop a team-approach and outsource the responsibility of facilitating treatment between different providers or professionals. This role is not something appropriate for a parent to do. A good clinical case manager will also be able to help you find resources for your son that have longer lasting impact. 

Finally, it's time to start refocusing on your lives. You will not live forever so it's time to get busy living. You may feel like you are abandoning your son or ignoring his pain but I assure you, his issues are not fixed by your suffering. Definitely plan time to see him and help him, but make sure he is only a portion of your life rather than the majority of your day. 

I sincerely hope this helps point you in a healthy direction for you and your family. Caring parents like you two should not have to suffer and endure this on your own. 

Question: I understand that one person can’t make another person want to accept addiction but when it’s a literal life and death situation are there any more extreme things a family can do to get the person to understand that they are killing themselves? My brother is a cocaine user. 2 years ago he had really severe headaches and it turned out he had a brain aneurysm that was caused by cocaine addiction. He had to have open skull surgery to clip the aneurysm and at that time he swore he was done with cocaine and everything else. Now I just heard from a friend that she saw him using again. He could have a brain bleed and drop dead at any time and using cocaine puts him at high risk of sudden death. My parents have been through hell with worry about him and I don’t know if I should tell them what I know or if there is nothing any of us can do if it is better that they do not know. I do not know if an intervention is going to work since he already had a near death experience and promised to get help. He did not get help but I am pretty sure he stopped for some time since he was quite weak for several months after his surgery.

Jennifer Hamilton Says...:

I highly recommend that you attempt to talk to your brother about your concerns. You can talk with him in a non-judgemental way and offer to assist him with getting some help this time. Point out to him that there is no shame in needing and asking for help. You can learn more about how to help him at smartrecovery.org. They take a different approach than Alanon. They believe someone close to the person with addiction has the best opportunity to help provide an intervention and encourage them to get help. There is also help for the addict on this web site. Some states have laws that can help you force someone into rehab, but most have many loop holes and are rarely used successfully. Best wishes.

Question: My wife is becoming an alcoholic. I think it is still in the early stages but it is clear that she has a problem that she will not admit to and that she is very defensive about. To give you an example, when we went to a cottage for a week and she brought 5 bottles of wine and I actually thought that she was cutting down and I was happy. Then later I found empty bottles of vodka that she must have hidden. I confronted her on this but she denied hiding them (but she did) and that she was on vacation and that was why she was drinking more than normal. She was so furious that I would dare criticize her drinking. She always throws all her accomplishments in my face as if that makes it OK. I know at least one of her good friends has mentioned her drinking to her. She used to keep it at home but now when she goes out for dinner or drinks with friends she does not control herself like she used to. It is obvious that she is sliding down quickly. I am at a loss about what to do and we are barely talking because she is so angry with me because I won’t pretend I don’t notice her getting drunk anymore. Now that I have called it out it is like a big wedge between us. I don’t know what to do. Should I give her an ultimatum to force her to go to rehab? I know she loves me but she is so angry and out of control right now I think she might choose alcohol over anything else.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there and thank you for sharing your story. I've heard countless similar accounts and my heart goes out to you. From what you've told me, there's no question your wife has a serious problem with alcohol. Sadly, nothing that you've shared suggests she will respond well to an ultimatum. Forcing an alcoholic to stop drinking never works. In the best case scenario she will resent you for it and in all likelihood it won't last. She has to choose this for herself.

Instead of trying to protect her from herself please take care of you. She may be able to maintain her current functioning for quite a while to come but it will be a downward spiral (it always is). Please do not protect her from any natural consequence of her drinking (including ending the relationship if that is what you want). It's tragic but when we protect an alcoholic from suffering, we deny them motivation to change. Please turn your attention to yourself and take very good care of you. Wishing you the very best, Jim

Question: Hello, My ex has allowed a childhood friend who is an active alcoholic to move in to her house with my 15 yr old daughter. the story is that she has sold her house and needs a "temporary" place to live while looking for a new one. My ex has good intentions but I know there is no time frame on her stay or "rules" to living in the house. My past experience in attending Al Anon meeting has made me aware of the potential issues with this arrangement. There has already been one 911 call when it was thought that the alcoholic may have taken too many sleeping pills. My girl experience the whole scene with the ambulance and police attending the call. Fortunately she recovered and was fine. Yesterday I went to the house to get a tool from the garage, the alcoholic meet me at the door completely intoxicated. I asked her if she was attending any meetings or talking with a counselor to which she said 'no". I am deeply concerned for the alcoholic but even more so for my daughter. I am looking for a set of recommended "rules" for the alcoholic to adhere too for my ex that addresses the time she can stay at the house as well as working, attending meetings , etc. But more importantly information as to 'why" for my ex to understand. Thanks in advance, Mike

Rob Danzman Says...:

This is a tough situation since it sounds like a) there are many safety concerns yet you have little control since it's your ex's home b) you actually have some respect for your ex's motives and c) there's a real alcoholic involved. 

Here's the super simple but hard reality - The focus should not be on the alcoholic friend. Your resources (time, money and energy) should be spent developing and nurturing a co-parenting approach with your ex and and teaching/role modeling to your daughter healthy boundaries/self-advocacy. 

Creating a Parent Agreement (basically, instruction manual for co-parenting) is essential when separated/divorced couples have children. It should include very specific rules, expectations, rewards, consequences for your daughter as well as expectations for who will be allowed in each of your homes and, ultimately, in your daughter's life (to the extent that's reasonable). Baked into this Parent Agreement should address keeping your daughter safe - not only physically safe but psychologically safe. For example - you said that your daughter witnessed the whole near-suicide drama brought about by the alcoholic roommate and that your daughter was fine. I bet she's not but may not be explicitly communicating it. 

Now, about the whole healthy boundaries/self-advocacy stuff with your daughter. These are essential skills we want all children to have. If the focus is on the alcoholic friend, you have a wack-o-mole problem - Will you really be able to neutralize every unhealthy person that crosses your daughter's path? Not likely. Teach her how to communicate her needs and wants while also clearly and appropriately expressing where her boundaries are (mentally, physically, emotionally, etc). This is a fantastic opportunity to encourage compassion for others (ie. mom's sick friend) without compromising her life. 

While I'm confident you can make a big dent in this mess, I highly encourage you, your daughter and ex to meet with a family therapist to learn and practice communication skills, parenting agreement and healthy boundaries. I don't think you all need to 'process' much but I do think these skills mentioned above could prove invaluable. 

Question: my husband is in an inpatient treatment facility getting help for crack/cocaine/soboxone/xanax. Before he left he left a trail of damage that hasnt been dealt with leaving me angry and alone once again. I want him to get the help he needs and live a successful sober life together. My question is when is it ok to bring up the issues that are left up in the air. I dont want to set him off or trigger a relapse when he comes home but there are serious issues that i feel i need to deal with and unanswered questions about things that happened before he left. He wants me to come and visit which requires a 2 day class to understand what he is going through and addiction. i plan to do whatever it takes to support him but there is no class for him to take that explains what i am going through because of his actions. When does it stop being all about the addict? Is there ever a day that happens? I need things to be about healing and repairing damage that i have been through as well

Anna Deeds Says...:

Thank you for your question. You are absolutely right that everything cannot be about the addict. As his wife, his addiction has affected you in many ways. I suggest you start going to Nar-Anon meetings for support and to deal with your feelings about having an addict for a husband. Use the link to find a meeting in your area.

Part of recovery is learning to deal with the mess you have made and taking responsibility for your actions. I do understand your concerns about pushing him to deal with things too soon. Too much pressure can lead to relapse but only if the addict is not reaching out for help from the recovery community or addressing their ability to handle stress. He should be addressing many of these issues in rehab and learning how to deal with them without relapsing.

I suggest you bring these issues up with the staff of the rehab when you visit. The staff will better know how well your husband is progressing and how much he can handle. It sounds like a good rehab that they have you take a class before you visit. I suspect many of these issues will be addressed there. And you will probably have the opportunity to ask questions. Ask them if he is ready to handle some of the issues you need to discuss. And if not, ask when would be a good time to address them.

I also think you should both go to counseling when he returns home. Counseling will help you start to heal and can help you deal with some of the issues that are still unresolved. It may take time to resolve the many issues that result from an addiction. Take one thing at a time, prioritizing the most pressing issues first. Process your feelings about everything that has happened with individual counseling and Nar-Anon meetings. Your husband may need an individual counselor and you both may need couples counseling to deal with healing your relationship.

It sounds like you have patience and are willing to put work into repairing the relationship. If your husband is as willing, you should be able to resolve these issues in time and have a healthier, stronger relationship. Good luck to your husband with his recovery and good luck to you with yours!

Question: Lived 6 years with the addict. 3 years in we had a theft. He blamed my son and said he never felt the same way about after the theft. I dont know how it was my fault. We stayed together me harping all the time about his drinking. After 7 years being together i began Alanon and was no longerhis drinking partner. I found out he was cheating one day and confronted him. He moved out that very day into her apt. He said he loved her. He took almost a year before he said those words to me. She is a bartender in our small town. How can 2 alkies be together. I just bewildered that his brother died age 40 of alcoholism and this did not wake him up to the reality he could die. Instead he says I dont deserve an alcoholic and find someone like me. Also shortly one night he came home drunk and tried to hug me then said never mind you just think I'm a drunk. I can't understand how he can be happy. I keep thinking now he is with her he will be happy and quit drinking. That's not realistic. He is an alcoholic as she is too. Both hv jobs. Help me I'm so crushed by all this devastation.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there thank you for writing. It seems you have clarity and are seeing the truth and it simply hurts too much to accept. Go slow - be patient with yourself and be kind. In my experience:

_ We say we're trying to figure things out but what we're really doing is procrastinating moving on.

_ We say, "I don't understand..." When what we really mean is "I fucking hate it that..."

There's a lot of powerlessness in this transition - but only when you seek to hold him accountable/change him.

Let go of that and change you. I'm sorry you were hurt and I hope you let go of that pain bit by bit.

Blessed be,

Jim

Question: My wife is complaining that she can’t feel her legs very well and I can see that she is weak and unstable. She is a heavy drinker and she has been drinking at least a bottle of wine each night for about 5 years, and often times it is two bottles a night. She never drank before that and then she did a wine tasting club and it is like she fell into a rabbit hole. I am sure she is an alcoholic but she will not even discuss that idea. What are the odds that she has alcoholic neuropathy? I do not think she has been drinking for long enough to get this but the symptoms seem to match her condition very well. She will not go to a doctor and I think it is because she knows the doctor will tell her to stop drinking and she cannot allow that to happen. If the doctor tells her to stop and she can’t then she is an alcoholic. If no one tells her to stop then she can keep drinking as a ‘social drinker’. I really don’t know what to do in this situation. It seems that she is starting to drink herself to death and I have to sit here and watch her do it.

Jennifer Hamilton Says...:

I am not a physician and therefore, cannot give you a medical diagnosis for your wife. It is certain that any daily drinking that exceeds two drinks a day can lead to both health problems and impairment problems. I recommend you seek help for yourself. Often times when we recognize that we cannot make another person change, we gain power over changing ourselves. You may seek out a professional counselor, go to an Al-Anon meeting or try an on-line help service such as SMART Recovery which provides help to the alcoholic/addict and the family. It is an alternative to the AA/ Al-Anon model. I wish you the best.