Letting Go While Holding On

Question

After my girlfriend got out of rehab she instantly began using again and was seeing a man (whom she met in the inpatient program) to get new connections and continue getting heroin, now injecting instead of inhalation. When I found out I ended the relationship in an explosion of tears and yelling. But after sending her a letter explaining exactly how she had hurt me (including a painful, humiliating description of the std tests I went through) she got a hold of me and we began talking again. She is now about 90 days sober and living well. We are also back together. However I can't seem to find where to start rebuilding my trust in her. She now goes to NA and AA meetings every other day and socializes at sober parties which I can not attend due to distance, work, and privacy reason but I can't seem to trust her. I believe that she is sober now but I find myself completely distrusting the programs that socialized her with people who were forced into sobriety- and thus lead to the infidelity and relapse. How do I find where to start rebuilding my trust with her and with her programs? I would never share with her my complete distrust in her choice of paths through sobriety, but I find myself still writhing from the pain she put me through. It seems that while she's living it up with her new friends I'm still living the pain of the old times with no closure.

Jim LaPierre · Accepted Answer

Hi there and thanks for not only your important question but for sharing a common struggle that is painful to bear. It sounds like you really want the relationship to work and that you love her very much. I'm wondering if the two of you took a shortcut in which something that had been building for a long time exploded and then came back together with great intensity?

Did you process your feelings with her? Did she take responsibility for her hurtful behavior? If not this would be a great starting point.

I consistently find that a person's ability to trust others is founded in their ability to trust themselves. When we have been in denial, when we have remained conflicted and/or wrestle with doubting ourselves, our ability to trust others is compromised.

I urge you to consider Al Anon and/or Nar Anon as resources - those folks know a LOT about what you've been through and what you're going through now - they can guide and support you in making changes.

My guess is that you're stuck feeling betrayed and horribly hurt - and rightfully so. Intellectually you have the understanding that her behavior can be attributed to her addiction but your heart doesn't care about why - it just hurts.

Express everything you feel and identify everything you need and ask for it. Whatever we don't resolve we get to carry.

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