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Secret Sex with Porn While Wife Sleeps

answered 11:51 PM EST, Sun January 08, 2012
Am I a sex addict if I only have a problem with porn after drinking or smoking pot? When I do not get drunk or high I don’t very often look at porn, only once in a while. But if I get drunk I will always come home after a night out and jerk off to porn on my laptop. I always wake up feeling very ashamed about what I did the night before. I do this 2 or 3 times a week.

I am embarrassed by what I look at. I will look at pictures when drunk and get turned on by stuff that does not interest me when not drunk. I am embarrassed to say what but it is stuff that if my wife ever caught me she would have a very big problem with it. Also, she could easily walk in on me because when I get drunk I get careless and look at porn in the room next to where she is sleeping and she could walk out and catch me at any time. I want to stop looking at porn but I always go back to it once drunk. If I can’t control my impulses to look at porn am I addicted?

Delisted Expert Says...

To give justice to you question, I must inform you what stands out immediately with your question. With your short question, you indicated a high level of denial when you, directly or indirectly indicated, (1) that you have been engaged in masturbation using pornography in secret; (2) go out 2 or 3 times per week to drink with or without your wife; (3) how you become intoxicated, then seek out some unacceptable pornography; (4) having a secret sex life while your wife is sleeping in the next room; and (5) little or no desire to stop this behavior despite the potential negative consequences to your marriage or yourself.

I do not know if you are a substance user, substance abuser, alcoholic, addict (or both). However, I do see that you were able to recognize alcohol (not marijuana) as the trigger to your “acting out” with pornography while intoxicated. Alcohol is the great disinhibitor and does free us to gravitate toward anything we are not consciously, or unconsciously, attracted to. Without knowing the exact type of pornography you like, I cannot comment accurately to how this may affect you or your relationships. Porn, by its very nature, coupled with anonymous use of the Internet, has caused many people to “lose control” of their behavior. One of the common features of addiction is “acting out” when you don’t want or plan to. This is called “loss of control.” It is loss of control which becomes very costly to people as they progress in their addictive behavior. It doesn’t get better…

I would recommend that you do some reading on your own about porn and Internet addiction. A very informative site is: www.sexhelp.com

One of the best books out there is: “In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior”.

Yes, You do show signs of porn addiction, so I would refer you to the Sexual Addiction Screening Test, a self quiz which is anonymous and free, at: http://www.sexhelp.com/am-i-a-sex-addict/sex-addiction-test so you can get the results and know for yourself.

Before you make up your mind about whether or not you are addicted to porn or not, I would encourage you to begin to see this as a problem that you have not exercised much control over. A positive move for you would be to obtain a professional assessment for alcohol, marijuana, and porn addiction. These behavior(s) could become very costly to you physically, psychologically, spiritually, financially, and martially; if action is not taken. Your fear of getting exposed or caught by your wife may serve you as a positive motivator to do something about this.

My hope is that this information is useful to you and that you will use this information for your greater good.

John W. O'Neal, Ed.S, LPC, MSW, MA, NCC

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Page last updated Sep 24, 2012

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