Living With An Addict Q&A
10 experts · 99 questions answered
Latest Q&As
What is he thinking?
Hi, thank you for connecting with me. There's a country music song from a few years back in which the vocalist sings, "I know what I was feeling, but what was I thinking?" Your spouse seems to be on a bender and from your description, I would guess that his drinking is long term and perhaps has been
Answered by Jim LaPierre
Acceptance Yields Freedom
Greetings, Cristina, thank you for reaching out and connecting with me. If I understand correctly, you are grieving the loss of your lover to alcoholism, but you are grateful for the time and love and will treasure the memories. I think that's beautiful and healthy. I hope I understand correctly tha
Answered by Jim LaPierre
Rcok and a Hard Place
Thank you for writing to me and for posing a question that a lot of families struggle with. Short answer - if you have the option to move - do so as quickly as possible No amount of sacrificing your well being and mental health are going to benefit your daughter. You getting your needs met and becom
Answered by Jim LaPierre
Heading Towards the Cliff
Let me start by stating you clearly love your son. You are also in a bad position which is only, in my humble opinion, heading in the very unhealthy direction of financial insolvency, mental and medical break down for you. Psychological stressors are linked to heart disease, stroke and compromised i
Answered by Rob Danzman
Interventions
I highly recommend that you attempt to talk to your brother about your concerns. You can talk with him in a non-judgemental way and offer to assist him with getting some help this time. Point out to him that there is no shame in needing and asking for help. You can learn more about how to help him a
Answered by Jennifer Hamilton
Why Ultimatums Don't Work
Hi there and thank you for sharing your story. I've heard countless similar accounts and my heart goes out to you. From what you've told me, there's no question your wife has a serious problem with alcohol. Sadly, nothing that you've shared suggests she will respond well to an ultimatum. Forcing an
Answered by Jim LaPierre
Wife Picking up the Pieces after Rehab
Thank you for your question. You are absolutely right that everything cannot be about the addict. As his wife, his addiction has affected you in many ways. I suggest you start going to Nar-Anon meetings for support and to deal with your feelings about having an addict for a husband. Use the link to
Answered by Anna Deeds
Ex-Wife's Alcoholic Friend
This is a tough situation since it sounds like a) there are many safety concerns yet you have little control since it's your ex's home b) you actually have some respect for your ex's motives and c) there's a real alcoholic involved. Here's the super simple but hard reality - The focus should not be
Answered by Rob Danzman
Letting Go
Hi there thank you for writing. It seems you have clarity and are seeing the truth and it simply hurts too much to accept. Go slow - be patient with yourself and be kind. In my experience: _ We say we're trying to figure things out but what we're really doing is procrastinating moving on. _ We say,
Answered by Jim LaPierre
Alcoholic Neuropathy
I am not a physician and therefore, cannot give you a medical diagnosis for your wife. It is certain that any daily drinking that exceeds two drinks a day can lead to both health problems and impairment problems. I recommend you seek help for yourself. Often times when we recognize that we cannot ma
Answered by Jennifer Hamilton
Life on Life's Ters
Hi Kal and thanks for writing. A Recovering alcoholic learns to deal with life on life's terms. It sounds like although he is sber, your man wants it all and he wants it now. There has to be room for compromise to ensure that your needs get met. If he is not willing to go slow and meet your needs in
Answered by Jim LaPierre
Powerlessness When Our Loved Ones are Hurting
Hi there and thank you for your question. I hear your concern and the love you have for your daughter so clearly in your words and I wish that everyone had that. To answer your question directly, indeed it may be the best thing for her to seek divorce - here's the rub - she needs to have her boundar
Answered by Jim LaPierre
This is Your Wake Up Call
Hi Melinda and thank you for writing to me. Melinda, you know that your husband is an active alcoholic. You know that he's not trying to be sober. You know that the consequences of his actions have not changed his behavior, and from what you're telling me he shows no concern whatsoever as to how his
Answered by Jim LaPierre
Becoming a parent after an alcohol addiction
It is really great that you have been able to get sober and stay that way for so long. You must take a lot of pride in your transition. In all likelihood your kids do also. However, they will never become the children you wish you had. Their caution is healthy, and it is important that you accept it
Answered by Ari Hahn
Enabled
Dear Anonymous, This sounds like a totally unfair situation. You are likely responsible, employed and have what professionals call an 'internal locus of control' - you own your choices, good or bad. Unfortunately, your sister does not have the same. She has was you would call entitlement (profession
Answered by Rob Danzman
Relationships & Relpase
Absolutely delightful to read your question and to hear from such a sensitive soul as you. I have nothing but good news for you - starting with this: Your partner alone is responsible for whether or not they use/drink. No one else in this world bears that responsibility. Relationships are not a caus
Answered by Jim LaPierre
Support for Loved One Home from Rehab
Thank you for your question. I'm happy for you that your husband entered treatment. First, I'd like to recommend Nar-Anon which is a self-help group for family and friends of addicts. Addiction is just as difficult for family as it is for the addicted person. Nar-anon can be support for you and help
Answered by Anna Deeds
Take My Wife...Please
Hi there and thanks for your question. It's good to hear from folks who struggle with female partners - we hear more often about men and alcohol. You were not at all wrong to show her the truth about her behavior. You did her a very loving and honorable service. The difficulty is - what will she be
Answered by Jim LaPierre
Disclosure Dilemna
Dear Grandparent, First of all, your grandson is fortunate to have someone in his life that care about him enough to ask tough questions like this. Basically, you're asking whether to tell him the truth about his father. In situations like this, I'm struck by our immediate response which is to creat
Answered by Rob Danzman
Affected Other and the Hardest Choices a Person Can Make
Thank you for your question - my heart goes out to you. I have known far too many good women in your position. As a parent of a son the same age as your so...I can only imagine how hard this is for you. My thought is that your son has proven that you can't protect him from his disease - you can only
Answered by Jim LaPierre
Letting Go While Holding On
Hi there and thanks for not only your important question but for sharing a common struggle that is painful to bear. It sounds like you really want the relationship to work and that you love her very much. I'm wondering if the two of you took a shortcut in which something that had been building for a
Answered by Jim LaPierre
Manipulative Mother (...In-Law)
Dear Anonymous, Sounds like a mess with no easy way out. If have read any of my previous responses to other questions or blogposts on our site , you'll know one of the big themes in our work is setting and maintaining boundaries. These boundaries are typically being set for loved-ones that do not re
Answered by Rob Danzman
Supporting and not Enabling
Hi there - thanks for your question. My first thought is where is your son getting the money to buy a lot of marijuana? If he's not working how does he afford this? My guess is that he is living rent free and not having to maintain other responsibilities. I would urge you to move slowly away from su
Answered by Jim LaPierre
Finding Local Help
A reader is helping a sibling recover from heroin and meth addiction, and is looking for a doctor to assist with detox and a rehab program, while keeping it from their parents.
Answered by John Lee
Love vs. Enabling
Dear Anonymous, I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles with your daughter and wish I had either a quick fix or better news. The bottom line is A) You will always love her because she's your daughter and B) You can not provide enough money, intervention or help to save her (at least not by yoursel
Answered by Rob Danzman
Sacrifice for our children
You really are at a place that having your own therapist who is familiar with addiction issues would be your best bet. It is not unusual for loved ones to develop anxiety, struggle with appropriate boundaries and question everything at a time like this. You do want to support your son, while not ena
Answered by Jennifer Hamilton
Smart Recovery Family Support
I do not know much about the program from personal experience, but I do know about the CRAFT model and it is well documented to be effective. It is a model that is conducive to the principles I believe in for the person in recovery. It teaches you to do a lot of what I would do in therapy with your
Answered by Jennifer Hamilton
Potentiating Opiates with Antihistamines
Finnegan is probably phenergan, also known as promethazine. This is an antihistamine and anti-nausea drug that is sometimes taken by recreational drug users to potentiate the effects of opiates - if you take phenergan and an opiate together you get a stronger high than you would if just took the sam
Answered by John Lee
Of All that You Can Choose, Choose You
Hello and thank you for your question. I am assuming that what you're describing is not something that happened only over a very short period of time but rather has become an increasingly problematic state of affairs. Your husband is clearly experiencing problems that result directly from his drinki
Answered by Jim LaPierre
Labels Never Tell the Whole Story
Hi there and thank you for writing! I'm so very happy for you that you're not living with such heartbreak and abuse any longer. Trying to make sense of our experiences in retrospect...it allows us to see things more clearly...allows us to see our part in things and it allows us to move toward accept
Answered by Jim LaPierre