Clear boundaries lead to better family relations

Question

Hi Thanks for your message. the family dynamics is what is happening you are right. My romantic relationship that was supportive on the side has been complex now too as it really was initiated (this was an ex boyfriend from years ago who as a friend I have been in touch with on and off as my real estate agent) I ran to him when these things with family made me run away. over the years I have realized how supportive he has been and my feelings and decisions though real in terms of wanting a long term thing with him, have been clouded by my neediness and vulnerability due to my family drama. This has caused me to get too close to fast and now back track, didn't completely sleep with him but pulled back, now he is distant and he has been my support system. I have asked him about it now as he knows I was vulnerable and though it was his idea to take it slow now so he would also know my feelings for him are real, I need him during this time and his support is invaluable to me. As for counseling I have gone to counseling because of need to figure out healthy relationships (as didn't see it in my family) on and off for years. CBT has helped me but my family I cannot change. They would never come to counseling with me and I feel like they may go on their own and that's fine but you are right that communication is a big issue and not listening to each other. But my brother will listen to my mom, but not to me, my sister out of helplessness and really evil I would say paints my mom and

Penny Bell · Accepted Answer

It sounds as if you have been able to establish some firm boundaries around yourself where your family is concerned, and in particular with your mum, with whom you are feeling courageous enough to risk working on a relationship. It's much easier to walk away than it is to work on a relationship that is peppered with hazards, so good on you for persevering. She's your mum, after all, and troubled as she may be, you two have a bond that is special and as you have said, worth hanging on to. If you stick to owning yourself in your family relationships, commit to owning yourself rather than trying to change others or allow others to own you, you will be able to keep those clear boundaries and limits and that should keep your anxiety levels down. There is always that pull from family members to fuse with them, to take sides with them against another or to take the blame for something, and owning yourself by making sure you resist that pull will help you differentiate from the family fusion and become interdependent rather than codependent. I feel as if I'm telling you something you already know though - so well done, keep on doing what you're doing, and I wish you all the best with your relationship with your mum.

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