Question: Hi. I am 54, female from a middle class domestic violence family in NC. My father was a violent alcoholic for many years. He had BPD and extreme narcissistic traits as well as sexually abusing me for years. My family hid behind the Baptist church. My mother is a very passive church mouse who stood by her man until he died on their 51st wedding anniversary. I still struggle with CPTSD and BPD myself. I have 465 days recovery from opiate/benzos addiction. Anyway, my question is this: can you help me to understand why I feel such anger at my non-offending mother. She was born in 1929, and I grew up in the 1970s-early 1980s when church schools fought for their rights to operate without having to report anything to government officials and to keep the government out of their business. Plus, our church enforced the submissive wife model who prays for her abusive spouse to change, no matter how he treated her and any children. A lot of people I attended church school with were openly abused. Is it common for ACOA'S to feel anger at the parent who caused them to have to endure he'll on earth and allowed them to become so screwed up? how do I resolve This? She is a big PTSD trigger for me, although I love and pity her. She is sickly and in a nursing home, yet I panic every time I see her. I feel so guilty. Is this common? Any suggestions? She really is a good person, but made some horrendously hurtful decisions in life. She literally had no social support to leave him. Society would have shamed and rejected her if she had left him. She was also financially dependent on him

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there - thank you for connecting with us

Yes, it's incredibly common for ACOAs to be angry and it seems you've already read a lot about those dynamics.

I urge you to consider the common characteristics and roles of ACOAs and find yourself in them

Anyone in your shoes would be angry. You felt unprotected and you looked to her as a child for safety

It makes sense that seeing her triggers you.

Resolution comes from working through the fact thaat your abuser is deceased and moreso, being in the here and now with confidence as a grown woman. When you are panicing or triggered, you probably feel very small and very young

Working on mindfulness and grounding skills will help

Forgive your mother - she did what she could and what she felt she was allowed to

But forgiveness means letting go

and we need a lot of help and support with that

Please lean on loved ones and please write me more if I can help!

Question: Hello. I have read some of your articles and resonate with the things you say. I think I am an alcoholic. I'm not drinking right now, but I'm what you'd call a "dry drunk". I am obsessed with alcohol and think about drinking all day and night. I am living in torment right now. I have seen other therapists but I haven't connected with anybody. I think I read that you do online/phone counseling. I have tricare insurance. I was wondering if you could help me. Thank you, Susan

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi Susan,

Thank you so much for reaching out and connecting with me! I am happy for you that you've achieved a period of sobriety and being a "dry drunk" means that you've yet to make other changes in your life. I am biased in that I see 12 step programs as very effective, free and widely available and so I recommend and defer to them as the real experts.

Telemedicine is evolving and my hope is that within the next two years, online therapy will be reimbused by all insurance companies. One of the greatest challenges curently is that therapists and counselors are only able to practice and serve folks within the state they are licensed in. For me that happens to be Maine.

My suggestion is to consult with folks in local recovery and describe what you're looking for in a counselor - they typically have the best insight into who is most effective.

If I can answer other questions or be helpful in any way, please email me counseling@roadrunner.com

Best,

Jim

Question: Hello, I just read your comments on losing a friend to alcoholism. I agree with your comments and thoughts. I am wondering if there is published research in this area. I am just starting on my counselling degree and would like to explore this area in more detail. Any information you could pass on would be greatly appreciated. Scott

Florence Cameron Says...:

Hello Scott,

I don't know of any research in the area of loss particularly to alcoholism, however, considering addiction with the 'disease model' alcoholism affects so much of the body, organs, brain, etc are affected that many people die of related causes to the disease. There are many reasons people get into counseling and your question could serve as a good dissertation or thesis.

The nuances related to losing a friend or loved one to alcoholism depends on the length of time and severity of their disease. Many people are enabled by family and friends and therefore the disease grips the person so tightly that an emotional jack-hammer would be unable to stop them. The carnage of the degree of deterioration can leave others wounded with scars lasting long after the person has died.

I left my husband when our identical twin sons were 4 years old. I knew I didn't want them exposed to his drinking and consequently his drug use. Though the boys are now grown men they bear the scars of an absent father who was never there emotionally or physically for them. The boys received their black belts in Karate at 16 and attended at least 50 tournaments winning 1st and 2nd each time, their father never saw one nor contributed financially to any of their extra curriculum activities, because the disease is very selfish. The boys would go years without seeing hearing from him. They were FB friends yet he would never contact them through it. Three years ago their father died in a half-way house, alone having bled out after his liver shut down. It must have been a horrible death. The boys became very emotional and were there for him in a way he was never there for them. The pain for me never ends as I had to raise them as a single mother with all the trials and tribulations. The boys, fortunately, grew up with a sense of integrity, have high self-esteem, and are very successful in their careers, as I pushed them to be the best at everything they did. I never missed a tournament, I paid for a lifetime membership, it was expected they were to go to college. The only thing they learned from their father was to never become a slave to a substance that can destroy all the potential one has in life.

I tell this story because addictions, unlike cancer, diabetes, etc., wounds everyone near and dear to the person and takes away their ability to make good choices and decisions about their life. As a society, we must learn how to detach and have strong boundaries so that we can protect ourselves and others when others make the choice to destroy their selves. It is not easy but necessary. If I had of stayed with their father I can only imagine that my son's lives would only be a shadow of what it is now. Thankfully, I made the right choice even though the boys struggle with my decision. They will understand it completely when they are ready.

Great question Scott, I hope you pursue this direction, as it is a field that gets less attention than the substance abusers themselves. Addiction is a family and social disease affecting every connection of the person and the pain reverberates through decades.

Jeannie Cameron

LMHC, MCAP, IC & RC

Naples, FL

Question: I am married to an alcoholic. He first identified himself as an alcoholic 7 years ago after he had a bad fall and a black out and started AA and had a sobriety period of about 2 weeks. Since then he has had different time periods of sobriety that last 2-4 weeks. What I noticed the past 4 years is he has a sifnificant incident while drinking (fall, fight, etc) and he declares sobriety, remains sober for about 3-4 weeks then slowly starts drinking again. His frequency and amount increases over the time span of about 8 months or so until he is consistently binge drinking every weekend, has a significant incident, then starts the pattern all over. He recently had his longest period of sobriety 60 days. I attend Al Al-Anon and am learning a lot but this pattern is difficult to watch and stay out of. Can you provide some insight into what is happening with this pattern? Any ideas on how I can keep myself from participating in it? His sober times are not exactly pleasant either. He is usually anxious, agitated, and irritable. When he drinks he is beligerant and very unpleasant.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hello and thank you for connecting with me and sharing your experience.

The pattern you've described is very common and as you're seeing, it tends to get worse over time.

What we most often see is a gradual decline in the person's ability to function.

To not participate in his patterns is primarily a matter of being true to yourself and not enabling him.

The good news is that the folks you're meeting with at Al-Anon and their literature can teach you a great deal about that.

Not pretending is a big part but not expecting it to change and not attempting to evoke change in him are important considerations. I urge you to focus on yourself and promote your own well being. You may well find that you have some patterns that correspond to his.

I am struck by your words "His sober times are not exactly pleasant either. He is usually anxious, agitated, and irritable. When he drinks he is beligerant and very unpleasant."

This has been true for many years it seems. Perhaps you're holding out hope that he will change but it seems likely to me that closely examining that hope would show it to be unwarranted. Please focus on yourself and on fulfilling your needs. Please contact me if I can answer further questions or otherwise be helpful

Jim

Question: my bf wouldnt consider himslf a alcoholic some nights he rinks more than others some nights only a beer or two but has been drinking for years recently at age 50 has started kinda wetting the bed not bad just more drips could this be the liver or kidneys ? he told me he needs to pee alot lately.

Florence Cameron Says...:

Tina,

That is a great question, as I know there are many more people out there afraid to ask this question. Years of chronic drinking takes a toll on all the organs of the body, none are left unscathed. The brain disease model tells us that when the frontal cortex is malfunctioning all other brain systems are effected. The brain is the body's communication for all bodily processes. I often tell my clients that the organs are not forgiving as it is the cumulative damage over time that weaken and break down before it's time. Cassie Shortsleeve wrote an interesting article in Men's Health magazine where she touts that 0.5 to 2 percent of adults involuntarily pee in their sleep and these are only the ones reported. This can result not only from chronic alcohol consumption, but a myriad of other medical and mental issues. However, in the purview of alcoholism, losing the ability to control bodily functions is part of later stages of the disease. The body can not thrive on a steady diet of poison without breaking down. Alcohol is a toxin and a solvent. Solvents destroy hard coats of finish melting it upon contact. Unfortunately the early years of abuse destroy the brain subtlety. Small changes that are easily dismissed and denied until one day it can't be.

However, Dr. Ulhaker with the Cleveland Clinic states that a chronic drinker will experience a reduction in "antidiuretic hormones (ADH). This is the hormone responsible for our bodies conserving water. ADH permits individuals to not pee out all of the body's liquid. Unfortunately, in chronic drinkers the alcohol suppresses the release of ADH prohibiting the kidneys from reabsorbing water and actually causes production of larger amounts of urine. Just because one may not have drank for hours before bed, this suppression can carry into the night while sleeping.

Alcohol irritates certain muscles in the bladder, which causes a contraction allowing one to pee and lets us know when we have "to go again". We can all attest to that sense of urgency upon waking, but when dead asleep and intoxicated one will miss the cues to wake and pee.

Alcohol use lowers inhibitions and truncates good decision making. Alcohol use makes people act stupid in all quadrants of their life. It's likely that many people experience these body changes and will not seek medical attention and/or if they were too, the likelihood of them being candid about their drinking is nil. Beer is more likely to cause enuresis than liquor. Beer causes more urine production than caffeine. One beer is 10.5 ounces more liquid than a shot of liquor.

Michael a 48 year old chronic binge drinker got up from his chair to go into the kitchen naked. He proceeded to open the garbage lid and peed in it after a long day of beer drinking. The bathroom was only 4 steps away. Radford a young 25 year old man, was in swanky resort in the Mexican Riviera when he got up from a drunken stupor and mistakenly thought the chair next to him was a toilet and proceeded to pee all over the chair, which was also supporting his clothes he had worn earlier. The embarrassment of his wife caused her to argue with the drunk until he picked up the urine soaked clothes and threw them out the 30th floor window. These are examples of the frontal lobe not able engage or weigh in on good decision making. This is also denial at its finest, who wants to admit they pee in bed.

How difficult it is for parents to hold their frustration, while their toddler learns to go potty. Many families feel like they have received a raise in income after they no longer have to purchase diapers. Not to mention changing bed linens daily. It is in the late stages of alcoholism that families feel forced to make hard decisions in placing loved ones in assisted living quarters, so they can have round-the-clock care,. The brain's inability to communicate normal body functions.

Encourage your boyfriend to go to a urologist for a full work up. Body organs don't regenerate and poisoning the brain will only lead to more mental and bodily dysfunctions as the frontal cortex of the brain is mission control.

Jeannie Cameron LMHC, CAP

Estero / Naples, Florida

Question: Hi Jim- So as a partner with an Alcoholic does it make a difference if you are there for them or not ? My partner - I can do nothing right for he is very negative in many ways but yet I understand he is messed up and I try to be the strong person , but am I really helping or should a person walk away or stay and try to help them /us get help ? Do they ever care they threaten your life or that they get mean? I write him letter but he is never sorry for how he treats me and his son?

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi Janelle, thank you for writing and for making your needs a priority.

My first caution to "affected others" (we who love an active alcoholic or addict) is to ensure that we are not enabling (protecting the alcoholic from the natural consequences of their behavior). To do so is to rob them of motivation to change and while it usually comes naturally to us to be protective, we must allow folks to suffer and to "hit bottom" (the point at which suffering becomes too great not to change).

I'm curious as to what sustains you and what your expectations of you are?

It seems for all that could be said about your partner...they are consistent - consistently ungrateful, unapologetic, and well...mean.

I would urge you not to tolerate this and to seek whatever resolution you feel is best for you and the child (unclear if the boy is your son as well?). I urge you to gather support from friends and family and from th amazing people of Al Anon and Nar Anon and any other community resources that are knowledgeable about addiction and being in your shoes. I find that counseling is also very helpful. If I can answer further questions please contact me. Please take excellent care of yourself!

Question: Hi Jim, My husband is an active alcoholic. I've been going to Al-Anon meetings for four months. Just got a sponsor. I have a question for you though. When sober, my husband is a very passive man. He comes across as a super nice guy (I know him better now to know he's not a super nice guy). On a few occasions while drunk, he has said violent, hurtful things. He's punched a wall while drunk. Thinking about my safety, how concerning is this behavior if it's done when drunk? When sober, he does not go off in these type of rants. Will the alcoholism eventually lead him to behave violently when sober? I have not been physically abused by him, but have been verbally abused during his drunken rants (Mel Gibson type of alcohol rants). Thank you!

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there and thank you so much for your excellent question. I urge you to consider that as your husband's disease progresses, his behavior will likely become more erratic and difficult to predict. Given what you've described it seems plausible that he would assault but this is at best a guess based on precious little information. I would sooner urge you to consider that at best it's a calculated risk and secondly, you are already tolerating abuse in the form of verbal assaults and violent destruction of property.

I encourage you to do what most ensures your safety and to not tolerate his behavior. If he is intoxicated and behaving this way, I would encourage you to call your local police and have him arrested. There is nothing in alcohol that makes a man abusive - there is simply the reality that his inhibitions are down and his anger is coming out - seemingly at a person who deserves none of it. Please contact me if I can answer further questions. Very best, Jim

Question: Hi, I need help with my 33 year old son. He is an alcoholic. He was attending AA he has relapsed been drunk continusly for 7 days. both his sister and I told him that he had the choice to stop drinking, call rehabs or he must leave. We can't get him to do anything. He just ignores us, and drinks more till he passes out. He won't leave. He knows that we are not physically able to pick him up and boot him out, so he locks his door to his room and drinks until he passes out. I don't know where he is getting the money? . He is deliberately disrespecting our ultimatum. I have no other family members or help to "get him to do something" I am disabled, not financially able to provide insurance for him. He does have medi-cal, I need support and physical assistance with him. He won't go to AA, call rehabs, or leave. Help me please. We have 7 days down of his drinking- doing nothing. Not working, Nothing but getting messed up. Help please.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

My heart goes out to you and your family. I've known a lot of good people who find themselves in a place of having no good options. My best guidance to you is to meet with a member of your local police department and ask for their guidance. My guess is that it will take legal action to have him removed from your home (which at this stage, I fear is the only option). If you find the police to be unsupportive, please contact your district attorney and ask what steps to take.

Sadly, I see no reason to believe that this situation will improve as long as he remains in your home. In all my work with addiction I have only found two motivators for change - Suffering and Spiritual Awakenings.

My heart goes out to you as I know this must be very painful, but please know that providing him shelter, food, or in any way preventing him from suffering is the worst thing you can do. Blessed be and please email me if I can be of further help. counseling@roadrunner.com Best, JIm

Question: Hi Jim, Ive was seeing a guy for a few months who I believe is an alcoholic.. I noticed that the days he wasn't drinking he was short tempered and mean, then it started to get more abusive never physical but definitely mental abuse. For months I blamed myself thinking how did he just change. Ive spent months trying to help him to see that he needs help but this has only back fired and made him more angry at me. Recently I told him he was an alcoholic and surrounded himself with alcoholics to make himself feel better about that bad choices hes making, After I told him this he blocked me so I couldn't contact him anymore, for me it was a blessing he has been so abusive for months that I was glad he has shut me out, do you think there is any hope for a 37 year old who doesn't see they have a problem he drinks around the clock on the weekends and hes been taking to hospital due to his drinking.. His friends are like him... Why did he get so angry when I said your an alcoholic if he doesn't think he has a problem.. Is there anything I can do

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there and thanks for your excellent question. Short answer - no, there's nothing you can do other than pray or send positive vibes or whatever works for you spiritually. It's a tough form of powerlessness when we care about someone and see that they're destroying themselves. Is there reason to have hope? Always and absolutely. People change when they're ready to and for most of us that requires that we become sufficiently sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've had the joy of working with a lot of folks who weren't ready only to meet up with them years later when they were. There is a time and a place for everything. Just do you and accept that it isn't time for him to get "it." ("It" = himself and his disease).

Be especially good to you :)

Blessed be,

Jim

Question: I think my best friend of 20 years is an alcoholic. Over the last five years our friendship has deteriorated...and this past summer i walked away from the friendship. I can't live with her judgmental eye and harsh words anymore. My question is, how do you know? For sure? I left the friendship trying to figure out why she acted and said the things she said but being away, I feel I have an answer. Do I confront her, now that we aren't talking or wait for her to hit her own rock bottom. In the end, I miss my friend, but as an alcoholic, I think I lost her a long time ago... Thanks for any advice you have.

Florence Cameron Says...:

The deterioration of an individual's personality and character are destroyed after chronic use of substances, alcohol included. The neurological changes in the brain that occur from substances, slowly eats away at the mind, body and soul. It's sad to see families and friends disconnect from their loved ones because of the deleterious effects of alcohol/drug dependence.

Because the damage to the brain is unseen, we look at the addict/alcoholic and find it difficult to believe they are not the same as they once were. Parents remember their troubled adult children and remember how innocent and loving they were and hope that the individual will "wake up" and take responsibility for their behaviors. Unfortunately, it's a long, long road to recovery and takes nothing less then everything the individual has to recover from addiction. For recovery to be possible the individual has to make the decision for themselves. No one can make it for them.

The lying, manipulating, conning and despicable behavior are the result of the illness. These behaviors, sometimes called "character defects" are the hallmark of persons with addiction. One of the main features of the disease is denial. Until the individual reaches a point where they want nothing more in their life than to become sober, nothing and no one will be able to help them. The recovery process is more than just abstaining from the drug of choice. Because Addiction is a life-long disease with no cure, it is the responsibility of the individual to treat their own disease. Confronting addicts has proven to be ineffective, as denial keeps the individual on the defense and their decision making and rational reasoning abilities are compromised. Unfortunately, confrontation usually escalates their behavior.

You asked if you should wait for her to hit rock bottom. Not knowing this person, or how she is being enabled to continue her personal destruction is unclear. The people in her immediate life have to understand the addiction process and give the illness back to the person that has chosen it.

I hope you can remember your friend as she once was, not how she is today. People come in and out of our lives and stay for weeks, months, seasons and sometimes years. These people are presented to us to help us learn more about ourselves. I encourage you to have stronger boundaries and self-protect. You can continue to love your friend, but if you can't accept who she is and how she reacts to you, then it may be best for you to find other friends you have more in common with. We all want to be accepted as we are, flaws and all. However, in the purview of drugs/alcohol, we must learn to protect ourselves from the people we love. Keeping in mind that this illness causes the individual to have no regard for how they affect others.

In closing, I'd like to tell you that we can't control what others do, think, say, act. We can only control our response to them. There is an old saying that came from an early (unknown) philosopher, "It's not the boat on the water, It's the water in the boat that sinks it."

Hope you can find resolution in your dilemma.

Regards,

Jeannie Cameron, LMHC, CAP

Naples, FL

239-732-5959