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Opposite Sex Sponsor

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answered 03:50 AM EST, Sun January 13, 2013
anonymous anonymous
My wife is a recovering alcoholic. She has had trouble finding a sponsor that she feels comfortable with. Now she has found a sponsor that she really likes and she says he gets her and calls her on her bulls**t. The problem is he is a handsome guy and she had an affair before one when she was still drinking. I am feeling insecure I guess but I am just not comfortable with her spending a lot of time with this person. Am I wrong to ask her to change because of my jealousy? It feels wrong, but not asking her feels really wrong too, in my gut.

Anna Deeds Says...

Anna Deeds A. Deeds

Thank you for your question. This is clearly a difficult situation for you. I'm sure you don't want to interfere with your wife's recovery but at the same time you are not happy with your wife having a male sponsor. I would suggest that before you ask her to change her sponsor, have an honest discussion with her about your feelings. Choose a time when you are both calm and can talk about it without arguing. Fighting over this will only drive the two of you farther apart. Think about what you want to tell her beforehand and what the best way to approach the situation is. Try using "I Statements" like "I feel (your feelings) when you spend time with your male sponsor." "I Statements" will help you be honest without putting your wife on the defense because you are not blaming her for how you feel. Explain to her why you are uncomfortable with the situation. Your feelings are reasonable and you have a right for her to hear them. If you hold them in, you will only end up resenting her and snapping at her for other things. When we are angry about something, it finds a way to be expressed even when we try to hold it in.

If you have a discussion about it and still feel the situation is still unresolved, you may want to try couples counseling. Couples counseling is likely to bring you closer together and you may be able to work through any unresolved emotions over her drinking and the affair. I hope everything works out well for the both of you. Good luck!

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