With the ongoing financial crisis and loss of jobs and unemployment benefits, a marriage can be stressed to the breaking point. Here are 8 marriage-protecting tips to help you cope - and thrive - through hard financial times.

With unemployment still at 7% and long term unemployment benefits getting cut, millions of Americans are going to be stuck in a most unpleasant situation. How will it affect your marriage if you lose that income? What should you do to begin to cope? Are there specific suggestions?

Years ago most American families were one income families. That was in some ways much better, since if one person lost his (usually the man) income the partner (usually the woman) could look for ways of making up the shortfall. Today such a situation is extremely rare. Most of us need two incomes to maintain our lifestyles. Even worse, there was a time when we could expect to find a new job within a few months. People have lost that expectation. Some say that the reason that the unemployment rate is “only” 7% is because so many people have given up looking for work.

Numerical Calculations with Emotional Consequences

The loss of a job is much more than a financial question. Cold economic calculations, if allowed, would find solutions. But cold calculations are almost impossible. If Joan and John had good paying jobs and Joan was laid off, does that mean that they should sell the house and move to a less expensive neighborhood, and have the kids readjust to a less prestigious school? Doing that would engender guilt, anger, frustrations and interpersonal and intrapersonal stress. On the other hand, making insufficient adjustments will cause the same amount of stress.

Job Loss Affects Men and Women Differently

It makes a difference who lost the job. Men and women relate to money in different ways. In spite of all the progress made in equalizing income rates, American men often still feel emasculated when they are dependent on their wives for income. That loss of identity, self-esteem, and feelings of worthlessness has implications that reverberate throughout the whole family. Of course, similar feelings can affect the woman if she gets a pink slip. Furthermore, the stress affects the children as well as the couple.

One more factor makes this situation particularly difficult. Talking about money is often more difficult than talking about sex! As Americans we have learned how to talk about sex since the 1960’s, but most of us never grew up learning how to talk about money. When it becomes the “elephant in the living room” we need to learn how to talk about it without causing more stress. We need to develop strategies that will keep both sides feeling safe in a time of great vulnerability.¹

Here are some suggestions to keep in mind if you and your family are in this situation.

8 Tips for Coping with Unemployment

1. Acknowledge the Loss

Acknowledgment is more than admitting that there will be less income for the foreseeable future. The loss includes aspects of self-esteem, identity and status (in the family and in the community). Recognize that, as with all types of loss, there can be periods of denial, guilt and anger. Understanding these feelings as natural processes helps you to weather the storms. It is best to talk about it openly. Hey, the kids could learn how to handle difficult times!

2. Get Financial Advice

Very few of us received proper financial education. Belt tightening is a personal process, but there are professionals who have seen it done hundreds of times and can give valuable insights. Don’t think that professional advice is not important if you have significant savings. Getting advice is more important if you have more money. Losing a job and savings is a double disaster.

3. Improve Empathic Communications

Above and beyond acknowledging the loss is validating your partner’s feelings. Listen to your man’s feelings of guilt and vulnerability without blame. Listen to your woman’s worries about the consequences and implications without belittling. Be careful not to give advice while your partner is venting. Problem solving will happen once the feelings are worked out.

4. Develop Coping Strategies for the Stress

Stress has physical implications as well as psychological effects. You need to take care of yourself during rough times. Exercise. Even if you never did before, this might be the opportunity to make that habit. It is not the time for a personal trainer or club membership, but there are good workouts you can do on your own. (You can find tons of instruction on YouTube!) Schedule time with friends, and play time with your kids or grandkids! Additionally, even though many of us eat worse when stressed, this is a time to dedicate to a better, healthier diet.

5. Network (Not Just for Work)

Well, duh. How else does one find a job? I am not talking about only in order to find a job. Networking keeps the sanity and important social connections. If you network only for the purpose of finding work you run the risk of feelings of uselessness and failure if you don’t find a job quickly enough. If you network with the goal of keeping and developing important social connections you can be successful. Those feelings of success will, in turn, increase your likelihood of landing a job. People like people who are successful.

6. Work on Your Family Connections

Go out on dates with your significant other. Visit family that have fallen distant. Have fun with the people you love. When you put in that effort you will be appreciated and feel appreciated. That works wonders for negative feelings of loss.

7. Focus on Gratitude

One of the most reliably proven mood enhancers is cultivation of gratitude. Make a daily habit of recording at least three things that you can be grateful for and why that thing happened. This goes a long way in training your brain to notice positivity in your life, and when you find yourself without employment you really need to find positivity on a daily basis.

8. Don’t Lose Hope

When you start feeling hopeless, listen to your partner’s hopefulness. If she is feeling hopeless, you encourage her. You might have to fake it till you make it, but she needs to do the same. If this doesn’t work, you might consider professional counseling.

Many people find that crisis is a great time for growth. It is certainly an opportunity to strengthen a marital relationship. Weathering bad times helps people grow closer, but it takes work and cooperation.

Image Copyright: Dustin McClure

Experience and research identify seven factors that keep a relationship going. Cultivate these habits and stay with your partner forever.

We've been married for 40 years. We've had more than our share of troubles and difficulties - health, financial, family, strife, etc. If you ask me or my wife we will both agree that we've had a very successful marriage. It has not always been fun. There have been fights, fun, times of building and times of seeming destruction. But success is the ability to overcome the difficulties.

I've been a therapist for about 30 years. So I have a bit of an advantage in that I've learned from books and seminars about what makes for a successful relationship. I also have the advantage of having a teacher who is a great natural in working on successful relationships - my wife. So with decades of academic and practical experience, I would like to share some of the things that I've learned.

These seven habits are all essentials, but every couple will need to cultivate them differently. Some people need more of one ingredient and others need emphasis on another ingredient. But they are all important.

Focus on the Positive

One of the very most important factors in successful relationships is that there is a preponderance of positive over negative. This is true in every relationship. If you want a business relationship to be successful you need about three positive interactions for each criticism or negative interaction. In personal and intimate relationships you need five to one. If you see something your partner did right make sure to mention it. If she looks good, say so. If he exhibits competence, compliment.

Practice Forgiveness

Once you get into a positivity habit this can be easier. On the other hand, there are quite a few studies that suggest that daily forgiveness can cause a more positive outlook. When you forgive your partner you are telling him or her that you believe that he or she didn't mean to harm you because there is love between you. That is an extremely powerful message. Since we can all use more love and love grows when it is given, the message that "I know you want the best for me because you love me" works wonders. It also enhances trust.

Make a Habit of the “Unnecessary” Talk of Love

The most important type of communication in a successful relationship is the words that tell things that you already know.

There are two basic types of communications. The first informs and gives us new knowledge. The second is emotional. It tells us things we know or should know without being said. A man walks into the house with a real sour face. He says, "I had a bad day." Now you did not need those words to know that, but it is important that it be said. It opens up more and better communication.

This is even more important with positive communications. Every day you should say, "I love you" and "Have a good day." It does not need to be said in that your partner knows that you want the best, but it reinforces the emotions. At the end of the day say, "Good night" regardless of how the day went. Even if there are bad feelings in the air, you say, "This relationship is more important than this stupid fight."

Another aspect of the “talk of love” is the daily check-up. During the course of the day get in touch with your partner and ask how she or he is doing. This does not have to be a long conversation. In fact, many people don’t have time for long conversations in the middle of the workday. But it serves two purposes. First, it shows interest which means: you are important and I am thinking about you. Second, it gives you a “heads up” about how your partner’s day is going. Will there be something to process when you get together in the evening?

Be Proud to Be with Your Partner

When you are in public act like the coupleship is the real focus, even when you are focused on the other things. Walk side by side or hand in hand. You see the beauty in your partner that nobody else sees and you can flaunt the fact that yours is the best relationship. It is not helpful to walk together and not be together. If she is four feet ahead, he just might notice another two legs just ahead.

Use Hugs and Kisses to Capitalize on “Body Memory”

Our bodies retain an aura of emotional touches, either good or bad. We need to reinforce the good feelings by giving a hug when returning from work or going out. A “real” kiss can last for a few hours after it can be observed. That feeling can not only be a reminder of the success of the relationship, but it might also strengthen your partner and make some of the trials and tribulations of the “real” world less noxious.

Cultivate Both Common and Separate Interests

Contrary to popular belief, it is not only the things you do in common that enhance your relationship, it is also the things you enjoy apart.

Don’t get me wrong, it is very important that you cultivate common interests. You need to spend enjoyable time together. It can be anything from movies, to sports, to political debate, as long as it is something that you enjoy. It should not be only your interests in the kids, since they will eventually grow up and you can be left without a common interest. If it is something that cannot be done on a regular basis, try to figure out how to keep the interest alive when you are not involved. For instance, if your interest is foreign travel, and you can do it only once a year, use the other time to dream and plan and discuss.

But separate fun is also important. If your husband wants to roller skate every Sunday, let him and be interested in his experience. If your wife wants to host a book club encourage her and listen to her reports of how it went each time.

Go to Bed at the Same Time

This seems to be a disappearing art. But going to bed together is something that only couples do, so do it as much as possible. The problem is when one of you has a lot to do and sleeping doesn’t fit the agenda. Is there any reason why you can’t get up a bit later and finish your work? Or get up an hour earlier in the morning? Falling asleep skin to skin is incredibly bonding and the cement is strong and sweet.

If both of you practice these seven habits I will guarantee that the relationship will be successful, regardless of the difficulties that life might throw your way.

Image Copyright: Accidental-Tourist

Resentment grows when you always give-in. Save your relationship by taking care of yourself while staying considerate to your partner's needs. Here are 4 ways to get started.

Are you assertive enough?

• Your wife likes romantic comedies and you like drama. So why is it that you always seem to watch romantic comedies?

• Your husband loves basketball and plays at least three times a week. Now, in your seventh month you need his help more than before, but you can’t bring yourself to ask him to give up his passion.

You might be one of those people who thinks, “I’d rather keep my friends/lover happy than deal with a disagreement.” But while it is certainly good to be considerate, isn’t it possible to be considerate without being a push-over?

It is – if you learn the art of assertiveness!

What Is Assertiveness?

• Assertiveness is the midpoint between aggression and passivity.
  

However, since it shares some qualities of both, it is often confused with either one.

1. The desire to “win” is common to both assertiveness and aggression.
   
2. The desire to be considerate is common to both assertiveness and passivity.
   

When a person is assertive, the desire to win is tempered by consideration for the other side’s view or feelings. (Passive-aggression is different. Passive-aggression is when a person is passive with an aggressive intent.)

According to the Mayo Clinic, assertiveness means that you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights and beliefs of others.¹

This is easier said than done; it does not come naturally. It is a skill that must be learned, and in a relationship it is essential.

Learn assertive conflict resolution techniques.

Finding the Middle-Ground

• You’ve seen that. It’s the guy (or gal) that seems so nice, sweet, kind and sharing until the angry explosion that's triggered by built-up resentment from giving in too many times.

However, when deciding to become more assertive, it's easy to go too far, and become aggressive instead.

• She says: “I’m not going to let anybody take advantage of me anymore.” Or, he decides that, “come hell or high water” I’m going to get my way!" Consideration is simply thrown out the window!

The trick is to find the middle ground between passivity and aggression. That middle ground is assertiveness.

Benefits of Assertiveness

Being assertive is good for you; it reduces negative stress. Since you have an efficient way of refusing requests and demands, you feel more control over your life.

• When your spouse asks you to take over the 3 AM feeding of the baby, while you are getting up at 6 AM for work, refusing in an assertive manner is less likely to cause problems than refusing in an aggressive manner. You certainly would be less stressed than if you passively acquiesced.
  
• Or, if your kids are older and they are calling you, it can be important to set a rule that they do not call after a certain hour. Making an assertive claim puts less stress on yourself than an aggressive demand.

Assertiveness Builds Satisfying Relationships

When you are not assertive you tend to become resentful.

1. When you do something out of passivity, you don’t really want to do it and this can cause resentment.
2. If your partner does something because you are aggressive, your partner will become resentful.
   
3. When you learn the skills of assertiveness, the resentment goes down and enjoyment goes up.

What follows is a general improvement in the relationship. With a lower level of resentment you and your partner will feel more comfortable expressing needs and desires with little reason to fear aggression or being taken advantage of.

Beyond Your Relationship

Assertive communication can increase your self-confidence.

Assertive communication is based on the idea that you control your life. This translates into what psychologists call an internal locus of control, which means that you recognize that your life, attitudes and behaviors are not determined by other people.

You come to believe that you decide what and how you can change to improve your personal situation.

Build your self esteem with assertiveness.

4 Steps to Assertiveness

1. Get Your Partner on Board

All change is difficult; it almost always involves resistance, failures and successes. Since this is a project that affects both of you, it is important that you explain your assertiveness goals and the likely benefits to your partner. (This might be the first of your assertive communication practice sessions!)

How will you ask for your partner's participation? Here's one way to frame your request:

• When I give in when I don’t want to (or act aggressive against my better judgment), I feel terrible (or guilty or whatever), so I want to learn to be more assertive.

2. Swear-off Accusatory and/or Blaming Statements

This is much harder than it sounds, but accusations and blame are used when you feel disempowered, and using them reinforces that feeling.

3. Use “I Statements”

The I statement: “When X happens, I feel Y, and Z is the result/consequence/request.”

This is the crux of assertiveness; when you frame a request based on how it makes you feel, it becomes difficult for anyone to disagree or argue.

A you statement example:

1. “You are always choosing what movie to watch, you don’t listen to what I want!”
   
2. This statement can easily start a fight.
   

An I statement example:

• “When you decide what movie to watch without hearing my opinion I get frustrated, so let’s discuss it from now on.”
• I statements can also be framed as natural consequences or means of self-protection. For instance, “When we watch horror movies before bed, it disturbs my sleep, so I am going to read a book instead.”

4. Practice, Practice, Practice

Assertiveness is a complex skill. To learn it, you will need to persevere. This is where it is really good to have your partner’s support!

The silent treatment, the cold shoulder...the sofa banishment - though punishment can work in the short-term, it harms your relationship. Learn better ways to interact.

You probably remember some time in your childhood when you were punished and you stopped what you were doing. You learned that (at least in some cases) punishment works.

Now you are an adult and in a serious relationship, and your partner is behaving in a way that you consider improper, inappropriate or disrespectful. Should you use punishment to get your partner to change his or her behavior? The question is: even if it works for an adult-child relationship (in some specific cases), can it work in an adult-adult relationship?

What Is Punishment?

In the context of a relationship:

• You punish your partner when you try to make him or her feel badly about something that you disapprove of.

For instance, Susan spends $200.00 on a pair of shoes and Stan is not happy about it. Anything that Stan does to specifically make Susan feel bad about that purchase would be punishment, whether it be scolding, pouting or sleeping on the sofa.

What Is Wrong with Punishment?

I have talked with many people who insist that they would never punish their spouse, but it is rare to find an individual who has never done something to "teach her (or him) a lesson." This way of thinking sums up the biggest problem with punishing:

• People in adult-adult relationships are not children and they are not there to be taught lessons!

The essence of a mature relationship is partnership. When one has the power to punish, that balance is upset and it becomes very difficult to work together as equals. Punishment can have two major dangerous effects.

1. If it is generally one partner doing the punishing, then the relationship will mirror a parent-child relationship. The punisher will grow to bear the weight of responsibility for the other's behavior. The punished will become disempowered, and resentful.
2. If, on the other hand, the punished refuses to stand for that behavior, he or she might retaliate. Retaliation and counter-retaliation can easily develop into a full scale war!

Types of Punishment

Punishment comes in many forms. Physical punishment is abusive, illegal and should never be tolerated - even once, however, emotional punishment often gets excused and it can be very insidious.

• Emotional punishment occurs through emotional distance and/or giving a message of rejection. Examples include withholding affection such as hugs, kisses or sex, or the classic "silent treatment".
  
• More abusive forms of emotional punishment can include acts of revenge like, "I'm not going with you to your parents because you didn't treat me right at dinner" or "If you don't let me have a dog, why should I let you have fish?"

But What about Fairness?

I was discussing this issue with a client and she said, "But I just want to be fair! If I can't (do something), why should he (be able to do that or a similar thing)?"

This sounds reasonable, but it does not work.

To be fair means that everybody is treated the same. This can work in a classroom where all are equal, and possibly with children, but in a relationship you need to be individuals; you need to celebrate your differences.

• In a relationship you have the opportunity (or even the obligation) to explore and understand the special uniqueness of your partner. Instead of punishing - talk. Don't just speak a lot of words, communicate to try to understand how the other person felt and what led up to the behavior that seems to deserve punishment.
  
• Explore the particular circumstances and discuss the possibilities that could have led to other outcomes. Put effort into finding out more about your partner and listen, listen, listen.
  

That conversation will turn the pain and/or discomfort over what happened into an opportunity to learn about your partner and make the relationship even stronger.

Natural Consequences vs. Punishment

This can be a tricky distinction.

Sometimes one behavior can occur for different reasons, with different dynamics. This can be illustrated clearly with the following example:

1. Let's say a woman refuses to have sex with her husband. If it is because he forgot to buy flowers for their anniversary it is likely to be punishment.
   
2. However, if they had an argument and she forgave him, but has not yet emotionally recovered from the argument, that is natural consequences.

For some people it can take time to recover emotionally even after forgiving. And, in fact, she will recover faster if he understands that it is not punishment.

The Bottom Line

Things will happen. You will occasionally feel slighted, disrespected and hurt - and you might feel that you need to teach your partner a lesson. However, know that even if you are successful in the short run, it will damage the relationship. Instead, forgive and seize the pain as an opportunity to get to know your partner. Talk about why he or she did that seemingly terrible thing and learn more about your partner. Turn a crisis into a relationship building opportunity!

Building a new relationship: are you over-reacting or does your partner have a potential alcohol problem? How can you tell? What should you do?

Usually people are on best behavior when dating, but what do we do if we really like the other person, but as time goes on, alcohol or other substance use appears to be a potential problem?  How does one determine if over-reacting to normal behavior is the problem, or if the behavior of alcohol abuse is the problem?

In the beginning of a dating relationship, there might be a glass of wine with dinner, or a beer at a sporting event. If things seem to be working out, spending more time together, hanging out with friends, family and longer visits may bring to light differences in attitudes about alcohol use. You both might feel that occasional indulgences are fine, regular moderate use is OK, or even that continuing college-age binge drinking is perfectly normal, but what happens when the people in a relationship do not agree? Do you:

• Drop the relationship?
• Put up with potential alcoholism?
  
• Love 'unconditionally' despite costs of alcohol abuse?

Ideally, persons entering serious, long-term committed relationships know who they are, who they want to be, and are aware of their values and beliefs - but realistically, our brains continue ethical and moral reasoning development into our 20s and 30s, and many of us are still trying to figure out who we are and what we want beyond those years as well. Our attitudes about substance use and abuse may be firm deal-breaking rules, but they may also change as the years go on, becoming broader or more rigid. Either way, these can be important issues to consider when dating and as relationships progress to marriage, and possibly children.

Don't Ignore Red Flags

If there are already disagreements in the relationship surrounding alcohol or substance use, consider this a warning flag. Whether these issues are 'differences of opinion' or problems with practical consequences such as job loss, traffic tickets, or financial difficulties, these probably will not magically disappear nor should one person go on with the hope of 'changing' someone else.  A person may feel the other is 'over-reacting' while the other may feel the subject is not being taken seriously enough. Issues of substance use can influence the success or failure of relationships, marriages, families, and individuals in life and therefore need to be appropriately addressed.

If there is abuse of any kind, please stop the relationship immediately and seek help. No risk of injury to self or others should be considered acceptable.

Working Things Out

Relationship support groups, pastoral counseling, reading self-help books together, or other methods may help you gain clarity. Understanding the full potential impact of disagreement regarding the use of substances is vital.

• What if you want to move in together? If one partner is unable to meet their financial commitments due to substance abuse, that may impact the relationship.
  
• If marriage and family are future considerations, then discussions may center on child-rearing – do both parties want to raise children in a home where substances are used?
• What if use crosses the line to substance abuse? What if one partner feels it is OK to supervise children while 'buzzed' but the other does not?
  

These are serious issues. Even if children are never anticipated, if the joy in a relationship comes from spending time together, but one partner is frequently unavailable – emotionally, intellectually or physically – due to substance use, then it is a serious issue.

Consider Seeking Couples Therapy

Couples therapy is not just for married persons – and it is definitely okay to want to address issues of substance use and potential substance abuse prior to marriage or other long term commitments.

Licensed professional counselors can provide a neutral third party, plus educational background and experience, and can help in assessing the potential for substance abuse and addiction. Counseling can also help both parties learn basic relationship negotiating skills, communication skills, and help with working toward future growth.

Unconditional Love?

What of the unconditional love argument? Perhaps one person has argued that if one truly loves another, that love is unconditional.

Unconditional love does not mean accepting unconditional relationships or unconditional living situations. It is possible to love someone, but not find it acceptable to continue in a relationship – if the boundaries are unhealthy, if the views on the use of substances are not compatible, or if there are other issues that are not negotiable.

Unconditional love is never the same as unconditional acceptance of behaviors.

The Bottom Line

Attitudes, beliefs, and actual use of alcohol and other substances are important matters in any relationship, and deserve an appropriate amount of attention. Don't 'let it go' out of a hope for future change, or be made to feel that one person's concerns are any less valid than any other's. In mature, healthy relationships, concerns are validated, addressed, and hopefully resolved to foster deepening love, commitment, and future growth.  

Image Copyright: Pedrosimoes7

Pent up anger and long held grudges can kill a relationship. Learn why we keep that anger and how to change for the better.

Have you ever been in an argument with your special someone when he or she brought-up some relationship-crime you committed years ago?

Most of us have, however, though this a natural and automatic process, it is counterproductive and usually harmful. If you continue to be angry about something that happened years ago, and bring it up during arguments, it can transform a small disagreement into a major fray. To prevent this, here are three goals to work on:

1. Release your past anger.
2. Don’t use anger to ‘save’ yourself.
3. Don’t use past anger to punish your partner.

Don’t Hold on to Your Anger

Studies show that forgiving increases your well-being. Unfortunately, some people struggle to forgive past indiscretions. You might believe that some crimes are unforgivable, but it is actually the harboring of the anger that is damaging - and even if the infraction is minor, festering anger can explode and damage the relationship.

Anger about the past is just not healthy, and since it tends to resurface when you feel angry again, it is like a minefield until it is cleared.

For example:

• Overworked and stressed out, you make a wise decision to get away for the weekend.
• You start to make some phone calls to find an inexpensive room and your spouse reminds you to make sure it is a clean room. 
• You ask, “Why are you nagging me about that?” 
• Your spouse says, “Don’t you remember what a mess the house was when I came back from a business trip? You clearly don’t care about cleanliness!”

And there goes the weekend get-a-way!

• Bringing up a negative past is likely to lead to an even larger disagreement. Forgiveness would have gone a long way to improving everyone's quality of life..

Don’t Use Your Anger to Save Yourself

If you are harboring anger it can come up in other scenarios. If you feel threatened because you are expecting to be blamed, it is not unusual to recall the past in order to divert the subject. For example:

1. You were supposed to pay the cable bill.
2. Sitting down for dinner you hear a courtesy call come through on the answering machine.
3. Your spouse asks why you didn’t pay the bill.
4. You respond with, “The same reason you haven’t taken care of the taxes yet!”

By retorting with an even greater problem you remind your spouse of their problems and suggest that you are the less guilty party. 

You’ve done nothing to resolve the problem and created an even bigger one. When using old grudges to save yourself, you will probably dig yourself into a bigger hole.

Don’t Use Your Anger to Punish

This use of pent up anger is really insidious. Even if you really believe that you shouldn’t be punishing your spouse, you can often “get away with it” by expressing “righteous” anger.

This often originates from the feeling that your partner has hurt or rejected you. Bringing up past anger issues puts the blame on the other person and makes them feel all the worse. 

This can happen when past issues are brought up, for example:

• Jack is planning a week-long business trip.
• Jacquie thinks she will be bored and lonely. 
• She brings up the time he was away for their anniversary or maybe Johnny’s kindergarten graduation to try and make him feel guilty and not go. 

People skilled in this form of negativity can get their own way, but the long term result is resentment, which can lead to contempt.

If contempt creeps into a relationship it leads to serious trouble.

Learning to Forgive

If you have difficulty letting go of the past, perhaps you still need to learn the skill of forgiving. Try starting slowly. Here are two suggestions:

Start with the Small Stuff

Work on forgiving the small things first. Find something that is annoying, but not terribly so. Consciously say to yourself that although it is annoying I forgive her/him. It is not worthwhile to get anybody upset. Then tell him/her about your forgiveness and mention that your love is still strong. Do it enough times that it stops feeling weird, and then progress to more serious annoyances.

Say It in Writing

A second method is to write notes of forgiveness. Everybody has their own favorite medium, so it can be in a text message, email or a hand-written note, but there are two important factors that you need to include in the note.

1. First that your being annoyed or upset is your problem and not his/her fault. 
2. And second, as in suggestion one, that your love is still strong.

 It is that tone of positivity that will do the trick.

Image Copyright: RLHyde

Find out how marriage therapy can save your relationship - even when your partner won't get involved.

Marriage therapy: sometimes only one of the two partners is willing to come to therapy. How can you work on your relationship if your partner won't come to therapy?

Read on for an exploration of your options and some likely outcomes in different situations, such as:

• When it's your issue that affects the relationship.
• When it's your partner's issues that affect the relationship.
• When external factors affect the relationship.
• When the major issue lies between both partners.

Considering Individual Marriage Therapy

When It's Your Issue That Affects the Relationship

This issue could be of many forms, for example:

• It could be that you engage in certain behaviors that put a strain on the relationship – this is common when you have an addiction problem.
• It could be as simple as always staying out later than you planned with “the guys” or “the gals”.
• It could be that you are feeling depressed and as a result you have withdrawn from your partner.

Whatever the reason, since you realize that your issue affects the relationship, you can use this opportunity to get counseling and improve yourself. This can help you and also help your relationship.

• In fact, if your partner sees that you are working on your issue to try and help the relationship, your partner may later become willing to come into therapy as well.
• This response is especially likely if previous marriage therapy didn’t help because you didn't change. When your partner sees that you are working to change they may believe that there is a chance that things can really improve.

When It's Your Partner's Issue

Usually, both parties contribute to the problem, even when it seems like one person causes all the difficulties.

• You may want to see a therapist to explore your role in the situation. This doesn't excuse your partner, it just helps you understand your situation and how you can thrive within it.
• Or, in some cases, therapy may help you realize that you need to get away from the problem because it is too much for you to handle.

A classic example would be dealing with the codependency that often comes with a partner's alcohol abuse.

When External Factors Affect the Relationship

When a couple faces challenges because of external factors, the ideal would be that you face the situation together and try to overcome the problems as a couple.

Examples of external factors could be:

• Conflict or death in the extended family.
• Natural disaster.

However, It's possible that you and your partner respond differently to external factors, particularly if related to a disaster or other crisis.

• If your partner naturally moves to flight while you naturally move to fight, this will cause the two of you additional stress as you get confused by each other’s response.

In a situation like this, it can make sense to get professional help, even if your partner is not yet ready to do this. 

Benefits:

• Therapy may help you to discover things you can bring back to the relationship to make the external factors less significant.
• Even if this does not happen, you may find better ways to cope with the situation.

When a Problem Comes from between Both Partners

This is the most difficult situation and it is best to have both partners present in therapy, however, it is not absolutely necessary.

Solo therapy can still help you:

• Deal with how the problem affects you and help you to see your role in the situation.
• Learn exercises that you can introduce to your partner.

In this style of therapy, the therapy actually is for both - through one.

Getting the Other Person Into Therapy

Here is a strategy that seems to be fairly effective – ask your partner to come to therapy to help you deal with your issues.

This stages the situation so everything isn't your partner's fault. No one likes being blamed for everything, so this makes entry into therapy a little easier.

Take-Home Messages

• Even if your partner won't try therapy, there is still hope for you and your relationship.
• There are things that you can do with a therapist that will help you experience a greater sense of peace and wholeness in your own life.
• In many cases, there are even things you can do with a therapist that will help resolve a relationship problem - even if your partner is not willing to come to therapy.
• It is also possible that once you start therapy, your partner may be willing to come to therapy later.

Image Copyright: BerleWPhotography

Although nobody can guarantee a successful marriage, here are the attitudes you need as a couple to build a happy lifetime partnership.

A student approached me this past Valentines’ Day to tell me that she had decided to get married. She wanted some advice. After forty years of marriage and thirty years helping couples, I’ve come up with a few rules that seem to work. No one person can guarantee a successful marriage, but two people with the right mindset can work wonders. Marital satisfaction is all about your attitude. Here are ten key concepts that can bolster a proper attitude and help you form a mindset that best ensures a successful marriage.

1. Problems Are Opportunities

When two people build their lives together, they remain two people. As a couple you will always have differences and disagreements. However, differences do not make problems, it is the attitude towards the differences that creates problems. When one person’s issues become problematic in the relationship it can be an opportunity to learn about and understand the depths of that partner’s emotions and history. The best way to bond in a relationship is by helping your partner deal with his or her issues through understanding and compassion.

2. Caring for Yourself Isn't Selfish

A strong relationship can survive even serious illness, but it might not survive self-neglect. As you care for yourself physically, socially, intellectually and emotionally you become more mature and you can contribute to a more mature and fully bloomed intimate relationship. Strive to become a more interesting person, and if you need any convincing about this - imagine how it would feel if you cared for somebody who neglected him or herself; that would ruin the relationship over time.

3. Infatuation Is Good but It's Not What You See in the Movies

Let’s face it; falling in love is fun, but you can't build a really good relationship on infatuation alone.

Marriage is about life, and life also includes all those things that we don’t really like. Yes, it is important to keep the spark alive, but you cannot expect it to remain a burning fire for life. Strive for a mature love that's based on shared experiences, meeting challenges together and appreciating the full range of each other’s qualities.

4. Intimacy Is the Key - Not Sex

When I ask my students to define intimacy, at least a third of them think sex. I tell them that although I have been happily married for over 40 years, as a therapist, hundreds of women have been intimate with me - you should see their faces.

I then define intimacy: It is the ability to open up your soft spots without the fear of getting hurt, and it can be intellectual, emotional or physical.

• With a good teacher, you are not afraid to show that you do not understand something because she will be supportive and won’t insult you – intellectual intimacy.
  
• With a good therapist, you can share your fears, embarrassments, anxieties, etc. and expect to be supported and understood – emotional intimacy.

A marriage needs work in all three areas. When your partner shares a difficulty or a fault, it is important to view it as his or her struggle to overcome and that your job is to support that struggle.

5. Relationships Have a Life of Their Own

One of the toughest things for young couples to imagine is what marriage will be like after many years. This should not be surprising; can an eight year old imagine what it is like to be 18?

In fact, you should not want your marriage to be static and unchanging, since nothing in life ever stays the same.

• If you have children, they grow and present new challenges.
  
• If you have grandchildren, sharing those pleasures and problems has its own special effects on your marriage.
  
• When your spouse decides to take on a new job, career, or hobby, your relationship will grow and mature.
  

A mature relationship looks and feels different than a young relationship - and achieving one is very satisfying.

6. You Can’t Change Your Spouse

You have probably heard this a million times but one more reminder won't hurt - nothing you can do can force your spouse to become your dream partner. It takes enough effort to change and better yourself; that is all you can do. Unfortunately, any efforts to change your spouse will almost certainly backfire. Even if he or she does change because of your cajoling, resentment is likely to creep in and poison the relationship.

7. Make Marriage a Priority

Your “to do” list can get very long, and projects may take on a life of their own. Your work and career may be important, but they should exist to serve your significant relationship. Keep your marriage on the top of the priority list. Making money, children, extended family and social relationships can take up so much time that there’s little room for the marriage. When marriage gets pushed back, you need to redouble your commitment to the marriage and dedicate time for that special date or fun excursion.

This is true even when you are working on a project together. While working on projects and meeting challenges together is essential for a good marriage, it must be balanced with fun, excitement and romance.

8. Forgiveness and Gratitude Makes for a Happier Marriage

In the past 15 years there has been a huge amount of psychological research into the benefits of forgiving and expressing gratitude. The acts of forgiving and expressing gratitude are 2 foundations for a person’s sense of well-being. In other words, when you make it a habit to forgive your spouse and thank her or him on a regular basis, it does wonders for your own health and creates an upward cycle of positivity that will permeate your marital relationship.

9. Work on the Sanctity of Your Marriage

Sanctity means that outside influences will not damage your marriage. A good spouse is hard to find, and being a good person increases the possibility that someone else will be desirous. It takes effort to protect your marriage from the outside world. There is currently a debate on whether men and women can actually remain “just friends.” While it might be possible, it is dangerous to have a heterosexual friendship, even platonic, that is not part of the marriage.

In addition, it is important to not let family dictate the atmosphere of your marriage. Relatives might want to “help” by telling you how to behave in your marriage. You need to set healthy boundaries with friends and family members.

Try to continue learning about relationships - in a recent study, it was shown that couples who watch romantic movies together and discuss them afterwards have healthier marriages.

10. Focus on What You Have

People tend to think that the grass is greener on the other side. Even if sometimes it is greener, in marriage, the pursuit of the greener will wilt your side.

Consider the pitfalls - that gorgeous, sweet, compassionate, passionate person that does not belong to you can only mess things up.

1. If he or she belongs to someone else; you can’t have a successful relationship with somebody who cheats.
2. If he or she does not, do you really think you can have a successful relationship with somebody who will go with a cheater?

It is not much better if you think about wealth that is in somebody else’s hands. Thinking about what you do not have is a prescription for misery. When you focus on what you have, savor the good in what you have and contemplate how it will get even better, you will find happiness and satisfaction.

Image Copyright: BurpSean

Even the most "solid" couple can struggle when one partner, or both, contract any type of chronic ailment. Some might think that it is "not cancer" or "not life-threatening" and should therefore be "easy" to deal with.... but any time there is a change in the functioning of people in a relationship, that relationship faces stress.

"Oh, it's just age catching up to us".... or "it's just diabetes," or "everybody gets high blood pressure".... whatever the "minor" problem might be, any type of ongoing physical issue can impact a relationship.  Whether it is a "bad back" or aching joints, skin conditions, allergies, decreased tolerance to alcohol, fatigue, or any of those things that we won't die from immediately, can still affect both parties in a couple.

Physical Ailments Cause Emotional Changes

For the person who has the illness or condition, coming to terms with its effects and needed lifestyle changes can cause serious distress.  Feeling tired, aching, or having to begin taking medications on a routine basis (which may have side effects), changes in current abilities, for example, can lead to feelings of frustration, anger, sadness.  One may also feel useless, or just feel guilty about having a decreased ability to "help out" around the house, for example.  There may be feelings of "it's my life" and a denial of a need to change in order to gain or maintain better health.

For the other partner, he may feel a wide range of emotions.  There may be sadness at loss of activities, resentment at having to take on more work, guilt for having those feelings, and empathy for the ailing partner.  One may feel like blaming the other partner for not having taken care of him/herself, or may experience frustration as the other person struggles to adjust.  There may be feelings of angst as the dream of "spending our retirement together" changes.

The Importance of Communication

For both partners, communication and understanding are necessary coping tools.  Although many effects of the ailment(s) are dealt with on an individual level, it is even more important for clear communication to occur.  Support and "walking in someone else's shoes" are vital.  Working out new relationship responsibilities and facing the new health issues together will help couples move forward.  Delineating healthy boundaries of responsibility and cooperation is also important.  

Support groups, self-help books, and couples counseling are some resources for assistance.  It is perfectly okay and normal to experience stress at any change and adjustment, even if it seems "minor."  Chronic or ongoing changes in physical health can definitely cause stress, and couples should feel it is okay to seek help in finding ways to cope. 

It's OK to Ask for Help!

We all get older, and most of us will face some type of health issue or chronic ailment at some point in our lives - if we are part of a couple, then our "couplehood" will inevitably be affected.  Some couples will ride it out with ease, but it is also possible and normal for stress, frustration and other adjustment-related feelings to cloud even the "best" relationships.  It IS okay to acknowledge and seek help if it doesn't seem so easy.  Life is short and our time with our beloved partners is even shorter - so let's make the best of it that we can!  

Image Copyright: AmslerPIX

Want a quick and easy way to improve your relationship? Try listening instead of talking for a change!!! To start with take this quick self test to assess your listening skills and areas of weakness, and then learn 14 simple listening skills to start using right away.

Poor communication skills decrease your ability to build and maintain satisfying relationships… and for many people, communication problems are basically just listening problems.

Are you a good listener?

Could you be a better listener?

If better listening skills lead to better relationships and better relationships increase life satisfaction and happiness… would investing a little time and effort to improve your powers of attention make any sense?

Here’s how to start:

Step 1 – Take a quick self test and find out whether you’re a good listener or not.

Step 2 – If the results of the test show that you need to work on your listening, continue on to the end of the article and learn 14 easy listening improvement skills.

Test Your Listening Powers:¹

Answer each of the following questions with either:

• Rarely or never
• Frequently or always

1. Do you ever pretend like you’re paying attention when you’re not?
2. Do you ever get distracted by outside noises or stimuli when listening to someone talk?
3. Do you find yourself planning what you will say next while your conversation partner is still talking?
4. Do you ever interrupt others?
5. Do you ever finish other people’s sentences?
6. Does your mind ever wander during a conversation?
7. Do you focus on the words being said and conveniently ignore the feelings that lurk below the words?

If you answered rarely or never to most of these questions, then you probably have excellent listening skills - If you answered frequently or always to most of the question…you probably don’t.

Be a Better Listener – Be an Active Listener

It’s called active listening because though it’s something we imagine happens naturally – good listening isn’t passive; when we engage purposefully, we get far more out of our daily interactions.

Need to work on your social skills? Maybe start with your listening skills! Researchers at Louisiana State University tested students on measures of active and empathetic listening, and found that students with poor listening skills also tended to be students with lower scores on measures of general social skills, like emotional sensitivity, skills in verbal expression, tact and social sensitivity.²

You can become a better listener and enjoy better communication and more satisfying relationships – and you can get started today. Here’s how – start with the following take-home assignment.

Build Your Listening Skills - an Assignment

Need to work on your listening skills? Motivated to actually try to change and improve yourself?  If so, read this list of 14 ideas and pick a couple to incorporate into your interactions over the coming week - and if you’ve got someone you feel comfortable talking with about your listening skills, ask them for feedback on how you’re doing and on what you still need to work on.

And then once you’ve mastered the first couple, come back next week and pick a couple more to try, and so on and so forth.

14 Simple Listening Skills to Try

1. Paraphrase

Nothing tells a person you’ve been paying attention like being able to paraphrase what they’ve been communicating. So keep your mouth closed and your ears open and pay attention until your conversation partner stops talking. When it’s your turn to talk, start out by paraphrasing their message in a couple of sentences.

2. Face your conversation partner directly and maintain eye contact

It’s easier to stay focused on your conversation partner when you stay visually engaged (so don’t let your eyes wander over to the TV or to other distractions.)

3. Offer genuine and encouraging verbal feedback

It’s hard to talk to someone who returns stony silence. Don’t interrupt, but toss in a few murmured hmms, ahas, or OKs every now and again to reassure your conversation partner of your attention and engagement.

4. Offer genuine and encouraging non-verbal feedback

Head nods and other forms of non-verbal contact also encourage your conversation partner and show your interest and engagement.

5. Fight hard to resist non-encouraging non-verbal feedback

Whatever you do, don’t look at your watch! Also avoid foot tapping, pen drumming or other nervous gestures.³

Certain types of body language reveal your inattention, hostility or boredom and certain types transmit interest and enjoyment.

• Avoid fidgeting, cracking your knuckles or crossing your arms in front of you.
• Instead, try smiling (when something’s funny), leaning into your concentration partner and tilting your head to show interest.⁴

6. If possible choose an environment that facilitates an open exchange of ideas

Don’t be like the boss who makes you sit in a low chair in front of her massive desk.

If seated, try to remove physical barriers between and find chairs that put you both at equal levels, arranged at a space apart that’s comfortable to both.

7. Get distracting devices out of your hands

Can you resist the impulse to glance at your phone or tablet during conversations - If you can’t (which is probably the case!) then you’ll listener better if you stow distracting devices before you engage in conversation.

8. Ask appropriate questions

Appropriate questions encourage your partner to keep talking and expand on what they’ve been saying. They also help you to understand the message of the interaction…and they keep you from talking too much!

9. Don’t talk too much

Good listening demands that close your mouth and open your ears. Try saying half as much as you want to and listening twice as hard as you usually do.

10. Get comfortable with silences

You don’t have to fill every space with words.

Silence..............

Sometimes allowing periods of silence lets each person think carefully about what to say next, without having to think while the other person talks.

11. Avoid interrupting or finishing sentences

You can’t listen while you’re talking. Finishing another person’s sentences cuts them short and shows that you’ve been thinking of what you want to say while they were still talking.

12. Pay attention and try to understand

Don’t just hear what you want to hear. Pay close attention to the words, the subtext, the tone of voice and the non-verbal signals - and add it all up to decode the true meaning of your partner’s words.

13. Avoid trying to problem-solve while listening

When listening just listen – and then think after. You can’t devote your full attention to a conversation as you also devise solutions to your conversation partner's problems.

14. Respond to the message, not the person

Don’t let your emotions hijack your ability to engage in meaningful conversation. Even if you don’t care for a person you’re speaking with, try to avoid letting this color your thinking – try reacting to the ideas, and not to the person behind them.⁵

Image Copyright: Jonathon Kos-Read

Sure, things aren’t great… but are they bad enough to warrant couples counseling? Probably better to err on the side of caution, but if you’re really not sure, take this quick and easy self test designed to diagnose a relationship in distress.

Know there’s something wrong but not sure if your relationship has deteriorated to the point of no return?

The first rule of relationship resuscitation is to avoid letting things get terminal before seeking counseling – after all, the earlier you go, the better your odds of salvaging a potentially great union.

Still not sure? Well, to make it easier on yourself, ask yourself these 12 quick and easy questions – and the more yes answers you rack-up, the greater the likelihood that you need some professional intervention.

Need for Couples Counseling Self Test

According to Dr.David Olson¹, a marriage researcher and professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota, yes answers to any of the following questions indicate a relationship in distress.

1. Do you find yourself often finding fault and or criticizing your partner?

2. Do you often wish you’d never gotten into this relationship in the first place?
3. Do you often think about and wish your partner would change in some way?
4. Do you find that you spend less time engaged with your partner than you used to and more time withdrawn into yourself?
5. Do your worries about your relationship cause you stress, tension, depression or headaches?
6. Have you or your partner recently increased drug or alcohol consumption?
7. Does it seem like old fights and disagreements never get resolved and instead keep popping back up over and over again?
8. Do you frequently (all the time) argue about trivial issues that really don’t matter at all?
9. Are you apprehensive about revealing your true feelings of anger or frustration to your partner?
10. Has your sex life deteriorated, either in terms of frequency or quality?
11. Have you become involved with another person, either physically or emotionally?
12. Do your children ever take sides in your disagreements, either for or against you?

What’s your score?

Couples counseling need not be a last ditch effort to save a relationship, ideally, it’s something you consider before things deteriorate to conflict and contempt.

1. It doesn’t take long (it’s solution focused) and when it works it can improve communication, respect and intimacy.
2. Relationships that provide the support, companionship and emotional intimacy we all desire tend to make us happier.
3. If a few weeks of couples counseling could improve your relationship and in doing so increase your happiness and fulfillment, then wouldn’t that be time and money well spent?

Image Copyright: Matt Madd

All couples have differences. When the partners come from different cultures the differences are more pronounced. Learn about the 4 styles of intercultural relationships and about how to cope with (and celebrate!) differences.

We've come a long way in this country in terms of racial and cultural integration.

I teach in a two-year college in Manhattan that serves mostly urban minorities. Most of my students report that they have no problems being in an interracial or intercultural relationship. However, almost all of the students who have been in such relationships report having problems either from their parents or from the reactions of general society when they go out.

This, of course, is not only between Caucasian and African-American couples but also between Hispanic and African-American couples, Chinese and American Indian couples, Caucasian and Malaysian couples - and any other type of intercultural or interracial union.

Since society still holds onto some traditional prejudices there are therefore still special challenges in building healthy intercultural relationships. More importantly, many of the strategies used by successful intercultural marriages can be used by people in intracultural (from the same culture) marriages. In fact, whenever two people establish a long-term intimate relationship there are always differences in "culture", and each side has to negotiate how much of their own family's culture needs to be put into the new relationship.

In a recent article appearing in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, by Gita Seshadri and Carmen Knudson-Martin¹, interracial and intercultural marriages were analyzed and four successful coping strategies were described. Three of them are applicable to all couples, even couples who are from the same race and culture (see the end of the article for these!) But before we get to the various coping strategies, first we need to understand the basic structures that all couples adopt to deal with differences.

These 4 structures are:

1. Integrated
2. Coexisting
   
3. Singularly Assimilated
4. Unresolved
   

Four Systems for Dealing with Differences

1. Integrated Couples

When each partner validates the other's point of view and there is open communication about what is liked and disliked about each culture then the couple is on the way to being integrated.

If Kim (from a Korean background) is married to Rodney (Caribbean) they might have had very different diets in their parents' homes. If they are mutually interested in the background of the partner, and Rodney learns and cooks galbi and Kim learns and cooks plantains then we might say that they are acting in a manner of an integrated couple. In other words, integrated couples show mutual curiosity and consistently validate the partner's point of view.

Of course, validation can happen even if they don't agree - they can still cook the galbi, even if he decides it's not to his liking.

In an intracultural relationship the discussion might be about how to celebrate the Fourth of July.

2. Coexisting Couples

In coexisting couples each side respects the other but is not really willing to get involved with the other person's style of living. This is often the style that people adopt when they marry somebody of another religion.

In coexisting couples the basic message seems to be that what he/she does is nice or cute, but just leave me out of it (It also includes a message that what he or she does is okay because I can ignore it.)

3. Singularly Assimilated Couples

Some couples seem to work on the assumption that one spouse's culture is better or "more correct" than the other, and he will adapt to her family's customs and culture – or she will adopt his.

This is sometimes extremely useful. For example, in a couple where one partner came from a lower economic-class home and the other from a middle or upper-class home, there will be aspects of life that they might see as more correct due to what is expected and accepted in their present social standing.

This is also true for cross-cultural couples. While it is perfectly acceptable in some cultures to reach across the table to get the food you want, in American culture it is usually accepted that a person asks for the food to be passed to him or her. If you're raising a family in the United States it is probably helpful to consider American table manners as "right" and to consider foreign table manners as inappropriate.

On the other hand, consider that in one culture it might be considered brazen to talk to the person sitting next to you on the airplane, and in another it is thought of as good manners. In a singularly assimilated couple both partners accept the “rulings” of one culture as better or more appropriate than the other.

4. Unresolved or Conflictual Couples

There are people who just don't know what to do with the different cultures they're bringing into the marriage. Many times they will just ignore the differences and leave those issues as "unresolved."

At times conflict will arise around these unresolved issues. If we go back to the example of whether it is appropriate or not to talk to somebody sitting next to you on the plane, a simple friendly conversation could be perceived in a way that would evoke dangerous jealousy.

Three Strategies for Coping with Differences

In truth, while most couples gravitate toward one of the aforementioned structures, they tend to have some sort of combination of all four, and differences will always arise, from time to time.

So regardless of how a couple structures their relationship, they will still always need to learn to cope with and resolve differences.

There are three main strategies for coping with differences. These three strategies are:

1. Creating a “We”
2. Framing Differences
3. Emotional Maintenance

1. Creating a “We”

One successful way of dealing with daily differences is by creating the sense that as partners in this relationship we are something special and unique. This is called creating a "we".

• This can be done by forcing a sense of friendship. If you cultivate the feeling that we are good friends, we have fun together, we forget our mistakes - and there are some negatives that get ignored out of friendship, there will be a sense of togetherness that will help ease any conflict.
  
• Another flavor of the "we" comes when the partners share some sort of common ground. If they can point to a value system which unites them then the differences in background and culture and family traditions can become secondary. It might not make a big difference if I really don't like her food because we are both devout (fill in the religion of choice), and that's so much more important.
  
• Similar to the idea of common ground is the idea of similar goals. Common ground refers to values and foundational beliefs while goals refer to something that has to be worked toward and will happen in the future. This can be a financial goal, such as buying a house and paying off the mortgage or a social goal, such as getting a candidate elected.
  
• The last way of creating a "we" is somewhat simple, but seems to engender a very strong sense of "we". This is by working together over time with commitment. Spending weeks, months, and years keeping family first and staying loyal and faithful to the family builds a very strong feeling of mutual commitment.

2. Framing Differences

It is also useful to have a framework for viewing differences instead of ignoring them. Here are some of the strategies that have been found to be helpful.

1. View the differences as secondary in the relationship. Recognize that there are differences but that the other aspects of the relationship and the people in it are much more important.
2. Sharing differences as an attraction. Especially when it is an interracial relationship - "Sure I love pink, but chocolate is even better!"
3. Flexibility, respect, and understanding. When confronted with cultural differences, even if you cannot accept them into your own life, it is important to understand that other people might have different ways and to respect that. If you're going to your in-laws' house, and they come from someplace in the Middle East and don't always use a knife and fork for their meals, it is important to respect that - or at the very minimum, to not make fun or denigrate the custom.
4. Differences are something to learn about. Even better than flexibility, respect and understanding - if you show a genuine curiosity and openness to learn about the differences that your partner is bringing into the relationship you will likely foster a great deal of positive feelings.
5. Celebration and appreciation of the partner's culture...And one step up from curiosity is to celebrate the differences.

3. Emotional Maintenance

Even the best of couples experience difficulties and conflict -  so how does one maintain stability when the boat is rocked by different cultural perspectives too?

For this there are three main strategies: communication of emotions and or insecurities, making adjustments, and finding support.

1. Communication of emotions and or insecurities. It important to talk about the perceived differences. Being open and honest can help with understanding.
2. Making adjustments around culture. Even though this is the core characteristic of couples who are not conflictual, making adjustments can sometimes be very trying. In a couple where she is from Argentina and he is from Great Britain, she might have to "cool it" a bit but he might need to learn how to be a little more excited.
3. Finding support as a couple. Talking to friends who are in similar situations can be extremely helpful to give perspective on any particular difficulties. And then there are times where friends are not enough and it is useful to engage a professional coach or therapist.

Improving Your Relationship!

Look at your relationship. See where you and your partner fall in the categories of integrated, assimilated, coexisting or conflictual.

Then look at the tools you use to make the relationship work. You can then decide on how to increase the sense of "we", how to view and deal with the differences, or perform some sort of emotional maintenance.

Image Copyright: Khamal Zharif

There are 4 styles of relationships in a marriage. None are all good or all bad - the trick is in finding a balance! Learn about the 4 different styles and about how you can incorporate all into your romantic relationship.

Not too long ago I was talking to a friend about a young couple we know. I was saying how cute they are, being young and in love. Although they are in their twenties, they are like two teenagers, she hangs on to his every word, and he follows her around like a puppy dog. My friend was much more cynical. She said that they are in trouble. You can't have a marriage like that. She is too dependent on him. She goes out of her way to be home when he comes home. He gets anxious when she comes home late. My friend said that they are on the road to self destruction.

My friend has a point. My friend has been married for quite a few years, and has two children. If she were to run her life in the same way as the young couple she might be in big trouble. So who is right? Am I correct in saying that they have a healthy relationship, or is my friend right in saying that they have an unbalanced relationship? Or maybe we are both right? Or maybe even both wrong?

Obviously not a simple question. To really understand what makes up a healthy marital relationship, we need to get a good idea of the types of relationships.

The young couple was showing signs of being "in love." We all know what that means, though many do not know what that does not mean. Being in love does not necessarily mean that you have the full repertoire of love or loving behaviors. It really means being infatuated (hugging) and it is only one of four basic styles of relationships.

The 4 Styles of Romantic Relationships:

The four styles are called...

1. Hugging
2. Supporting
3. Leaning
4. Standing

Hugging

The names are taken from exercises illustrating the styles. You can try it yourself. Take a partner and hug each other. This is illustrative of that infatuation relationship. "I love you. I need you. Hold me and tell me that you'll never let me go!"

It is stuff of teenage music. It is certainly not a bad thing. In fact, as we get older we often long for those days, early in our relationship when the fire was burning and the feeling of always wanting our partner powered each waking moment. It is the feeling of holding each other tight.

But what happens when we are always holding each other tight? How will it feel when one side wants to go in one direction and the other partner in a different direction? There is a great danger of feeling abandoned and lonely. If the hugging is so successful that you feel like one entity, there is a danger of losing a real part of your "self."

Supporting

But you might say, "infatuation doesn't even last for a long time. It fades away after a few months or a year." That's true. Most people change their relationship style. Some faster, and some slower, but it does happen. So we need to understand the other styles.

The second is called supporting. This is when one side of the couple supports the other. I worked with a couple like this. He is good at his job and likes it, but is not interested in much else, and she is really good at running the finances, the house, the social life, etc.

While it was a great arrangement at the beginning of the marriage, this type of relationship became the only way that they related to each other. She supported him in all of the tasks that he didn't really want to do, just because she was actually better at most things. She would call all the shots, in every area of life that they shared.

She actually liked to be in charge, so they could not see anything wrong with this style of life. But it became a burden. She complained that he had it easy and all of the work of running their life, except for bringing in the dough, was on her. When she said that he felt like a heavy load on her back I asked them to play out the roles in reverse. I suggested that he get on his hands and knees and for her to take off her shoes and stand on his back and asked her if that would illustrate the way she feels. Would it give him a feeling of what it felt like to be in her position?

She agreed and was eager to show him what it is like. They did it and I asked them what it felt like. On the bottom, he said that she was a bit heavy, and he certainly could not do it for long. Did he feel safe? He said yes. He wasn't going to do anything wild, but since he was in control, nothing much would happen to him besides getting very tired.

What about her? I did not have to ask her how she felt. She wanted off right away. She was scared. He could move too fast and she would fall. She was afraid that he would get up and she could fall and break her neck. I asked her, "If you had to stay there what would you need him to do?" She answered, "I would do everything I could to keep him in that position so I wouldn't wind up on the floor."

Is this the way he felt in the relationship? Well, yeah. In fact, the one who is being supported is in a much more precarious position. The side that is doing the supporting gets tired, but the side that is being supported lives with more anxiety.

Leaning

Now you will tell me, "Nobody wants to be supported. We are supported by our parents when we are children, but we don't want our partners to be our parents. But we all need someone we can lean on."

I'll tell you, "Let's try it!"

Take your partner and stand facing each other. Put your hands on your partner's hands, palm on palm. Lean on your partner and take a few steps backwards. It is not as bad as hugging; after all you can look around, learn new things, and talk to other people.

It is not as bad as supporting since you are both equal, nobody is being taken advantage of.

But do you feel safe?

What will happen if one partner decides to walk away? The other will fall flat on his or her face. Not a good scene.

Standing

So we come to the last metaphor: standing.

Each partner is standing on his or her own two feet and they are holding hands. This is the ideal for a good relationship. Or is it? Each partner can decide to go and do what he or she wants and the other is not going to fall or be damaged. They can share both good and bad experiences. The trick is to be standing on your own two feet. So it sounds ideal, right

This is what my friend was talking about in regards to the young couple. They cannot be hugging all the time; they need to stand on their own two feet.

Finding a Balance Between the 4 Styles

But here's the problem: Life is not like that. Life is full of trouble and problems. There are times when we need to be supported. And, yes, we all need someone we can lean on. But not all the time. The trick is not to always lean, but to say, "if you want to, you can lean on me." And life without hugging can get pretty dry and boring. We need some regular dosing of infatuation, adolescent type excitement, even after decades of marriage.

Here’s the solution. We need to use all the styles. There are times when every one of us needs support. Never get stuck in one pattern. Try the exercises and learn to recognize the feelings, and if leaning, supporting or even hugging gets to be too much, take care to alter your patterns.

There are times when you both need to be supported. Make sure you switch off and have times when each of you feels supported.

• There are times when you need to lean on your partner.
  
• When it gets too much and in danger of becoming a regular pattern, add some hugging to the mix.
  
• If one of you are feeling smothered from too much hugging, maybe some support is called for.
  

But the default position, the home base, the goal to get back to is the standing style. Just don’t be afraid to use the others when ever needed.

Image Copyright: Auzigog

Passive aggressive behavior is increasingly common in the mainstream and allows folks to be hurtful while also avoiding direct conflict. Holding others accountable for what they say and do allows us to reduce misunderstandings and attain more effective communication and relations.

Passive aggressive behavior is a manipulative form of communication that allows a person to avoid accountability. It’s generally used by those who fear conflict, vulnerability, and/or lack conviction regarding what they want and need. It stands in stark contrast to genuine and direct communication and yet forwards an agenda.

Passive aggressive communication is often non verbal. Folks give disapproving glances, raised eye brows, or a shrug of indifference with the expectation that these actions will result in very specific desired outcomes.

Unfortunately, success through these means generally occurs at the cost of hurt feelings and a sense of rejection to the person being manipulated.

Say What You Mean

Passive aggression makes use of rhetorical questions. We ask, “Do you have to do that?” In truth this is not a question but rather a disapproving statement. We don’t expect an answer. We expect that people will either yield or protest.

1. If they comply with our poorly expressed wishes we have achieved our ends
2. If they protest, we can deflect conflict by suggesting that their response is disproportionate and unwarranted

Guilt trips are the most common form of passive aggression. Loved ones play the martyr and suggest that, “No, really it’s fine. You go have your fun. I’ll just stay here and nurse myself back to health. I don’t mind at all.” This is a mixed message that is clearly dishonest yet it allows the speaker to avoid responsibility for being hurtful.

• At face value they are offering to sacrifice. Below the surface they are hoping to inspire sacrifice.

Sarcasm can be a quick and easy form of passive aggression. Folks utilize a tone to indicate that what they’re saying is the exact opposite of what they mean.

• Perhaps they seek to be ironic or humorous as a means of showing their feelings without speaking their feelings. “Can I carry your purse? Are you kidding me? This is the kind of thing I live for!”

Passive Aggressive = Shallow & Superficial

Folks who are at all happy with themselves and their lives rarely if ever feel the need to be passive aggressive. If it is one’s goal to be petty, catty or to simply get one’s digs in, the backhanded compliment works especially well. “That’s a great dress! I had one just like it ten years ago when it was in fashion!”

Passive aggressive behavior is often viewed as distinctly feminine and effeminate behavior. It’s a big part of how women are hurtful to one another and it’s stereotypically perceived as common amongst gay men. “Oh, you’ve been working out? Huh…”

It’s hard to conceptualize being snarky as something that could be at all satisfying, but it depends entirely on one’s goal. Misery loves company. If you want to get under someone’s skin, plant a seed of doubt within them... “I’ve been hearing some gossip around the office – nothing specific – but are you in trouble with the boss?”

Dealing with Passive Aggressiveness Effectively

To be “passive aggressive” is to play a game. Unwittingly, others play along because to respond otherwise is to contradict social norms of taking what others say and do at face value. Let’s be literal for just a moment - to be passive aggressive is to show aggression mildly.

1. Assertive Communication

I am a proponent of calling a spade a spade. This requires going deeper than the superficiality of indirect communication. When I sense that someone is trying to put me on a guilt trip; I say things like, “Hey it feels like you’re trying to put me on a guilt trip.” My goal is to be assertive but not aggressive. This approach takes a degree of security within oneself and a willingness to have conflict.

2. Active Listening

For folks who are less receptive to conflict I suggest using active listening skills. These strategies allow one to reflect what’s being heard in a way that offers others the opportunity to be accountable and/or affords them the opportunity to “save face.” Check in with the person you’re communicating with, "It sounds like you're saying ______, did I understand you correctly?

Let’s Talk about How We Communicate

Being passive aggressive shows a lack of integrity in at least some part of a person’s life. Addressing this is something we often struggle with in the moment and later feel the moment has passed. I encourage folks not to wait for the next shining example of the behavior we object to, but rather to talk openly about talking openly.

I’ve suggested this time tested recipe for folks who struggle to “find the right words”:

• “When you______, I feel________, and I wish_________. “

Example: When you speak to me in a sing song voice, I feel condescended to and I wish you would be more aware of your tone of voice when you speak to me.

In the long term, passive aggressive behavior will always damage a relationship. Better to have uncomfortable moments in discussion than distance in our relationships.

Image Copyright: Emanuele Rosso

When might a couple benefit from couples counseling? Anytime! But if that's too vague, here are some indicators that a couple might use to gauge their potential need for couples counseling.

How do you know if it's just a bump in the path, or whether it's a slump in the road of your 'happily ever after' journey?

Counseling can almost always be helpful, whether there are clinical issues, large relationship problems, or you're just seeking a better relationship.  However, if you are wondering about when to seek counseling...

... here are 5 signs that you need couples counseling:

Unresolved Continuing/ Repeating Conflict, Including Cheating.

If there is any conflict that has escalated to unbearable heights, or either party has resorted to unfair fighting or if there is no sign of improvement, perhaps due to stonewalling or refusing to work towards solutions, seek help.

This can mean infidelity, thoughts of considering infidelity, that feeling of "we are just going to argue about this again, and get nowhere," or hiding significant actions, thoughts or deeds to avoid a confrontation. 

No couple is going to agree on everything for all eternity, but if there are important matters that continue to strain a relationship, the sooner those issues are brought under control, the happier everyone can be. 

One or Both Parties Are Unhappy with State or Direction of Relationship.

Maybe it is a "mid-life" crisis.  Maybe it is a general feeling of "growing apart," or just "going through the motions."  Most relationships require nurturing and renewal, as well as adjustments for ages and stages.  Counseling can provide education, information, and help find new ways of relating. 

Any Violence, Destruction, Abuse or Threats of any Unacceptable Behavior.  Any Substance Abuse. 

These are major red-flags.  Even if it was "only once" or "well, my partner is just really stressed right now," anytime a relationship has strayed into any of these types of territories, intervention or at the very least, information, is needed immediately.  If there are children involved, the safety and health of the children must come first.  Contact your local crisis intervention resource as soon as possible or nearest substance abuse center for educational assistance and advice.   

Unable to Carry out Everyday Activities. 

If tension in the relationship is causing either party to miss work, discontinue personal or household maintenance, or long-held hobbies or activities, it may be useful to seek help.  Certainly we all may experience times when we just need a break.  However, if it goes on for too long or endangers the financial or physical stability of the couple or family, counseling can assess the needs, and guide the way towards solutions.

Anything Affecting Quality of Relationships or Time Spent Nurturing Relationships. 

Health issues, depression, unwelcome habits, new hobbies, or major life changes can all affect the nature of our relationships and the time we have to spend with those we love.  We are not born automatically knowing everything we need to know to thrive in every possible relationship, so counseling can help us see things we might be "too close" to see, provide new insights and new skills, and help couples figure out how to navigate the new and ever-changing waters of life.  

In general, anytime either party in a relationship might feel something isn't going well or needs to change or simply wants to enhance what is there, counseling can be a great benefit.  Life is short, and the time we have with our primary relationships/significant others is even shorter.  Why not invest a little time to make the time we do have together the best it can be!

Image Copyright: Josh Kenzer