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Out of Control Spouse

answered 08:38 PM EST, Mon September 30, 2013
wws wws Edinburgh
Hi Anna,

I'm separated from my AH he has spiraled out of control he was trying to get home then I found out he had been sleeping about and texting loads of o/w that was why I asked him to leave in dec 12 i found a woman's number on his phone that he's been using for 18 months but still denies a affair. H e sais he doesn't love me and won't be coming back but he was trying to get back in July and then I found out about this sleazy life also he has been taking cocaine. He also has nothing to do with our son who is 14. He knows my son knows about the other women and my son was disgusted and ignored a couple of texes from him. We never hear from him he doesn't contact us, its me who contacts him and I am very angry most of the time we were together for 25 years. Should | stop the contact and let him just get on with his life? Is he in full blown alcoholism now? He has been drinking for 9 month solid possibly 5-6 days a week he is loosing everything but won't admit a problem or seek help. He is also very sleazy sexually something that he wasn't before what has caused this? I have lost the love of my life to alcohol? Can you please advise should I cut all contact and let him live his life? very hard to watch someone kill themselves that you love. Thanks. Tracy

Anna Deeds Says...

Anna Deeds A. Deeds

Thank you for your question, Tracy. I try to stay away from giving advice so I won't tell you whether you should contact your husband or not. What I can tell you is that he seems to have all the signs of alcoholism and addiction from what you have told me. You said he is drinking 5 to 6 days a week, using cocaine, avoiding his son and losing everything. He is also involved in other self-destructive behavior like sleeping around. He probably doesn't want to talk to you or his son because he is ashamed of his behavior but can't stop. An alcoholic/addict has to want to get better. They have to admit they have a problem which you stated he refuses to do. The most you can do is let him know of treatment facilities in your area. You can't make him change his behavior. He has to want to change. He has to get to the point where he realizes his life would be better if he got help. When he is realizes that he has a problem and his life would be better sober, he will ask for help. Until then, there isn't much you can do for him.

As far as your son, he is old enough to understand what is going on. You can talk to him about his feelings about his father's behavior. He seems to have already decided he doesn't want contact from his father. I think your son sent a clear message of that by ignoring his father's texts. And if his father doesn't want to contact your son, there isn't anything you can do about it.

I know it is difficult to see your husband ruining his life. I suggest that you try going to Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon meetings will help you and your son have the support and guidance you need. Your son can even go to these meetings and they have meetings for teens called Alateen. I hope this helps answer your question.

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Page last updated Sep 30, 2013

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