Learn how setting personal boundaries and demanding accountability works better than trying to manipulate behavioral change.

Part 1 of a 3 part-series on living with and loving an addicted significant other:

There are circular patterns that Affected Others find themselves in when their partner or spouse remains active in addiction. Ultimately that pattern becomes either a progressive move toward acceptance or a downward spiral of destruction. When we focus our energies on saving those we love, we most often lose ourselves.

For the actively addicted, we hope that they receive the 'gift of desperation.' This counter intuitive concept dictates that when one has suffered sufficiently, they change and new possibilities are created. For the affected other, desperation comes more readily and quickly. It’s not seen as a gift. It’s more likely a point at which we stop investing and come to terms with the reality that they can’t just stop, we can’t make them stop, and we need to determine what we are and are not willing to do.

Living in a Fishbowl

The fishbowl affect dictates that when you’re surrounded by something, it’s impossible to step outside of it to gain a different perspective. It’s all you can see. The non-addicted partner often feels responsible – not only for outcomes but for how the family is perceived by others.

We often feel that our partner’s behavior is a reflection on ourselves and our family as a whole. We feel judged by others. Shame prevents us from sharing our struggles with others and too often, reaching out to loved ones, Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and/or professionals becomes a last resort.

Why Can’t They Just Stop?

It’s always striking when I meet people who don’t know they’re angry. She’s a smart woman, good mother, and she doesn’t understand the first thing about addiction. The first thing she asks me is, “Are you sure he has a disease and that he’s not just being selfish?”

In our first couples session she asked him, “Why can’t you just stop?” His shame was palpable as he explained, “I …can. Stopping is hard but I can do it for a while. The real problem is staying away from it. That seems to be impossible for me.” She stared at him with disbelief and asked me, “What do I need to do?”

Over the coming year I gave her a lot of information and suggestions. She didn’t care for any of it, which was understandable as her husband’s prognosis was poor. What annoyed her the most was my ongoing suggestion that she take care of herself. She assured me repeatedly, “I’ll take care of me when all of this (her husband’s active use ending and recovery beginning) is done."

When we go through hell alone, it’s lonely.

How Do I Make Them Stop?

When we’re unwilling to accept powerlessness, we live on an emotional roller coaster. Our hopes climb, only to be dashed. Our anger ebbs and flows. All the while, too many of us are stuck seeking ways to control what we cannot control.

She took him to church. She believed the preacher when he told her that all her husband had to do was confess and leave his addiction at the altar. He went faithfully. He went high. Nothing changed.

She sent him to their family doctor. With all good intentions, the doctor prescribed pills that were addictive and easily abused. She sent him to the methadone clinic. He received progressively larger doses until all he did was sleep and eat. 

She sent him to NA and hoped he’s meet some good folks. He did. Then he bought pills on the ride home. For all that she tried, he continued to see being clean as an impossibility.

She despaired, “Nothing I’m doing is working! What am I supposed to do?”

Stop. As long as you’re working harder than he is, nothing changes!

The distance between what she knew and could accept was a chasm. She faced what seemed like a paradox – how to accept what she found to be unacceptable?

The answer: by accepting that you’re powerless to change it and turning the focus toward what you can do.

"I’ll Leave If You Don’t Stop"

Ultimatums are easier than acceptance. She told him to get clean and get help or get out. He got out. To set this boundary was healthy. Unfortunately she had used it as a form of manipulation, believing that he would feel compelled to change.

She overlooked a painful truth: Manipulating an addict is very hard to do because they are master manipulators.

Note: Unfortunately, addicts are master manipulators!

The active addict/alcoholic will often use shame and self deprecation as a means to avoid accountability. Evoking pity or even disdain is both an attempt to absolve themselves and to seek absolution. She crumbled. She took him back time and again. Always there was the promise of change, never did it last.

The relationship became progressively toxic.

The First Word In Recovery

Accountability is the most important word for those entering recovery. If we don’t have it then we don’t get better. This is also true for the affected other. While we don’t have control over the choices of an active addict; we do have control over how we choose to respond to their behavior.

Her anger was so righteous and so focused on his continued use that she overlooked the impact of her own choices on herself and her children. Progressively the man she once loved was claimed by his disease. The decision was made for her when at last he overdosed.

Part 2 of this series looks at options for ending an addiction-compromised relationship. In part 3, find tips on rebuilding a healthy and happy relationship through early and mid recovery.

Image Copyright: Luke Hayfield Photography

When adult children battle addiction, how do you support your grandchildren without enabling their parents? Read on for the do's and dont's.

How do you support your grandchildren without enabling their addicted parent(s)?

One of the most difficult conversations I have with the loved ones of an addict/alcoholic is how to walk the fine line between being supportive and enabling. Enabling is protecting an adult from the natural consequences of their actions. It’s difficult to avoid because it’s counter intuitive not to protect the people we love (even when it’s from themselves).

Unfortunately, enabling an addict is rarely a black and white issue. When the fate and well being of others (especially children) is negatively impacted by the addict continuing to use, we feel compelled to act. This is very much a gray area. We can speculate that taking care of an addict’s children makes it all the easier for an addict to use. Yet knowing that their children will suffer, we cannot stand idly by. For many of us, this is exactly how we find ourselves (full time or part time) raising our children’s children.

Not Having a Plan

Some of us give support out of compassion, others from guilt. We often feel responsible for the choices our adult children make (we’re not). This leaves us with a sense of obligation that often leads to resentment. Our downfall is most often silently waiting and hoping that things will get better instead of seeking accountability from the addict and support for ourselves.

Loving an active addict means living with a certain amount of unknowns and instability. Rarely have I met a family who carefully planned how they’d support their children and grandchildren under the shadow of addiction. Typically it’s something that starts as an urgent need and becomes an ongoing but unclear commitment.

Making it Manageable

Clear boundaries and limits are the keys to making challenges in life as manageable as possible. As uncomfortable as it often is for us to accept and express what our limitations are, failing to do so sets precedents we find hard to break. Get on the same page with yourself and your partner before attempting to make a plan or setting ground rules with your addicted adult child. The pitfall is that those active in addiction are masterful in their ability to manipulate.

Setting boundaries is as simple as saying, “Here is what I am willing to do (A, B, C) and here is what I’m not willing to do (X, Y, Z).” The consistency with which we maintain boundaries determines their success. Please bear in mind that as long as our loved ones stay active, they are likely to test every limit we set. Stay the course!

Walking the Fine Line

Even for those of us who have raised children, it’s easy to forget that kids living with addiction always know more than we think they do. As we compensate for the unavailability of our adult children, we sometimes seek to protect our grandchildren from the truth. Rarely have I seen this be helpful to a child and it tends to increase the stress of caregivers exponentially.

Instead of watering down the truth, tailor it to the child’s developmental level. It’s appropriate to say that their parent(s) are sick. It’s okay to admit that we don’t know when they’ll be better. Reassuring the child(ren) does not mean promising that the addict/alcoholic will be OK, but rather that we’ll ensure that the child is safe and cared for.

Dos and Don’ts

Do:

• Communicate clearly with your adult child regarding expectations and boundaries.
• Express your feelings very simply and directly.
• State your needs with regard to what you provide their children.
• Express desire to support efforts toward sobriety and recovery.
• Become knowledgeable regarding resources for your adult child and share them.
• Please consider consulting with a social worker in your community regarding laws that relate to emergency medical care for children and how to best manage your family’s challenges.

Don’t:

• Give cash or receipts for items purchased.
• Walk on eggshells or protect your adult children from any truth.
• Be reactive. Take at least a minute before agreeing to anything. Consider options and offer to respond as quickly as possible. Decisions made under duress are often regrettable.
• Tolerate threats or abuse of any kind.
• Pretend that things are fine when they’re not.
• Be ashamed. Your son/daughter lives with a disease and their addiction did not result from mistakes you may have made in raising them.
• Feel guilty when you find yourself angry with the people you love. You’re only human.

Getting Into the Solution

We need information, resources, and kindred spirits in order to get through difficult times. The value of getting support from the good men and women of Nar Anon and Al Anon cannot be overstated. We understand what you’re going through and benefit from giving support as well as from receiving it. Addiction is a global problem and a community problem. It is not something any individual or family ought to face alone.

The most powerful tool is the truth. Mincing words or walking on eggshells are common mistakes 'affected others' make. Simple, direct, and clear communication gives us our best chance to be heard.

As an addictions counselor, I’m often asked by friends and family members of an active addict or alcoholic how they can best communicate with their loved one. My response is always, “Simply, directly, and powerfully.” In general, the more uncomfortable people are, the more words they use.

As anyone in recovery will tell you, any use of subtlety is counter-productive. You’re trying to tell us something we don’t want to hear and we’re brilliant in our ability to manipulate both language and people.

Here is a primer on how to communicate with us addicts and alcoholics...

Have Conviction

Before you approach your loved one, make sure you have a reasonable amount of clarity as to what you need them to hear. If you’re unclear, we’ll prey upon your doubts and/or talk in circles until you’ve completely lost track of the point you were trying to make.

Make your points simply. Ask direct questions and seek direct answers. Everything else is us deceiving both you and ourselves. 

Ask to Talk

Be clear that you want to express concerns or pass along information without judgment. If we feel a lecture is coming or that judgment is being cast we’re not really going to listen. Use 'I Statements.' If you’re describing what’s going on with you (caring, worry, concern) we’re more likely to take it in than if you’re pointing a finger and telling us what we need to change.

Do your best to remain calm. Walking on eggshells doesn’t work, but yelling is guaranteed to shut us down.

No Contingencies

Listen for us using words like, “probably”, “possibly”, or “maybe.” Be alarmed if you hear us say these things. What they really mean is “no.” Unless we say, “I will” you should expect that we have no intention of doing as you’ve asked. 

Accountability is the key

Even if we’re agreeable, get down to the specifics of who, what, when, and where. Anything less than this isn’t a plan we’re at all likely to take responsibility for.

Active Listening Skills with an Addict/Alcoholic

Pay close attention to how we speak. Notice when we’re...

• Deflecting: Turning the topic back on you, changing the subject, using humor to lighten the mood.
• Rationalizing: Explaining why something that clearly is not okay is okay.
• Minimizing: Comparing to extreme examples, describing how it could be much worse, making our use relative to others.
• Avoiding: Pretending we didn’t hear you, explaining that you worry too much.

Pay attention to our body language

Notice where our eyes are:

• If we’re making eye contact - we’re engaged.
• If we’re staring at the floor - we’re ashamed.
• If we’re staring at the ceiling - we’re exasperated or pretending to be searching for an answer (stalling).
• If we’re staring into space, stop talking - We’ve checked out.

Notice our body language:

• A degree of high muscle tension indicates stress and likely fear.
• Hand wringing points toward anxiety and worry.
• If we’re turning away from you, we’re looking to leave the conversation and/or the building.

A relaxed posture suggests we’re open and receptive.

Trust your Gut

The best service I can provide to those active in addiction is to point out when I sense that they’re lying to themselves. This is partly the product of working from an objective perspective yet it remains largely an intuitive process.

The reason that alcoholics and addicts are so believable when we lie is that we’ve managed to convince ourselves that the lie is true. If something doesn’t add up, don’t wait until you can prove that it doesn’t. Check in with us by asking to help you understand.

Leave the Door Open

Regardless of how an individual conversation goes, let us know that you’re always open to talking in the future. If there are boundaries that you need to set around future conversations (that we be sober, that there not be yelling) state them. If you care then you’re a lifeline and we need you. No matter how hurtfully we may behave, we do love you. Don’t excuse our behavior but try not to take it personally either. Keep at the forefront of your thoughts that progressively it’s our disease that runs the show.

Recovery brings a lot of changes and upheaval. Couples can grow and thrive throughout recovery by being mindful, establishing boundaries and expressing needs.

This is part 3 of a 3 part-series on addiction-affected relationships. In the first article, we explored guidelines for living with a partner who currently drinks/uses, in part 2, we looked at how to go about ending an addiction-destroyed relationship, and in this last installment, we'll explore issues surrounding rebuilding a satisfying relationship to coincide with a new life in recovery.

Out of Balance

Ecology gave us the concept of homeostasis, the idea that ecosystems small and large seek to maintain balance and perpetuate themselves. Substance abuse and mental health disciplines have applied this concept to family units. People tend to derive a sense of security out of predictability and they often subconsciously act to maintain status quo. This is especially true of families impacted by addiction.

The involvement of affected others in treatment is highly recommended if the family seeks to improve relations through the course of their loved one’s recovery. In addition to past and present areas of dysfunction, there is a great deal of change that will occur through the course of sobriety and major life changes.

Partners and spouses of those in recovery often describe to me a point in their relationship that they, “want to get back to.” They’re chagrined when I explain the simple truth: there is no going back.

There are always things from the past that need to be addressed, but the focus must first be on stability in the here and now.

Everything Changes

Sobriety is the ultimate game changer. Everything shifts and our expectations must align with the new life ahead. It’s disappointing to many that achieving sobriety does not resolve every problem. This is an uncomfortable reality:

Sobriety doesn’t make everything better; it keeps it from getting worse.

Sobriety does improve physical health, cognitive processing, and emotional stability. This is not what the affected other is accustomed to. The ways in which we interact change accordingly.

The role of the affected other shifts:

• The monitoring, the acute awareness of the state their loved one is in (“That’s his fifth scotch”) and the compensating for his/her behavior is no longer necessary.
• The responsibility that we took for our partner is no longer warranted. Many of us discovered that we had unwittingly been filling a role more closely resembling a parent or caregiver than partner.
  

We’re liberated from what we did not consciously choose.

So Now What?

Moving from enabler, caregiver, or from being estranged to being in a healthy relationship is a long journey. We’re working against history and all that it holds. Setting new expectations for ourselves and of our partners is a great start. The difficulty is that we’ve been so focused on their needs that we lost sight of our own.

Two of the hardest questions I ask people: “What do you need?” and “What do you want?” For the first time in a long time we find ourselves with partners who have a new found willingness to meet our needs. We also find ourselves free to attend to our own pursuits and goals.

I encourage couples to set goals for every part of their lives – for recovery, for their partnership and for all of their mutual interests and endeavors. This makes expectations overt and it brings the couple to a place of cooperation and shared investment.

Working together builds mutuality and respect.

Too often the person in recovery goes to the extremes of trying to make up for the past in short order or maintaining a selfish focus on their individual interests.

The Fear Remains

Early recovery is a roller coaster ride for both parties. It’s easy to stay with old habits like walking on eggshells. The affected other is afraid to ask if sobriety is intact and if what’s necessary to maintain it is being done. I urge them to ask. If your partner is offended by the question, remind them that you both have the same fear but only one of you has any control over it. Powerlessness can unite us or create distance in our partnership.

Balancing Life & Recovery

Maintenance is not exciting and it is an easy investment to devalue. Many affected others feel that they and their families come second to the fellowship, time spent with sponsors, and meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous.

It’s an uncomfortable adjustment that our partners now have a host of people we don’t know in their lives. I urge affected others to attend meetings (choose 'open' meetings from AA and NA). Seeing firsthand what our partners are experiencing demystifies the process and helps us to understand why this is indeed a worthwhile investment.

Rebuilding Intimacy

The partner in recovery is often impatient and will incredulously ask, “Why do you still not trust me?” I’ll ask how long they’ve been sober and contrast it to how long they were active. At this point it’s usually apparent why trust is slow to come.

There’s an adage in recovery that defines intimacy as “In to me, see.” As we share feelings, needs, and shared experiences, intimacy grows. In my clinical experience, the two topics that couples of every background tend to struggle with the most are sex and spirituality.

If ever there were challenges worth overcoming, these are they. Successful recovery is very often associated with spiritual growth. Sex, at its best is both an expression and experience of intimacy. Growing together supports both partners in becoming, “Happy, Joyous and Free.”

Image Copyright: Ed Yourdon

What do you do when the person you love gets consumed by a disease (addiction) that's beyond your control? How do we know when it's time to leave and how do you manage to adjust to life without your actively addicted partner?

This is the second article in a series on navigating addiction affected romantic relationships. Also read part 1, for advice and guidelines for living with an addicted partner and part 3, for advice on rebuilding a happy relationship through early and mid recovery.

Trying to Be Above Reproach

I would love to have a dollar for every time I’ve heard an affected other say, “I just need to know that I’ve done everything I possibly can.”

The illusion is that some measure of peace can be attained by accumulating a long list of sacrifices and attempts to support, encourage, and tolerate the behavior of a partner or spouse who remains active in addiction. We seek to be above the scrutiny of friends and family before we make the choice to separate and/or end a relationship. We seek to be free of guilt and self-doubt. Too often we seek these things alone and with a very self-limiting perspective.

Our efforts are exhaustive attempts to mitigate a horribly disappointing outcome. The person we fell in love with has gradually been taken from us as their disease progressively takes over. There is no worse form of powerlessness than to bear witness to the suffering of a loved one and be unable to prevent it.

For many of us there comes a moment of clarity in which we see that incurring further suffering will serve no purpose!

In this moment our focus turns 180 degrees. We stop focusing on what we cannot do and orient ourselves toward what we must do. There are myriad pragmatic concerns – real world issues that any person faces when leaving a relationship and these deserve both careful planning and support from loved ones.

Detaching with Love

Things happen by default or by design. Choosing to separate or end a relationship overshadowed by addiction is best done by conscious choice coupled with planning for life without the active addict. In the absence of design we tend to procrastinate, only to achieve unplanned resolution in a moment of heightened emotion.

It’s not like there’s a right or wrong way to separate. It’s that we owe it to ourselves to set boundaries. It’s not about wording or picking the right time and place. It’s about having clarity for ourselves moving forward.

Regardless of what we say and what they hear, we need to be on the same page with ourselves.

Practical Considerations

Above all, please consider safety concerns:

• How will you communicate your choices (in person, in writing, by phone, through an attorney)?
• Do you need to be in a public place when you deliver them?
• Do you need to have others present?

Issues to resolve with self:

• Is the separation absolute with no expectation or need for future contact?
• Are there pragmatic concerns (finances, resources) that will need to be addressed and if so how will that occur?
• Do we wish to leave the door open for any other form of continued communication?
• Do we remain hopeful that our loved one will in time meaningfully engage in recovery and if so, are we willing to have contact at that time?
• Where children are involved – what type of contact if any will be allowed (especially when pending court decisions remain).

No Explanations Owed

One of the concerns I hear most from affected others is, “What am I supposed to tell people about why we’re not together anymore?”

I suggest that we have a right to privacy and that we’re not obligated to explain anything. It’s completely appropriate to say that we don't care to discuss the reasons for the relationship ending. It’s appropriate to speak your truth simply and directly if you care to. It’s more a matter of what feels most comfortable for you. At the point at which the relationship has ended, the only person you’re responsible for is you.

What to Tell the Children?

The concern of what to tell children and those we wish to share with is a difficult proposition. I favor the truth as directly and simply as possible. It’s usually surprising to us to be faced with how much they already knew. This is especially true of children. Tailoring our truth to the developmental level of children is important. Helping them to understand that their loved one is very 'sick' is sufficient when coupled with a willingness to answer their questions. Our efforts are best designed to help them to arrive at the same truth we’ve attained:

We didn’t cause it. We couldn’t prevent it. We can’t control it. Powerlessness is one of life’s hardest lessons. There are painful realities in life that we can do little about. And yet...

Life Goes On (adjusting to life without the addict)

Relief is spiritual but fleeting. It’s almost always short lived. The weight has been lifted and now we’re not quite sure what to do with ourselves. Instinctively we ask ourselves, “Now what?” I urge you to be mindful at this juncture. The way we’re wired, we’re most likely to go looking for the next problem to solve, the next person who needs us, or the next shiny distraction to occupy ourselves with.

There are lessons to learn and losses to grieve. Whatever we do not accept we are likely to repeat. Take time to invest in yourself. Take time for you.

Image Copyright: Merlijen Hoek

Six effective ways to help a treatment-ready heroin user that you love make positive changes - what to do and how to help.

You can’t make them quit - you cannot do it for them, but you can play an important role in supporting change and through emotional and practical support you can increase their odds of movement in the right direction.

Addiction is a chronic condition that’s characterized by recurrent relapse and treatment need. Though it’s frustrating to watch a person you love fall repeatedly back into the same problems, it’s important to keep working at positive change and to accept that setbacks are an unfortunate reality of addiction.

Here are 6 great ways to offer support and to encourage health and well-being over the course of a lifetime.

Six Ways to Help

1. Get as educated as you can about the nature of heroin addiction, the brain changes associated with addiction and the difficulties inherent in overcoming opioid addiction. As you learn more about the chronic nature of addiction and the commonality of relapse you may feel less frustrated by setbacks and more able to continue on offering valuable support and encouragement.
2. Accept that it’s not up to you to decide on a treatment goal. Listen to your loved one, respect their chosen objective and help them to achieve their goal – whatever it may be. For example, though you might hope for abstinence, your loved one might prefer a more gradual harm reduction approach. Help them work toward that goal and know that by making some progress today you improve the chances of even greater progress tomorrow.
3. Offer to provide transportation to and from treatment appointments (offer to attend these meetings too, if that’s welcomed).
4. Consider whether your whole family might benefit from family therapy to reduce dysfunctional dynamics that contribute to the problem.
5. Encourage your loved-one to broaden their social networks beyond those associated with drug use. Encourage participation in positive activities in the community.
6. Know what to do in the event of an overdose. The opioid antagonist naloxone can be a lifesaver in the case of heroin overdose. Have naloxone at home and know how to administer it (ask your doctor about acquiring this medication). Unfortunately, heroin users are at elevated risk of overdose during and after treatment attempts, when temporary stoppage leads to a tolerance reduction.
   

More Than Just Abstinence

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

Though abstinence and complete recovery from use is the best possible outcome, it’s important to note that even when treatment doesn’t result in full abstinence, it can still improve health and well-being and it is still worth your support – no matter how many times it is needed over the course of a lifespan.

Beyond abstinence, people involved with heroin addiction treatment tend to use less heroin, and the longer a person stays with treatment, the greater the reduction in use.

Reduced Use is associated with:¹

• A decreased risk of overdose, infectious disease and other health complications
• Decreased criminality
• Improved social, emotional and cognitive functioning
• More involvement in drug-free society
• Better functioning in relationships (romantic/familial/parenting, etc.)

Treatment helps people make small improvements that increase their likelihood of full recovery, and significantly, it also helps to keep them alive until the day they become ready to try seriously for full and lasting abstinence.

Image Copyright: Jim Nix

Being trapped is most often a state of mind. Are you looking for answers that you know deep down don’t exist? The simple truth is hard to hear.

The simple truth is hard to hear. I receive a lot of emails from affected others. They are almost always from 'very good women' in unhealthy situations, seeking answers that they know deep down don’t exist. 

The emails often start out something like this:

Every email ends the same way:

“Please, what can I do?”

You mean, what can you do for him. 

• You can hold him accountable, assuming it’s safe to do so.
• You can offer support for any healthy undertaking.
• You can encourage.

Most importantly you can:

• Work toward acceptance of powerlessness
• Express your true feelings
• Share your struggles, hopes, and fears with good people
• Educate yourself more fully – not just about addiction but about how addiction affects families
• Turn your attention to yourself, identify your needs, and take action to get them met
• Consider counseling and joining the amazing people of Al-Anon & Nar-Anon

The needs of siblings of active addicts and alcoholics are often overlooked. This is especially true when siblings are adolescents and young adults. Supporting the needs of all family members individually is the key to maintaining a healthy family unit.

Long before I understood what a dysfunctional family was (much less that I was growing up in one); I learned the story of Cain and Able. Sunday school was a mandatory part of my upbringing and the only thing I found even slightly interesting were the stories. I knew that “raising cane/Cain” was a bad thing and my childhood impression was simply that Able was a good son and Cain was not. I wanted to be a good son and could not understand why my best efforts to do so went unnoticed.

Sibling Love or Competition?

It’s natural for children to think in black and white terms. Prior to early adolescence, the child’s brain cannot work with abstract concepts like faith and belief systems. They will simply absorb what you teach them. In adolescence and early adulthood we develop the capacity for choosing our own beliefs and values. This developmental process moved me away from organized religion but it also made me aware that my siblings and I had a lot in common with Cain and Able.

It’s a myth that siblings naturally love each other. They don’t. What siblings do naturally is compete with one another. They have to be taught to be loving and accepting of each other.

In families that experience ongoing abuse, neglect, and/or addiction, these lessons are often not instilled. Competition leads to increased dysfunction and unhealthy relationships between kids who are surviving the same family.

Everyone Has a Role to Play

Why are we so different?

In families like mine, children are unofficially assigned roles. My sister was the smart one, my brother was the funny/talented one, and as the eldest, I was the responsible one. For all that went unspoken, we knew what was expected of us and we provided it. We did this in pursuit of approval and acceptance. We did this to compensate for the craziness of our parents. Even as kids, we understood that maintaining appearances was vitally important.

Watership Down

As a family therapist; I consistently find that whatever affects one member of a family impacts all members of a family whether directly or indirectly. Nowhere is this more apparent than with addiction. Regardless of who the addict is, the rest of the family compensates and conflicts rage, internally and externally, overtly and silently.

Watership Down is a great children’s book that I recommend to families. It describes the behavior of unhealthy families through a story about rabbits. In the midst of highly stressful situations and fear, the rabbits have a simple choice – pull together against a common enemy or turn on one another. Just as the rabbits in this story, families of addiction often “circle the wagons and shoot inward.”

Compensating & Homeostasis

When the addict is an adolescent or young adult, their brothers and sisters often learn to live under a microscope of attention. The addict is Cain and the siblings are expected (by their parents and/or themselves) to be Able. Perfectionism and over-achievement follow. This is compensation in action. Families seek equilibrium, even if it means going to equal and opposite extremes.

Alternatively, the siblings of addicts become invisible. Parents put their lives on hold looking for the addicted child to become a prodigal son/daughter. The siblings grow up in a vacuum of emotional unavailability. The addicted child becomes resented for their ongoing impact on the family unit.

Changing Dysfunctional Dynamics

Living with powerlessness, unhealthy demands, and an ongoing example of what not to be inhibits growth and self expression. Balance is key to healthy change. The family comes to see that its collective whole has been overshadowed by the sickness of one member.

Meeting the needs of each family member to the greatest degree possible promotes healing and supports the well being of the family unit. This starts with the parents/caregivers getting on the same page to accomplish two important tasks:

1. Ensuring that enabling does not occur
   
2. Renewing their commitment to meeting the needs of each family member

This is usually messy, awkward, and uncomfortable. It’s also the only way to return from being a group of individuals to being a functioning family unit. There’s a lot that’s gone unsaid and there’s a lot to work through.

Expressing Feelings and Needs

In the course of any healing process, expectations and feelings need to become overt and clearly expressed. Siblings of addicts often feel pressured to be supportive and to make sacrifices to shore up their parents/caregivers. They often feel unable to express their negative emotions regarding the impact the addict/alcoholic has had individually and on the family as a whole.

It’s vitally important that each member be able to express what they feel, want, and need. This requires turning focus toward self and making ourselves vulnerable enough to share. Family therapy provided by those trained in addictions and Structural Family Therapy can make these waters far easier to navigate.

Siblings of addicts will almost assuredly have very strong feelings about drugs and alcohol. Some will be straight edged and others will resent the idea that they cannot use or drink in moderation. Respecting these views is important – siblings never enjoy being compared to one another.

Learning to live with unknowns is a challenge for any family. We hope and pray our loved ones enter recovery. Independent of their choices, we need to be as healthy as we can be.

Image Copyright: Adwriter

Moving past guilt and powerlessness as we wait for adult children to find recovery.

The Waiting Place

If sitting on the edge of your seat and holding your breath until everything turns out okay actually worked, I’d have a lot of experts I could recommend. I’ve worked with so many good people whose lives are impacted by their loved one’s addictions. They’re stuck in a purgatory of sorts – in what Dr. Seuss called, “The Waiting Place.”

They share sentiments like, “I will get on with my life as soon as I know that everything is resolved with my son.” I understand the feeling that everything must come to a screeching halt when those we hold dearest are active in addiction but I also know this:

Life goes on and too often passes us by this way.

Parents, especially mothers, struggle with worrying. It’s a maladaptive response to fears – real and imaginary. When there’s nothing we can do, we agonize, lose sleep, and fret. It feels necessary, though I’m fond of the expression, “Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere.” I appeal to these folks by saying, “If it helped at all, I’d encourage you to do it.”

Overcoming Obstacles to Acceptance

Powerlessness

The fundamental choice is always acceptance of powerlessness. There is a woman in my local Nar-Anon community whom I greatly admire. Her response to all that she could not do was to focus her attention and efforts on what she could do. This allowed her to do something rather heroic. She knew that others must struggle as she does and so she developed more networks and more meetings for folks to struggle together.

Struggling Alone

The only thing worse than suffering is suffering alone. Coming together allows us to grieve and grieving allows us to release pain and suffering. It allows us to create something meaningful out of something that is otherwise an overshadowing and painful aching of the soul.

Blaming Ourselves (Misplaced Guilt)

As our children are growing up, we tend to see their behavior and attitudes as a direct reflection on our parenting. This doesn’t seem to stop when they enter adulthood. We continue to monitor from afar and while we credit them fully for their successes, we at times wonder where we went wrong when they struggle or fail.

It’s an empty series of epiphanies as we realize again and again that it’s not our fault. We didn’t create it, can’t prevent it, and can’t control it. Still we manage to feel responsible.

Guilt comes in two forms – rational and irrational.

• Rational guilt is useful. It’s our conscience telling us we’ve done wrong. We seek to make amends and to change our ways.
  
• Irrational guilt is simply discomfort with our underlying emotions. Guilt and sadness become default settings. This is why we need to not only to grieve but also to seek comfort and happiness.

Dealing with Anger

We’re often angry at those we love and this feels wrong (it’s not). We get stuck in the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde dichotomy of who our loved ones are when they’re using and who we know them to be when they’re clean/sober. Seeing our loved ones held hostage by obsession and compulsion takes a toll on us.

We’re angry at their disease and this leaves us feeling impotent. Where are we to direct our righteous anger? The disease is not something we can wrap our hands around and render harmless.

What to Do While We Wait

• Do everything in your power to learn about enabling to ensure that all of your efforts to support your loved ones are healthy.
• Become knowledgeable regarding local resources for people in recovery in your community professionally, amongst paraprofessionals, and through self help groups.
• Advocate for expanded resources at every level: municipal, state, and federal. You will likely be outraged once you see how sparse these resources have become.
• Educate yourself regarding the nature of addiction and co-occurring disorders, and gain insight into important topics like Adult Children of Alcoholics.
• Support and join local meetings of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon and be amongst kindred spirits.
• Become a Recovery Ally – someone who is supportive of people who are in recovery from addiction; whether this means helping them get reestablished in employment, housing, or with other basic needs fulfillment as they seek to restart their lives.
• Improve your self care. Consider this: how healthy and prepared do you wish to be when at last your loved one is ready to receive support?
• Grow spiritually. Whether through nature, religion, or personal practices, draw from a power greater than yourself that provides serenity, wisdom, and courage.

Joy in spite of everything. For all that the disease of addiction claims, let us not allow other relationships and important pursuits to suffer as we live with the unknowns.

Image Copyright: Alon

Supporting those who keep going back out: how to maintain hope and effectively cope when a loved one just can't seem to stay sober.

I've always hated it when folks refer to themselves as a "chronic relapser." It's not just a statement about their past; it's also a prediction of their future. For as much as I seek to challenge the thinking of those active in addiction, I have sympathy for the overwhelmingly painful form of powerlessness experienced by those who love them.

After a sufficient number of crises, treatments, rehabs, and heartbreaks, many of us reach a point where continuing to have hope just feels like we're asking for disappointment. This is an easy place to get stuck emotionally.

Assuming that we're not enabling, how do we maintain hope and effectively cope when our loved ones just can't seem to stay sober?

Cumulative Recovery

Every period of sobriety matters. I've served countless folks who have a number they can't get past. It's a pattern that gets perpetuated by relapse at a relatively fixed benchmark. For some it's 30, 60 or 90 days. The most common interval I've seen is six months. There's only so far a person can go in recovery without meaningfully soliciting and accepting support.

Relapse:

It's quick, efficient, and we do it very well. It's like hitting a reset button. I've gone as far as I'm confident going.

I'm left with the choice of going into unchartered waters or returning to my comfort zone.

The addict and affected other (those who love the addict) tend to take an extremely negative view of this cycle. The opportunity is to consider that something is gained in every period of abstinence and nothing that is learned, healed or implemented is ever more than temporarily lost. The question becomes:

What's Going to be Different This Time?

This must not be a rhetorical question. Breaking recurring patterns has to be done with careful planning and a high degree of accountability. Expecting that your loved one demonstrate responsibility is healthy. Demanding that they ensure a different outcome is not. None of us can offer guarantees.

At the same time, we are free to ask ourselves what we need to change:

• Have we set healthy boundaries?
• Are there forms of support we could be offering?
• Most importantly, are we getting support for ourselves?

This is the most overlooked aspect of the journey for most of the families I've served. Many seek professional support but fail to recognize the value of accessing Al-Anon and Nar-Anon.

It's Ok to Be Angry

In fact, whatever you feel is okay. A lot of us feel ashamed to find how upset we are with our friend . It's uncomfortable to resent someone you love. Many of us go to great lengths to hide it, which means resentments fester and pressure builds within us. This is not only a disservice to ourselves, it is also a very subtle form of enabling. Better to:

Communicate Clearly & Honestly

One of the best services we can provide for both active addicts and people in recovery is to simply be honest and direct. It's very healthy for us to share our experiences and hopes as long as we do so without expectations. This means no nagging, no coercion, and no pleading. I suggest giving straightforward feedback when asked, and asking permission to share in other circumstances.

Using "I statements" is often our best strategy. Counselors recommend these because they are the least likely to elicit a defensive response. When we say, "You need..." or "You always..." we can watch the walls of our loved ones go up. When we talk about what we want, feel, and need, defenses are not necessary (though sometimes they come up any way). The best we can do is control our delivery.

When You Just Want to Give Up

First and foremost, it's understandable. I encourage people in recovery and affected others alike to stay away from words like "always" and "never." Doing things once and for all is rarely a good idea. If we need to take some time for ourselves, that's very healthy and it's good to communicate that we will be unavailable for a time. We can offer either a fixed amount of time or simply indicate that we will be in contact when we are ready to communicate again. I urge folks to consider what needs to change so that we can feel safe in reaching out again.

Alas, there are times when we must "detach with love." We sometimes come to a point where the person we once knew is no longer at all present. The disease of addiction claims many long before death. Even here, my bias is not to give up. If we can offer any lifeline at all, this is preferable.

If your loved one has become violent, abusive, or otherwise unsafe, I urge you to wait for evidence that they are approachable. Sadly, this often means a call from jail, prison, hospital or psych ward. May your hopes and prayers be answered soon!

Intoxication leads to a great deal of family violence... violence against children, spouses and the elderly. Find out what you can and can't do to help, and learn how to stay safe.

Alcohol and drug abuse can cause family violence. So, what can you do when alcohol or drugs cause family violence?

Not all people who abuse alcohol or drugs will become violent, but statistically, family abusers are far more likely to also abuse drugs or alcohol, and violent abuse is far more likely to occur while the abuser is intoxicated.

In some cases, the acute effects of the high can cause aggressive, irrational and dangerous outbursts, for example, a meth addict ending a multi day binge can get paranoid, aggressive and violent. If this violence is very out of character and the addict is not otherwise aggressive or violent, then without the negative influence of drug abuse, the violence should stop.

Domestic Assault

In the case of chronic domestic violence though, although the abuser will often get violent while intoxicated, there is no evidence that the violence will stop with the end of alcohol or drug abuse. Most perpetrators of domestic violence will batter both while sober and while intoxicated. For chronic domestic assault, treatment for substance abuse issues alone will not remove the long term threat to the family, and the abuser will need to participate in additional therapy to learn how to end their violent tendencies.

Elder Abuse

Substance abuse and elder abuse, the physical, emotional or neglectful abuse of elderly relatives under the abuser's care also occurs with saddening regularity. The elderly are often targeted for violence and abuse for financial reasons, out of frustration or for no apparent reason at all. Due to their self perceived vulnerability, the elderly are far less likely to report such behaviors to the police or other authorities.

Violence Can Never be Justified

Whatever the reason and whatever the justifications given, if a loved substance abuser harms the family with violence, emotional or sexual assault, the family needs to look after itself in the interest of self preservation, and self preservation needs to come before the needs of the substance abuser.

You are no help to anyone if you are badly injured, and no matter how you may love someone, if they do you harm, they need to go, or you need to go…and the authorities need to get involved.

You cannot allow someone to terrorize you, and whatever your familial ties, there can be no excuses made for someone who would do you physical or other harms.

If you live with or feel threatened by a substance abusing family member, take steps to get safe and take them right now. If your teen son abuses you, he has to go. Call the police and have them escort him out. You still love him, you can still support his treatment, but you can no longer allow him to harm you or others in the family.

If you live with a substance abusing spouse, you need to get out before it gets worse. Get out and get safe as soon as you can, and don’t consider seeing him or her until both the violence and the substance abuse have been therapeutically addressed.

If children are at risk, get out. There is no excuse--no possible rationalization--that ever justifies the abuse of children, and you need to get them safe. Remaining in the home puts your children at risk of physical harm, of developmental delays and at risk to propagate the violence themselves as adults. There can be no tolerance for abuse to children.

If you live with adult children who abuse you, threaten you for money or emotionally terrorize you, you do not have to stay with them. Do not believe that you are better off with family. Call the police.

You may love them, worry for them and rationalize their behaviors, but once they get violent, they have to go. Call the police, learn your rights and your options, and take steps to ensure that it never happens again.

When thinking about marrying a person in early recovery, how can you know that recovery will last? Short answer is - you can't! But you can learn to accept your powerlessness over the situation, make your own life manageable and set healthy boundaries.

Should you marry a person in early recovery?

The love of your life is a good person with a bad disease. Maybe they hid their illness from you. Maybe you were committed before they relapsed. It’s understandable that you’d have reservations and fears moving forward. Before you take that next step, take a long look at both your partner and yourself.

The Dilemma (Controlling the Uncontrollable)

The story I most often hear is that, “When s/he is sober they’re wonderful and I couldn’t be happier. When they use, they become someone I don’t know and don’t want to know.” The classic Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde leaves us simultaneously drawn and repulsed.

Promises get made and sometimes hearts get broken. We seek to guard against making the wrong choice relationally, while confronted with the reality that we cannot control the thing that scares us most (relapse or continued use). For all that we may choose, we must make ourselves our highest priority.

It’s All About You

Too many of us are poised on the edge of our seats, monitoring our loved one and holding our breaths. One of the most basic tenets of recovery is making our lives manageable. If you put your life on hold while you wait for the other shoe to drop, your stress will remain high and your overall health is likely to decline accordingly.

Suggestions:

• Accept that you are powerless over whether your loved one uses. You cannot cause them to drink/use, nor can you prevent it.
• The absence of the problem (a period of sobriety alone) will not make your fears go away.
• You needn’t face your fears alone, nor are you obligated to keep your partner’s addiction a secret. Your partner should be comfortable with your needs being met by entrusting loved ones to keep confidences.
• It’s completely appropriate to expect that your partner communicate their wants, needs, and feelings with you.
• Seek accountability from your partner and don’t hesitate to ask if they are clean/sober.
• Resolve above all else to take excellent care of yourself independent of what they choose to do.

Sometimes It’s Déjà Vu

I urge folks to consider whether what they’re experiencing in their romantic relationships feels familiar? We tend to gravitate toward the types of folks we grew up with. I often find that folks are looking to achieve outcomes with their partner that they could not achieve in their family of origin. For those who are Adult Children Of Alcoholics/Addicts (ACOA) I cannot urge you strongly enough to read up on the subject and consider how your past may be impacting your present.

Taking Their Inventory (Reading the Signs)

Everyone judges. It’s necessary for making healthy decisions. There’s no need to feel guilty about looking out for yourself. In making the choice to continue or advance your relationship, you could consider these objective concerns:

• Does your loved one clearly acknowledge that they are an addict or alcoholic? (There’s a world of difference between alluding to a “slight drinking problem” and stating, “I’m an alcoholic”).
• Does s/he identify a clearly defined plan that supports not using? Relapse prevention plans can come in countless different forms, but the absence of a plan is a form of denial.
• Does s/he have support systems that include people who understand addiction and are able to spot potential relapse red flags?
• Is your loved one open to suggestions from you regarding what you feel would be helpful?
• Do they maintain relationships with people they abused alcohol and/or drugs with?
• Does your loved one show accountability and management of their responsibilities?
• Do they manipulate to get what they want?
• Are they avoidant of conflict to the point of sacrifice or deception?
• Are they impulsive or seemingly incapable of regulating their mood and/or actions?

Listen to Your Gut

Please briefly consider your answers to the questions above. Then stop thinking. Folks in recovery learn early on that the longest distance in the world is from our head to our heart. It’s the same for we who love them. I urge folks to listen to their “gut feeling.” It saves a lot of energy and sets aside our tendency to doubt ourselves.

Please don’t agonize. Write it out and talk it out. As long as our struggles remain ours alone, we will continue to be uncomfortable and uncertain. Please don’t pressure yourself to make a decision. Take your time and set any boundary you need to with your partner regarding how and when you’ll move forward.

If you find that you simply can’t make a choice but wish to maintain status quo for a time, I urge you to record everything you can about what you hope for and fear. Then date it and put it in your sock drawer with a plan to revisit at a specific juncture. This gives you a means for comparison and a sense of where you’ve been and for how long. Above all, to thy own self be true.

Supporting recovery - you're probably unsure about what's helpful and appropriate. The list below may surprise you. Here's how you can help.

1. Take Care of You

It’s counterintuitive but it’s vital. By the time your loved one enters recovery you may find that you resent the time and energy you've spent on worrying and trying to convince him or her to stop. During those times it’s likely your self care suffered. Choosing to focus on self-improvement is not selfish, it is healthy and it lets you more fully support the important work your loved one is doing.

2. Get Help for Yourself

I can’t recommend groups like Al Anon and Nar Anon highly enough. To share with people who have very similar experiences helps you to feel understood and provides opportunities to gain insight and skills.

3. Take Stock of the Rest of Your Family

Who else has been affected? Who needs support? It’s likely that some distance has occurred in these relationships over time and for many of us, feeling ashamed of our loved one’s behavior keeps us apart. Reinvesting in friends and family is among your healthiest options.

4. Learn about the 12 Steps

Familiarize yourself with the program or other supports that your loved one is utilizing. The literature of AA and NA is especially good. Understanding the steps and program will demystify the process and provide you with a deeper understanding of addiction and recovery.

5. Be Patient

Time takes time. Do some journaling or free writing and consider what it is you expect from your loved one and how quickly you expect it to occur. There’s not a right and wrong here, it’s more the case that the more aware we are of our expectations, the more we can consider whether they are healthy. Involving other people in this process will help to reduce levels of stress, anticipation, and very possibly, disappointment.

6. Understand That Relapse Is often Part of Recovery

It may feel like a sinking sensation in your stomach. It may seem that all is lost...

Recovery is not an all or nothing proposition and we expect that folks may well go back to using. When this is the case, all we can do is ensure that we do not enable and remain available to our loved ones with a willingness to support their return to sobriety. 

7. Support Your Loved One’s Changing Priorities

If they say they need a meeting, then they need a meeting. If their whole world needs to stop for an hour then that is very likely a good idea. It’s not that you or other things are not important. It’s that without recovery, nothing else works.

8. Educate Yourself about Formal and Informal Recovery Resources

We tend to be unaware of them until we are in need. If you choose to be supportive of others who love an addict/alcoholic, you’ll find that they are initially overwhelmed and not sure where to turn. Sharing what you’ve learned will spare others a great deal of stress.

9. Become a Recovery Advocate

Consider becoming an advocate for needs relating to addiction and recovery in your town, county, and state. Sharing solutions with those in power creates opportunities that benefit all of us. If you stay connected to your loved one, you will come to understand some of the many systemic obstacles that make recovery all the more difficult.

10. Have Fun

No one gets sober to be miserable. Invest in living. Recovery for the addict and their loved ones is serious business. It’s important that we find ways to have fun and more fully love each other.

Does your mom or dad drink too much?

They might be alcoholics, and if they are, they have a disease which compels them to drink even though it harms them (and likely you) and without treatment, they are unlikely to stop.

There are an estimated 8 million alcoholics in the US, many millions more with alcohol abuse problems and tens of millions of children and teens growing up in households affected by alcohol.

If you think your mom or dad drinks too much, but you're not sure if they're an alcoholic or not, take this quick quiz, answer honestly, and find out.

Children of Alcoholics Screening Test (CAST)¹

• Have you ever thought that one of your parents had a drinking problem?
• Have you ever lost sleep because of a parent's drinking?
• Did you ever encourage one of your parents to quit drinking?
• Did you ever feel alone, scared, nervous, angry or frustrated because a parent was not able to stop drinking?
• Did you ever argue or fight was a parent when he or she was drinking?
• Did you ever threaten to run away from home because of a parent's drinking?
• Has a parent ever yelled at or hit you or other family members when drinking?
• Have you ever heard your parents fight when one of them was drunk?
• Did you ever protect another family member from a parent who was drinking?
• Did you ever feel like hiding or emptying a parent's bottle of liquor?
• Do many of your thoughts revolve around a problem drinking parent or difficulties that arise because of his or her drinking?
• Did you ever wish that a parent would stop drinking?
• Did you ever feel responsible for or guilty about a parent's drinking?
• Did you ever fear that your parents would get divorced due to alcohol misuse?
• Have you ever withdrawn from and avoided outside activities and friends because of embarrassment and shame over a parent's drinking problem?
• Did you ever feel caught in the middle of an argument or fight between a problem drinking parent and your other parent?
• Did you ever feel that you made a parent drink alcohol?
• Have you ever that a problem drinking parent did not really love you?
• Did you ever resent a parent's drinking?
• Have you ever worried about a parent's health because of his or her alcohol use?
• Have you ever been blamed for a parent's drinking?
• Did you ever think your father was an alcoholic?
• Did you ever wish you home could be more like the homes of your friends who did not have a parent with a drinking problem?
• Did a parent ever make promises to you that he or she did not keep because of drinking?
• Did you ever think your mother was an alcoholic?
• Did you ever wish that you could talk to someone who could understand and help the alcohol-related problems in your family?
• Did you ever fight with your brothers and sisters about a parent's drinking?
• Did you ever stay away from home to avoid the drinking parent or your other parent's reaction to the drinking?
• Have you ever felt sick, cried, or had a "knot" in your stomach after worrying about a parent's drinking?
• Did you ever take over any chores and duties at home that were usually done by a parent before he or she developed a drinking problem?

• 0-1 "yes" answers means that your parent is likely not an alcoholic.
• 2-5 "yes" answers means that your mom or dad might be an alcoholic
• 6 or more "yes" answers means that your mom or dad is probably an alcoholic.

This test, developed by two social workers, has been heavily tested and widely used - and found very accurate in the diagnosis of alcohol problems in the family.

If, after taking this test your score indicates that your mom or dad is an alcoholic:

1. Know that they have a disease
2. Know that it's OK to talk about it with anyone you trust
3. Know that you didn’t cause the problem, and even though you may feel that you "make them drink" they would drink no matter what you do.
4. Know that you cannot cure their disease, they must cure their disease.
5. Know that millions of teens grow up in homes with one or more alcoholic parents, and that teen support groups such as ALATEEN, can help.
6. Know that if one or more parents has a problem with alcohol, you run a risk of having a problem with alcohol – but that if you don’t drink, you will never experience any alcohol related difficulties. You will need to be careful!

There are no easy answers – no quick cures. A lot of teens feel shame over the actions of an alcoholic parent, and instead of talking about their feelings - getting some support - they cover-up for the behaviors of a drunk parent and strive always to maintain the "family secret".

You don’t have to get through this alone, and whether or not your mom or dad is ready to admit to a problem, you know there's a problem, your feelings are valid and important, and you need support too. Never keep it a secret; never keep it all inside. Talk to trusted friends, a trusted teacher or counselor, or to anyone else who you feel comfortable confiding in.

Talking it out helps and it can ensure that although you may grow up in tough circumstances, you grow up healthy and strong.

You have to let them face their natural consequences, but does that mean there's nothing you can do to help? Fortunately, you CAN support without enabling and your assistance today can make a big difference for their tomorrow.

Tough love dictates that we not enable our loved ones when they are active in addiction. Enabling is simple; whenever we protect our loved ones from the natural consequences of their actions, we are enabling. As much as we hope and pray that they will enter recovery, the challenge becomes; what can we do to be supportive while they continue to drink/use?

Boundaries Are the Key

First and foremost, be clear with your loved ones. Boundaries guard against manipulation and misunderstandings. Setting them is best accomplished by saying: here is what I’m willing to do and here is what I am not. We’re often uncomfortable expressing the limits of our willingness. With practice we come to appreciate the fact that they simplify our lives and reduce stress.

There’s a balance to be struck here:

1. We are free to set boundaries with those who are active
   
2. And we must respect the boundaries they set as well

If the addict or alcoholic is not willing to discuss sobriety or recovery then I strongly suggest not broaching the subject.

In our interactions with those who remain active we often feel pressured. We’re afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and that we’ll end up pushing them away. I encourage folks to be genuine. Never walk on eggshells, pull punches, or withhold your real feelings within the scope of agreed upon boundaries. Pretending that things are fine doesn’t make sense.

It’s a healthy boundary to refuse to spend time together when loved ones are under the influence. During times of sobriety we can provide support simply by continuing to make ourselves available. Give a consistent message that you care, that you’re willing to support healthy goals, and that you genuinely want to maintain communication and connection.

The Benefits of Accepting Powerlessness

Say the Serenity Prayer ten times a day. It promotes sanity and a healthy perspective. When we accept what we cannot do; we become free to focus our energies on what we can do. There’s a world of difference between being worried and being concerned. Our loved ones do not benefit from our being afraid for them.

Embrace the “Knots Prayer” and say it ten times a day. It’s not as though we can simply change how we feel, but we do have choices every day as to what we will focus our time and efforts on. Our efforts can benefit others impacted by addiction and can be placed toward productive ends, or we become resentful when we put our lives on hold waiting for others to get better. Go out and live.

Choose Where to Put Your Time & Energy

Focus on what you can do, not on what you can't.

Putting our lives on hold is something we quickly come to resent. Resentments become baggage that we carry and they create both obstacles and distance in any relationship.

It’s understandable that we can’t imagine just going about living our lives in the midst of such scary unknowns yet this is exactly what we must do. While we’re waiting for the phone to ring (from our loved ones, the hospital, the jail, or the institution) we have to engage in meaningful activity. We have to be productive and we have to maintain a sense of purpose.

So do something:

• If we can accept just for today that we don’t get to help our loved one(s) in the way we want to then we become free to help someone who is both deserving and willing to accept help. The world is full of people who are up to their ass in alligators.

I have had the honor of knowing extraordinary 'Affected Others' who created both formal and informal volunteer/charitable efforts. To be of service to others gives us outlets. It is meaningful and the ripple effects include benefits we can’t possibly imagine when we first get started. There is joy to be experienced and all it takes is a simple choice to focus on what we can do instead of hating ourselves for what we can’t.

• If your loved one has children – pick up the slack wherever and whenever possible. Go be a sane person in their lives and help ensure that their needs are met.
  
• If your loved one neglects a garden, pets, or anything else living and beautiful, go nurture it, sustain it, help it to grow.

Advocate

“"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." - Margaret Mead

Focus on what you can do in your community. What can you advocate for? Wish your loved one was in rehab? Do you know what the waiting list for rehabs in your area looks like? Are you aware of how decisions made in your state legislature impact the availability of services for those who genuinely want them? Would you like to see more meaningful responses to one of our greatest social problems (addiction)? Excellent! Take the advice my recovery friends offer – get out of the problem and into the solution. Each of us has the opportunity to impact systems at every level and when we organize, exponentially so.

Get What You Need

The support that we’re least likely to consider as benefiting those who remain active in addiction is getting help for ourselves. How healthy do you want to be when at last your loved ones reach out for help? How knowledgeable would you like to be about addiction? Instead of simply hating the disease, become educated about it.

Get involved in organizations like Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and CODA. In addition to fellowship and step work, these groups provide members with a greater understanding of addiction and how to be supportive of our loved ones. At our best, we become willing to receive support for ourselves and we become willing to invest in self care.

Image Copyright: Haylee Barsky