Jim, I read your article "Understanding the Insanity of Alcoholism" and found it so informative but I have a personal question. I am now divorced and trying to make sense whether my marriage ended because of his alcohol use or if he was just abusive by nature. He was a stay-at-home drinker (3-5 drinks per night), came from family of alcoholics but hid it very well so that the first 8 years of marriage I never saw him drink at all but he engaged in this campaign of blackening my name behind my back to friends & his family after I asked about his drinking the last 5 years. He escalated to causing fights then running off to gamble and at the end abandoned me when I faced a major surgery. He stayed in the house, paid no bills and starting using escort services and later he may have had several affairs. If I never saw him drunk or even "tipsy" what do you think I was dealing with? As a note, the last 2 years he did start to hide bottles in garage & that is what started my suspicions. Just curious if you can help my mind put this to rest.
Hi there and thank you for writing! I'm so very happy for you that you're not living with such heartbreak and abuse any longer. Trying to make sense of our experiences in retrospect...it allows us to see things more clearly...allows us to see our part in things and it allows us to move toward acceptance of what we've learned.
There's no doubt i my mind that your husband was an alcoholic throughout your marriage. He was also abusive. Those two things exist for some but not most. His infidelity, his use of escorts and refusal to work...shows emotional immaturity and selfishness.
He is a very sick man and perhaps the best way to conceptualize your marriage is not about his diagnosis, but rather about your choice that you deserve far better. Good for you :)