While complete internet abstinence might be best, going offline for good isn’t a reasonable option for many. Here are 10 strategies to help you control your surfing for those times when you have to be online.

If you’re like many sex addicts; the internet is a dangerous place to be.

Online, temptation is everywhere, access is immediate and your actions are totally anonymous - and for sex addicts, this makes for a dangerously seductive cocktail of opportunity.

If you’re like most people, however, getting offline for good isn’t really a viable option, so you have to learn strategies to limit the temptations of the internet and techniques to overcome the urges that will surely emerge as you browse a web full of triggers.

Here are 10 tips recommended by the people at Sex Addicts Anonymous for controlling yourself when you have to go online.

10 Ways to Control Your Internet Use

1. If possible, especially if you are newly in recovery from sexual addiction, take a complete break from the internet for a while. You don’t have to abstain forever – only for as long as it takes you to build up a base of abstinence and a bit more self control.

2. Erase all sexual images, bookmarks, passwords, emails and anything else related to sexual connections or pornography from all your computers and hand held devices. There is no good reason to hang on to any of this stuff so this is an easy one and it’s something you can do right now.

3. If you have the support of a non sex addicted loved one, you can use their assistance at times when you have to go online for some purpose.

Make an agreement with this person that at times when you have to go online you will call immediately before signing on and you will call immediately after logging off – to report back that you did not engage in any sexual activity while online.

Entering into this voluntary accountability agreement can help keep you focused on your task while online and shore up your resolve to avoid temptation.

4. Move your computer to an area of the house or office where it is visible to family or co workers at all times. By reducing the privacy of your environment you reduce the frequency of opportunity.

5. Use your real full name in usernames and email addresses. By avoiding anonymity you avoid behaviors that you do not wish affiliated with your identity.

6. Install software which filters search results to block websites with sexual content.

7. Avoid going online when you are alone.

8. Allow a trusted friend or family member to have remote access to your computer and ask them to check in at random points of the day. This way, you never know when someone else may be viewing what’s on your monitor.

9. Tape a prayer or affirmation to your computer that reminds you of why you seek to maintain your abstinence

10. Make a spiritual connection, through prayer, mediation or other means before logging on.¹

Image Copyright: Martin Gommel

A list of some common behaviors of sexual addicts.

Without an APA classification and list of symptoms necessary for a diagnosis, sexual addiction remains difficult to identify; but in general, the more problematic or compulsive the sexual behaviors or thoughts, the more likely the diagnosis.

Here is a list of "warning" behaviors; behaviors commonly associated with sexual addiction. Identifying with many of the following behaviors likely indicates the presence of a sexual condition and the need for a more formal diagnosis from a trained therapist.

Some Behaviors/Feelings Commonly Exhibited by Sex Addicts Include:

• Engaging in internet sexual activity at the expense of real world commitments
• Regularly buying pornography
• Buying sex or sexual services
• Paying for pornography over the internet
• Engaging in online sexual relationships
• Making an attempt to change or cut down on a certain type of sexual activity and failing to carry through
• Spending a lot more time engaging in sexual behaviors than you had planned on
• Engaging in increasingly extreme sexual behaviors
• Feeling preoccupied with sex. Thinking about it in advance and remembering it afterwards
• Engaging in sexual fantasies online that are very taboo or illegal in the real world
• Feeling irritable when unable to spend time online engaged in sexual activity
• Engaging in sadomasochism
• Engaging in sexual activity with minors
• Feeling depressed after sexual activity
• Engaging in sexual behaviors that if "found out" would cause you or your family significant troubles/problems/embarrassment
• Continuing to engage in problematic sexual behaviors even after suffering real world consequences from them

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Is it really sex addiction? If it is, how do you treat it and substance addiction at the same time?

Is it really sex addiction?

People in recovery tend to pathologize behavior, and beyond this, we often have a skewed sense of what mainstream human behavior even is. Many with addiction histories are hindered by the shame of past sexual behaviors, but for sexual behavior to constitute an addiction it must meet at least two criteria:

1. We experience recurrent failure to control the behavior.
2. We continue the behavior despite negative consequences.

Having a high libido or engaging in behaviors like accessing pornography, masturbation or frequent sex does not necessarily mean you have an addiction. A sex addict engages in behavior that causes unwanted harm to physical, mental and emotional health and which compromises life-manageability.

Paths to recovery from sex addiction are many and prognosis depends on a number of factors. In the case of co-occurring addictions to sex and substances, the importance of slow incremental approaches with lots of support on board cannot be overstated.

Which Is Treated First?

One of the biggest challenges in recovering from co-occurring addictions is that they are almost always intertwined - we use one to offset or enable the other. In most cases, indulging in one addiction triggers the other.

• Alcoholism and drug addiction open the door to developing behavioral addictions including compulsive use of pornography and sex.
  
• Conversely, the shame many of us experience about our behavioral addictions often leads to substance abuse.
• Some of us indulge simultaneously to enhance the cumulative experience.

When multiple addictions are present, which do we treat first? The one that causes the greatest imminent physical/medical harm. It’s simple triage; the thing that can kill us the quickest has to be the first thing to go.

Therefore, when we struggle with addictions to both substances and behaviors, abstinence from substances needs to take precedence. Making significant changes and addressing the root causes of our behavior is highly problematic when a person remains chemically dependent. Progress made in treatment is likely to be undone each time we drink/use drugs.

Inhibitions & Compensations

Sometimes getting clean and sober leads naturally to reduced behavioral addiction problems.

After attaining abstinence, many of us find that our inhibitions naturally prevent us from engaging in the high risk behavior of our behavioral addictions. For example, the sex addict who depends on alcohol to lower self-consciousness may find it very difficult or even impossible to engage while sober in unhealthy sexual behavior. These cases more easily lend themselves to holistic recovery.

But sometimes getting clean and sober worsens behavioral compulsions.

Those of us who tend to struggle the most experience the exact opposite effect: in the absence of our drug of choice, we simply increase the frequency and/or severity of any other vice (especially those preexisting).

• If we are unwilling to feed our addiction its drug of choice, it will take whatever we are willing to abuse. In his book 'A Million Little Pieces' James Frey describes his increased awareness and ravenous use of caffeine, nicotine, and food; explaining that the “fury” (his disease) would devour these in an effort to offset what he denied it.

Treatment

Just as addiction is addiction is addiction, treatment is treatment.

• Many in recovery are surprised to find that what they learn through alcohol and drug rehabs, counseling, therapy and 12 step programs is not only applicable to all other addictions, but to countless other challenges in life as well.

We learn to move our focus. Just as the drug addict obsesses about attaining and doing their drug of choice, the sex addict stays hyper-focused on sexual thoughts that interfere with other areas of life. In both cases, the most common motivator is to block awareness of negative emotions and how we feel about ourselves.

• Whenever a person is obsessing, they are simultaneously avoiding. We who have known abuse, trauma, and/or active addiction learned ways to avoid facing ourselves.

We come to accept that we cannot control that which we ignore. We seek greater self regulation and we find that in order to manage ourselves, we must get to know the person we’re dealing with.

Learning Self-Kindness

We know that self esteem and self worth are major contributors to our dysfunction. Through therapy and other forms of self exploration we learn that much of what we believe about ourselves is not true – only what we were taught and made to feel. Moreover, we find that we have two sets of beliefs, two sets of standards, and two ways of judging: one for ourselves and one for everyone else.

This is the best kind of hypocrisy. If we are willing to use the “Golden Rule” in reverse, we become free to judge and treat ourselves exactly as we do others. This gives us the freedom to accept that just for today, this is where I’m at. It allows us to seek help and support. It provides room to breathe by taking a step away from shame and toward recovery.

Image Copyright: Trina Alexander

Do you have an addiction or a high libido? Learn how to differentiate between 'normal' and problematic sexual expression.

A lot of us who work in addictions and mental health had hoped that the latest edition of the American Psychiatric Association's diagnostic manual (the DSM) would establish meaningful parameters for the diagnosis and treatment of sex addiction. This did not occur. While a very limited number of specific dysfunctions and behaviors are explored, our field has not yet come to an understanding of what constitutes addiction to sex/sexual behavior.

Contributors to the DSM attribute this to a lack of research. It seems more plausible that we are simply uncomfortable defining and quantifying an astounding array of behaviors and expressions into healthy and unhealthy categories. We have made grave mistakes in past editions of the DSM, including conceptualizing homosexuality as a disorder.

Sexual addiction is best understood as hyper sexuality that involves both obsessions (unwanted and recurring thoughts) and compulsions (an overwhelming urge to engage in a behavior). But for these to constitute an addiction we must also find repeated adverse affects on our health, career, relationships or other important parts of our lives as a direct result(s). In the absence of negative consequences I often give people the good news that they simply have a high libido and do not show signs of addiction.

Pathology Lies at the Extremes

In order to tell if we have a problem, we must differentiate obsession from fantasy and compulsion from desire. This is often problematic because when we are uncomfortable with our wants and wishes we tend to assume that they are things to be ashamed of. The issue is further complicated because one size does not fit all. There is tremendous diversity in every aspect of sexuality. The degree to which we are secure in ourselves impacts our perception and guides our behavior.

Daydreaming, coveting or imagining having sex with others is normal. Feeling bored with long term monogamy or sex that's become mechanical is normal. Having sex frequently is healthy unless it detracts from important areas of your life. Addiction lies at the extremes of behavior and consciousness.

Examples of Obsessions

• Recurring patterns of unwanted thoughts, imagery, or impulses that distract us for more than brief periods of time.
• Recurring thoughts regarding abusing others sexually (by definition, abuse means an unwilling participant).
• Sexual thoughts regarding children or family members.
• Thoughts in the form of self doubt that one may have committed what they would consider a heinous act and be unable to recall whether it occurred or not.

If these types of obsessions persist, it is very possible that one may live with a subtype of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder often referred to as "pure obsessions" because the person does not follow through on the ideas or imagery. In this case, treatment for anxiety is warranted but a sexual disorder/addiction is not indicated.

Examples of Compulsions

• Having sex or masturbating when it is physically painful to do so (in this context pain is not seen as pleasurable).
• Having affairs when one truly values fidelity.
• Excessively accessing prostitutes or other sex workers (excessive is defined as causing significant problems in one's life).
• Engaging in sexual behavior that is unlawful and leads to or carries a high risk of unacceptable punishment (public sexual acts/exposing oneself to others/exhibitionism with unwilling participants).

When It's Not an Addiction but Still a Problem

The most common concern I hear from those who believe they are sexually deviant is that they are ashamed of the number of partners and/or the frequency with which they have sex. For most, their "one night stands" or chronically returning to unhealthy relationships are simply a choice not to be alone. Folks tell me they fear entering into new relationships and they simply do what's expedient. This inevitably leaves an empty feeling as our true desires (companionship, love, partnership) are not met.

For those of us with low self esteem, we often feel like sex is the one thing good that we have to offer and so we engage in acts we don't want to get some instantaneous relief; only to regret it later. These patterns can be difficult to break because not only do we experience fear as we look ahead, but also shame as we look back. I remind folks that what we do is not the whole of who we are and we do not have to face out fears alone.

What's Okay & What Isn't?

The idea of something being "okay" is generally a moral judgment. People often ask clinicians, "Is it okay if..." and they go on to describe behavior they're unsure of, feel guilt over or sadly, are ashamed of. With regard to sexual behavior, whatever happens between two consenting adults is "okay."

Experimenting, fetishes, role playing, submission & dominance are all healthy and should never be viewed through a moral lens. The key to enjoyable sex is clear and direct communication with one's partner(s), comfort and knowledge of one's body, and developing a more secure sense of self holistically.

There are a plethora of taboos and topics that simply don't come up in polite conversation. Billions of dollars are spent every year on pornography in the U.S. yet folks are often loathe to admit they enjoy it. It's normal to be curious and to explore. There are many reasons why "Fifty Shades of Gray" sold over 70 million copies in the U.S. There is a wide array of great books on improving your sex life. I most often recommend "The Joy of Sex" as a fine resource.

For those in need of support with sex addictions I encourage you to check out:

• Sex Addicts Anonymous and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

Image Copyright: Daniel Sandoval

An overview of the medications sometimes prescribed to help control the symptoms of sex addiction.

There is some debate amongst mental health professionals about the term “sex addiction”. Some professionals do not believe that disordered sexual behaviors constitute a true addiction and that these behaviors are much better explained under the umbrella of obsessive compulsive disorders.

While the jury remains out on this, medications used to control obsessive compulsive disorder symptoms are sometimes prescribed with success to help sex addicts control their compulsive behaviors. These medications belong to a class of drugs known as the SSRIs; of which Prozac is a very well known example.

Doctors may also sometimes recommend medications that reduce sexual drive by reducing levels of sex hormones. These drugs are less often used, and may be reserved for people who wish to control dangerous sexual urges.

Medication is never prescribed as a single answer to sexually disorder behaviors, but it is sometimes used to compliment other therapeutic interventions, such as participation in support groups, cognitive behavioral therapy and or individual therapy, amongst others.

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A listing of some common signs and behaviors associated with internet pornography addiction.

Do you use internet the internet compulsively to satisfy your sexual needs? Is your use of internet pornography normal?

With hundreds of millions (perhaps billions) of sexually explicit internet pages available for view online, men, and women, certainly do use the internet for sexual reasons. Some people, though, use internet pornography in a more compulsive and possibly harmful manner.

Here are some of the warning signs/behaviors of an internet sex addiction (compulsive sexual behaviors via the internet).

Internet Sex Addiction Warning Signs

• Do you spend a lot of time online each week engaged in sexual activity (viewing sexual images or videos or reading sexual content, engaged in sexual chat, sexual role play, etc.)? Do you spend more time each week involved in this type of activity than you had planned on?
• Do you maintain online sexual relationships?
• Do your online sexual behaviors lead to offline consequences? For example, failing to meet responsibilities due to time spent engaged in online sex?
• Do you feel guilty or ashamed about the way you use the internet for sexual gratification?
• Do you prefer online sexual gratification to real life sexual encounters?
• Do you view illegal or taboo content online? Have you required an escalation in the explicitness of imagery to feel the same level of arousal?
• Have you tried to cut back on the amount of time you spend engaged in online sex, or to stop looking at certain types of content, and failed to do so?
• Do you spend time offline planning a subsequent online sexual period
• Do you continue to use the internet sexually despite having been harmed by your use (a damaged personal relationship, for example)?
• Do you look at internet porn at work, or in other places/times where you might get caught in an embarrassing situation?
• Do you view content online that is illegal?

The compulsive use of internet pornography can have very damaging personal consequences. If you feel that you cannot control your use of the internet for sexual engagement, you should consider seeking professional help to do so.

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Many sex addicts wonder how they can possible give up sexual activity to recover from their addiction - do you really have to give up sex to beat sex addiction?

Many sex addicts wonder how they can possible give up sexual activity to recover from their addiction (as a drug addict would need to give up drugs). Fortunately, in the vast majority of cases, recovering sex addicts can continue to enjoy enthusiastic sex lives, only refraining from certain types of behaviors that can lead them into troubled territory.

Sex addicts in recovery can have enjoyable sex. Sex addicts in recovery should not, however, engage in:

• Sexual activities that cause them to feel ashamed afterward
  
• Sexual activities that could put real world relationships in jeopardy
• Sexual activities that are illegal or “wrong” (wrong as you and your society define it)
• Sexual activities that lead to sexual secrets
• Sexual activities that take up an inordinate amount of time
• Sexual activities that put you or another person at risk or in danger
• Sexual activities that cause harm to another person

Like a compulsive eater in recovery cannot hope to avoid food, but must instead learn to live with food in an enjoyable and healthy way, a sexual addict does not need fear a future free from sexual fun or intimacy, only look forward to one free from the pains caused by sexual compulsion.

Image Copyright: jONNY wILKINS

Answer 3 easy questions to find out.

Firstly, What Is Sex Addiction?

This is a tricky question, as the experts don’t yet agree on the answer.

Sex addiction is not yet a disorder recognized by the American Psychological Association (APA) in its manual of disorders, the DSM-IV Revised. The APA does recognize problematic sexual activity as a "sexual disorder".

Some therapists believe that sexually disordered behaviors arise out of a true clinical "addiction to sex" and that the term sex addiction is a valid descriptor of the condition. Other therapists believe that sexually disordered behaviors arise as a result of compulsive or obsessive disorders and can be treated similarly to obsessive compulsive conditions.

While the mental health community has yet to explicitly define the problem, the community does recognize that for a lot of people, sexual activity, thoughts and drives do cause a lot of problems and that people with problematic sexual activity need and respond to appropriate treatment.

Since sex addiction is colloquially known to describe problematic sexual behaviors and since addiction may be an accurate descriptor, we use the term sex addiction as a default term.

Do You Have a Sex Addiction?

According to the non profit organization, The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, an early advocacy group for the treatment of disordered sexual behaviors, there are three primary indicators of a sex addiction:

1. Do you lack control over your sexual behaviors? Are you unable to control when, how, how much and how often to engage in sexual behaviors – or unable set and follow limits on your behaviors?

2. Has your uncontrolled sexual behavior caused you substantial real life consequences?

3. Do you lack control over how much time you spend thinking about sexual activity?

Frequency of sexual behavior does not characterize sexual addiction; rather it is the degree of control over sexual thoughts and actions and the consequences of those actions that are more relevant. Answering yes to one or more of the preceding three questions indicates a cause for concern and the potential existence of a sexual addiction.

There are a number of effective treatments available for the treatment of sexual addiction or sexually compulsive behaviors, which can include a brief course of talk therapy or anti depressant medication. Talk to a therapist versed in sexual addiction for an accurate diagnosis of any possible disorder and to learn what steps you can take to retake control over your sexual behaviors.

Image Copyright: Oberzzi

Just as drug addicts and alcoholics sometimes require residential addiction treatment, Sexual addicts may also need to get out of the home environment (an environment of temptation) to make a clean break from temptation and compulsive sexual acts.

Sexual addiction can be treated on an outpatient or residential basis. Some people will find that outpatient counseling and participation in sexual support organizations enables the end of compulsive sexual acts/thoughts. Other people may find that staying in an environment of sexual temptation makes initial recovery difficult. There is no right or wrong answer, just a right for you answer.

People who might consider getting residential sexual addiction treatment include sexual addicts who:

• Cannot control their compulsive sexual behaviors, even for a short time
• Have a co occurring mental health or substance abuse problem
• Have tried outpatient counseling and repeatedly relapsed to compulsive sexual activity
• Lack social support

Residential Sexual Addiction Treatment

Some common program elements offered at residential sexual addiction treatment programs include:

• Disease education – lectures and classes that teach you why you act as you do

• Group Counseling – Counselor led group therapy sessions that engage a group of sexual addicts in a communication and problem solving

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) – A physiological technique that teaches sex addicts how thoughts induce feelings and actions and that by learning techniques to control harmful thoughts compulsions are reduced. CBT is one of the most effective counseling methods for a wide variety of mental health conditions, and should be an integral part of any sexual addiction recovery program.

• Individual therapy – Personalized talk therapy can help sexual addicts deal with issues that arise because of (or that may cause) sexual compulsions.

• Couples therapy – Many sex addicts enter into treatment after harming a loved one (or on an ultimatum from a loved one) couples therapy can be a valuable part of the recovery process, helping both partners learn to enjoy a health sexuality together. In many cases, couples therapy is required to salvage a relationship damaged by the compulsive sexual behaviors of the addict.

• 12 steps support groups – Sexaholics anonymous is a 12 step support organization that follows as 12 steps based those of Alcoholics Anonymous. Longer term participation in support groups like SA can be helpful in maintaining recovery and so an introduction to the 12 steps during a residential treatment stay paves the groundwork for aftercare in the community.

• Medication – In some cases, a psychiatrist may prescribe a medication like an SSRI anti depressant to help curb obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions. It can be beneficial to select a sex addiction program that can provide access to a psychiatrist for medication, if necessary.

Entering into a residential facility minimizes temptation and can help a sex addict achieve an initial period of abstinence from compulsive sexual acts.

A quality sex addiction program offers a comprehensive array of sexual addiction specific programming, such as many or most of the program elements listed above; make sure to get help in a program that specializes in the treatment you need.