How a person chooses to deal with fear determines a great deal of what's possible in their lives. Make a choice to stop running from fear!

My friends in recovery have two amazing acronyms for fear:

F@ck Everything And Run

...or...

Face Everything And Recover

In black and white terms, these are the options we perceive. We either allow our fears to run us, or we seek to resolve and overcome. Too many of us believe we’re not brave enough, but courage is not the absence of fear; it’s the choice not to let fear stop you.

Stop Avoiding Fear

Embrace the gray that lies halfway between a in black and white worldview. “Facing everything” means working through one fear at a time and progressively making our lives and our recovery programs more manageable.

• Fight or flight is not manageable
• In the long run, avoidance is not manageable

Too many of us are drained mentally and emotionally by our attempts to:

1. Not know what we know (denial)
2. Not to feel what we feel (recipe for anxiety)
3. Trying not to remember what we cannot forget (compartmentalizing, repressing, stuffing)

Thoughts, feelings, and memories ought not to be judged. They simply exist. Experiencing difficult feelings is problematic, but trying to not feel causes far greater problems.

• Many of us were raised to believe that showing fear, sadness, disappointment, and other vulnerable emotions is “weak.” This leaves us stuck and worse, compounds existing shame and makes reaching out and seeking help unattainable.

Stop Hiding Fear Out of Fear

Most of us are very good at hiding our fears just as we hide our true selves. Outwardly we look calm and collected. On the inside we’re frightened children.

• Sharing fear requires opening up. So instead we cover up with irritation, appearing aloof, or apathetic.
  
• Instead of admitting, “I’m afraid to” we say, “I don’t want to.” The former opens doors and the latter slams them shut.
  

One of my favorite questions to ask my clients is, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid and what would that make possible in your life?”

Fear Limits Perspective, Therapy Provides It

Manageability is a crucial concept in addiction and trauma recovery. As long as we are overwhelmed, very little growth is possible. Unfortunately, as adult survivors, and/or addicts/alcoholics, what we tend to fear most is ourselves. Most of us are control freaks (control freaks are always scared people). Our fears dictate that one way or another we are going to be hurt so we take control through self destruction.

The more fearful we are, the less we tend to experience the world as the competent and capable adults we are. We regress and think, feel, and often act as we did when we were children because we’re overwhelmed by the same feelings now as then (in this way the past is not truly over).

I encourage people to explore these connections in therapy because no matter how successful we become, we can always go back to old habits and patterns of behavior when we’re sufficiently afraid.

In therapy, it’s not like we have to recall every painful childhood experience. It’s more about making sure that we get/learn/heal/overcome today what we couldn’t get then. Otherwise the same internal conflicts will continue to hinder us each time we’re triggered.

Getting Out of Our Comfort Zone

Developing a manageable life means building on a stable foundation. This means that all of our basic life needs are met and we are working toward realistic and healthy goals. Manageability also requires that we actively solicit and accept support (facing fear alone is not manageable).

Most of us are afraid to ask for help. My clients often tell me:

• “I’m just not comfortable letting people know me (shame)”
  
• “I’d like to but I have trust issues (Duh, we all do. It’s just another form of fear)”
• “I don’t want to burden anyone with my stuff (lie to justify not facing fear).”

When we’re afraid we tend to complicate things in our head. This leaves us stuck in our current comfort zones because when things are complicated we’re able to tell ourselves that we “just don’t know what to do (which leads inevitably to being overwhelmed).”

When we’ve convinced ourselves of this lie; we do what we’ve always done and get what we’ve always gotten. I like simplicity because it dictates a clear course of action. I tell my clients that the Beatles summed it up nicely, “I get by with a little help from my friends.”

I’ve known way too many good people who tried to think their way into a better life. Most of them were going through life without meaningful support. I tell them two heads aren’t twice as good as one; they’re a million times better than one. We need reality checks. We need to be able to share how we see things, be open to suggestions and be willing to be challenged when we’re kidding ourselves.

One More Reason Why We Need Each Other

Many of us were shocked and dismayed to find that it’s actually scary to get better. Change is frightening. As we recover; we are in the process of becoming. Transformation is an amazing goal and it is attainable but it’s rarely if ever comfortable. We need reassurance, encouragement, and we need to take the advice we so readily give to others. We’d never want the people we love to face fear alone.

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Feeling like you are "stuck in a rut?" Wanting to find more zest, enthusiasm, or passion in your life? Wondering how to even begin the search for more joy? Start here!

Sometimes you may feel like "life is good..... but"... Maybe you feel like the rat race is getting the better of you, maybe you feel like "there's got to be more to life", maybe you don't necessarily want any major life changes but just feel a yearning for a little more joy and passion. So the question arises, how can we begin looking for this.... this "something more".

First Step: Start with a Check-Up

Firstly, for wellness, always start with a checkup to rule out physical conditions. Many physical conditions can contribute to feelings of low energy, depression, sleep problems, digestive issues, or many other symptoms that hinder our feelings of well-being, not to mention our enjoyment of day to day life. Busy schedules, competing responsibilities, poor work/life balance, aging and lack of adequate time for self-care can all contribute to dampened enthusiasm. Get checked out and see if there are lifestyle changes needed or get help for any serious issues that may be holding you back from fully enjoying life.

Second Step: Find Your Passions

Secondly, maybe you are at a new stage in life, or your goals have changed, or perhaps you have never known what passions to pursue.... you may want to spend some time searching for your strengths and weaknesses, and seeing what activities or ideals create that certain spark in your days. Self-help books, support groups, therapy, counseling and retreats are a few avenues that can help; or find your own path. Counseling psychologists can help out with psychological testing, personality testing, and various assessments to aid in finding points of interest. Knowing where you want to start looking can be a great step towards adding more passion to your plate!

Third Step: Plan Your Next Moves

Thirdly, research and planning may seem contrary to spontaneous and passionate partying, but these can provide ingredients vital to finding the enthusiasm and joys that will enhance your life, rather than adding problems or creating calamity. Keeping your personal and professional goals and values in mind and planning for the changes you want to see and the directions you want to try can keep the joy flowing while avoiding changes with consequences that are not wanted. Take a little time to plan things out - with professional guidance from a life coach, licensed counselors, or on your own using self-help resources.

...then: Take Action

Finally, go and do it. Whether it is a small daily attitude shift, weekly reminders, or working towards changes in your environment, career, or relationships, start as soon as you can. Life is short, and hopefully we can make it as happy as we want it to be.... seek help, seek inspiration, move wisely!

Most of us can benefit from a little more daily passion, and enthusiasm --- finding old joys, new joys, or different joys than originally planned -- to bring a little more sunshine to our lives!

5 easy tips for getting the most out of your therapy experience.

How much benefit you get out of a counseling experience depends a lot on how much you’re willing to put into the process yourself, after all, if you’re not willing to take the therapy seriously, not able to speak honestly in therapy or not willing to practice techniques of behavioral change between sessions, then you cannot expect to make significant progress.

Here are 5 tips for getting the most benefit out of any therapy experience.

Find a Good Therapist

If you want to have a great experience in therapy, try mightily to find a great therapist!

Counselors are like people from any other profession…some are better than others, and since it’s your emotional or mental health on the line here – you definitely want to try to find a counselor that’s effective in what she does.

You want to find someone that is experienced and credentialed, but research has shown that people with master’s degrees counsel about as well as people with doctorate degrees, so the person with more letters after their name is not always the better choice!

Find someone who:

• Is experienced in working with people dealing with similar challenges to what you face
• Comes recommended
• Makes you feel safe and comfortable
• Seems to like you

Be an Active Participant in the Process

Think about what exactly you hope to get out of therapy and make sure to communicate your hopes with your therapist. Between sessions, think about how you’re feeling and about what may be causing you to feel better or worse and be prepared to bring in specific examples into your next counseling session. It is often helpful to carry a small notebook around so that you can jot down quick notes about what seems to be helping or hurting in dealing with whatever specific challenges you face.

At its best, therapy is a collaboration between you and your therapist – and you are both working towards your own improved emotional health!

Tell the Truth

Your counselor cannot read your mind and so if you cannot or will not speak honestly about your problems, then you cannot hope to achieve much of any benefit from the counseling experience. If you find that you cannot open up with your counselor, then you should consider finding another therapist - one that you feel safer or more comfortable with - to work with.

Stay Committed to the Process

Like anything else in life, you only get out of therapy what you’re prepared to put into it. If you skip sessions, come late, come unprepared or fail to take the advice of your therapist outside of the office then you cannot expect that therapy is going to offer you very much.

Through counseling and effort, major life improvements are very possible – but only if you are prepared to do the work that’s needed.

Do Your ‘Homework’

There is little point in any kind of counseling if you’re not going to use what you learn from therapy sessions in your everyday life.

Make a concerted effort to put your therapist’s recommendations for behavioral or cognitive changes into practice between sessions. Big changes in life don’t often happen overnight and the techniques of behavioral change tend to require a fair amount of practice. By practicing these techniques between sessions, you can also bring your successes and failures back into therapy at the next session, which can help you and your counselor to find out what’s working and what isn’t and to move forward based on that information.

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None of us goes through life in isolation – and the problems we face in life are rarely as unique as we believe them to be! Group therapy is a very effective form of counseling that harnesses the power and authority of a group of people facing similar challenges for support and learning and toward behavior change.

As human beings we are social creatures and much of what we do and feel is dependent on the reactions we receive from those around us.  In a group therapy environment, the group can provide social support and friendship, the inspiration of others overcoming similar challenges and the honest reactions we all sometimes need to hear from those we trust.

What Is Group Therapy?

Group therapy is a form of therapy in which a small number of people, typically between 5 and 10, come and meet together. Led by a trained therapist of counselor, these people discuss a shared problem to help themselves and others in the group.¹

Although group therapy is sometimes derided as a secondary treatment to individual counseling, group therapy has been shown to work as well, and in some cases, even better than individual counseling, depending on the situation. Importantly, people receiving group therapy for substance abuse are more likely to remain involved in treatment due to the relationships formed and the support received from within the group.²

Because self help groups, like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) are not led by a trained professional, they are not considered forms of group therapy.

What Is Group Therapy Used to Treat?

Group therapy has been found beneficial in the treatment of a wide range of issues, such as:

• Addiction/substance abuse
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Grief and loss
• Overcoming trauma
• Dealing with illness
• Aging
• Many more

4 Common Types of Group Therapy

Although all types of group therapy share a basic similarity (small groups, leader directed, etc.) there are 4 distinct types of therapy groups:

1. Psychoeducational Groups

These groups are counselor led with the intention of educating a group of people about a particular subject, the consequences of addiction, for example. Although these are educational in nature, groups are generally composed of a people with certain practical expertise on the real-life aspects of the subject material, and so although the counselor will present some material, much of the talking is discussion based amongst members of the group.

2. Skills Development Groups

These groups teach members skills needed for life success. For example, a group of people struggling with addiction or substance abuse might learn skills that are important in achieving abstinence and avoiding relapse –such as how to say no to drugs or alcohol, how to assert yourself or how to manage anger or other strong emotions.

3. Cognitive Behavioral Groups

These groups strive to help people develop new behaviors by helping them to change thoughts, beliefs and perceptions. Someone who believes ‘they can’t” quit drinking might, with the help of the group, look at how their thoughts and beliefs contribute to their drinking. With the help of the group, many of the thoughts, beliefs and perceptions that contribute to drinking may be proven false. Once a person can accept that their negative behaviors are in part caused by false beliefs, they can learn new ways of thinking that lead to healthier behavioral outcomes.

4. Support Groups

These groups help members deal with the challenges associated with a particular situation - for example, addiction, cancer, victims of violence, etc.. Group members gain emotional support and validation as well as advice on the day-to-day skills required for healthy and happy living while in recovery. Support groups can help people develop improved self esteem and interpersonal skills. They are also an important source of social interact for people who may lack other positive peer relationships.³

What Are the Advantages of Group Therapy?

Some of the advantages of group therapy include:

• Group therapy can help to reduce isolation – literally, by encouraging social interaction and also emotionally, as it shows you that other people are going through similar experiences
• It can provide a source of inspiration, as you watch others in your group overcome difficult challenges
• It can provide useful information on how to deal with the day to day challenges of recovery – and since this information is sourced from others also experiencing similar challenges, it is useful and authentic (not from an ‘expert’ who may not understand the realities)
• Group therapy members are generally quick to spot and call-out unhealthy or inaccurate thinking – thinking patterns that hinder recovery, such as denial, and since the group shares a similar collective experience, they speak with authority and weight.
• Many people find emotional support and encouragement from their group therapy experiences
• Group therapy sessions, particularly regular sessions, provide structure and content to the day
• Group therapy tends to cost far less than individual therapy, as a single counselor treat a number of people at the same time.⁴

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Fear can keep us safe; but fear can also keep us too safe. Too little fear may cause too much loss. So what's the difference? How can we tell if we have too much fear or too little?

Fear is one of the most primal and ubiquitous of human emotions – it can fuel caution, anger, attachment, sadness and happiness; it can drive us to action, or keep us away and inactive. But how do we know if we are fearful enough, or perhaps allowing fear to hold us back too much?

Successful performers on stage and screen often proclaim that they have a great deal of stage fright, and that fear fuels their drive to do better. Persons in highly dangerous occupations also often say that it is fear that keeps them alive; that compels them to perform as safely as possible. Fear of failure can energize conscientious workers and students to strive for perfection and study hard in order to achieve more. But what if fear also keeps a great employee from reaching for their management potential? What if fear keeps us in dead-end relationships, or repeating old patterns of not attaining the educational or career success that could really be ours?

Please note that this article does not address abusive situations, unethical or illegal actions – if you or anyone you know is in an abusive situation or contemplating unethical or illegal actions, please call your local crisis hotline, or emergency referral source for assistance.

How Much Fear Is too Much?

For illustrative purposes, let's discuss hypothetical cavemen – running from saber-toothed tigers, hiding in caves, and exploring the brave new world.

Sometimes we can be too risk-averse – and not trying almost always means not succeeding.

• For our hypothetical cavemen – they felt “safe” when hiding in a cave, however, if they never ventured out of the cave, they never found food or water and eventually starved.

When there are goals we want to attain – leaving an unhealthy relationship, trying out living independently, going for that college degree or high school diploma, etc. - we need to decide if we can reasonably risk what might be at stake, or if we are simply giving in to fear itself. 

An Exercise to Try

1. Make a list of what the worst case scenario might be – might not pass a test, might feel a little bit of failure, might lose the cost of a class…
2. Ask yourself if these are acceptable risks, given the potential rewards.

If we allow our fears to hold us back from everything in life, we can never grow, can never find achievable new changes, and most likely will never achieve the things we hope to achieve.

• Ask yourself, is the regret of not having tried worth not accepting the risk?

When the sum of our lives is stagnation and subsistence because fear is the ruler of all, then perhaps one might consider that they have too much fear.

If the cavemen wanted to live, they had to face their fear of leaving the cave, at least for long enough to find food and water.

How Little Fear Is Not Enough?

Sometimes we don't fear enough – and sometimes people pay the price.

The cavemen who decided they did not ever need to hide in a cave... they became snacks for predators and lost it all.

Reckless behaviors and impulsive decisions may be signals that a person doesn't quite have enough fear. Constantly reaching for unattainable goals, losing family, friends, and anything resembling a desirable level of stability may indicate too little fear or at least too little consideration of potential outcomes.

1. If a person is repeatedly losing things that he or she claims are the most important things – jobs, home, family - then a lack of fear might be considered to be a contributing factor.
   
2. Taking a step back and examining one's values – prioritizing needs and goals, then evaluating plans in light of those priorities - may help curb activities wherein fear does not feed inhibition.

How Much Is Just Enough?

The cavemen who hid when hiding was prudent and who ventured forth to find resources when needed carried an appropriate amount of fear.

It may not always be the emotion of “fear” but rather a weighing of hopes, risks and rewards which spurs us to action or inhibits our desires.

1. Fear that immobilizes us and prevents us from ever reaching for our stars might be “too much.”
   
2. A lack of fear, a constant risking and losing of everything we hope to hold, might indicate a need to take a step back and take stock of needs, goals, and priorities.

Finding Balance

Consulting with professional counselors, support groups, or even finding examples of others who faced a similar fear might help.

Finding balance is different for everyone, but with a little self-examination and perspective, figuring out fear – and avoiding too much or too little – can help you achieve the balance you desire.

Try a few of these 5 quick and easy exercises to help you identify what matters most in life so you can maximize the time and energy you spend on what's truly important (some of your results may surprise you.)

"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault

There's no shortage of wise advise out there - "live a life with no regrets" or "dance like no one is watching" - but how, in the middle of our whirlwind of days, work, career, family, children, running, running, running....  do we begin to figure out what is truly important - not to everyone else, but to us, as individuals? Only once armed with this information can we steer our lives toward fulfillment and hopefully a life of few regrets.

Some folks can just rattle off a list of priorities and adjust life accordingly. Most of us, however, know how we were raised and what the "world" tells us, but we might need a little extra direction in figuring out our own priorities. Here are some practical exercises that might help.

To get the most out of this article:

1. Perform several of the exercises (pick at least three).
   
2. Then compare your exercise results to the analysis questions.
   

After completing steps 1 & 2 you should have a better idea about what's most important in your life.

No Regrets! 5 Starter Exercises

1. Cell Phone Project - Selfies That Matter

For the next month or so, snap selfies (or just jot down a note or two) about anything that stands out in your day. 

• These do not need to be out of the ordinary or super-thrilling things - anything that makes you smile or laugh, or makes one of your loved ones smile or laugh - anything that catches your attention. 
  
• Even if you are not certain at the time why a certain event or idea causes you to pause, if it causes you to pause, make a note.
  
• Also, anything that is routine in your day that you happily and routinely enjoy, make a note or snap a picture.  

2. Calendar Project

Look back over the last day, month, year, decade of your life.  What did you do every day? Once a week? Once a month? Special occasions? Who was involved? How did you feel? What things would you choose to repeat - daily, monthly, yearly?  What people were involved? What issues were involved? Make notes, circle dates, or anything that will help organize the information.

3. Searching for What Matters

What if you woke up tomorrow morning and everything and everyone in your life had disappeared. 

Start your list with the beginning of your day:

• What would be missing? who would be missing? What would you do first? second? Who would you search for? What would you find joy in reclaiming? Go minute by minute, day by day, or a whole week/month/year.

4. Magic Wand

Imagine you found a magic wand and have five wishes.  You have five minutes to figure out exactly what to wish for or all the wishes disappear (can't wish for more wishes, etc.)

• What would you choose to wish for?  Why? What if you had 10 wishes?  What if your wishes would only come true in the last 5 minutes of your life, whenever that might be?

5. The End - Filling Your Last 24 Hours

if you knew you only had 24 hours left to live, what would be the most important things for you to do in that 24 hour time span?

• What would you choose? Who would you be with? How would you spend every minute? Make a time line (reality still applies - you can't do things faster, you don't have any more money to spend, etc.)  In hour number one, what would you do? Hour number two?...
  

Step 2 - Analyze Your Results

Next, using the information gathered during the exercises, answer the following questions - add more as you can think of them:

• Can the items be sorted into groups or themes, such as: groups of people, groups of ideas, groups of ideals, things that represent family, or friends, career, home, work, the past, the future... What types of things keep coming up again and again? Are there any themes you didn't see before? Which ideas do not surprise you? If you had to prioritize these themes, which would be most important? 
• What items really stand out as bringing everyday happiness? What stands out as bringing exceptional happiness? Do you see things that matter more than you had previously noted? Do you see differences or similarities in the small happiness and large happiness items/events? What trends do you see? Can you group these by values, or people, or places?  Which seem most relevant on a daily basis? Yearly basis? Lifelong basis? 
• Are the same people involved? Are different people involved?  Always the same places? Always different places? What ways would your life be different if you removed any of those items?  Do these spark any ideas that you would have liked to see more often noted?  
• Add any questions or thoughts that might help you find the priorities in life that matter most to you. People, places, events, "bucket list" items... anything with meaning to you.  

No one can dictate another's priorities, and yes, not always knowing what our priorities are is a normal, human condition.  Self-help books, meet-up groups, and professional counseling are some resources that can be used to help enrich our turns around the sun.  Our priorities may change as life goes on and that in the end, we can meet the end of our road with confidence that we lived well.  

Also read: How to Cultivate Gratitude, Dealing with Mid-Life and How to Find Work and Life Balance.

Strong differences in political, ethical, world-view and religious opinions can lead to workplace conflict. What can you do when opinion conflicts cause you problems at work?

There used to be a popular saying about never discussing politics or religion with friends or co-workers if you wanted them to remain friends or co-workers. However, perhaps due to the impersonal nature of the digital age, or backlash from "political correctness", such items are now common water-cooler fodder. But what do we do when our opinions clash with those of our co-workers; when strong opinions meet opposing strong opinions?

Never Discuss Religion or Politics... or... Else!

In today's world of electronic everything, personal networking and professional politics can influence work satisfaction and career potential. So what do we do when our views or opinions contrast markedly from our co-workers or superiors? What do we do if those difference loom large in our workplace?

Often heard advice about never discussing religion or politics might be sage and timeless, but sometimes, in the course of spending more hours per day with our co-workers than our families, the topics may arise.

• For many people, opinions don't matter and disagreements are that and nothing more – nothing to do with the business at work.
  
• But for others, differences of opinion (that are not directly work related) are paramount – opinions are morals and ethics and involve the core of our persons, our professions, and therefore our work.

How might we cope when we find ourselves in such situations?

1. Remember, Differences Can Be Healthy

Firstly, remember that it is only by having differences in ideas, ideals, and opinions that we are able to exist at all. If everyone only ever did and thought the same things and always behaved the same, our species would have died out long ago.

Growth, adaptation and survival occur by change – and changes by definition are different. This does not negate the necessity for societal norms, but if we only had norms without divergences, we would not grow, adapt - or survive.

 2. You Can Agree to Disagree

Secondly, differences do not have to be detrimental. People can agree to disagree.

• If a disagreement is not directly work related, have a frank discussion and come to an agreement that you can work or socialize together, but will no longer discuss 'hot' topics because you realize further discussion is not productive.

Learn about assertive conflict resolution.

 3. Go to Human Resources

Thirdly, be aware that discussions that are not work related, if they persist in any harassing manner, may subject one or both persons to workplace human resources departments and policies.

Any ideals not related to a person's professional practice should be left out of the work place, particularly if proving problematic. If both parties can't agree to disagree, one or both may contact their human resources department for advice.

 4. Get Outside Assistance

Finally, if a person finds he cannot exist in a workplace, even without participating in on-going discussions about the differences of opinion, and after attempting to work things out informally and formally, then it might be time to look for outside assistance.

• This might mean a new place of employment or a new viewpoint or two. Keep in mind that unless the job search involves looking for specific groups of like-minded individuals, one is likely to encounter other differences of opinion.
• Seeking counsel from a third party, such as a professional counselor, might help with finding further coping suggestions, or providing a balancing opinion or education. It is important to get along with our fellow people the best we can, but it's also important to have a satisfactory level of peace at our places of employment.
  
• It would also be prudent to investigate the pros and cons of career changes, unemployment, etc. prior to taking any actions, and discussing these items with job search agencies, career counselors, or professional therapists.

Learn how to find a good therapist.

Peace of Mind Matters

Differences of opinion at work don't have to spell the end of a career. Some people can compartmentalize topics and work well with co-workers carrying large differences in thoughts, while others may need assistance – self-help books, groups, counseling, etc. to learn some cognitive tips or new thinking skills.

Sometimes if the differences cross a professional line, human resources departments may be involved. And as we often spend more time at work than anywhere else in life, peace of mind is important.

If no alternatives can be found, exploring career options, and other potential paths, perhaps with a career counselor, might be appropriate. Life is short, and we can live it well.

Learn how to build a better balance between work and life!

What do you do when you just can't seem to feel as thankful as you'd like to? Well, firstly, don't be too hard on yourself (thinking changes aren't easy) and secondly, try a few easy gratitude-boosting attitude changes.

Thankfulness journals, thankfulness exercises, and ways to improve our “attitude of gratitude” seem to be everywhere these days. With little doubt, it can be very helpful to “look on the bright” side and be mindful of appreciation for all that we have, but what if the feeling of gratefulness just cannot be found? What if all the methods that should lead to increases in happiness via gratitude just don't seem to be working? Does this mean we are doomed to remain unappreciative and live a life filled with envy for greener pastures? Does this mean we are a thank-fail?

Go Easy – Think Thankful-Lite

If changing our patterns of thinking was easy and creating a new outlook could happen overnight, the world would be full of mentally healthy folks with no problems, no issues, no addictions and no pains. Trying on a new attitude can take time. Finding a new focus is not necessarily different than trying to break a bad habit - we try, we fall, we get back up and we try again. If it doesn't work right now, this second, let yourself know, it is OK.

Comparison Is OK

In this case, seeing that we are not as bad off as we think can be good. Reading about or watching stories of people who are currently in situations where we can see, hear and feel that their needs are greater than our own can help us feel more blessed in our own situations. Volunteering time and energy to help others in need can also provide more perspective – seeing things from another person's place in this way can help us help them, and ourselves.

A Little Looking Back Is OK

Sometimes looking back at where we have been and what we have done can help. Perhaps we have forgotten our roots, our past struggles, or our past successes. Everything we have done and been contributes to where we are now, and that we are still “here” is a true testament to our survival and our success. Viewing our past through future lenses may help us feel thankful for everything that brought us forward in time. We just can't dwell in the past forever.... or we won't move forward in changing our thankfulness today!

Don't Give Up

So we see how readily our friends list and count their blessings, and we may feel less than thankful for the troubles we see.... but don't give up. Find new and different ways to think about what is here, what is in hand.... “Fake it 'til you make it”, and if we keep thinking about all that we have, and all that we can do, eventually we may make the leap to living a life full and full-filled with thankfulness and appreciation. Every day that we wake is a new opportunity to live in our happiness and blessings. We cannot be a “thank-fail” as long as we are, thankfully, able to keep trying!    

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Reconsidering forgiveness. Do you have to forgive to move beyond the past? Forgiveness can liberate, but many people find healing and happiness without it - and in some cases, harboring a little past anger may be protective.

“Forgive and forget,”... “To err is human; to forgive, divine,” …   But is forgiveness the only key to moving on?  Is it possible to go forward without forgiveness?

What Is Forgiveness, Exactly?

What does it mean to forgive? Defining forgiveness can be tricky - but in general, experts see forgiveness as:

• A decrease in hostile or angry feelings and thoughts and a reduced desire for harm to come to the perpetrator of a perceived wrong.
• Some definitions include complete reconciliation and the establishment of a peaceful relationship. Other definitions specifically exclude reconciliation.^{1 2 3 4}
  

Forgiveness Benefits

Differences in defining aside, most mental health advocates agree (and research supports) that forgiveness contributes to good emotional hygiene. Forgiveness has been associated with:

• Better self-esteem.
• Lower blood pressure.
• Lower incidence of heart disease.
• Other psychological and physical benefits.

But is forgiveness an essential prerequisite to moving on in life or in relationships?

Well, if you look back to the different definitions of forgiveness you can see that there are varying degrees of action and intensity in the many definitions of forgiveness. Some definitions demand reconciliation and some do not. Therefore, varying degrees of forgiveness must be acceptably effective in allowing one to “move forward” with a happy life and relationships.

When Forgiveness Is Necessary

When there is no forgiveness and you are consumed by thoughts of revenge, hoping for harm and hair-trigger anger, then pursuing any type of happy relationship might be difficult.

When a person's entire outlook on life and love and the future are all forestalled by this lack of forgiveness, then at least some forgiving, perhaps any amount, could be helpful.

When Forgiveness Isn't Necessary

What about complete reconciliation after abuse?

Of course, in cases of abuse (physical, sexual or emotional) the re-establishment of any relationship shouldn't be required; this could prove very damaging. Some people can 'change' but caution should be exercised. Few mental health professionals, if any, would ever advocate restoring an unhealthy relationship – and abuse definitely qualifies.

Is Some Forgiveness Enough?

So is there a middle ground?

Well, if a person is able to live in relative peace, with enough happiness and positive relationships to constitute a fulfilling life, then it would not seem that “more forgiveness” or “complete forgiveness” should be required. 

Can Anger Protect?

In fact, if a person feels it is necessary to hold on to a piece of anger, or to occasionally ruminate, an argument could be made that these thoughts can be protective in nature. Some may say that harboring any ill feelings is counter-productive, but what if remembering a small bit of anger or resentment keeps us from re-entering toxic relationships? Or what if those hostile thoughts remind us not to begin new relationships with persons enacting unhealthy behaviors? If we remember, for example, touching a hot stove and getting burned, but recall no pain at all, then how likely are we to avoid bare skin on a hot stove?

Moving beyond Forgiveness

Some say forgive but never forget.... but if the essence of forgiveness is a lessening of ill feelings, isn't that just forgetting a vital piece of it all?

Many people heal, feel better, and go on after a hurt though finding their own way. “Forgiveness” does not imply one definition will fit everyone, and it does not mean that “true forgiveness” is the only path to health.

What to Aim For

Living a happy and full life, not being consumed by bitterness or revenge and living with enough joy and positive relationships to feel “good” - these things should not hinge on the attainment of one valiant act of forgiveness. Instead, the ability to have the life we want, at the level of positivity we desire, despite our past hurts, might be enough of a goal, no matter the state of our forgiveness.

Find the right therapist! Here are 23 interview questions to ask to get to know a potential therapist.

While this list has 23 questions on it, you don't need to ask all of them. However, this list should give you some ideas about what you could ask to get a better feel for a potential therapist. When evaluating, pay attention to the answers, and to how they answer the questions.

23 Questions to Ask a Potential Therapist

1. Do you take my insurance?

This has become increasingly important, especially if you have no coverage for people who are outside your network. A potential therapist won't be an expert on your individual plan – but they can tell you whether they are in a network with your insurance provider.

2. What license(s) do you have to be a therapist and how long have you been practicing?

There are many different types of therapists, such as social workers, marriage and family therapists, mental health or professional counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc., and each specialty has its own way of approaching therapy. (Learn more about the different types of therapists and find out which is best for you)

3. What experience do you have working with the types of problems I am experiencing?

Generally, having some experience or at least training in your problem area would be important.

4. What is your approach to doing therapy in a situation such as this one?

There are many schools of thought in the therapy community and the therapist may not be ready to say what they think will be best for you.

5. What has your success rate been with problems like this?

It's useful to know how often therapy can help, but keep in mind that most therapists do not keep statistics the same way that a surgeon might. It is also common for a therapist to have some failures as well as successes, so listen for honest disclosure in how the therapist answers.

6. In working with a patient or client, do you tend to be more directive or more like a consultant to the patient or client?

There are times when having a directive therapist can be very helpful but there are also times when it is good to have more of a guide on a path and to be more in control as a client. Which do you need or want?

7. What types of things would you expect me to do between sessions, if anything?

This will help you understand what the therapist is likely to expect from you.

8. Describe to me your ideal client.

Does this sound like you?

9. What do clients do that really annoy you?

10. What happens if I can’t make an appointment?

11. What happens if I am late for a session?

12. If I start having lots of problems between sessions, what are my options?

13. Are your appointment times flexible or will I get my own slot?

14. When you are away, what happens to my therapy?

15. Do you regularly make clients wait for their sessions or do they start on time?

16. Do you have an understanding of my perspective as a _______? (This could be based on gender, cultural, race, ethnicity, etc)

17. Do you do phone sessions if I need something at a different time?

18. If I wanted to bring someone else to a session, would that be a problem?

19 What would I have to do to be ready for the first session?

20. Does _____ have to find out about what I am working on?

This could be your employer, parent or other family member.

21. What is not private and confidential about what we do?

22. I’ve never been in therapy before, will it feel weird?

23. Do you think you can help me?

This is really a key question as your trust in their belief is really important.

Finding a Great Therapist

Asking the questions on this list will give you a feel for a potential therapist. No therapist is the right person for everyone, so finding a therapist that you are comfortable with is really important. This will then help you begin on the journey to peace and wholeness.

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While "addictive personality" is not an actual diagnosis it does seem that many people who do not abuse substances still show aspects of addictive behavior.

While not an actual diagnosis, it’s widely believed that some people do have addictive personalities. We assume this of known drug addicts and alcoholics but when a person is able to hide their addiction or is addicted to relatively benign things (exercise, food, codependency, work) we may sooner see them as driven, caregivers, career oriented, or as having a 'type A personality.'

Do You Have an Addictive Personality?

In the absence of established criteria to identify 'addictive personality', I ask my clients a few simple open ended questions:

1. How much is enough?
2. Are you impulsive or easily irritated?
3. Is there an emptiness you find difficult or impossible to fill?
4. Do you find it very hard to relax?
5. Do you frequently seek distraction?
6. How may speeds do you have?
7. Do you tend to see the world in black and white terms?
8. What makes you feel most alive?

Indicative Answers

1. “All of it.” Or, “It’s never enough.”
2. “I’m very spontaneous.” Or, “I don’t like to think about things forever I like to get them done!”
3. “How’d you know?”
4. “Yes. I go until I can’t go anymore then I drop.”
5. “I have a lot of interests.” Or, “I get bored easily”
6. “I never really find the middle.” “Moderation is boring” (all out & dead stop)
7. “Yeah, I know there’s gray but I’d rather do stuff and sort it out later” (later never comes)
8. “Pushing the limits.” Or, “Seeing what I’m capable of.”

The Good, The Bad, & The Unmanageable

People with addictive personalities live at the extremes and consequently folks tend to be drawn to us. Some seek us out due to our passionate nature, our charisma, our charm, or simply because we tend to have the best stories. If we allow them to get close they generally either love us or hate us. From a distance they envy or admire the results we achieve but it’s easy to overlook the cost of a great physique, rapid career advancement, or a seemingly perfect family.

In layperson terms, addictive behavior is characterized by a loss of control and repeating a set of behaviors despite negative consequences. As my friends in AA say, “We found we needed more and more of what doesn’t work.” Addictive personalities are generally relentless. We don’t accept defeat and when things don’t turn out well we tend to simply redouble our efforts.

The unmanageability of our way of being is evident in many ways. We get lost in our pursuits and can’t find our way back. Some of us experience profound losses. In spite of all we do and all we hide the bottom line is: we’re okay as long as we’re running but every time we stop and take stock we still feel empty.

Doing Enough Vs. Being Enough

Those of us with addictive personalities allow our pursuits to overshadow our lives. We aren’t human beings in a sense - we’re human doers. We don’t know how to just be and we tend to associate our worth with our productivity and results. What really drives us is the desire to become something greater through attaining progressively greater goals but it’s just never enough. The worst thing that can happen to us is reaching the top rung.

So Then What?

People with addictive personalities often struggle to be loved. We tend to take others for granted. We neglect the people we love as we chase our next dream. The best thing that can happen to us is we come to the same realization for the ten thousandth time: “It” (the latest goal, scheme, dream) just doesn’t matter as much as we want it to and will never give us what we truly want. Only then can we become open to the possibility that we matter – that we are enough.

When we realign our priorities we become free to invest in things that are far greater than ourselves.

• Family, kin & friendships
• Community
• Important causes
• (And most of all) spiritual growth

We can realize that others have great ambition and dreams and we can play a part in bringing them to fruition. We can learn to feel a part of instead of apart from. We can know a sense of belonging that has always eluded us and we can come to accept the truth others hold of us instead of clinging to a belief system that has the net effect of making us miserable.

In this way the emptiness becomes filled. Folks in AA often refer to it as a “God sized” or “God shaped” hole. It’s not about religion (unless that works for you). It’s about maintaining loving connections to things greater than self whether they be things in nature, groups of people we love, or something we can choose to call “God.”

Image Copyright: Alex Proimos

Are there any advantages to finding a therapist from your own cultural or sub-cultural group? If your therapist isn't 'like' you (for example, in recovery) how can you be sure he or she understands and can help you? Here's advice on finding a good therapist, whether from your shared group or beyond.

Is Shared Identity Important?

Cultures and subcultures are based on the shared identity, beliefs, customs and values of a particular group within a larger social context.

In the U.S. we tend to associate these most readily with race and socioeconomic status. In consideration for choosing a therapist, we often seek those with shared and identifiable commonalities. We do this with the expectation that those most similar to ourselves will most readily understand and support us.

The less a clinician is immediately identifiable as being a member of a subculture, the more problematic selection becomes. In the context of recovery from addiction, the subculture most often considered is whether the clinician is a person who is in recovery. In the context of a person who is gay, lesbian, transgendered, bi-sexual, or questioning, there may be significant concerns regarding the sexual identity and/or the respect a clinician has for this aspect of a person’s identity. In these circumstances, we tend to rely on reputations, recommendations made by people we see as being like ourselves, and self disclosures made publicly by clinicians to help us make our selections.

In the case of rural service settings and in other circumstances in which we are not able to locate a clinician that we identify with, we are left to choose from an available pool. If feasible (affordable), seeking a clinician through online therapy is a trade off of personal preference as we sacrifice the advantages of meeting in person for the opportunity to connect to a member of our own culture.

Whether or not you find someone from your own culture or subculture to work with, here are some tips on making sure you forge an effective therapeutic alliance:

Ensuring a Good Fit

The factors of a good working relationship between client and clinician tend to be intangibles that are not identifiable prior to meeting. I encourage folks to interview the clinician they seek to work with. Passive approaches to treatment tend to yield slow and often unsatisfying results. Better to ensure that the person we’ve chosen or been referred to is someone we can be confident will be accepting, supportive and able to challenge us.

Potential Interview Questions:

• What biases do you have clinically?
• What experience do you have in bridging gaps between cultures?
• What did your training and education teach you about how to relate to people of my culture? (Seeking preconceived or erroneous assumptions).
• Does your world view or belief system dictate anything about people of my culture?
• What do you believe about people who struggle as I do ( whether it’s addiction, sexual identity, poverty, discrimination, oppression, sexism, or other socially divisive identity/challenge).

We have a right to know about the ability a clinician has to understand to our experience. To a lesser extent we have a right to know their ability to relate.

• We who seek to overcome addiction have the right to know whether our clinicians are in recovery from addiction.
  
• Those of us seeking couples counseling have a right to know about their clinician’s relational history (why would we seek marriage counseling from a clinician with three divorces?)
  

A clinician who is not willing to share such pertinent truths about themselves is not a person I’d recommend working with.

If Not Relating, Understanding

A clinician who is healthy and secure is able to take the perspective of others and attempts to see the world as their client does. Challenging the beliefs and internal behaviors that define a person’s perspective allows development of greater clarity and a deeper understanding of self. A good clinician is able to point toward possible blinders on our worldview and self imposed limitations.

He or she understands that even if they experienced the same struggles as their client they were not necessarily impacted in the same ways. The LAST thing a clinician should ever say to a client is, “I know how you feel.” Assumptions limit us and take away our voice.

Trust Your Gut

As you come to the end of your first session with a new clinician, make eye contact and then take a moment to connect to your intuition. It’s the best tool we have, especially with limited information/experience. Ask yourself, “Does s/he seem like someone who can understand and help me?” If we are able to separate what we feel emotionally from what we sense, we will know if we’re heading in the right direction or if we need to seek another clinician.

Multiculturalism as Opportunity

Perhaps our greatest opportunity in celebrating diversity lies in our willingness to learn from those outside of our identified culture. As clients we have no responsibility or obligation to educate our clinicians beyond what we wish for them to understand about us personally. However old adages still ring true, “If you really want to learn something, teach it.” Sharing what we most value or most struggle with about our culture is an opportunity to reexamine and further integrate our individual selves with our collective identity.

The institutions, traditions, and resources of every culture are important strengths to be integrated into treatment. The more we seek to utilize cultural beliefs, values and practices to promote understanding, coping and needs fulfillment, the more readily we achieve catharsis and holistic health. A good therapist is always looking to put themselves out of a job. The more we work together in treatment to identify natural supports the less reliance on professional supports is perpetuated.

Image Copyright: Eyesplash

Everybody talks about achieving "work/life balance" as if it were an attainable goal (usually, it's not). But if we understand the trade-offs we make - and prioritize our wants and the needs, we can stop blaming ourselves and actually find our own satisfaction and happiness.

Don't you just love watching the rich and famous talk about "work - life balance" on TV? Or listening to your single friends with no kids talk about "balancing" their work and leisure? Or reading stories about the families who opened their own business to "be in charge" of their own time?

While these stories may provide us with the "can do" spirit - if they can do it so can we - it also sometimes sets the unrealistic goal that everybody can have everything they want in life:

• Only doing the jobs they want to do
• Having more money than they need
  
• Still being able to do whatever they want to do with their time - leisure activities, raising children, keeping fit.  

Then we chase this impossible goal - trying to find a better job and more money; finding that there is never more time, and feeling unbalanced and irritated that everyone else can find this - so why can't we????

Everything's a Trade-Off

First of all, we need to remember that everything in life is a trade-off.

The rich and famous sacrifice privacy, normalcy, and live under various threats that fame and fortune carry.  "Having it all" is seldom all it seems - although we always think we could do it better, not make mistakes, etc., the history of lottery winners who end up worse off than if they had never won proves that there are huge trade-offs to possessing the large sums of cash we thought would fix everything. 

So, Prioritize Your Trades

Secondly, as everything is a trade off, then we need to prioritize our trades.

Some of us still want an awesome relationship with our mate and to have and raise smart, balanced, capable children. Our single friends may cry about their struggles with balance, but add in a spouse and kids and suddenly that single struggle seems easy.

Choosing to trade some "balance" to instead invest more of our time in priceless relationships and in growing great kids (or trying to) may mean less "me" time - although it is still always important to take care of our own needs - but the trade-off in creating a fulfilling family unit is the ultimate priority for many of us. 

Find Your Unique Balance

Thirdly, as we need to prioritize our trades, we can choose how to find our own balance of wants and needs, and we can and should feel good about the life we live.

The folks who start their own businesses may find more flexibility to meet family responsibilities, but owning a business often takes far more time than a "regular" job, and they may trade things such as corporate employment stability, company sponsored health and retirement plans, and the ability of a larger employer to absorb disasters or turns in the economy. 

Some of us may choose a lower paying job with a more stable employer - to provide more consistent income for our families. Some of us may choose a high risk occupation on a temporary basis - as it suits our short term needs - and make plans while saving for the next rainy day. Some may choose an occupation they don't love, but that allows them the flexibility to meet their children's activity schedules. 

Whatever the choices may be, by having confidence that these are the best fit for us, in our current and projected future situations, we are all doing the best we can to choose wisely. 

You Can Build Satisfaction

We trade our time for energy, we trade our time and energy for money, we spend money on necessities, we spend our necessities trying to find time for relationships and leisure. Will it all balance out perfectly for every person on every day in exactly the same way? Not likely! But understanding that all of our choices are trading off something for something else, and then taking control of those choices to match our priorities - that is the balance that we can attain. Satisfaction comes from creating a life wherein we choose the best trades we can to make our own lives fit our own needs.  We strive for our own "perfection" and not anyone else's. 

This is not to say we should not seek improvement in our lives or jobs or circumstances, rather it is to say when we choose well, we have chosen our best balance - and we can feel assured that our own "balance" is good.  

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Believing in something greater than yourself can bring meaning to your life and help you feel connected to the world around you. Learn how to open yourself up to your spiritual side and find what you believe in.

Opening yourself up to a spiritual life can help you lead a happier and more peaceful life. It can add meaning to your life and make you feel more connected to the world and other people. However, finding spirituality can be confusing and contradictory. I was always the type of person who believed in science. I didn't think I could believe in something that I couldn't see or have facts to back up. But spirituality wasn't what I thought it was.

What Is Spirituality?

Spirituality is something that is difficult to define. It's the kind of thing that you feel and understand on a deeper level. In earlier times, spirituality was closely connected to organized religion. Over time, the meaning of spirituality has changed. It has become less about religion and more about personal development, being connected to others and to something greater than yourself and finding peace.

Personal development involves growing and changing. As people grow and mature, they begin to develop a value system of their own. We tend to get our values from our parents. However as we mature, we may discover we have our own values. Some of those may be the same as our parents but others may change because the world has changed. In our ever changing world, the values of our parents don't always fit with the time we live in.

We live in a time of great technological advances. Computers, cell phones and other electronic devices have changed the world we live in. They were meant to make our life easier. Often, they keep us further apart. Children used to spend more time playing outside with other children. Television changed that. It became easier to watch something on TV and our lives became more sedentary. Computers and cell phones made it easier for people to communicate with people all over the world. Over time it became easier to pick up the phone, use the internet or text someone than to talk in person. At the same time, this makes us feel disconnected. People don't always know their neighbors anymore. Spirituality is something that connects people and makes them feel a part of something. It conveys a sense of belonging. Human beings are social beings. We need to feel connected to other people.

Spirituality makes you feel connected to something greater than yourself. It brings meaning to your life and helps you feel your life has purpose. This in turn brings people a sense of peace. Life without meaning and purpose can feel empty and lonely. People need meaning and purpose to give their life direction. The world can be a chaotic place. Having something greater than yourself to believe in makes you feel like you have a place in the world.

What Can Spirituality Bring to Your Life?

You may be asking yourself what spirituality can do for you. You may wonder how it can improve your life or what the purpose of it is. While much of what it can do for you is included in the previous section, the following list is a summary of what spirituality brings to your life. It isn't a comprehensive list but it can give you an idea of why you would want to develop a spiritual life.

1. Personal development
2. Growth
   
3. Defining values
4. Connection to other people
5. Connection to something greater than yourself
6. Peace
7. Purpose
8. Meaning
9. Belonging
10. Faith

Before You Begin Your Journey

There are many different ways to open yourself up to your spiritual side. There are some things to consider as you prepare for your spiritual journey.

• Some people have a spiritual awakening where they come to a sudden realization about their spirituality.
  
• A spiritual awakening can be a gradual process. Don't be hard on yourself if it doesn't happen all at once.
  
• Discovering your spirituality can be a lifelong journey. Don't expect it to happen overnight.
• There are no right or wrong ways to discover spirituality or live a spiritual life.
  
• Spirituality can be sought through organized religion but it doesn't have to be.
• Spirituality is very personal. Your spirituality is whatever you believe it to be.
  
• Think about what you already believe as you begin looking for your spirituality.
  

How Do You Discover Your Spiritual Side?

Discovering your spirituality is discovering what you believe in. No one can tell you what to believe in. It is something you will have to find for yourself. You can begin by discovering what you already believe.

• Make a list of your values. Write down things that you believe are important in life.
• Write down what you believe is right and wrong behavior.
  
• Ask yourself questions about controversial issues like abortion, homosexuality or politics.
• Who do look up to and what do they believe?
• Think about times in your life when you have struggled. We often discover what we believe when we are going through tough times.
  

Learn about Other People's Beliefs

While spirituality is a personal business, one way to begin is by looking at what other people believe. By discovering what others believe, you may find something that you feel is right for you. There's no reason to reinvent the wheel if you can find something already available that works for you. Here are some ways you can go about finding what others believe.

• Learn about organized religions. Discover their beliefs, customs and how they worship. See if any of the religions fit with what you already believe.
  
• Do some research online. Look for local churches in your area, what they have to offer and what they believe in.
  
• Read books about spirituality. Discover what the authors believe and notice anything that seems right for you.
  
• Read the sacred texts of various religions. If something seems right, explore it further.
  
• Ask friends and family about their beliefs. Tell them you are trying to discover your spirituality and see if they have any suggestions. Be open to having discussions about spirituality.
  
• Talk to local religious leaders. Ask them for any advice on discovering your spirituality.
  
• Try attending a service at a different church each week. Discover what you like and what you don't like. See if you are drawn to any particular service or idea.
• Take a class in religion or spirituality. Learning more about what is available will help you discover what direction to go in.
• There are many television programs and documentaries available on spirituality and different religions that can help you learn more about what other people believe.

Look for Alternatives

If you are unsure what you believe and organized religion doesn't seem to be for you, don't give up hope. There are many other alternatives to consider.

• Some people choose to have a Higher Power in their life. A higher power is anything greater than yourself. In addiction recovery, many people use a 12 Step group or a sponsor for their Higher Power. If you are not in recovery, you may find another group that is greater than yourself.
• Some people find spirituality through meditation. Meditation can help you discover the answers you have been looking for.
• Alternative medicine like acupuncture, herbalism, homeopathy, Reiki, aromatherapy, etc. could be part of your spiritual life.
• Work on being a good person and living life according to a set of principles. Think about who you want to be. Try to become your ideal self.
  
• Try helping others. Altruism can bring your life meaning. You could volunteer for a charity you believe to be worthwhile.
  
• Having a purpose in life can bring an inner sense of peace and help you discover your spirituality. Try to find a career in a field you believe is important. Or find something that you feel will improve the world you live in. Perhaps working for a political cause or becoming an advocate for a cause you believe in.
  

Questions for Reflection

Asking yourself some questions might help you discover more about your spirituality. The answers to these questions may help you discover what is important to you, what you believe and what spirituality means to you. Write the answers down. Sometimes it is easier to gain insight when we write things down. It helps us process it to see it on paper.

1. Has there been a time in your life when you felt more spiritual?
2. Do you believe in God? What is God? What is God like? How can you find God? Where does God fit in your life?
   
3. Have you ever seen or felt something you couldn't explain?
4. When someone dies, what do you believe happens to them? What do you think will happen to you when you die?
5. How do you feel after thinking about spirituality? Is there any different religion or idea that makes you feel a sense of peace and joy?
6. What does make you feel peace and joy?
7. What are your thoughts on love? What is it? Where does it come from?
8. What do you think the meaning of life is? Why do you think we are here?
9. Where did life come from? And where is it going? Where do you think man will be a hundred years from now? Or a thousand?
10. How have you changed over your life? How have you grown? Is change and growth important to you? Why is it important?
    

I know discovering your spirituality can seem like a huge task to take on but remember it doesn't have to be done in a day. You have your whole life to discover your spiritual side and solidify your beliefs.

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High school and college provide instant social populations and ample dating opportunities most of the time. But what about after college? If a college graduate has only his new job, while his peer group has also moved on, where does he look for friendship, for dating and romance?

A few generations ago, it seems that for many people the trend was to graduate from high school, get married, and have kids. Then it moved to graduate from high school, go to college, marry high school sweetheart or college honey, move in together or get married, and have kids.  These days, with the tough economy, higher educational requirements, and fewer job opportunities, many college graduates are still living a single life but longing for a mate or a date. But without the resource-rich campus life, how does one find love?

Finding Love - Get out There!

So much has changed so quickly in our electronic age.  We can have 1000 friends and yet be lonelier than ever.  We can tweet our deepest thoughts to the entire twitterverse, but not be able to find that one special person with whom to share our most intimate selves.  Often left with no further social pool than our co-workers, and being that office romances are not always wise nor practical, where do we look for friends, socializing and potential dates?

Join a Group

Go places and join groups that involve the life you want to live.  If you would want a mate to go to church - then don't wait, join a church.  Many churches have singles groups and "after college" young adult groups.  If you would want to be involved in community volunteering - then don't wait, start helping out.  There's no guarantee you will meet that special someone, but you will meet people with interests similar to yours and lifestyles similar to your goals. 

Follow Your Interests

Ever wanted to try a new hobby?  Marriages and families can require a large amount of time, so if there are things you want to try, now is the time.  With fewer extra scheduling requirements, there may be more ability to really get adventurous, travel, try new things.  This will also put you in potential situations to meet like minded people, or just a wide variety of people.  Nurture and cultivate your own interests and if nothing else, you can find people who also enjoy those interests.

Online Dating?

More conventional avenues such as bar hopping, night clubs and dating services can help as well. (Always be cautious, go out in groups, meet in public places, and follow good privacy practices, especially with online dating.)  Meet-ups, exercise clubs, book clubs, and special topic groups (photography, astronomy, foreign films, sci-fi fans, etc) can also contain a variety of people ready to meet and greet.

The bottom line - Go out and be open to living a happy life.  Whatever you do, if you go with an open mind and ready friendship, and you just live a happy life, then even if you don't meet that special someone right away, you have already lived the life you wanted, and happily.  

Image Copyright: Camdiluv