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In-Person Counseling Cannot be Completely Replaced Online

answered 06:21 PM EST, Fri December 06, 2013
anonymous anonymous
I have been dating my current bf for about 2 months; for personal reasons not related to morals or religion, I wait to have sex until I feel I trust the integrity of the man and feel a level of comfort & trust in what he is telling me.He has a high sex drive and has been difficult for him to wait for me while we kiss or make out; I have intentionally turned him down to come to my place or me to his so the situation does not get to a point where he feels I teased him, but our attraction is so strong that even kissing he has blamed me now for teasing him; he has told me he loves me and got me a promise ring, but I haven't met the family or friends or anyone that knows him, and not only do I not listen to his words only, I've told him I don't :) but the fact that we like each other is real. I've brought up concerns but also know been very tough on him , as I am looking and entered this and was open wt him for a life together if things go well. Since then I found out he has bad credit,debt, and an aggressive side, he is at the same time affectionate, funny, passionate, kind, so my feelings are mixed. I was getting ready to get more intimate wt him but since has has been pressuring me by keep asking after every date to go to his place or mine, I have turned off and basically told him if he pressures me, I will leave; that I will do it when I am ready, otherwise I'll resent him for pressuring me. It is hard for me to wait too as I am very very attracted to him, but afraid I will be attached to a man I need to still know better; one time when he said let's go to my place, I decided to confidently say, sure I'd love to see your place and then we can go out; he was driving and lost it on me saying I teased him (our flirtation was a bit sexual that day and he was very turned on I know, so while I take 10% of the blame, what happended next was all him); he stopped the car asked if I were to lose him, 'd I still not have sex wt him. I said no I'd not sleep wt him to keep him. He got mad & lost it; I asked him to drop me off at my car, and he was so mad he said why don't you get out here, pulled at the side of the road, I took his promise ring off and gently put it down, while he was telling me to get the fuck out bitch. I did and called him a jerk, and said I am getting to know you now. He then got out, followed me as I was crying, begged me for an apoogy 5 minutes later, and was on his knees to forgive him, he said the testosterone got to his head and he exploded he is under a lot of pressure and the sexual frustration added to it and he just lost it, he 'd not leave me there and told me to pls come with him so he 'd take me for some dinner and a drink for us both to calm down. After this I was done wt him told his behaviour was abusive and told him to start meditating and going to counseling because there was no way I was going to join lives with him with his financial issue and agrression. He was blaming me, I know this is all typical abusive behaviour any counselor 'd tell me. I have not decided what I will do, but I told him we will see because 1 more incident like that and I am done and gone forever. I don't understand as he is a loving healthy man but he told me he was beaten as a child growing up and blames his agression on the world around him and people in his life, he even blamed me. I told him he has to find whatever way to deal with it differently; in our relationship that will not work. the relationship will stop; he hurt me and it has an effect. While he swore to meditate and then opened up about other pressures in his life like his problems with his family, I have had some anxiety, I refuse to go to his place and have told him the trust has to be built back up from the ground now. He says this is very rare how he acted but just the other day, I said something he took it as a direct insult; i told him if smokes pot regularly, I am not ok wt that. I don't even think it's necessary once in a while but that i may be able to deal wt. I made a general statemetn that of course i 'd not want to be wt a pothead, he dropped the umbrella he was holding over us as was raining and just left. without a word. I ignored him for a day and then told him that makes me sad when he does that he should say he is upset and needs to leave and not just leave like that. He always apologizes on the phone but I dont know if he is really sorry because in person he says I am to be blamed so in this case I told him he misunderstood, I was talking general didn't mean to offend him and he said ok it was a misunderstanding. the relationship is fresh, I don't want to get into an abusive situation, however also I have never in my life met someone where we looked at the world the same way in this way, which is part of the physical and somewhat mental and spiritual connection we have I and he have never had with anyone, and why he doesn't understand why we have to wait to get physical. it is gettign to a point where I know I am afraid too and almost want a guarantee (this is a pattern with me) that I won' be hurt , but I really almost want to now be with him, even though I don't 100% trust him (but I had him get tested wt STDS's although I can't be sure if after test he was wt anyone) and asking to use protection) then I can treat it like just sex and if he turns out to be a jerk, I won't be disappointed; I haven't been with anyone for 3 years now also and my hormones are raging; I am wondering if benefits of just letting myself go for it 'd be better than worse to get it out of my system, and let the tension diffuse; my only concern is his aggressive behaviour; he is also from a male dominant culture so I have said to him I am a woman who needs to be respected, and treated like a human being or I will be completely turned off, so he knows me too. What is your advice whether I should get physical because I feel already emotionally attached anyway? or walk away from him or give him a chance to see if he waits and really loves me? I don't know at what point I can be sure to be with him and that is me and not the previous pressure for him; if I do it, I want to to do it for me so I can take responsibility for what ever happens after. Also he is only the 2nd man in my life I will have been with (I am 40 by choice) the first guy was not a great experience for me at first although had enjoyable moments but lots of anxiety attached to it but didn't feel like love just attraction but he became my fiance (now ex fiance), so part of my fear is the disappointment and hurt of that serious relationshp that was supposed to lead to marriage and kids that I broke off because I realized I was just attached due to the sex not love and was not compatible with him; can I look at this as just fun as I may need the sex too and then if he is a good guy then if it leads to mor e it will just be a pleasant surprise; and if he is not, I can just call it a fling and move on?

E W Says...

I am sorry you feel conflicted, but definitely feel you should seek a licensed therapist, in person, because - although you write effusively, there are many benefits to seeing a licensed counselor, in person, rather than seeking a one-time answer.

First benefit - an in-person therapist can more easily address multiple issues that may present at one time.  Not saying that you have a lot of issues, but you raise many questions in your one "question" and you may benefit from actually taking the time to explore them all - or most of them - before making any rash decisions.

Second benefit - online or in-person, a therapist can direct you towards exploratory informational and educational materials.  Counseling helps people learn about their "patterns" - as you mention - and to find ways to learn more about one's own values and ethics and actions.  

Third benefit - an in-person counselor can assist in a more comprehensive assessment of your needs.  One online question cannot address the many facets of human relationships you may want to discuss.  

Please be safe, stay safe, and consider seeking assistance.  Your local crisis hotline, resource center, or churches may all have resources for you, if you don't have insurance.  Please, again, be safe, stay safe, and consider seeking assistance.

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Page last updated Dec 09, 2013

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