Question: Hi Thanks for your message. the family dynamics is what is happening you are right. My romantic relationship that was supportive on the side has been complex now too as it really was initiated (this was an ex boyfriend from years ago who as a friend I have been in touch with on and off as my real estate agent) I ran to him when these things with family made me run away. over the years I have realized how supportive he has been and my feelings and decisions though real in terms of wanting a long term thing with him, have been clouded by my neediness and vulnerability due to my family drama. This has caused me to get too close to fast and now back track, didn't completely sleep with him but pulled back, now he is distant and he has been my support system. I have asked him about it now as he knows I was vulnerable and though it was his idea to take it slow now so he would also know my feelings for him are real, I need him during this time and his support is invaluable to me. As for counseling I have gone to counseling because of need to figure out healthy relationships (as didn't see it in my family) on and off for years. CBT has helped me but my family I cannot change. They would never come to counseling with me and I feel like they may go on their own and that's fine but you are right that communication is a big issue and not listening to each other. But my brother will listen to my mom, but not to me, my sister out of helplessness and really evil I would say paints my mom and I as the crazy ones since she has big issues with my mom and because I don't allow her to use me or manipulate me. it's so unhealthy I need my sister to be cut off and the only people I could work on are my mom to the extent possible (and I have told her any drama she brings into my life I will not participate in not over text not in person not in any way) which has for now at least made her tone it down a bit. She is more vocal and rude to me when her family is around her and she takes their side over me. The danger with her is she has no borders, no respect for privacy that has caused many issues; I cannot trust her with any info If I am upset with a family member and I tell her, she goes and attacks them, the same happened when she told my brother and he attacked me, so this not dealing with the person directly is a big issue. I will only deal with the person directly in future if I choose to have a relationship at any distance, but I can't change them, they will continue as they have.....it's unhealthy. I needed to get out. even though my brother and mother have reached out to me, I am uncomfortable with both of them still, but time is helping me get a bit easier with my mom, but just texting I still don't want to talk to her. when she calls I don't pick up avoiding her. But I know I need to see her and even if small time frames at a time communicate with her. the trust is so low I haven't let her know where I live just that I am in a nice new place nearby. I don't trust her to keep it to herself and tell my brother who might show up here. I don't trust him now as way he attacked me verbally condescending over text because of my mom. So he and I am not sure how I can deal with all these all at once, so I am letting myself have distance and jsut taking mini steps with my mom now. and will allow her to only treat me with respect and no drama and act healthy or it will affect our relationship she needs to understand. with my brother not sure what can happen....he has embarassed me in front of our family and and bullied me I feel and even though we had zero issues before these dramas he and I get pulled into, and my sister painting me as someone I am not, he gets affected by that and that bothers me a lot....... it's too much all of it to handle at once, so I can only handle what I can and step back. I want to move on with my life too as I am looking for work, during this whole ordeal I was also fired, I know I was distracted at work but also in a new industry I didn't think was the right fit for me so it's ok but I need to focus to find new work and handle this romantic relationship too.....

Penny Bell Says...:

It sounds as if you have been able to establish some firm boundaries around yourself where your family is concerned, and in particular with your mum, with whom you are feeling courageous enough to risk working on a relationship. It's much easier to walk away than it is to work on a relationship that is peppered with hazards, so good on you for persevering. She's your mum, after all, and troubled as she may be, you two have a bond that is special and as you have said, worth hanging on to. If you stick to owning yourself in your family relationships, commit to owning yourself rather than trying to change others or allow others to own you, you will be able to keep those clear boundaries and limits and that should keep your anxiety levels down. There is always that pull from family members to fuse with them, to take sides with them against another or to take the blame for something, and owning yourself by making sure you resist that pull will help you differentiate from the family fusion and become interdependent rather than codependent. I feel as if I'm telling you something you already know though - so well done, keep on doing what you're doing, and I wish you all the best with your relationship with your mum.

Question: Hi Penny I have been going through a few months of unbelievably difficult family drama involving extended family affecting my mother whom i love dearly and me the most but overall bad fallout on everyone. The issues are related to immediate family first extended family has made worse. The biggest 2 issues I need to deal with are my sister's manipulation for years out of jealousy, hate, resentment I can't understand where she has on purpose planting in my brother's and now possibly extended family trying to ruin my reputation and make me seem not credible to make me feel small by spreading rumours about me being delusional....this is very painful and strictly meant to manipulate. It has affected my relationship with my brother and because of it even after reaching out to her for a healthy respectful relationship she could not handle it for more than a couple of weeks. there is too much hate in her for me and I have decided the best thing is to cut her out of my life for good due to her going to far and continuing to try to hurt/attack my soul. This means I won't see my little niece/nephew either. The drama has caused my mom betray me by listening to manipulation by my uncle and his wife, but even though they have tried to distance her from me and made her weak then brainwashed her against me, she knows me better and how loyal I have been to her, so she keeps reaching out to me but I have moved out of her house and extremely hurt she turned on me because of extended family. she also starts drama and then my brother has attacked me for it, being intimidating, condescending and verbally abusive. I have told him to stop or there won't be any relationship; I have no issues with my brother except for what others cause between us (i.e. my sister , my mom, my cousin) My cousin and uncle/wife and in combination with my brother /sister caused pain for my mom but it comes down to my sister, brother havign no respect and bullying my mom. my sister wants play that with me and she is not being allowed; I stop her...so she has no choice but to make me seem not credible to make me sound crazy, when she has had psychopathic tendencies writing death letters to my mom as a teenager, telling my mom to go die for years and sending me numerous belittling verbally abusive manipulative notes over the years. My brother has never been verbally abusive to me until the recent drama has made him go a bit coocoo it is all based on lack of respect I have told my brother as long as he is harmful in his communication and making feel not safe around him there will not be any relationship this is very difficult for me as I love him very much and we recently traveled together with zero issues, in fact it was so good, he was telling all about how his friends/colleagues who traveled with us loved me and he was proud of me. So it is clearly created by others all this drama he has been reaching out to me and it has been difficult for me to talk to him as he doesnt' know how our sister and extended family have used him too to cuase issues and affect my mom's health and cause issues between our whole family, and ironically when I have tried to protect my mom, he is using me as a scapegoat for someone to blame, attack, which I don't appreciate at all. it's affected my life , work, and romantic relationship I am in. Please help my mom and brother at least mean a lot to me but I want this extended family and my sister to have no contact as they use any chance to cause issues between these 2 people I care about and me. I have a hard time even going to have a lunch with my mom or brother when they reach out to me I can't handle my brother lecturing me when I haven't done anything; it hurts too much. I feel like telling him to not talk about this stupid drama that has nothing to do with us, he says he wants to talk about good brother/sister stuff only, but i feel that's just to pull me back to bully me again to accept guilt for stuff others done and my blood pressure has been up and I won't put myself through that if that's where a conversation goes. there has been injury done and he doesnt' get it.... I need to look for work right now and take care of my well being my dog and my relationship with someone special to me. :( how can I manage all this, it's like an avalance of problems only thing that has helped me cope somewhat has been this romantic partner, a couple good friends' support and meditation. Please help.

Penny Bell Says...:

Thank you for your question – you have given me a very good picture of what’s going on with you and your family and how you are feeling in it. I can see that you have come to the end of your tether and that you want something different for your life, and I fully understand that.

By way of responding to your question, I’ll write a little bit about family systems and how I see yours, according to the information you’ve given me, and what I think would be helpful for you.

When family counsellors work with families that are experiencing distress, they try to look past the individual family members and view the family as a system that has its own life and energy and that has distinct patterns of operation that are often outside the awareness of the individual family members. These systems have particular attributes of cohesion, or distance and closeness, as well as flexibility, or rigidity and chaos. The level of cohesion in a family is reflected in the emotional bonding family members have with one another, and the level of flexibility is reflected in the family’s ability to permit changes in roles and rules within the family structure. Too much cohesion causes the family to be enmeshed and overly entwined in each other’s lives; too little cohesion causes members to be distant and isolated. Too much flexibility leads to chaos, and too little to rigidity - sticking to the existing spoken or unspoken rules, and stagnation. A family that is functioning well will have a good balance between stability and change (healthy flexibility) and will be together but allow separateness (healthy cohesion). A third element necessary for healthy family functioning is communication – the family’s ability to listen to each other – and this either facilitates or impedes flexibility and cohesion.

It sounds as if your family’s system has difficulty communicating and listening carefully to one another, and family members are quite enmeshed with each other. The reason I say this is that you are feeling misunderstood, attacked, manipulated and wrongly accused by many of your family members, that the messages are being passed between family members about you (rather than directly to you), and that your family system is looking inward, so that the conversations and stories are commonly about other family members and their effects on the stability of the overall system (the effect of the behaviour of family members on other family members); there is a lot of blame, and nothing much changes over time. This is raising the levels of anxiety throughout your family system, and of course in you.

Something that happens within families to reduce the anxiety levels is triangling, and it sounds like this is what’s happening in your family. A triangle is a 3-way relationship where the anxiety has risen between two of the family members to such an uncomfortable level that one brings in a third member to offload about it, thus distancing themselves from the member they have difficulty with and coming closer to the one they have drawn in. This in turn can create its own intensity and once again a third person can be drawn in to talk about it, and this can go on forever, especially in a family that is enmeshed.

The way you are thinking is a family process that Family Systems Theory has identified as one way family members reduce their anxiety – distancing or at the extreme, emotionally cutting off the family members that cause them the most anxiety. This can feel wonderful at first, because the person feels relieved of the stress, and free. Down the track though it can cause other problems for the person in that they look for the closeness they’ve lost with their family in either their work or people outside the family, sometimes with disastrous results – for example, workaholism, or overwhelming friends or partner with the unmet needs from the family system.

Having said that, I think that sometimes it can be very beneficial to pull back from the family temporarily – to obtain relief and some peace for oneself, to find your personal power again, and to find yourself again and who you are apart from your family. Sometimes in an enmeshed family this differentiation from the rest of the family isn’t completed during the teen years because of the pull of the family to continue to “be like us”, so it happens later on when that demand becomes threatening to the person’s sense of self.

Something that you could do that would make good use of your time apart from your difficult family members would be to obtain counselling with a qualified family therapist. At some time during therapy you may have the opportunity, and feel ready, for one or more family members to come into the session with you so that you are all able to feel heard by each other in a safe environment. You may find after you have been in counselling for a while working through your family and personal issues that you are feeling stronger and are able now to reconnect with some of the folk that are distressing you at the moment – slowly, carefully and safely, of course. That way, if the family member is in your experience still too toxic for you, you can withdraw again easily.

It’s great that you have a romantic partner that you can feel close and safe with, good friends and of course your faithful dog – these are all factors in maintaining good mental health in the face of a family crisis.

I wish you all the best with your pursuit for peace and strong healthy family relationships.

Penny

Question: Hello, I have a question regarding a 2.5 month relationship with a man I am in. I waited for 2 months before finally being so attracted to him to have sex. I wanted to get to know him first. I saw things I liked and didn't like and ultimately although ideally I'd like to wait even longer to get to know him, I knew his main strengths and weaknesses. I am 40 and he 43 and so I was thinking marriage with people I date, but given his credit/debt issues, and needing to see if he is aggressive side is just moodiness men can have or more, I decided I really was attracted to him physically & mentally but wanted to wait for marriage; after 2 months he gave me a promise ring, but I still didn't sleep wt him right away so he knows he can't dangle that in front of my face to get me into bed; but at one point he did get very angry with me because in his mind he had shown his commitment so what was the problem; given that we were both attracted he had a point but I didn't want to be pressured so I waited a bit longer and went with it when I wanted to and was ready. I had him tested and he is clean but because of our ups and downs at the start of this relationship and as trust i s not strong partially because I don't and never have trusted easily coming from a divorced household, and partially because he has an adventurous style and I haven't known him for long enough, I am worried we had sex without a condom and even when I got condoms (he does pull out), what if he is not loyal then I could catch an STD after he got tested and I saw the results; he hates then condom and to be honest with you I don't like it either; I dont' want to force him but don't want to catch anything either if trust is not as high as it coulld be. I have heard from someone who knows him at a party he is very loyal and he says he is but I need to knwo him long enough to know this for sure because couple times so far when we got into fights I told him let's take a break or it may have appeared like we had broken up (what if he did anything with someone during these times) I am aware & working on my trust but he has a high sex drive and ego so I don't want to gamble with my health. what should I do to protect myself? get a female condom? funny thing is with the pull out method I am not so worried about pregnancy as I have always wanted a child and I think if it happens I have a choice to abort or keep it. My first concern are catching diseases. Or should I insist even if he cant' cum we have sex with a condom anyway and try our best; last time I insisted on condoms he bought them and brought them and after a minute took it off and said he 'd put it on at later stage, but he didn't. it bothered me, but at same time I didn't love the feel either, and worried if he really can't cum with one on, it could cause problems and end of the relationship? or am I wrong in thinking that, and is it just an excuse he can't cum wt a condom on? please help I don't want myhealth in jeopardy but I don't want to be paranoid either if I asked him to be tested and he did it and showed me the results. How do increase trust to such a high level that we can actually do it without condoms? but thing is even we do that from here on, during those fights and me saying let's take a break from relationship which lasted less than 48 hours because he was still calling me, he could have had sexual contact with others thinking we are on a break?? this is mentally and emotionally draining me I am stressed, my body is showing it I had a cold sore, and now some white sores in my mouth and stomach problems (i had a pregnancy test done after first time sex/pull out so stomach problems not pregnancy, and pulling out seems to work for me and many others to not get pregnant, I also have RX for pills if I am too concerned re this, my major concerns are STDS if someone is not faithful), so it's a question of 100% trust in this man right now.

Dyan Kolb Says...:

Hi there. Yes, after reading your concerns, it sounds like many things worry you about both your health and your ability to trust in a relationship, particularly this one. I also sense that your personal value system is compromised (feelings about premarital sex) that your partner may be somewhat impatient with your choice to wait on having sex. Also, your concerns raise some fair medical questions that will better be answered by a medical doctor, particularly an OBGYN. Have an MD check on the physical symptoms that you are reporting and follow medical advice.

I would like to say that trust does take a fair amount of time to establish with a person. Especially if trust has been an issue that one has struggled with in childhood. You mentioned that you come from a divorced family and there could be other factors along the way that has contributed to the challenge for you to trust someone. It could be helpful for you to keep the communication/discussion open with your partner about these issues, especially as you are getting to know him. I think that many women believe that it is important to be able to feel like they can trust their partners (both physically and emotionally)  before feeling fully ready to engage sexually with others in a committed relationship. Some women may believe that the sexual experience would be better over all once that trust has been established.

Many factors go into establishing and maintaining trust, and patience, understanding and respect are a few of those things. It sounds like your partner is not very respectful of your needs. It also sounds like the physical attraction is present for both of you, which is a wonderful thing, but if you feel rushed/pressured or disrespected, (him not using condoms, and/or removing them during sex despite your request to use them) than I would suggest that you reconsider your involvement in this relationship with this person.

I'm sure that there are many great qualities about your partner, just be mindful of your value system and if you feel as though your needs and concerns are being respected in this relationship.

Question: My wife and I are having intimacy issues. There are physical components. I believe that we should speak to a sex therapist but in truth we are both quite bashful to do so. I believe that if we could do this at home it would be much easier and less embarrassing. If there needs to be physical demonstrations in a session I think I could do that much easier over a webcam than in an office. But I am worried that things we transmit are not secure and I work in a sensitive position…it would be very embarrassing, politically disastrous, if any video was ever leaked. Does this ever happen? How safe is this for me?

Mark Hughes Says...:

Hi,

Thanks for contacting me and explaining the situation so clearly. Firstly I understand your concern and it seems to me that even if you were a webcam or Skype type link were 100% secure, there would be some fear that might make it ineffective for you.

I certainly can't say it is 100% secure because nothing is, so while the risk may be small, I'd like to suggest other things to consider.

The first thing that I notice is that you have not said what your wife thinks about any of this, so I wonder if you have discussed it with her yet. If not, then that needs to be done before you will be able to investigate options and proceed. Perhaps you have and she's in agreement with you though, so I'll assume that for now.

My first thought is that you are unlikely to have to do a demonstration, and no therapist should "require" or pressure you to do anything you have concerns about, or just don't feel ready for, whether your concerns are about confidentiality, or anything else.

Without speaking or working with you I can't speculate on what might be needed, or what might work for you and your wife, but would be very unusual for you to need to be physically intimate together while the therapist is present (even by webcam), and I would not recommend that as a starting point.

So I question why you think that. Perhaps you've seen or read about this and are assuming that's what it would require? That certainly is not the case, and you might even find a couple's counsellor or therapist could be equally helpful. As I say, I can't really talk about you, so I'm speaking generally here, but most therapists with significant experience will have come across intimacy and sexual relationship issues, since they are very common and so important to us.

I hope this opens up some possibilities and alleviates your fear about what you might need to risk in order to address this. I'll be happy to respond to any other questions you may have, and hope you'll find a way that works for both of you, and brings the intimacy you want.

Best wishes,

Mark

Question: I have heard of celebrities that sometimes get like recovery coaches who follow them around 24 hours a day while they try to stay sober. I always thought that if I had a recovery coach like that it would be a lot easy to stick with sobriety beyond the first week or two that always ruins me. Is there such a thing as an online recovery coach that would work like that on an as needed basis – so anytime I feel like I need some help I can just connect for support?

Jill Edwards Says...:

Having regular support, especially in the first few weeks, and really for quite a while afterwards is very important as you rightly point out. I think this is one of the big advantages of the twelve step programmes like Alcoholics Anonymous, where you can daily attend meetings and you can arrange a sponsor who is available for you to connect to and get support. Your sponsor has to be someone you trust so you can learn to listen to what they say and stop yourself from getting into risky situations. I would advise you to use this kind of support as you also have the support of other members there as well, who know what you are going through.

If that does not suit, you can get support from local Drug and Alcohol groups and help lines.

If you would like to work with me via text or e-mail, then you can e-mail me to discuss suitable arrangements about cost, perhaps $5 per text and $10 per e-mail. Have a look at my website at www.invitationtotalk.co.uk. There would however be difficulties with time lines as I am writing from the United Kingdom, so the response may not be as quick as you would like.

On the other hand, you could say that you need to build up some inner support before you try to give up drinking and we may be able to work through your difficulties in staying with the decision to stop via e-mails only, as a preparatory exercise before you as it were start stopping.

I would be prepared to give this sort of support. Whatever you choose, I wish you the best of success in getting free.

Yours,

Jill Edwards

Question: Good Morning Jill... I am a VERY grateful member of Al-Anon and have been for almost 9 years. I have come a long way, and am fully aware that I can never leave this program and that I will never graduate. For me, my recovery is a matter of life and death. I hear people talk about the drug addict and alcoholic, but what about our addiction to people, places, and things? My relationships with men haven’t been much different than that of a drug addict with his drug. I have sold my soul, believed lies, and gone back to harmful situations over and over again, thinking that this time it’s going to be different, and last time wasn’t really that bad. I don't self-mutilate, nor do I have the desire to self-medicate myself with unhealthy choices today. However, I still get frustrated with my thoughts and beliefs about myself. I think I understand there are functioning alcoholics and nonfunctioning alcoholics. I have been a nonfunctioning love addict and codependent. Nonfunctioning in the sense that when I am practicing my disease, everything goes out the window. In the past I abandoned my kids, work, commitments, and whatever else I had perceived to being in the way of me practicing my addiction. I still have hysterical moments which I like to remind myself “hysterical means historical.” I am very mad at my HP and world today. I have accomplished so much in my life, and am reminded of this daily and still don’t see it in me. Short story is that my own mother never loved me. It’s my perception and I so far am unable to shake this demon that wants to hold me hostage. Years of counseling hadn’t come close to what I have gotten from Al-Anon, working my steps, sponsoring other women, and being of service on an above group level. Deep down I still feel like if you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me or want me in your life. Sometimes I think our disease is under estimated and considered ridiculous. I am here to say it’s not, it’s real, it’s painful, and it takes a huge commitment to stick with it and face the painful past. I have a future in front of me with great potential, and yet find myself trying to sabotage it with old thinking. I have a new book just published, been offered an hour on Hay House radio, and was just certified as a life coach. I have book signing engagements coming up, and I need help. The old tapes get very loud and want to fool me into believing I am not good enough and an imposter. sigh....

Jill Edwards Says...:

Dear Friend

I would like to begin by confirming that poor intimate relationships really act as an addiction in any person’s life and that living closely to a practicing alcoholic can often be the source situation for that to happen. I listen sadly to what you have lost in this cause, the children, the work, and any sense that you are safely located in your life. And like you I am inspired by the contribution you have made and are currently making. I believe that it is the “old tapes” and the voices in your life that both make you feel worthless and make you feel you have to be of immense service to others, that can be focused on to create a free-er space for you.

Yours are not difficulties that can be solved by a single e-mail, but I would like to work with you by weekly e-mail dealing with your current events and supporting you in making helpful choices in your life and learning to stand separate from these driving influences in your life. You can look at my website at www.invitationtotalk.co.uk to get an idea of my practice. If you would like to work with me send me an e-mail to mrsjilledwards@gmail.com and send me via my Paypal account the equivalent of £30.00. Paypal will ask for my e-mail address and send it that way. I will then send you an e-mail in reply and you will have time to think through the issues you have, before you make a reply. It may be that over time we can work in some Skype calls as well.

It would be nice to hear from you.

Jill Edwards

Question: Can you get online counseling for gambling addiction? I don’t know if it’s a good idea for me or not. I don’t really want to go and see a therapist because I don’t want my wife to know that I have been gambling again and it would be hard to hide going to an office every week from her. She works night and evenings so if I could find an online therapist who works those times then she would never have to know I was having sessions. The only real drawback for me is that going online is definitely a trigger for me. But maybe if I just made sure to go online only for therapy, and maybe that’s something that I could work on as well?

Jill Edwards Says...:

Well, you are asking an on-line therapist if you can get on-line counselling for gambling, so in a way, my answer is bound to be yes! But there are conditions and these conditions may be easier to fulfil on-line than they are in real life. It may be easier for you to be really honest with me about what is happening than you are able to be with your partner or wife because you cannot actually see me. Given that going on-line is a trigger for gambling, we may have you do this work at different time of the day than you would usually have used. You probably understand that gambling is usually the problem people can see, but in most cases there is an underlying emotional story or patterning which also needs to be understood.

The way I approach on-line work, is for people to write a weekly e-mail and to talk to me for half an hour on the phone. These can be arranged so that you can keep your therapy private. The cost is £30 per week and the money is paid via Paypal to my e-mail address mrsjilledwards@gmail.com. What about giving me a call on 07948354827 and arranging to do some on-line work. Really, you will be the one who decides whether on-line counselling for gambling helps. What you do will make all the difference.

Question: Hello Stephanie, I've been diagnosed and treated for prostate cancer which is now recurring at an extremely aggressive rate. The Dr. (Yes, I understand this is a statistical number) indicates that I have between 2-5 years, but then later indicated that since he doesn't have a crystal ball, it could be as high as 5-9 years. So, I'm struggling to come to terms with that. I believe I'm suffering from depression and am looking for a way to deal with the inevitable and the depression in the meanwhile. What would you recommend?

Stephanie Adams Says...:

There's no way to make news like this one "okay." It's a life-altering diagnosis. People react to this kind of diagnosis in different ways. Some feel like giving up, some decide to do things they've never done before, and some try to go on with things as they were.

You can only begin to overcome this particular kind of depression by asking yourself what you want out of your remaining years (whether those years number two, five, nine or twenty) and how to make a plan to achieve as many of those moments as possible. The answer to that one is complex, and different for everyone. For some it will be time with family, special events, for others it might be taking a risk or realizing a dream like writing a novel. But the most important thing right now is that you don't let yourself just wait for the worst to come...and instead choose what you want the remainder of your life to be. The former is the fastest route to depression, and the latter one of the most freeing choices you can make.

Outside of that, remember that dealing with all that comes with a diagnosis like this one really requires a team approach: you need to lean on your family and friends, seek out the support of spiritual leaders if applicable, and speak with doctors about treatment options. I would also recommend having a face-to-face session (or more than one) with a therapist knowledgeable in the areas of depression and terminal illness. Ask your doctor for a recommendation.

Try this, and remember - it's not over until it's over. You never know how things will play out.

Question: I have liver cancer. I probably have less than a year to live. I do not really know how to deal with this. How do I come to terms with this so I can deal with this and get as much enjoyment as I can out of my last year? I have mobility issues that make getting to an office difficult.

Dr. Ari Hahn Says...:

I would love to be able to help you solve your dilemma. I have never been terminally ill. However, I can put you in the right direction.

But before I do that, I need to say that when you say, "I probably have less than a year to live" how do you know that? I suspect that a doctor told you. How does he know that? He looked at statistics. You need to know that such statements are based on large numbers of people who are in a similar clinical situation and what percentage  of people live a certain amount of time. Even if 90% of the people similar to you clinically die in three days, there is no way of predicting if you, as an individual, will live for three days, three months, three years of 30 years. Statistics are based on large groups of people and cannot predict what will happen with you. 

But you might know more than your doctor, and your might know that your time is limited. Or you might disagree but were convinced by him or her. Either way, I have two links that can be helpful. One is about a book. It is called, Tuesdays with Morrie."  Here is an excerpt:

“‘Everybody knows they’re going to die, but nobody believes it. If we did, we would do things differently,’ Morrie said. ‘So we kid ourselves about death,’ I (Mitch) said. ‘Yes, but there’s a better approach. To know you’re going to die and be prepared for it at any time. That’s better. That way you can be actually be more involved in your life while you’re living. . . Every day, have a little bird on your shoulder that asks, ‘Is today the day? Am I ready? Am I doing all I need to do? Am I being the person I want to be?... The truth is, Mitch, once you learn how to die, you learn how to live… Most of us walk around as if we’re sleepwalking. We really don’t experience the world fully because we’re half asleep, doing things we automatically think we have to do… Learn how to die, and you learn how to live.’”—Tuesdays with Morrie

Here is a link: http://www.randomhouse.com/features/morrie/excerpt.html

The other about a professor who died a few years ago after a battle with cancer. He is a true inspiration for anybody who needs to learn how to live. This is a link to his final lecture: video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5700431505846055184 His name was Randy Pausch. You can google him. 

If you need help digesting and integrating all this, or coaching on achieving your goals for a positive life, please call me. 

Question: Is there anywhere to get free or very low cost online counseling for anxiety? I don’t have a lot of money.

Scott Graham Says...:

Hi,

The reality of counseling is that there are few options for people who don't have money -- or insurance -- to pay for it. (That is a commentary about health in general).

If you have no -- or very little -- money -- your best option is a community mental health center that has federal or state funding to supplement their budget.

Online you will find support groups -- like dailystrength.org -- but recognize that you are not getting professional help.

You might also post a request for a coach at noomii.com but recognize that coaching is like the Wild Wild West:  coaching is an UNREGULATED profession and ANYONE can claim to be a coach and claim to help you.