Answered questions(9)
Manipulative Mother (...In-Law)
My mother in law is a recovering alcoholic. I think she and my husband have a very dysfunctional relationship. Whenever she wants him to do anything she uses her recovery as a way to get him to do what she wants. He is so used to being the caregiver in that relationship and she is so narcissitic and she manipulates him to get what she wants without thinking about anyone else. She does not drive so we go up and spend Saturday night with her every week so we can help her do her groceries and errands. We wanted to go away for a weekend of couple time and then she was all week on the phone talking about how she was about to relapse and calling at all hours and laying on the guilt so thick that my husband just said we had better go see her and we all went to her just like she wanted. This is just one small example of what she does everyday. My husband agrees that she does this but he says he lived with her when she was drinking and he knows she will go back to it to spite him if he doesn’t do what she wants so he says he feels responsible for her. He says she is child like but he needs to protect her from herself. How can I get her to give us some space? I dragged him to an alanon meeting but he thought they were callous.
Read answer →Ex-Wife's Alcoholic Friend
Hello, My ex has allowed a childhood friend who is an active alcoholic to move in to her house with my 15 yr old daughter. the story is that she has sold her house and needs a "temporary" place to live while looking for a new one. My ex has good intentions but I know there is no time frame on her stay or "rules" to living in the house. My past experience in attending Al Anon meeting has made me aware of the potential issues with this arrangement. There has already been one 911 call when it was thought that the alcoholic may have taken too many sleeping pills. My girl experience the whole scene with the ambulance and police attending the call. Fortunately she recovered and was fine. Yesterday I went to the house to get a tool from the garage, the alcoholic meet me at the door completely intoxicated. I asked her if she was attending any meetings or talking with a counselor to which she said 'no". I am deeply concerned for the alcoholic but even more so for my daughter. I am looking for a set of recommended "rules" for the alcoholic to adhere too for my ex that addresses the time she can stay at the house as well as working, attending meetings , etc. But more importantly information as to 'why" for my ex to understand. Thanks in advance, Mike
Read answer →Boozing Brother
My 58 year old brother is an alcoholic. In the last 5 years he has gone through a messy divorce and declared bankruptcy, closing the business he inherited from our dad. Unemployed, he moved in with my mom and spent his days drinking and watching tv. He plays the victim card all the time, complaining how no one has helped him in his life and how everyone in our family are losers. Last November he was arrested for a DUI and released on bond. Two months later he was arrested for an open container ( he was drinking in a mini market parking lot) and his bond was revoked as he had violated its terms. He hired a public defender and has since been through several public defenders and has many continuances. He remains in jail and continously calls our mom claiming his innocence. He has made her think that it is her job to get him out of jail - call the attorney general, call the judge, he is innocent and his rights have been violated. She and I both feel very guilty and I am extremely angry with him for his treatment of her. I live several hundred miles away so I cannot see him in person but I would like to write him a letter getting everything off my chest. My mom is against this as she feels I am kicking him while he is down and I am not being supportive. He is the kind of "you're with me or against me" person so I realize this will be like divorcing my brother. He has no friends and no one has come looking for him or called him the entire time he has been in jail. I have started attending Al-Anon meetings - my mom won't go as she says it won't help him any - and have scheduled a meeting with a therapist. This has really torn our family up - my mother has called me more times than I can count sobbing as to what she can do. Do you think I should write this letter or just continue to try to help myself and heal?
Read answer →Heading Towards the Cliff
We are elderly parents of mentally ill alcoholic 30 yr old son. We are the social security disability payee and pay his rent, bills, etc. He has been in many, many treatment programs to no avail. He is constantly picked up by police drunk in street, parking lots, woods, and brought to hospitals. He has now accumulated $5,000 worth of fines, etc. He gets money for drinking by lying to me, needs money for food, etc. If i refuse he begs for money...No friends or relatives will have anything to do with him. We are getting too old to run around to police stations and hospitals, however, being the payee representative, i feel responsible for paying his bills. I realize there is a great need for me to change things around so that he becomes responsible for his choices, not me. After so many years of this i am overwhelmed with payments, bills, court dates, etc. Being on first name basis with crisis staff at local hospital is not fun. How do I become not responsible for him? Its very very hard to love someone like this and not enable him. Just today he called needs cigarettes, In hospital 40 miles from here. I am getting resentful. Do not want to drive there and drop off cigarettes. But i hold the money. I feel myself losing it mentally and physically.
Read answer →Love vs. Enabling
My daughter has been to treatment programs, NA groups, jail programs, psych holds for meth psychosis, rehabs, halfway houses and everything you can think of probably more than 20 times. She is a stimulant user of meth and crack. I am the only person that she can still count on in her life because she has lied, betrayed, threatened and verbally abused everyone including me so many times that no one in the family will see her again. Last year I got a restraining order against her after she came over and I caught her stealing items to sell and she got violent when I stopped her. That was really hard to do to my only child. After 20 times of trying am I still enabling her when I help her get into programs to quit? She will still call me every few months and ask for help again and again and it always ends with her getting kicked out of programs for using or just running away. I do not know if I stop helping her? Everyone says I should. Is this a part of letting her hit rock bottom but then what is the point of her hitting rock bottom if she can’t get any help? She is only 27.
Read answer →Enabled
I don't know how to get my parents from enabling my younger sister. She is 50 and finally relocated to my parents hometown. She has been unemployed for about 5 years now and is an alcoholic who still drinks because she thinks she can.She has been through rehab 3x but it hasn't worked because she doesn't think she has a problem with alcohol. My parents paid for her move, got her an apartment and helped furnish it; bought her a car and are paying her rent, insurance, etc. until she gets a job. I found out recently that they are allowing her to have alcoholic drinks when they meet for lunch on Sundays. She has also been seen drinking before driving her car. I don't know how to approach my parents without alienating them. They were active in her family rehab outpatient sessions but they are in their 80's and afraid to "let her go homeless or without money." Non of this is helping her and she is just leaching off of them. What is the best way to talk to my parents without alienating them? thanks for any advice!!!
Read answer →Disclosure Dilemna
I am visiting my grandson next week and when I see him (he is 5) he will ask w here is my daddy? Daddy is on 2nd gambling binge. His first binge ended in a suicide attempt and he spent 2 weeks in mental ward. He came home and 3 days later he took off again. The mom (ex-wife) has only told him his daddy is on a business trip. I am opting to tell my grandson the truth. As a recovering sex and love addict I think he will read through all the lies and lose trust for adults.
Read answer →Alcoholic Brother
My brother is an alcoholic. He lives with me. About a year ago I had had enough with his drinking and all the trouble that went along with it and I gave him an ultimatum. He either had to start getting some help and go to AA and try to quit drinking or he would have to leave. He agreed and now he goes to one or two meetings a day and he swears he is trying his hardest to really change his life and turn things around. He does not drink as openly anymore but I can often smell alcohol on him. When I have confronted him on this he admits to having setbacks sometimes but he says it’s just a part of the process of one day at a time. I studied psychology so I know something about addiction and I know that it is sort of a process for life and that relapses are common, so I understand this. But what I am worried about is that he is not even trying, really. I think he is now going to meetings just to get me off his back so he can live with me for free and continue to drink as much as he likes. Actually, it’s better for him now, since now that he is supposedly in recovery and trying his best, everyone treats him with kid gloves all of the time. I want to support him but I don’t want to enable him with a free place to live if he’s not even trying. How can I know if he is trying for real or not? Are there any more measurable standards I could use?
Read answer →Helping a Depressed Neighbor
My neighbor is a good hearted old guy but his wife died from cancer last year and he is sort of unraveling now. He is only in his 60s but he is drinking all day long now and when I talk to him after work he is often very drunk by then. I feel really bad for the guy but he is not interested in talking with me about his drinking. He has a daughter who I have met only twice in the past 12 years and as far as I know no other family. I would like to help him but I do not have a clue what to do. Is there anyone I can call at AA or a group like that who might be able to come out and have a talk with this guy? It seems to me that he is forgotten about by everyone. I know that it is not really my business but it seems wrong to not try to do something.
Read answer →