For the next 10 seconds, try not to think of a pink elephant…Impossible, right?! The fact is, the more you try to suppress an impulse to use drugs or alcohol the more fixated your mind becomes on that very impulse, and this is bad news for anyone serious about maintaining their sobriety. Fortunately, you don’t have to drink or use and you don’t have to fight or suppress your cravings, all you have to do is surf over them and they’ll disappear – using a proven mindfulness technique known as urge surfing.

Trying to ignore or suppress your cravings doesn’t work very well – the more you try not to think about having that drink or hit, invariable the more you do think about it!

So you don’t ignore them… you fight them, right?

Well, battling against your cravings doesn’t always work that well either. Sometimes your cravings are just too strong for you to fight, and you relapse. Other times you are able to resist your urges for a while, but you find yourself spending a lot of time and energy each day engaged in an internal back and forth debate about whether or not to give in to your cravings – it’s like by resisting your cravings you feed them with your mental energy and in response they grow stronger and occur with more frequency.

So, if fighting against the craving doesn’t always work either - what can you do?!

Try just going with your cravings using a mindfulness technique known as urge surfing and you might find that though you still experience cravings, they no longer have the power over you they once did and you can literally glide over and down a craving as naturally as if you were surfing a wave on the ocean.

Urge Surfing

As the intensity of a craving builds it feels like it is going to keep on getting worse and if you don’t give in to it, it will last forever. In actual fact, if you can just wait it out it will peak in intensity after a few minutes and then gradually subside into nothingness; just as a wave crests and falls. Cravings very rarely last for longer than half an hour and are generally briefer in duration.¹

The trick is to forget fighting or suppressing cravings but instead to learn a technique that asks you to experience a craving fully so that you rob that craving of its power over you.

Mindfulness

Urge surfing is a relapse prevention technique based on the principles of mindfulness meditation. By paying great attention to what a craving actually feels like, by maintaining awareness on the craving on a second by second basis and by avoiding passing value judgments about what you are experiencing (this is good, this is terrible, this will never end etc.) you learn to ride over waves of cravings and you rob these cravings of much of their power.

To get started with urge surfing try these three steps:

1. When you feel a craving coming on, sit down in a  comfortable chair (ideally in a place where you won’t be disturbed), put your feet flat on the floor and take a few deep breaths to relax yourself. Close your eyes and look inward into your body. Try to feel where in your body you experience sensations of cravings and describe to yourself what these cravings feel like in different parts of your body (for example "I feel a tightness in my legs and my stomach is kind of jumpy…").
   
2. Pick one area in your body that seems most affected by sensations of craving and focus deeply on these sensations as they pass by. To keep your mind from wandering, describe the sensations you experience in your chosen part of the body as they arise (for example "my arm is kind of itchy, now it’s almost like a pins-and-needles sensation just below my elbow in my inner arm…It feels warm too now…")
   
3. Next move to another affected part of the body and repeat the focused attention there, and then repeat with another part of the body. After a while, you will notice that the craving will have passed by.²
   

By learning a new way to experience cravings you learn a valuable skill in overcoming them, and as you learn to experience your cravings in a mindful way, without judging and without giving in, you will find that in time the frequency and intensity with which you experience them will diminish.

Image Copyright: DavidRphoto

Relapse is common in recovery. But with perseverance, support, and a willingness to learn, every relapse can be an opportunity for growth and progress. Keep getting back up and moving forward towards a better life.

Recovery is a unique experience with countless benefits and pitfalls. Relapse is part of recovery and yet somehow when folks temporarily go back to drinking/using, they react as though they have not only lost everything; they’ve lost it once and for all. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Getting Back Up After Relapse

If you screw up something important at work or at home, you don’t throw your hands up in the air and say something like, “Well that’s it then. I just can’t do this and I never will.” Nope. You get back up and try again. You seek out people who know more than you and learn from them. You figure out what went wrong and how to fix it.

Of course, in recovery, “It” is you, your life and your program. You’re not a problem to be solved. You’re a person worth investing in. Not only do you get to make that investment every day; you also allow others to benefit by serving you. This seems counterintuitive but it’s an honored truth in programs like AA and NA. The only way we keep it is to give it away.

What’s Different This Time?

What I see as an addictions counselor is that when folks relapse their shame comes back tenfold. They project their feelings on to others. They speak of having let everyone down when in most cases they have only harmed themselves. Withdrawing from supportive others follows because judgment is our expectation. This leaves us isolated and at greater risk.

One of the most amazing things I’ve seen at an AA meeting is when someone picks up a white chip symbolizing day one of Recovery. Those in attendance clap. They applaud the person’s resilience and they’re happy because the disease didn’t win. This is the proverbial phoenix rising from the ashes.

Folks say to me all the time, “I just need to get back to where I was.” To which I ask, “Isn’t that where you were just before you decided to do some drugs?” Why would anyone want to go back to such a precarious place? Let’s go somewhere better, somewhere safer. Let’s get to a place that helps you to have greater faith in yourself, in your program, and in a Higher Power.

With each relapse it can get easier or harder to restart your program. As with everything else in life, it’s all in how you look at it.

Cumulative Recovery

When we use we don’t lose the gains we’ve made. We don’t forget what we learned or take back the pain we let go of.

One of the greatest success stories I’ve had the honor of serving developed a way of seeing his past attempts at sobriety as having value and of constituting a “Cumulative Recovery.”

In the past he experienced every period of sobriety ending in relapse and therefore saw them as failures. Today he knows that failure only occurs when we stop trying.

Now he understands that every past period of sobriety was a success. Today his goal is to put together not only the pieces of himself but also the valuable lessons piecemealed through his years in and out of recovery. He’s come to see in retrospect that there were always conditions and stipulations on his recovery. Now he truly understands the meaning of doing “whatever it takes.”

We’re slow learners in the school of hard knocks. He said to me, “I could never do step one right because I was always thinking about how bad step four was going to be.” This is addictive thinking and it doesn’t go away on its own, no matter how long we stay clean/sober. Looking ahead, anticipating, writing scripts (predictions of how the future will unfold), worrying, all of these undermined his ability to be in the here and now.

He’s one more of the long term addicts I know who saw himself as a “chronic relapser.” I hate that term not only because it envisions past efforts as failures but also because it predicts failure in the future. Everyone has lines they fear crossing. Some of us have plateaus we believe we can’t go past.

Milestones & Plateaus

Six months sober is a common time for relapse. I’ve always believed this is about as far as most people can “white knuckle it.”

Even when we’re working recovery alone, we unthaw, we experience some healing and we start to perceive things more accurately. The good thing about being sober is we feel more and the bad thing about being sober is we feel more. We most often go back to drinking and drugging to avoid our emotions.

1. 'Keeping It Simple' we recognize that we need strategies to cope and people to support us. Otherwise we go back to what we know.

2. When we’re sufficiently lost and overwhelmed we feel a burning desire for control. The easiest way to take control is to shoot ourselves in the foot. Self destruction is familiar and we do it very well. We know how to restart at day one and get back into our comfort zones.

Being comfortable is being complacent and no addict or alcoholic can afford this. It’s simple – we’re either continuing to grow, heal, and learn or we’re regressing. Comfort zones are made of stretchy material. We need to continue expanding and incorporating healthy relationships and experiences. Being stagnant means we quickly get lost in our own heads and start clinging to illusions.

Attitude Is Everything

Control is an addict & alcoholic's number one character defect. If we’re not trying to control everything we feel like we’re out of control. The key to self control is in step one of Alcoholics Anonymous:

Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

If we are to have recovery & long term sobriety then we must learn how to live a manageable life. The keys to manageability are accountability, responsibility, acceptance of what is, and reaching out for help.

Recovery has been defined as “awareness of the attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors that block change.” These are the things we have control over. We choose to be aware or unaware.

A Better Life Awaits After a Relapse

We can choose what attitude to have. We must reconcile our beliefs with our behaviors and be accountable to others, not only to stay sober but to have a better life.

Image Copyright: Pol Sifter

Relapse after long term sobriety: embarrassment is normal but shame and embarrassment can kill you if they keep you from getting the help you need. Learn what to do after relapse, no matter how many years of sobriety you have behind you.

Confidence without Complacency

For most of us, the longer we stay sober, the more confident we become that the possibility of relapse is behind us. The wisest of old timers in programs like AA advise vigilance against complacency. Addiction is life-long and never completely dormant. When we deny it our drug of choice seeks new ways to undermine us. Even with long term recovery, elements of addiction can return in the forms of addictive thinking, addiction impulsiveness, unhealthy perception and poor emotional regulation.

All it takes to relapse is a lack of maintenance or increased hardship.

We stop doing the things that promoted sobriety and fostered continued growth. We get caught up, stressed out, and begin to isolate ourselves from those who hold us accountable - maybe you find yourself staring into a beer cooler or driving through areas you know you need to avoid. Ignoring the warning signs leads unavoidably back to destruction.

Returning to Insanity

The choice to relapse means coming out of remission. Many of us were lulled into the false belief that after so many years we can control the thing that controlled us.

1. We generally find that the disease returns with a vengeance.
   
2. The first drink/drug most often leads to unprecedented destruction, making our efforts to return to sanity/sobriety all the more difficult.

In moments of lucidity, we're overwhelmed with the sickest form of déjà vu. This is all too familiar. We can't believe it happened. Shock and dismay most often lead to further use because everything seems confusing and we fear that all is lost.

Recovery without Ego

Shame and embarrassment kill, but if we go back to meetings or to other folks who helped us get sober and admit to relapse we feel like we've disappointed everyone.

• We ensure a downward spiral when we hide our suffering. Our disgrace becomes a barrier to getting sober and restarting our recovery.

As the disease of addiction progresses, a horrible reality ensues: It gets harder and harder to differentiate our ego from our disease. Addiction thrives in strife and internal conflict. I urge those who have relapsed to spend absolutely no time thinking. Run, do not walk to those who want to help you return to the solution.

Going Home

It's easy to forget that we didn't judge others who relapsed. It's easy to forget that people don't stop caring about us just because we used. Addiction makes for a fickle memory.

If you've ever seen someone pick up a white chip at an AA or NA meeting, you've witnessed a healthy perspective on relapse. The contrast is stunning - a person who wants to crawl out of their skin is applauded by those filled with joy that we're back and that the disease didn't claim our lives.

What We've Lost

It's only our ego that's attached to the time we had sober. Addiction is lifelong and recovery is twenty four hours at a time. If we have new wreckage in our lives due to relapse we have all the more reason to maintain a healthy perspective. Not everyone gets to come back. Go see your doctor immediately and deal with everything else slowly.

Don't Call It a "Slip"

The cornerstones of recovery are accountability and responsibility. To say that we've "had a slip" is a minimization that puts one in peril all over again. It's also a conversation-ender instead of a solicitation of support.

We can't afford to get caught up in why we drank. Better to identify what we need to promote relapse prevention. Sponsorship, use of contacts, and being accountable to those who understand addiction improves our chances more than any other approach.

Moving Forward & Lessons Learned

Sometimes life gets unmanageable.

Regardless of how good our recovery is, there are times when life simply brings us to our knees. We experience losses (grief relapse), unexpected challenges, or tragedies that we are powerless to prevent or control. We may feel we're "moving backwards" when in fact we're hitting a low point in sobriety. As painful as these times are, maintaining a healthy perspective is vital. These times underscore the adage, "I wouldn't trade my worst day sober for my best day drinking." Under the influence, life isn't manageable and is almost always built on illusions.

Remember, suffering is the touchstone to spiritual growth. For all that we have lost, there is always more to gain. Relapse can create a new-found willingness to make connections, take on new challenges, and to be of service to others. Taking these steps ensures that our suffering comes to have meaning.

Getting into a daily exercise habit reduces your odds of addiction relapse – so what’s stopping you? Here are the 7 most common exercise excuses – all refuted!

Exercise won’t solve all your problems, but there aren’t many it won’t ease. If you are in early recovery, forming new habits like daily exercising reduces your odds of early relapse. Exercise can help you get and stay clean/sober and improve you physical and mental health. So if you’re not already exercising as much as you should – what are you waiting for?!

Well, if you don’t exercise like you should, the odds are good that you use one or more of the following 7 excuses/obstacles as justification for not getting up off the couch.

Fortunately, your justifications probably aren’t accurate. In reality, there’s likely little stopping you from enjoying better health and wellness - and great protection from relapse. Read on for easy solutions to 7 common excuses for insufficient daily activity.¹

Solved! - Seven Common Exercise Obstacles...

I'm too Busy - I Have No Time for Exercise

What with going to recovery meetings and treatment sessions, working for a living and rebuilding an entire life, who has time for frivolous exercise?

Answer – it’s important so you make time.

• Even 10 minutes of brisk exercise can boost your mood. Try a quick walk or jog before breakfast.
• If you have time to watch TV in the evening you can probably spare a bit of that time to exercise.
• Try to incorporate exercise into your daily routine, so it doesn’t take much extra time. For example, if you take the bus to work, get off a couple of stops early and walk the last stretch in. It won’t take very much extra time and it can get you to work in a good mood. Or, when you park to do your grocery shopping, drive intentionally to the farthest end of the loT.

I Hate Sports

Just because you got sober doesn’t mean you turned into some super jock all of a sudden…why should you start now with something you hate?

Answer – If you look, you’ll find something you enjoy, or at least don’t mind overly.

• Physical activity doesn’t require a gym membership, spandex or participation on a sports team. If memories of school gym class gives you nightmares, remember that anything that gets your heart rate up for a sustained period counts as exercise.
• Try using part of your commute as an opportunity for extra walking or cycling.

I'm Embarrassed

You struggle with shyness and anxiety and the idea of going to the gym or out jogging in sports clothes fills you with dread.

Answer - Whether you’re self conscious about your body or about the way you look when exercising, embarrassment should never keep you from enjoying all the serious benefits of regular exercise. If you feel shy about getting active, remember:

• Most people aren’t paying as much attention to you as you think they are.
• You don’t have to go beyond your comfort level – you can start with a brisk walk around the park.

I Have Physical Limitations (Pain, Disability, etc.)

Exercise might be fun for some people, but when you live with chronic pain or disability, exercise just sounds like extra pain.

Answer - Though physical limitations may prevent your participation in some types of activities, they probably don’t preclude your participation in all types:

• Talk to your doctor about what types of physical exercise are appropriate for you.
• Consider water-based activities – these can be gentle and very beneficial.

Remember, that in addition to boosting physiological health, exercise and increased muscle tone and flexibility almost always reduce pain and disability.

I Have to Take Care of Family Members

Sure you’d love to go for a leisurely hike or ride along the river, but when you’re responsible for children or elderly relatives it’s like you’re shackled to the house.

Answers:

• Talk to other members of your family to ask for support. Exercise is important and you need to find some time for it.
• If you can’t get out on your own, consider exercising with those in your charge – from the youngest child to the most elderly senior, most people love to get out and see the world.

I'm too Tired

To avoid relapse, you’re not supposed to get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired, right (H.A.L.T)?

Answers: Though it can be tough to get up and get started, remind yourself that exercise actually increases energy levels. You will feel more energetic after exercising than you do before it.

• Try to exercise at a time of day when you’re most energetic.
• If you have trouble getting started and it seems like too much, just tell yourself that you’ll only do a small amount. For example, you’ll only walk for a quarter mile. In most cases, once past the inertia preventing you from getting started, you’ll feel fine and continue on with your full routine…it’s just a matter of getting up and getting started!

I Just Hate Exercise

Isn’t life in recovery supposed to be better? How come I have to do things I hate now?

Answers:

• There are so many ways to get active, you can’t hate all of them. Make an effort to try out some new activities – go sailing, go skateboarding, go horseback riding!
• Combine exercising with getting out into nature or into a pleasant environment that you enjoy.
• Remember that though exercise can seem unpleasant at first, before you get used to it, most people come to really enjoy physical activity.

Force Yourself... Later You’ll Enjoy It!

In truth, if you really hate physical activity, then it might take you a while to enjoy exercise (though you’ll enjoy the benefits of exercise right away). Not to worry though, keep at it and you’ll find that it gets easier and more enjoyable in time, and after a month or two (or three) of regular activity, you’ll have developed a habit that can keep you healthy and happy for a lifetime.²

In early recovery, we're easily left with a sense of loss when we romanticize euphoric experiences we had with our drug of choice (and overlook the costs). Are you looking through the wrong end of the telescope?

Romanticizing in early recovery is the process by which our disease engages our selective memory. We recall the euphoric experiences we had with our drug of choice and overlook the costs. This perspective leaves us with a sense of loss. We despair that nothing will ever make us feel as good clean and sober. Everything else seems boring by comparison.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

The good thing about being clean and sober is that we feel more and the bad thing about being clean and sober is that we feel more. 

In recovery it’s often referred to as “thawing out”. Everything that drugs temporarily took away comes back to us. It’s overwhelming and the cravings and desire to numb our emotions are intense at times. Being grounded in the reality of the here and now keeps us from returning to the quick fix of using.

With growth and clean time we achieve greater clarity. We reconcile that while it’s true that nothing can be as instantly gratifying as our drug of choice was, it is also true that nothing was/ is more destructive to us than our disease. We’re left with a yearning to feel good and uncertainty as to how good life can be clean and sober.

Long Term Gratification

We are not patient people. We’re told that time takes time. This seems an easy expression to dismiss. The healthier perspective is that “T.I.M.E. takes time”.

• This I Must Earn (Steps 1-3)
• This I Must Endure (Steps 4-9)
• This I May Enjoy (Steps 10-12)

We earned our seat in the halls of AA and NA, fortunate to have survived this far. We endure and experience ongoing benefits from the processes of holistic growth and healing. We reap the rewards of our investments in gaining a life second to none.

While we may never again experience the fleeting euphoria of drugs, we become free to experience more sustainable highs: joy, love, and fulfilment amongst them. We develop self-respect and a healthy pride in ourselves. Life is no longer the roller coaster of highs and lows, it’s manageable and healthy. 

Learning How to Have Fun Sober

We didn’t get sober to be miserable, somber, or bored. Folks in recovery are fun, spontaneous, and expressive. In any given meeting there will be at least a handful of folks who are laughing and seem almost unrealistically happy. Seek these folks out. Not only have they got what we want in their program; they’ve also learned not to take themselves too seriously.

Fun is important stuff. It provides release and reduces both stress and social anxiety. It gives us things to look forward to in the midst of hard work and change. It socializes us and helps fulfil a vital need for friendship.

Life Changes

One of the most counterintuitive statements we hear in recovery: “I wouldn’t trade my worst day clean for my best day using.” In retrospect we see that we were only ever surviving. We come to see that authenticity and living life on life’s terms is vastly more satisfying and sustainable. Living without regrets, guilt, and shame affords us a freedom to explore and live more fully.

If we’re working recovery earnestly, there are a series of epiphanies that come to us:

• "I can remember the good time I had yesterday!"
• "This is really… real (and it’s good)!"
• "I can do things clean and sober that I only ever did under the influence."
• "Now that I don’t have to buy drugs, I have money to travel and do things I only ever talked about doing when I used."

Surrendered to Win

In the long run, spiritual growth becomes the healthy high we pursue. Having faith in a power greater than ourselves does not ensure that things will always be good. It ensures that everything will be okay and it provides an abundance of opportunities to make our lives progressively better. Just as we “came to believe”, we come to receive: grace, guidance, and connection.

After a few months, it’s easy to hit a recovery wall and start to feel bored and dissatisfied with your new clean and sober lifestyle. This dissatisfaction will pass, but until it does, you can lower your risk of relapse by taking some time to plan islands of excitement to look forward to.

For a few reasons, after the initial euphoria of recovery success wears off, your new drug and alcohol free life can start to feel a little blah: Where’s the excitement? What’s to look forward to? ...Why does everything seem so boring!?

This is a normal and transient phase of recovery that tends to settle in for a while after a few months of abstinence. It won’t last forever, but unless you’re prepared to deal with them - the blahs can easily lead to relapse.

Reasons behind feeling the recovery blahs after a couple of months of abstinence:

1. Your brain is still recovering (healing) from your drug or alcohol over-use and this makes it harder for you to experience strong positive emotions

2. A lot of people run into something that’s known as ‘the wall’ between 2 and 4 months into recovery, as the early glow of success fades and the harsher business of reality settles in

3. Your recovery life probably isn’t as "exciting" as your using or drinking life. Nine times out of ten, this is a very good thing (because most substance abuse excitement is the kind you really don’t want) but nevertheless, you’ll still miss those regular moments of genuine ‘fun’ excitement that using or drinking provided

So what do you do?

You didn’t stop using to live a less fulfilling life, so when the blahs hit, the only thing to do is to expend a little effort creating the life you’ve always wanted… by creating your own HEALTHY EXCITEMENT.

Creating Islands of Excitement

No one needs non-stop action, but we all need things to look forward to – things that make all the tough and mundane moments worthwhile.

• We need to look forward to small moments of fun or excitement on a very regular basis
• We need to have bigger things to look forward to for every once in a while

What’s the answer?

It’s not exactly rocket science… You just make sure to schedule in things to look forward to – islands of fun and excitement to swim toward from the sea of everyday living!

Examples of Recovery Excitement Islands (Both Big and Small)

• Going away for a weekend with friends or family members
• Going out to try a new nice restaurant (using the money you used to spend on alcohol or drugs!)
• Going to a matinee movie
• Going for coffee with an old friend
• Going to a ball game or a play
• Getting a massage or spa treatment
• Taking the day off work
• Going camping
• A million and one other possible examples!

Scheduling Islands of Excitement

Is recovery life all you’d hoped it would be? Do you ever feel bored and miss the excitement of your past life?

Well if so, and even if you don’t, yet, you’d be wise to spend a little effort on the scheduling of events that give you something to look forward to, stave off boredom and to improve your quality of life.

Get started now! Make a list of your own personal excitement islands – anything that you’d look forward to with anticipation and then try to schedule at least a couple small events into your week and at least one larger event into the next month or so.

During early recovery we often find ourselves raw. But you can't heal what you can't feel. There are no quick fixes. Learn how to let it go.

I've shared with lots of folks in early recovery the adage, "The good thing about being sober is that you feel more ...and the bad thing about being sober is that you feel more."

We numbed ourselves so much for so long. In early recovery (and at other points in our journey when stress and fears run high) we find ourselves emotionally raw. Experiencing the highs and lows of our emotions can be completely overwhelming. Whether you're on a "pink cloud" or in a dark place, the good news is that this too shall pass.

Add This to Your Toolbox:

H.A.L.T.

It stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired.

H.A.L.T. works both as a preventative measure and a diagnostic tool. Recovery wisdom dictates that we must not allow ourselves to accrue too much of these and that when we find ourselves overwhelmed we can ask which of these we are. It's simple and effective. It's also something our emotions can throw a wrench into.

• We come to see that what we hunger for is much more than just food.
• We realize that anger never travels alone and that there is always at least one other emotion present (Hint: It's usually one that requires vulnerability to express and anger masks it).
  
• We know that even in the company of good people we can be lonely when we shut down or deny ourselves opportunities to connect.
• Tired is perhaps the hardest one. It's more than fatigue, it's being drained physically, emotionally, mentally, and/or spiritually. It's an emptiness that demands to be filled and a spirit that must be replenished.
  

We urge folks to consider what sustains them and to consider that growing spiritually is the key to manageability.

Identifying and Coping

Most of us in early recovery are immature emotionally. We may be very good at managing external things, yet struggle to regulate our internal experiences (emotions, thoughts, memories). We often feel "squirrelly" or "antsy."

Anxiety is extremely common in recovery. We struggle to feel safe inside our own skin. Many of us experience social anxiety, obsessions, compulsions, and occasional bouts of panic. Sobriety forces us to be acutely aware of the very things we've been running and hiding from.

Identifying and coping are key. I recommend to those I serve that they check in with themselves frequently. This is as simple as asking...

• "what am I doing?" and
• "how am I doing?"
  

If we are completely honest with ourselves, we can then ask, "What would I recommend to a friend in my shoes?"

Reaching out, using healthy self talk, journaling, prayer and meditation are foundational to our stability.

"I Let It Go"

This expression most often means that we're ignoring it and trying our best to pretend we're not messed up about it. Acceptance and forgiveness hinge upon releasing our resentments.

Again, there is no way to let go of pain in a way that doesn't hurt. There's no way to face fear without being afraid and there's no way to release anger without getting angry. You have to feel it to let it go. The most frustrating aspect of this is that letting it go is rarely a one time event. It took us years to get here and there are no quick fixes.

"I Gave It to God"

In order to "turn it over" we must first be willing to let it go (see above). I respect what any person's faith dictates. My Pentecostal friends have an expression that, "God is a gentleman." To me this means that our Higher Power won't force a course of action that impinges upon our free will. Surrender is equal parts desperation and willingness. In addition to experiencing and expressing our emotions, turning things over to our Higher Power requires acceptance of powerless and acknowledging that only with grace will we achieve our goals.

When we ask our Higher Power to remove things like past pain or character defects, we receive the needed assistance. This most often comes in the form of people placed in our paths to guide us through the next part of the journey. There does not seem to be any instant gratification. Transformation is a process.

How to be happy right now. We don't find what we're not looking for. In the midst of striving for a better life we often lose sight of all we have to be grateful for.

You’ll only hear it from the saltiest of old timers. It’s the most important part of happiness in recovery. It’s 'Rule #62': “Don’t take yourself so damned seriously.”

Happiness is not a right. The pursuit of happiness is. We’re not entitled to anything. We get to choose what we most want and work hard for it.

Remember K.I.S.S.:

• Here's another benefit to using the Keep It Simple System (K.I.S.S.): instead of whining that we just want to be happy, we can consider what it is we need in order to be happy.

In recovery, here's what we know:

• We know to eschew the material things.
  
• We know that, “all we ever wanted was just a little more than we ever had.”
  
• We know that if life was truly fair that most of us would have died long before now.
  

We need a healthy concept of what happiness really is.

The Mythology of Happiness

If we haven’t spent much of our lives being happy, we tend you think of it in “ever after” terms. Happiness in this light is a destination we arrive and stay at. No one attains this because it doesn’t exist.

Happiness is more a state of being than it is an emotion. Gratitude and attitude are the keys. How lovely and disturbing to find that they’re both in our control. Here it comes – another opportunity to get out of our own way.

Using K.I.S.S. we remove obstacles to happiness:

"I Just Wish…"

“I just wish…” is a “poor me.” It’s self pity and it belongs nowhere in our lives. Pining for what we want leads to the ongoing lie of “I’ll be happy when…” This is the ever moving target of what our heart most recently desires. Whether we get it or not, we’re always going to want the next thing:

I just wish:

• I could stay sober
• I could get a job
• I could get a decent place to live
• I could have friends
• I could find someone and fall in love
• And on, and on, and on…

The Ain't It Awful Game

Every once in a while I joke that I’m going to start a group therapy program for people who want to wallow in self pity. Group wallowing starts with one person whining about their troubles, only to have someone else explain why their worries are so much worse. We one up each other about the hopelessness and despair. Why anyone would want to win this game is beyond me. Congratulations, you’re more screwed than the rest of us. We justify our way into being so overwhelmed that we have no accountability and no opportunities for change.

Keep Your Head Where Your Body Is at

As crude as it is, I’ve always been fond of the expression, “I had one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow and I was pis***g all over today.” When we’re most unhappy, we’re living in the regrets of the past or the fears of tomorrow. Meanwhile, we’re not grounded in the possibilities of today.

Happiness requires a healthy perspective. We achieve this when we ask ourselves: what do I have control over and what don’t I? What’s mine to manage and what have I taken on that doesn’t belong to me.

Choosing Happiness

Writing a gratitude list is a great start. It increases mindfulness and appreciation for all that we have. If we’re open to it, we receive reminders of all we take for granted. Meetings are good for this, but so is being aware of where your neighbors and community are at in their journeys.

My work with homeless individuals keeps me mindful that all of my basic needs are met. As I aspire to having, doing, and being more, I easily lose sight of how blessed I am.

Grounded in our Priorities

The more our thoughts, choices, and actions reflect our priorities, the happier we are. Being focused on attaining goals yields greater self respect and a sense of accomplishment. The dirty little secret of happiness is that it involves 'Hard Work'. If we’re completely honest with ourselves, we see that we don’t just want happiness – we want it to come easily.

Growing Spiritually

I find that I have two choices in life. I can grow spiritually or I can suffer. Being complacent in my relationship with my Higher Power simply doesn’t work. When I surrender what I think I want; I consistently find that what my HP wants for me is far greater than what I think I want.

The problem with doing things my HP’s way is that it always involves me going two steps outside of my comfort zone. I’ve never regretted doing this, yet somehow I manage to resist each next step in the journey. Surrendering my will is a daily occurrence because the God of my understanding wants me to be far more than happy. My HP wants me to have Joy.

Guaranteed Happiness

Whenever we find ourselves stuck, we’re free to go back to the things that always work. The world is full of people who are up to their ass in alligators. When we are of service to others we make an investment in them and in ourselves. The only way to keep it is to give it away.

Image Copyright: Thomas Hawk

Exploring ideas for life-change, where domestic abuse complicates addiction recovery and addiction makes it harder to break free from abuse.

Ask any police officer about their least favorite calls and they're likely to list domestic disturbances and dealing with people under the influence of drugs and alcohol. Put these two together and it becomes something most professionals would prefer to avoid; it's messy, unpredictable, and the probability of a successful resolution is slim.

Law enforcement has come a long way in recent years in responding to survivors of domestic violence with empathy and respect. Most other professions and the general public continue to lag in understanding and support. Both survivors of abuse and addicts/alcoholics face debilitating stigma in our society and those who live with both often find themselves facing well intended but horribly misguided questions:

• "Why don't you just leave?"
• "Why don't you just stop drinking/using?"

It's never that simple. In both cases:

1. We need to identify the obstacles that must be overcome
2. We must acknowledge that leaving and withdrawing are generally the most dangerous times

We must also acknowledge that providing resources without judgment ensures far better outcomes.

Two Situations: Many Similarities

Abusers and the disease of addiction manipulate with the common goal of taking control away from the individual.

• Both use seduction with euphoric moments and ultimately empty promises.
• Both instill fear, guilt, and shame.
• Each seeks to isolate us and make us dependent.
• Each has the ability to make us feel amazing and terrible in a very short amount of time.

Addiction most often masks deeper pain. Perpetrators of domestic violence prey upon those deeper wounds while inflicting new ones. Abusive and controlling individuals often encourage or even require alcohol and drug use as it makes us less credible and more malleable. Just as abusers alternately give and withhold love, they may do the same with substances. There is generally a sporadic element to the otherwise relentless patterns. It’s used to keep the survivor off balance.

Research has given us multiple conceptualizations of the cycle of domestic violence. One of the most widely used dictates four stages:

1. Tension building (anticipation and fear)
2. Incident (abuser taking control and doing harm)
3. Reconciliation (deception)
4. Calm

These words are sterile and do little to convey the survivor’s experience, yet there is an interesting and terrible parallel to the stages of drug and alcohol use:

1. Craving (anticipation)
2. Seeking (deception - rationalization, justification)
3. Using (substance taking control and doing harm)
4. Calm

Systemic Obstacles

When we seek to overcome both of these cycles simultaneously, we find ourselves not only overwhelmed, but also facing many systemic obstacles.

• Homeless shelters and programs for those seeking to escape abusive relationships generally are not equipped to support a person in overcoming addictions.
• Residential treatment for addiction may well be the best option, but affording treatment and finding an available placement when needed can be insurmountable obstacles.

The most basic and important need of every human being is safety. Getting away from the abuser removes the external force that would/does undermine any progress made in overcoming addiction. The need for support in these pursuits cannot be overstated. No one does this alone.

Two ideas for getting to safety are:

1. Making use of personal resources.
2. Manipulating systems to get what you need.

Tapping Personal Resources

Shame and guilt can prevent us from reaching out to loved ones we’ve become estranged from. I encourage folks to put their hearts aside just long enough to identify who would want to help. Many of us are shocked to find that old friends and family are overjoyed to reconnect and eager to support our efforts.

We fear being an imposition or burden. I encourage folks to consider what they would be willing to do for someone they loved in similar straits. They immediately express a willingness to do whatever it takes to help. Unfortunately, our expectations of the support others should give is intimately connected to our self worth.

I urge folks to keep at the forefront of their thoughts that their self perception has been deliberately skewed. I remind them that all people have a right to safety and good health. Wrestling with self doubt and considerations of what we deserve will only leave us stuck in unhealthy places.

Manipulating Systems

When there’s nobody to support us...

When we’re alone we tend to get in our own way. Fear and urgent needs limit our perspective. We tend to view our choices and options as all or nothing propositions. We feel compelled to tell either all of our story or none at all. We lose sight of our right to privacy and even our right to determine what’s in our own best interests.

There are times when the ends do indeed justify the means. I encourage folks to manipulate systems when the system cannot or will not respond in a helpful manner.

• If disclosing substance abuse or addiction would prevent you from entry to a program that will help you leave an abusive partner, don’t report it.
  
• If you fear Child Protective Services would be notified by a disclosing some aspect of your past abuse, don’t speak it.
  
• Seek out advocates and people who not only know the system but also how to play it.
• If you are able to access multiple systems to get your needs met, by all means do so.
• If you do not give signed consent for release of information, then the systems that serve you cannot communicate with each other.
• If you are able to attain residential treatment that helps you break free of only one pattern, then seek outpatient care for the other.

The best resources and most supportive responses I’ve seen consistently come from the very good men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. As difficult as it may seem to imagine sharing your needs with strangers, please know that these folks more so than most understand both patterns and will guide you in becoming “happy, joyous, and free.”

Why consider long-term addiction recovery over the standard 30 day rehab? Learn about successful recovery options and how to increase your treatment duration.

Addiction is a complicated disease. Because it is so complicated, the addicted person needs more than 30 days in rehab to recover.

If you or someone you love is suffering with an addiction, you should consider choosing a longer treatment than the standard short-term rehab stay. In this article I explain some key aspects of long-term addiction recovery, why treatment needs to be longer and how to increase the length of treatment.

Co-Occurring Disorders

Many people who are addicted have a co-occurring disorder. A co-occurring disorder means the person has a mental health disorder in addition to an addiction.

For some addicted people, the addiction begins as a way to cope with the underlying mental health disorder. The person may have a mental health disorder that was never treated properly. Over time, that person may have turned to an addiction to self-medicate their mental health problem.

For other addicted people, the addiction itself led to a mental health disorder. The struggle of living every day life as an addict can cause mental health disorders like depression or anxiety to develop.

Mental Health Challenges During Active Addiction

• Addicted people face hardships every day that most people never have to deal with. They are also faced with the stigma of addiction. People are constantly telling them how horrible they are for being addicted.
• The cost of the drugs they need every day to survive makes it difficult for them to meet other needs. Things like food and shelter become secondary to their drug use. Most addicts end up living each day just trying to survive. The stress from the constant struggle to survive can cause them to experience mental health disorders.
• Many addicts become involved in criminal activity, which can lead to a betrayal of their value system. The disconnect between what they believe is right and what they are doing can lead to mental health disorders.

On top of all this, many addicts experience repeated traumas while in active addiction.

• Many addicts resort to exotic dancing or prostitution to obtain money for drugs. People who work in the sex trade are often the victim of rapes, assaults and even attempted murder. This can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder and other mental health disorders.
• Overdose is another traumatic event that touches the lives of many addicts. If the addicted person hasn’t overdosed themselves at least once, they most likely have friends who have overdosed or even died from their addiction.

Because of the many issues they face in active addiction, it is actually rare that an addicted person doesn’t have a co-occurring disorder. And the co-occurring disorders they have are often serious disorders. Disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder, major depressive disorder and panic disorder are common.

For the best treatment outcomes, these disorders need to be treated at the same time as the addiction. We wouldn’t expect someone with post-traumatic stress disorder to be treated in as little as 30 days. Yet it is common for stays in rehab to be 30 days or even less.

(Re-)Education in Long-Term Addiction Recovery

There is a lot of information that an addicted person needs to learn in recovery. It’s really too much information for a person to process in only 30 days.

It’s important for the addicted person to gain an understanding of how their lives have been affected by their drug use. They need to learn how their body and mind have been affected. Addiction does a lot of damage to the addicted person.

For a successful long-term addiction recovery, an addicted person has to learn and understand what they need to fix in their lives and how they can fix it. Without a plan for how to go about this, it would be easy for the person to become overwhelmed and relapse instead of dealing with it.

By the time many addicts enter treatment, they have been told countless times that they are horrible people. Learning about the disease concept of addiction removes the stigma of addiction they have dealt with. This is important for undoing the damage to their self-esteem.

Relapse prevention is another important aspect of treatment. They need to learn what their triggers are and how to manage cravings. Without this knowledge, they could be blindsided by cravings years into recovery. If they don’t understand what is happening, they are likely to relapse.

Building a Support System

Support is one of the most important parts of successful recovery. Addicts need to build a solid support system. Building support takes time. It can’t be done in 30 days. Besides, people often go to rehabs far from home. And they need a support system close to where they live.

Many addicts build their support system through a 12 step recovery program. It is important for them to learn about 12 step recovery programs as well as other options for long-term addiction recovery. Recovery programs have their own language and traditions. If a recovering person doesn’t feel comfortable with a recovery program, they’re not likely to go to its meetings.

They need to learn coping skills like meditation, deep breathing exercises and yoga. And it would be more beneficial if they had the opportunity to try out different coping skills so they could find a few that are a good fit for them.

That is a lot of information to absorb and process. And you have to keep in mind that the first week a person is in rehab, they can’t absorb anything. Most people who go to rehab will have withdrawal symptoms for the first 5 to 7 days. And their brains can still be healing from the damage drugs do for more than a year.

Physical Health

When an addicted person enters rehab, they are often malnourished. Their bodies have taken a beating from the drugs they’ve polluted their bodies with.

Drugs can do a lot of damage to the brain. The reward system of the brain is rewired to accommodate the drug. The person’s brain may not recognize or produce natural neurotransmitters that have been replaced by drugs. The good news is that the brain has the ability to find ways to work around the damage done by drugs. This ability is called plasticity. But the brain need a lot of time to heal.

The addicted person could spend years in active addiction without exercising, eating healthy meals or getting enough sleep. They may have diseases like HIV or hepatitis, which need to be treated.

Many drugs do damage to major organs like the heart, respiratory system or the liver. Any damage to the body needs to be treated. The worse the addicted person feels, the more likely they may relapse in an effort to feel better.

As you can tell, there are so many issues which need to be addressed with addicted people that the idea that you can address even a fraction of these in 30 days is ridiculous. That is why people need to start seeing a 30 day rehab as the start of treatment, not a complete treatment.

Long-Term Recovery: How to Get Sufficient Treatment

The way the system is now, it takes most addicted people multiple trips to rehab before they find recovery. This seems like an indicator that 30 days of treatment isn’t sufficient. But what can you do if 30 days is all your insurance will pay for?

You do have options in addition to rehab. More people need to view rehab as just the first part of treatment. After a rehab is completed, the addicted person can go to many other treatments.

And many insurances will pay for these treatments. Some treatments even allow addicts to work and pay their own way while in treatment.

In an ideal situation, the addicted person would go through multiple levels of treatment until the person is returned to his or her home environment. In this system, each subsequent part of treatment is a little less restrictive.

Addicts work their way through the treatments one step at a time. With each step down, they earn more freedom and more responsibility. For the addicted, long-term addiction recovery offers a way to ease back into a normal life instead of being thrown back into it.

How Step-Down-Treatment Works

An addicted person could spend years or even the rest of their life in some form of long-term addiction recovery, using a system of step down treatment. The person starts in rehab for 30 days. Next, he or she goes to a halfway house for 3 to 6 months. Then, he or she lives in a three-quarter house for about a year.

By this point, the person would have a job and can get an apartment. If it is needed, he or she could go to a partial hospitalization program or intensive outpatient program. An intensive outpatient program might be the better option if the person is employed. You may be able to find an intensive outpatient program that is in the evening. The last step in their long-term addiction recovery process is outpatient therapy. The person could enter into outpatient therapy for as long as it is needed.

Halfway Houses

A halfway house is a treatment option available after rehab is completed. In some places, a halfway house is called a sober living house. A halfway house is a type of addiction treatment that is a step down from rehab or inpatient treatment.

A halfway house is usually a large house where 10 to 15 people with addiction issues live. You can stay in a halfway house for 3 to 12 months. Halfway houses usually have group therapy and 12 step meetings for the addicts that live there.

Halfway houses aren’t as structured as rehabs. There are paid staff on duty at all times. And counselors are available when patients have a problem or need a professional to talk to.

Halfway house patients have more freedom than in rehab. And they also have more responsibilities. They take an active role in running the house by having house meetings and doing chores like cleaning and cooking.

Halfway house patients have more free time and can take part in more recreational activities. They can also earn opportunities to leave the house to go shopping and get personal care products. They earn privileges to do more activities over time.

Three-Quarter Houses

A three-quarter house is another step down from a halfway house. It can also be referred to as a sober living house. There is still supervision available but they may not have staff on duty 24 hours a day. Patients can earn the privilege of helping to run the house over time.

Patients have even more free time than a halfway house. Patients can have jobs. They can leave the house to go to work or to 12 step meetings. There are usually house meetings at the beginning and end of the day. But they don’t usually have group therapy sessions throughout the day as many of the patients work.

The amount of time people stay in a three-quarter house varies. But it can be a year or even more.

An important thing to note about three-quarter houses is that they can be unregulated. Depending on the state you live in, a three-quarter house might not need a license to operate. There are some places that can take advantage of this and demand unreasonable monthly fees for which you get little in return. Ask for referrals for a reputable house from rehabs in the area.

Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP)

A partial hospitalization program is another step down from a three-quarter house. Patients stay in their own homes and come to the program during the day.

Most partial programs are five days a week, about 6 hours a day. Patients have group therapy and recreational activities throughout the day. They may have some free time to socialize as well.

Groups are facilitated by a staff of counselors. Most programs have a psychiatrist on staff. You may need a referral from a psychiatrist or doctor depending on your insurance.

Intensive Outpatient Program

An intensive outpatient program is another step down. An intensive outpatient program is similar to a partial hospitalization program but they are usually just 3 days a week.

Patients stay in their own homes while attending an intensive outpatient program. Some programs operate in the evenings so it is possible to work while attending.

Intensive outpatient programs have group therapy and recreational activities. The groups are facilitated by a counseling staff. Patients may also have some free time to socialize.

Outpatient Therapy

Outpatient therapy is the least restrictive type of treatment for addiction. Typically, someone with addiction issues is only in outpatient therapy after completing other types of more restrictive treatments. Although sometimes, an addicted person will seek help with an outpatient therapist first. When this is the case, the outpatient therapist will encourage the person to seek a higher level of care.

Patients stay in their own home when they’re in outpatient therapy. They generally see their outpatient therapist for an hour a week. An outpatient therapist will often help them with relapse prevention techniques and monitor them for compliance with a long-term addiction recovery program like the 12 steps, if they take part in a 12 step group

Decrease your relapse odds and increase your happiness, resilience and health by focusing on balanced wellness. Here’s an 8 item wellness checklist with suggestions for small changes you can make today.

Avoid relapse by improving recovery wellness.

How’s life in recovery? Well, if you’re past the early days and life is anything but perfect (so this is for basically everyone…) take stock of what areas of life need a tune-up and get some ideas for self-improvement, because the more wellness you enjoy, the stronger your recovery becomes.

Read on for an 8 item wellness checklist. Evaluate your current situation across these 8 domains and if you see an area that needs work, get started on self-improvement by following one of the suggestions listed below.

Research shows that improving wellness increases life satisfaction and physical health, decreases your risks of early death and helps you avoid relapse – so though improving wellness takes a bit of effort, it earns you enormous rewards.

What Is Wellness?

Wellness = Feeling happiness, life-satisfaction and well-being, enjoying good physical health, addressing past trauma, enjoying social relationships, having purpose and engaging in work and play, avoiding excessive stress and living in a positive environment.

According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, wellness has 8 primary dimensions:

1. Social
2. Environmental
3. Physical
4. Emotional
5. Occupational
6. Intellectual
7. Financial
8. Spiritual

These 8 dimensions give you a framework to evaluate your current situation and to make small changes over time to improve your wellness across all areas of life.

Why bother working for wellness?

• Because life should be joyous and satisfying - after all, you don’t go through all the hard work of quitting and early recovery to have a less satisfying life – life after addiction should improve enormously.
• Because research shows that people with serious mental illness and substance use disorders suffer greater health complaints and have a higher risk of early death (working for wellness helps you offset this risk.)
• Because beyond general happiness, wellness and life satisfaction protects your emotional and mental health – and your recovery.

Your Wellness Recipe…Only 8 Ingredients!

Want to improve your life but not sure how to get started? Well:

1. Take a look at the 8 dimensions listed below.
2. Choose one you’re weak in.
3. Choose one of the easy improvement suggestions.
4. Take a small step to greater wellness right now.

Remember, baby steps of progress still take you forward. You don’t have to change everything right away. Simply make one or two manageable changes at a time, and if you keep at it you’ll achieve something great.

1. Physical Wellness

You can achieve good physical wellness by getting enough exercise, sleeping well, eating healthy nutritious food, maintaining a diet that keeps you at a healthy weight, avoiding injury and seeing your doctor regularly to prevent disease.

Ideas for improvement:

• If you haven’t been to the doctor in a while, make an appointment for a complete physical – likewise, stay on top of oral health with regular dental visits. If you haven’t been in a while, schedule a cleaning and check-up today.
• Know your health numbers: your blood pressure, you blood glucose, your BMI and your blood lipids. Elevated numbers can indicate increased disease risk.¹
• If overweight, take steps to lose weight – reduce your consumption of processed foods and sugary drinks and replace these with home-cooked foods, vegetables, fruits, beans and legumes. To help with this, buy the bulk of your groceries from the outsides of the grocery store – where the fresh produce, meats and dairy are typically sold. Limit purchases in the interior sections, which hold processed and frozen/prepared foods. 
• Get at least 2.5 hours of moderate physical exercise per week (more is even better) – all it takes is a 20 to 30 minute brisk walk each morning or evening. Or – try for 10 000 steps a day (use a fitness tracker for this) or join a recreational sports team.²
• Take the stairs rather than the elevator – or park at the far end of the lot, rather than searching for the closest spot.
• Make getting enough sleep a priority. If you can’t sleep, learn to improve your sleeping skills by improving your sleep hygiene.
• If you smoke – quit!
• Wear your seat belt.
• Practice safe sex.

2. Social Wellness

You can’t be totally well all on your own - for social wellness and belonging make sure to build a social support network, engage regularly with others and work to make sure you feel comfortable with others in everyday social interactions.

Ideas to try:

• Make a list of people that you care about and if there’s anyone on that list you haven’t talked to in a while, give them a call today.
• Pledge to make at least one connection with another person each day – through phone calls, emails or direct contact.
• Get involved with peer recovery support. Helping others in recovery helps you just as much as it does them.
• Join a club or social group.
• Volunteer.

And the good news is that you don’t have to become a social butterfly to see some beneficial results - researchers in Australia found that just belonging to a book club or other community social group led to improved physical and mental health.³

3. Financial Wellness

It’s hard to stay positive when money’s a constant worry – you achieve financial wellness when you avoid excessive financial stress and become satisfied with your present and future financial situation.

Ideas to try:

• Become a conscious spender – if you overspend, set a budget and stick with it.
• If you have debt or credit problems, work with an expert to develop a plan that satisfies your creditors and takes the pressure off your day to day life.
• If you worry about your future finances, make a plan and start putting money aside now. Even small amounts saved today can grow into something substantial - and by taking action, you may relieve some anxiety.

Learn how to beat impulse spending.

4. Emotional Wellness

Improving your ability to handle life’s curves and your own difficult emotions, express your feelings, build and maintain meaningful relationships and sustain a generally positive outlook.

Ideas to try:

• Seek support from friends and family when you’re having trouble with difficult emotions – they want to help you.
• Learn a new relaxation technique, such as deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation.
• Learn stress management techniques.
• Improve your problem solving skills.
• Become an assertive communicator.
• If you find that you’re not making emotional wellness progress on your own, consider working with a counselor or therapist to achieve your goals.

5. Occupational Wellness

You likely spend a great deal of your life ‘at work’ so your job has an influence on your overall wellness. If you can, try to build a work or school situation that brings you a sense of purpose and satisfaction.

Ideas to try:

• If you don’t get any satisfaction, enrichment or purpose out of you current job, is there any way you could change your current job to improve it? If not, are you in a position to get a new job elsewhere that would be a better fit to you?
• If you feel under-challenged, volunteer for extra duties or responsibilities that allow for growth and development.
• Improve your skills with professional development or specific training courses.
• Make sure to communicate openly with your supervisor and ask for support if you need it.

6. Intellectual Wellness

Use it or lose it! It’s easy to get stuck in a rut, but you don’t have to be an academic type to benefit from life-long learning – staying intellectually active can improve your cognitive abilities, protect you from age related declines, increase your self confidence and provide you with new knowledge and skills.

Ideas to try:

• Take a class.
• Pay attention to local politics and attend political events. Express your opinions.
• Try a new hobby.
• Go to the museum or art gallery.
• Read.
• Join a book club or other discussion group.

7. Spiritual Wellness

We are all spiritual beings seeking meaning from our existence, and there is something very satisfying in connecting with something larger than yourself. Spirituality doesn’t have to mean religion – though it can, but it should be personally significant.

Ideas to try:

• If already have working beliefs, strive to bring your spiritual practice into your everyday life.
• If you don’t yet have a well defined sense of spirituality, try exploring different religious traditions – you may find an existing practice that fits perfectly.

8. Environmental Wellness

Your environment has a significant effect on your mental and physical health, so you can improve wellness simply by spending more time each day in pleasant, stimulating or nurturing surroundings.

Ideas to try:

• De-clutter - if you live with clutter, tidy and clean your surroundings. Research demonstrates that neat and orderly surroundings help your mood.
• Spend more time each day outside – in the natural world if possible.
• If you spend a lot of time each day stuck in your car – in traffic, consider alternate means of commuting, such as bike commuting.
• Avoid spending time in toxic environments, such as rooms filled with second hand smoke.
• Add plants to your environment.

There are many pathways to recovery. If the 12 steps don’t feel right, consider SMART Recovery meetings. SMART Recovery is a free, science-based community self-help group.

In addiction recovery, people who get involved with community self help programs tend to have better outcomes than those who go it alone.

AA and NA are two of the best known community self help groups, but not everyone feels comfortable with the 12-step program and its spiritual underpinnings or disease model philosophy.

Fortunately, you have other options and many pathways can lead to lasting recovery.  If the 12 Steps don’t feel right, SMART Recovery is another support group to consider.

What Is SMART Recovery?

SMART Recovery is a free, community, science-based mutual self help program for people seeking abstinence from drugs, alcohol or non substance addictions.

So as an alternative to heading to a free AA meeting, you might consider trying a free SMART Recovery meeting.

SMART Recovery Quick Facts

• SMART Recovery is designed to help people struggling with alcohol use disorders, drug use disorders and compulsive gambling, sex, eating, shopping, self harm and others.
• SMART Recovery promotes abstinence and the program is designed for people who are considering or choosing abstinence.
• The recovery program is based on scientific principles and evolves as scientific understanding evolves. Many of the exercises are based on motivational interviewing techniques and cognitive behavioral therapy.
• There is no formal religious or spiritual component to SMART Recovery, though many group members will hold private beliefs.
• The SMART system teaches recovery tools for behavior change. In support meetings you discuss and practice these tools and skills.
• SMART Recovery is a non-profit entity and meetings are free.
• You can find meetings online and in many urban areas.
• Anyone willing to become a meeting facilitator can start their own SMART Recovery meetings.

SMART Program Foundations

SMART Recovery is based on a 4 point program:

1. Building and maintaining motivation
2. Coping with urges – learning skills to overcome urges and cravings
3. Managing thoughts, feelings and behaviors  - becoming a better problem solver and more rational thinker
   
4. Living a balanced life – learning skills to help you find a balance between short and long-term goals and pleasures¹

To improve yourself across these 4 domains, you learn new skills and ways of thinking about yourself and the world. You learn skills at meetings and workshops and you improve on them through homework and daily practice exercises.

Read on below for an example of a SMART Recovery tool you’d learn with the program - the ABCs.

The ABCs and the ABCDEs

Proponents of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (a forerunner of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) believe that we can change our behaviors by changing the way we think – and we can do this first by learning our ABCs!

The ABCs:

• A = Activating event (something happens)
• B = Belief (what we think or believe about the activating event)
• C = Consequences (how we respond)

Although we may think that activating events lead to consequences, for example:

• A - "My co-worker took the credit for my work."

Leads to:

• C – "I got so angry. I stopped at a liquor store and bought a bottle of wine."

A doesn’t actually cause C, A only causes B – and it’s B which causes C… which is a good thing, because though you can't change how the world treats you, you can change how you think about the world!

So:

• A - "She took credit for my work"

Actually leads to:

• B – Belief oriented thoughts like: "I can’t believe that she would do that to me. I’ll never get promoted now. I can’t stand getting treated like this. I need a drink and after the way I was treated today I know I deserve it."

It’s B - what you think about A (the activating event) that actually leads to C - you getting angry and drunk.

This is where D and E come into play.

• D = Disputing your beliefs
• E = Find more Effective beliefs to replace irrational ones

So given the example above D =

• "It is only one small project. Though it is unfortunate that I did not get the credit I deserve it probably won’t affect my chances in the long run."
• "I am really disappointed right now, I don't like getting treated like this but I can stand it."
  
• "I don’t need a drink, I just really want one."

And E =

• "I am upset now but I will feel better tomorrow."
• "I do not want to drink, even though I feel like it right now, because I am trying to remain abstinent."
• "If I drink now I’ll feel better temporarily but I’ll feel much worse tomorrow."

By practicing the ABCDEs in everyday life you gain a powerful weapon against irrational and counterproductive behaviors.²

How Does SMART Recovery Differ from AA?

As a free, community-based self help program, SMART Recovery falls into the same support category as AA, NA and other 12-step programs.

But though similarities exist, SMART Recovery is a substantially different program than those based on the 12 Steps.

Some primary differences between SMART Recovery and 12-step programs include:³

• SMART Recovery focuses more on a scientific understanding of recovery while 12-step programs are more centered around spirituality.
• 12-step programs teach powerlessness against addiction and the need for a higher power. SMART Recovery provides tools that empower a person to make behavioral changes.
• 12-step meetings frown on crosstalk. SMART Recovery meetings are based on crosstalk.
• SMART Recovery isn’t designed to be a lifetime program – it’s designed to be used as a learning program that takes months to a few years to complete. 12-step programs are life-long programs of support.
• You will not get a sponsor in SMART Recovery.
• There is no labeling (alcoholic, for example) in SMART Recovery.
  

(Learn what to expect from an AA or NA meeting.)

What Do the Experts Say?

SMART is recognized as a valid recovery choice by a number of leading addiction treatment and healthcare organizations, such as:

• The American Society of Addiction Medicine
• The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)
• The American Academy of Family Physicians
• SAMHSA’s National Recovery Month

Finding a Meeting

You can use the SMART Recovery Meeting Finder to find a meeting in your area. If no meeting yet exists in your locale, you can become a meeting facilitator and start your own.

Alternatively, you can also register at SMART Recovery (it’s free) and get access to online forums, online daily meetings and other resources,

Finding a Program That Works for You

Community mutual self help programs offer tremendous support and education and they make good sense for almost anybody striving for addiction recovery.

Remember:

• People who get involved with mutual self help groups tend to have better outcomes.⁴
• There is no "single right way to recover" – just a "right-for-you way". According to SAMHSA’s guiding principles of recovery: "There are many pathways to recovery. Recovery is self-directed and empowering. Recovery is supported by peers and allies. Recovery happens when you recognize the need for change."⁵
• If the 12 steps don’t feel right, keep trying other self-help programs, like SMART Recovery, HAMS (A harm reduction program) or Moderation Management, until you find a program you’re comfortable with.
• SMART Recovery is a valid choice that is free and endorsed by major addiction treatment and medical groups.

When caring for the kids means seeking help for addiction: Overwhelmed by the competing demands of daily life, single parents are at a higher risk for substance abuse and addiction.

Some things are impossible to rationalize away. The awareness of "it's all on me" is inescapable for single parents. Nobody works harder and few face more obstacles. The balance of competing demands is precarious at best. When substance abuse becomes part of the mix, balance becomes unattainable and we begin a descent in which we place those we love most.

Single Parents are 'At Risk'

The demands of daily life for a single mom or dad place us at a higher risk for substance abuse and addiction. Too many of us are socially isolated and lacking natural supports. We live with higher financial stress and our schedules are anything but manageable. We're focused on the needs of our children and denying our own.

Some of us sought comfort in a drink after the kids were in bed. Some of us used just to get through the day. Some of us only stopped using due to pregnancy and some of us never stopped at all.

We live our lives at 100mph and stopping anything seems impossible.

"Lines in the Sand"

Every addict engages in ongoing negotiations with self. We establish lines we won't cross in order to derive a sense of security. There's a point in the progression of addiction in which we've crossed too many of them. Yet even when self-preservation is conspicuously absent, we often maintain a strong awareness and protectiveness of our children.

We're told that we have to get sober for ourselves and it's unimaginable. I'm often asked, "Is it okay to do it for my kids?" Hell yes, it is! There's no bad reason to get clean and sober. We're willing to go through hell for our kids. The turning point in recovery comes for many of us when we're ready to get out of hell for our kids.

Overcoming Stigma & Shame

Of all the judgments a person fears and anticipates in seeking help for addiction, admitting that our children are affected is the greatest. We expect to be condemned for what we see as our weakness. Our isolation and fears are compounded by what we project.

Talk to People Who Get It

There are countless reasons why I recommend folks to 12-step programs. First and foremost, I know that no one who truly understands addiction will judge a person for where their disease has taken them. I understand it's intimidating to talk with folks who have attained long-term sobriety, but I hasten to point out that they only got there because some good folks helped them out of their wreckage.

AA and NA tend to be the best starting points. They're free, widely available, and filled with folks on similar journeys. I've never met folks who are more genuine and generous with their time. The benefit of contacts, friends, and sponsors in staying sober and changing our lives cannot be overstated. People in recovery tend to be the most knowledgeable regarding resources for folks in dire straits. They can also tell you:

How to Choose Professional Support

Along with a primary care physician, recovery supports are often our best option for determining what happens next. If rehab cannot be an option due to the needs of our children, we might explore a rapid detox program. If this too is unachievable, we look to Intensive Outpatient Programs/Day Treatment, or to the least intrusive: outpatient individual and group counseling. In the absence of a plan we falter. Knowing the steps and taking them affords us hope.

It's reasonable to fear that professionals might report our circumstances to Child Protective Services. The real threshold for legally mandated reporting includes a fair amount of gray area. I encourage folks to judge and choose professionals based on their reputation in recovery communities. I also find that those of us who work in the field and are open about being in recovery ourselves tend to be the most supportive.

If your fear of potentially having Human Services involvement is going to stop you then know this: We cannot report what you don't tell us. Alternatively, ask us hypothetical questions: "If I were to tell you A, B, and C, would you have to share that information?"

The best of us will simply spell it out for you and we won't ask you to trust us. We'll support you in coming to trust yourself.

New Year's can be a time for reflection, but for those in addiction recovery, it can also be a minefield. About taking stock, as this year comes to an end.

The coming of the New Year naturally leads us to reflect on the recent past and to consider the year ahead. In the context of recovery, this pursuit is fraught with pitfalls. As the adage cautions: "It's all in how you look at it."

Growth in recovery results in increased clarity. This can be disorienting and emotionally draining. Things that once seemed benign now seem painful. Things that once seemed a great injustice now seem like they're no big deal. Assessing ourselves and our experiences is therefore problematic.

Most of us have yet to become fair judges of ourselves. Before reflecting on our past, we must consider what we hope to discover:

We don't often find what we're not looking for.

Don't Should on Yourself

Most of us have a tendency to be overly self-critical. This leaves us minimizing our successes and exaggerating our shortcomings and failures. I caution folks when they express ideas about where they should be or shouldn't be because these are rejections of where they are and how much it took to get there.

More importantly, if we can't accept how things are, then we're not going to move toward how they could be. Rejecting ourselves leads to shame, which leads to beating ourselves up. It's far better to judge our progress as though it belonged to someone else. If a friend or family member experiences even the smallest success, we would never turn to them and in effect say, "Is that all you've done?"

Pick Up the Pace

If we find that we are dissatisfied with the rate of progress in our recovery, our best investment is to set measurable goals for the coming year. New Years resolutions are usually just nice ideas that lack follow through. Better to develop conviction regarding what we will and will not do. Increasing the amount of support we solicit and the amount of accountability we demonstrate are paramount to our success.

We need feedback from trusted others to ensure that we continue to strive. We need reality checks and for folks to call us out when we're being too hard on ourselves. Recovery still hinges on the degree to which our lives are manageable. Moving away from all or nothing thinking and approaches makes success more attainable.

Keep Going!

If we find that we have achieved a great deal in the past year, there is cause for celebration. There is also reason to be vigilant. Complacency is one of the most subtle forms of self destruction. It's never sustainable nor fulfilling.

Counselors refer to it as "plateauing." Mountain climbing is a good analogy for recovery. We climb until we reach a new level. We rest and enjoy a greater view. Then we start climbing again. We never reach the summit but we never settle for less than we can attain.

Gratitude & Attitude

Gratitude is a powerfully spiritual force. Looking back on the past year we can ask ourselves, "What helped me get here?" We can consider the impact of grace and good people and what it's made possible for us. Showing our appreciation enhances connection to both our support system and to our Higher Power.

Patience and Tolerance

We are not patient people. To be patient is to be kind and accepting. This is exactly why we struggle. We were not taught to value ourselves. I share with folks the slight modifications to the Serenity Prayer that help me focus my time and energy:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (others)

Courage to change the things I can (myself)

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Be of Service

Taking pride in what we've overcome and incorporated shows us how much we have to offer to others in recovery. Knowledge creates responsibility. We are not required to tell others the answers, only to share what worked for us. The best way to keep it is to give it away.

The holidays are a universally stressful time of year. For those of us in recovery, unique challenges demand our care and attention.

The holidays are once again upon us. It’s time to dread upcoming visits with family members, bemoan our financial insecurity, and look forward to the coming New Year with unbridled panic: ‘Tis the season to be incredibly stressed out.

It’s Sad not S.A.D.

Depending on your geography, this is a time of precious little sunlight and lots of precipitation. There’s no question that millions of Americans are affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.).

There should also be no question that quite often, depressive symptoms are better explained by the impact of unfortunate recurring experiences like... the holidays.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

The holidays are a time in which folks quite naturally reminisce. For many, this is a delightful bit of nostalgia. For millions of us in recovery (whether from addiction, trauma, an abusive childhood or other nightmares), recollection is at best bittersweet. At no other time of year was the contrast more apparent between how things were and how we wanted and needed them to be. The memories alone can overshadow any joy the current season holds.

Home for the Holidays

There is no greater sense of unwanted obligation than the compulsion to spend time with those who hurt us the most. We tend to be unwaveringly loyal to those undeserving of our devotion. Each year we return with a mix of false hope and cynicism, praying it will be different this time. When it’s not, we redirect our anger at ourselves for having expected anything better.

We long to have another family member join us on the journey. Too often we’re the only one who’s changing. The loneliness of being in a houseful of relatives can be overwhelming.

One of the best investments we can make is hitting extra meetings to help us survive the things we feel we must do. Google local meetings when you travel, call the helpline and hit online meetings. Don’t explain to your loved ones why it’s necessary to take a break, just assure them you’re a lot more fun when you spend an hour amongst those with similar struggles.

Broke not Broken

PricewaterhouseCoopers estimates that the average American will spend around seven hundred dollars on gift giving this Christmas.¹ When we’re struggling to make rent, it’s easy to hate the expectation that presents be a priority. This is one of the biggest pitfalls of the season.

Instead, shift your perspective: Express a sentiment to your loved ones and focus on what you can give of yourself. It’s too easy to feel inadequate when we compare ourselves to others.

Toasting the New Year with a Cup of… Coffee

The holidays can be an incredibly difficult time to stay sane, clean, and sober. Holiday gatherings with friends, Christmas parties at work, and visits with family can be huge triggers. Even the traditional spiked eggnog or New Year’s toast can throw us into a tailspin. It’s vital that we make plans prior to going into the fray. We urge folks to spend time with sponsors and trusted others to identify what we can do to get through this (if indeed we’re ready) AND what to do if things start to come unraveled.

Looking Ahead

This is a time when we look to the coming year with anticipation. Some of us ponder possibilities while others focus on trying not to panic. Joyce Myers said it best, “I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I am not where I used to be.”²

Gratitude and attitude have a cause and effect relationship. One of the best investments we can make is noting our progress to date and mindfully choosing to take pride in it. Setting realistic goals for the near future makes sense, setting ourselves up with unrealistic New Year’s resolutions does not.

Spend as little time as you can reflecting on past regrets. They remain something you’re powerless to change. The most important thing about what’s behind us is that we survived it. What lies ahead is potential and far more worthy of our time and attention.

If you dread the holidays, take a moment and also read...

• 7 Strategies for Staying Sober Over the Holidays
• 5 Ways to Reduce Holiday Stress and Anxiety
• Holiday Relapse Risk Self-Test
• SAD and Seasonal Alcoholism