Question: I have an unexpected problem with quitting weed. I smoked every day for 2 years and I have decided that it just is not that much fun any more. It has been quite hard to beat the mental aspects of the habit but I have been 5 days now since my last joint. Unexpectedly I have had sexual problems since I quit. I have not been able to get a full erection for sex since I stopped weed and this never ever happened before. From what I have always heard quitting weed increases your sex drive. I am concerned but I am sure it is just a temporary quitting effect. It is very embarrassing. It is OK that it happened once but now when me and my girlfriend start fooling around I can feel that I am soft I have to make some excuse to stop. Is this normal and when will it go away?

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there and thanks for your question. Good news- you're going to be fine. It sounds like marijuana has been covering anxiety for you - this is my guess without meeting you - but it explains your symptoms. Mild discomfort mentally and physically are really the only things you should be experiencing fro quitting pot. Go see your primary care doctor immediately and get screened for an anxiety disorder. I expect you'll feel better in a week or less but if you've been smoking heavily and daily - there's a reason why it became so prominent in your life. You're making good choices and growing up - keep going!

Question: Is a weekend sex addiction couples retreat long enough of a time to treat an internet pornography addiction or at least get a good start on nipping this thing in the bud? The program is Christ based and it focuses on helping couples restore non sexual based intimacy as a first necessary step in a long term process of healing. The other alternative is a 45 day residential program.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi and thank you for your excellent question. There are a lot of variables here and very limited info for me to go on but my thoughts are:

1. a weekend is minimal and 45 days is a commitment

2 a weekend with your partner means no individual treatment and while rebuilding intimacy sounds great, it seems premature

3. better to get a handle on your self and consider what drives your addiction, what's missing, and how to rise above it and go through it all

4 What does pornography provide the life does not? How will those needs be met in healthy ways after treatment? these are things I urge you to address clinically

5. Good luck and blessed be!

Question: How do you know if you have a porn addiction? I only look at porn before bed so it is not like I am doing it all of the time but I can’t sleep unless I do it. If I try I just toss and turn and it calls to me until I give in and go to the computer. When I am surfing I can lose track of time and sometimes I will spend 2 or 3 hours in a session. This makes it quite hard to get up in the morning and after I am done when it is really late I always feel really guilty and ashamed at my loss of control over myself. I do not have a girlfriend if that is not obvious already. I have not missed a night of this in more than two years. I am 17 now. I have not discussed this with anyone because it is pretty embarrassing.

Zelik Mintz Says...:

It sounds like you have some of the symptoms of porn addiction.  I usually ask people three questions in order to establish if behavior borders on addiction.  The first is:  Can you stop if you want to or control the behavior?  It sounds like that is an issue for you with two or three hours passing looking at porn each night and loosing track of time.  A second question is:  Does it affect your functioning?  Again, it seems to affect you being able to get up in the morning. The third is: Does it affect your relationships.  Although you didn't state that this is a problem, pornography tends to cause unrealistic expectations with romantic relationships - getting used to sexual fantasies that women you meet cannot compete with.  And the guilt and shame you feel about your use is another hallmark of addiction.  You are quite young so I hesitate to label your porn use as an addiction.  However, it is healthy that you are concerned.  I would suggest finding support and addressing your porn use.   I understand that might be difficult considering your age. Hopefully there is some kind of free anonymous program in your area that you can avail yourself of.  The best of luck.

Question: Childhood neglect and sexual abuse led me to very early promiscuity at 12 years old and marijuana and then crack cocaine addiction and alcoholism. In and out of rehab and I was out on the streets by 15 and raped twice before I was 18. Sex has been like a weapon against me for my while life so its messed up that I am a sex addict now. The thing is the only times I don’t feel pain are when I am planning and fanaticizing and during sex but then I feel worse afterward than ever. Sex is like my emotional medicine but if I don’t use sex then I start to crave alcohol very strongly and drinking takes me to a very bad place that I know I won’t survive again. So what I want to know. Honestly. Is will I ever not need something to feel OK?

Zelik Mintz Says...:

I am so sorry you have had such a traumatic childhood and life.  Whether the addiction is alcohol, crack, cocaine, marijuana or sex, you are using to self medicate your pain.  And the relief from pain is very short lived - as you've stated in describing your sex addiction.  I know you've been in and out of rehab and the rehab experiences appear to have been ineffective.  Your desire to be okay without self medicating can be realized but it will take very hard work and vigilance with a program of recovery that suits you.  Having been in rehab repeatedly without success, I imagine you are pessimistic about recovery working for you.  There are many different kinds of programs with different philosophies.  I hope you can find what works for you and create a strong support system. Yes, you can work through your addiction issues and feel okay.  This won't happen by replacing one addiction with another.  It will happen by addressing and working though with a therapist the traumas you've experienced and at the same time finding a program that sustains your recovery.

Question: I love my wife but have this compelling drive to degrade and humiliate her. I have allowed many men to watch me have sex with her from outside our bedroom window or from inside our bedroom closet. I enjoy meeting with them the next day and discussing just how much they enjoyed the show. It is a huge thrill to hear them tell me details of what they like about her body and how she acts during sex. Further, I take her to our local porn theater and make her expose herself to a lot of the guys in their while they are masturbating while watching the move as well as her breasts. I also enjoy taking her out onto the freeway and making her expose herself to truck drivers. She begs me to not make her do these things but the drive is so strong in me that I can't stop it.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi, thanks for your question. I understand that your compulsion is overwhelming. My question is - how would you deal with your compulsion if you lose her? It seems like an inevitability. You're showing off your wife the way a child shows off n especially cool toy. Encouraging other men to view her goes beyond voyeurism - what you're enjoying is the feeling that they can't have her and you can. You've objectified her and treated her like an object to be used as you will.

It's not my intention to judge you or to guilt you. Rather, I'm pointing out that your behavior is clearly taking a toll on your wife and eventually will cost both of you a great deal. I urge you to seek treatment from a clinician who is competent in addressing sexual obsessions and compulsions.

The woman you find so beautiful - you treat as a possession and it's only a matter of time until you lose her. You are putting her in situations in which knowingly and unknowingly she is being violated. Your conscience is telling you that this is wrong. Get the help you need to overcome this addiction and to keep connection to the person you love.

Question: I like to have one night stands and I have done this more than 400 times. Now I have a son who is 5 and I am realizing that I am never there for him emotionally because I am always thinking about sex and spending a lot of time finding new women to have sex with (it has to me new women every time to be exciting). When I go out at night but I can’t find a suitable partner I get very moody and hard to be around and then that makes me a bad father too. I can’t pay attention to my son when I am thinking about sex and I am too hard to be around when I don’t get it. I never realized that sex was a problem until my son started to not pay attention to me and when I asked him mom why she told me it was because I never gave him any attention. That hurt me for real. I am not sure how to stop because my habits are so set in place and I feel like I need sex or I will explode. How to I stop obsessing about this? I am 27 now so I think I should have had enough by now.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

I'm really glad you wrote to me. Your question has a lot of layers to it and while it's clear that you need help with obsessive thoughts and compulsive behavior - it's even more clear that you're ashamed and can't tolerate failing your son. The world needs more good dads. You've identified the obstacles to being the dad you want to be - but this is more than behavior and desire - this is a disconnect with yourself. You don't feel good about who you are - only about what you do. I'm guessing sex is a poor substitute for love in your life.

You're looking to fill an emptiness with something you can never get enough of.

I wonder what you know about loving others and if you're able to really understand what it feels like for your son?

See here's the thing - I think you know a lot about what it feels like for your son. I'd bet a month's pay that while you're able to bed a woman, you can't sustain anything deeper than bar room conversation.

I don't say these things to put you down - I say them to illustrate that the issue runs much deeper than your thoughts and actions. It's about being able to have empathy and meaningfully connecting to others. There is no greater honor nor more important job in this world than being a dad (everyone has a father only the lucky ones have a dad).

You fear intimacy and relating to our children requires vulnerability that scares you. Step up. Find a therapist who will not focus on simply your behavior but who will challenge you to find the connections between your past experiences and your present priorities, perspective, and behavior.

How much are you like your father?

Get this right - no amount of sex or success in any other part of your life will take away this pain. It's not too late. Your boy is 5. He will forgive you but his needs have to come before your own. Therapy can help you discover what your needs are. Write to me again and let me know what you find.

I'm biased (and unapologetic for it). The two greatest things I have ever done are to raise my son and my daughter. I will never do anything half as important in my lifetime. I make myself available to you as a resource because I'd rather serve a guy like you now than your son 10-15 years down the road.

I wish you well but I also implore you to get this right, right away. You can do this!

Question: i mean i have looked at treatment centers for what i feel is a sex addiction and they are all telling me that they are out of texas and really expensive. i am in texas and broke as a church mouse so what can i do? i am basically homeless you could say because i am couch hoping around from friend to friend trying to find a place to stay for more than a week at a time. i am trying to deal with a lot of things right now. but i just feel that i need to be in treatment for my sex addiction. i am 46 yrs old, and i just want to start my life over and change and to finally have a successful relationship. i kinda was not into church because i was very bdsm. which is part of the addiction. i am submissive and been told that i could be a great submissive but that i would need a Masters care and training again part of the addiction. i am very into bdsm, sex games and toys, not really into porn videos but do enjoy them but not on regular basis. i do have many one night stands just because i hate being alone and lonely. i just want to be the best person i can be and to rid myself of this pain and torment. Ann

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi Ann,

What you're describing feels like shame and emptiness. Being alone is something you fear and being with anyone is better than an empty bed. I don't presume to know what drives you but what you're describing doesn't feel so much like an addiction to me. It feels more like your self worth is based in being who someone else wants you to be sexually.

There is nothing inherently wrong or bad about BDSM. There's nothing wrong with being promiscuous if it brings a person satisfaction without pain. Your one night stands feel like a misguided attempt to be valued - even if it's only a matter of hours.

You are free to start your life over today.

Religion is only one way to change one's life. I vastly prefer spirituality because there are no rules to it. It's just me and what I happen to believe. I choose to believe that there is something, that it cares about me, and so I talk to it. In the worst case scenario I reason that I'm just talking to myself which is still a healthy thing to do :)

Start over. Give yourself the time and patience you'd give to someone you care about.

Outpatient therapy on a sliding scale or from a free health clinic may be able to meet your needs.

Seek local meetings of Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous.

Be kind to the woman in the mirror.

Start over. You can do this.

Question: so tell me there is help available for a poor girl who needs to get herself together

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi - thanks for your question...vague though it may be. You posted your query in the sex addiction category and ask if there is help for a poor girl? This can pertain to so many things and normally I'd be asking - "Um, hey, could you narrow it down a bit for me?" But then I saw your follow up question in which you asked that I please not refer you to prayer or chanting.

So my guess is that you're emotionally drained and not open to spirituality as a form of coping. Is there hope for you? Absolutely! As long as you are vertical and breathing there is hope As long as you have an open mind and a broken heart there is hope As long as you are willing to earnestly look at yourself and have willingness to change, there is hope.

And if you care to narrow it down a bit for me, I'll be happy to give more specific suggestions

Best,

Jim

Question: My boyfriend is an obsessive porno watcher. I do not ever go on his computer without warning so he time to clean up any videos and websites he has up and running…I learned this the hard way. It is a problem for me and I find it very disgusting. I talked about leaving him because I had had enough it and I feel like how can he respect me and watch that all night and this is when he confessed that he was abused as a child and this is why he has a problem and he asked me to understand and help him change. Is getting sexually molested as a child of 7 to 9 going to have an influence on a man becoming addicted to porno websites when he is an adult? He says he wants to move in together so he won’t be as tempted to watch this stuff as he is when he is alone. I love him and I want to help him.

Dr. Jennifer Martin Says...:

I understand your feelings of disgust and also your love for your boyfriend.  His addiction to porn is not necessarily as a result of being abused as a child. Many people have had that experience as a child and do not end up watching porn.  He is right he does need help but it is unfair and not realistic to think that you can be his sole source of help.  If your boyfriend really wants to stop watching porn but cannot despite repeated attempts then he is definitely addicted.  Addictions are serious and without treatment they unfortunately do in most cases get worse and more difficult to control. I recommend telling him that the condition of you moving in is that he gets professional help - from a counselor trained to treat sexual addiction.  My first recommendation would actually to tell him that you would only move in after he has been in treatment for 90 days and had experienced a 90 day abstinent  period.  If you move in and he keeps doing what he is doing, it will very likely get more consuming not less. This is not about him getting more sex from you and not needing to look at porn. It is actually not about sex. You cannot solve this for him.  You don't have to give up on the relationship but he does need help.  You will find out how motivated he is to change if you give him an ultimatum about him getting help. If you want to set up a time to talk I offer a no cost consultation. You can reach me at jennifer at relate2 dot net.

Question: This is a stupid question but I think I am addicted to going to strip clubs. I want to slow down because I am always broke. I am not an alcoholic because I only have 2 or 3 or 4 beer when I go but I feel like I have to go or I get super edgy. I work alone and live alone so I think I am addicted to the sexual human connection. I used to smoke and it feels almost like craving a cigarette. It costs me a lot of money even though the girls will give me alot of free dances. I see the same faces in there everyday so I don’t think it is just me. As you can probably guess I am not very good with girls outside of the club so this makes it harder to give it up.

Dr. Jennifer Martin Says...:

It sounds like it has become an addiction.  The question is do you want to break free of the addiction? If so, it will require you learning skills to connect emotionally with people outside of this environment. Let's face it engaging in this behavior is easier than forming real relationships - which take work and some skill in emotionally intimacy. If you want relationships that offer you more I recommend putting your resources - time and money into learning these skills. I suggest that you write down the pros and cons of staying the same or changing your behavior. If it seems like there is a good enough reason to change then you will be motivated to get the help you need to break free. You can do this.