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Husband on Webcam - Is It Cheating?

answered 03:49 PM EST, Fri August 26, 2011
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anonymous anonymous
I found that my husband has been participating in regular webcam sessions with performers that he pays to take their clothes off.

I feel quite betrayed but he says that it’s totally meaningless, that I am overreacting and that it’s just a harmless outlet for him and that it is something that most guys do.

I don’t know what to think but the fact that he was using a credit card that I didn’t even know about to pay for his thrills makes me wonder how much he is still not telling me. I feel like he has been cheating on me and it’s hard for me to even look at him across the dinner table anymore.

Am I overreacting? But even if I am, how can I change the way I feel?

Rob Weiss Says...

The digital era has changed the face of cheating. It has so changed the landscape of marriage, relationships, and infidelity that we have even created a site on this called ItsCheating.com because many people are confused about what constitutes infidelity.

The short answer to your question is yes, this is cheating.  I have a very basic definition of infidelity that should validate your feelings:

Infidelity is simply defined as the breaking of trust and the keeping of secrets in an intimate partnership.

There have been some studies that show online cheating does typically progress to real-world cheating. One study published in the journal Sexuality & Culture involved a survey of more than 5,100 people. Participants seemed to follow a pattern of behavior: sexting, then cybersex, then ultimately a real-life relationship outside of an intimate one.

Researchers summarized that when people get involved with sexting or online sexual relationships, this behavior seemed to predict that a cheating episode was likely to occur.

Your instincts are right on. If he is lying to you, has a secret credit card account, and laughing it off as insignificant there may be more you don’t know about.

You cannot change the way you feel. Your feelings are completely normal and valid. However, you may find support in meetings like those offered by S-Anon, which is a free program of recovery for those who have been affected by someone else’s sexual behavior. A program like this will help you to recognize that you did not cause the behavior and you are not the problem.

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Page last updated Apr 07, 2018

Rob Weiss - LCSW, CSAT-S
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