Bullying can dramatically change life's course. It's a pervasive cultural problem. We must teach ourselves and our children not to bully.

Bullying has been an issue for humanity for a very long time. Unfortunately, it took recent events, such as, violence perpetrated by and at schoolchildren, for people to give it the attention it needs. These violent events often seem to point to bullying as one of the problems that led to the violence.¹ Certainly it's not that simple. But, being bullied is a problem that leads to school adjustment difficulties.² 

The Emotional Consequences of Bullying

• Victims of bullying are more likely to suffer from an emotional or mental condition, including an eating disorder and an increased likelihood of psychotic symptoms as adolescents
• They are also more likely to smoke cigarettes and as adults, to experience violent victimization and homelessness, drink more, and binge drink more often³
• Peer victimization has been consistently found to predict concurrent and future onset of a range of behavior problems and depressive symptoms⁴
• Indirect bullying (spreading rumors or not talking to someone on purpose) significantly predicts anxiety, depression, and withdrawn behaviors⁵

My own clinical experience associates childhood bullying with depression, anxiety, and relationship difficulties as adults.

What is Bullying?

Let me first define bullying:

• Bullying is what we often call verbal abuse. It's the sort of words and statements that would be readily recognized by anyone else listening in, even though they don't know the context.
• Indirect behavior, often called emotional abuse, is beyond the scope of this article. Using veiled threats, innuendo, insinuation and other sorts of indirect behavior designed to be intimidating can be seen as bullying. However, identifying it as such can be as subtle as in intimidating words that are only understood as such by the person intended. This issue is very complex and can't possibly be dealt with in a short article.

Bullying has been a part of childhood for time immemorial. Up until recently schools have avoided involving themselves in bullying that didn't disrupt classroom function. But given the recent events that have tied bullying to future violence, there have been a large number of schools who have developed bullying policies including those who have gone as far as zero tolerance. 

Bullying in childhood can dramatically change life's course. Bullying during school years has been associated with later problems with depression and anxiety. Some children are more sensitive than others. Major problems in adulthood generally have several contributing factors such as genes, parenting, and social experiences. Young children internalize experiences into assumptions about themselves and their world. A young child could take personal responsibility for the bullying by making the assumption, "I can't do anything right." Or, children can come to believe that the world is a hostile and dangerous place. Children with these basic assumptions may limit their life choices based on a belief they are less likely to be successful. They may avoid taking risks of any sort because of a belief that the world is inherently dangerous. 

Adults Often Model Bullying

Bullying is not just about children. Bullying happens between adults in social settings. The bully may see his behavior is justified by the victim’s behavior or words.

Bullying can be seen as the oppressor victimizing the oppressed or as a form of punishment for bad behavior. Bullying is a pervasive part of our culture. 

Bullying most often occurs in the context of a power imbalance. A bully intimidates his victim, a husband intimidates his wife or vice versa, or an employer intimidates his employee. Seldom will a bully take on an individual with equal power or one of superior power without others standing by in support. So bullying is not as simple as misbehavior, it is an abuse of power. 

A bully may have an anger problem and may create many problems for themselves as well as others. But being a bully is not the same as having an anger problem. A person with a serious anger problem may be as likely to be angry and abusive to people who are powerful as to those who are powerless. Thus their behavior draws cultural sanctions such as being excluded from future opportunity, attending a particular event, the end of the relationship, the loss of child custody or even arrest. 

Anger doesn't make people act angry. People have to make a choice to act angry in order to appear so. Many people feel as if their anger makes the choice. Everyone has heard the words, "you made me angry" as if that was excusing the angry behavior. 

Think about the last time you got angry at an authority figure, such as the boss. Most people, even those who have issues with anger, are able to choose to restrain themselves around more powerful people.

Bullying is a form of predatory social behavior. Children often naturally engage in bullying, because it is, in part, human nature to assert physical power over a weaker other. Bullying however, undermines orderly civil discourse, mutual interdependence and protection of the vulnerable.  We must be taught to avoid bullying.  

Managing Anger

Just because we get angry when someone does something we don't like doesn't justify treating them disrespectfully or hurtfully. This idea is captured in the phrase “two wrongs don't make a right.” Disrespectful behavior occurs between individuals and whole societies. Revenge seeking by one party tends to provoke revenge seeking by the other. This process can spiral uncontrollably until an awful lot of damage is done.

The solution to anger problems is not repressing or suppressing your anger. First, you need to understand what it is. Anger is a message from your body that someone has been disrespectful or crossed your boundaries, or that you have been over-sensitive to this situation. Anger prepares us to act to protect ourselves. Fortunately, in most situations of modern life, the behavioral response that accompanies anger involves being assertive rather than violent. The fact is, you can choose to use your anger to do whatever you want. With practice and time you can learn to take your anger and use it to listen more closely. You can also use your anger as a barometer for your boundary issue with others and as motivation to persist at discovering the problem. 

Some people struggle to be assertive. Perhaps they have experienced anger as being dangerous, like in an abusive situation. So they recognize their own anger as a potential danger to themselves or others. So instead of speaking up, they suppress their anger, try to cover it up, and that leads to all sorts of other problems. Anger piled up for a long period time often leaks out in ways that does damage to relationships. Sometimes it explodes in inappropriate behavior. At other times it shows up in choice of words or tone of voice or in behavior that is indirectly targeted at frustrating the object of the anger. 

Some of us sit on our anger for a very long period of time never completely resolving the situation. This can often be a source of depression or anxiety. Strong negative emotions awaken the autonomic nervous system, that part of the body that protects us when we are scared or angry. Our body is chemically prepared to act in quick and dramatic ways. If we don't discharge that energy in some way, it will lie in our bloodstream doing physical and emotional damage. 

For example, under stress our adrenal gland releases increased levels of cortisol into our blood stream. This is part of our flight-fight response that temporarily gives us a quick burst of energy for survival reasons, heightened memory functions, a burst of increased immunity, and a lower sensitivity to pain. However, if we don’t relax soon after, the cortisol will lead to impaired cognitive performance, smaller brain volumes, blood sugar imbalances, decreased bone density, decrease in muscle tissue, higher blood pressure, lowered immunity and inflammatory responses in the body, slowed wound healing, and increased abdominal fat.
^6 7 8 9

Strong emotion is a physical sort of motivation that needs to be used in constructive ways. Some people only know how to use it in physical, large motor behavior. While exercise can be an effective way to discharge this excess emotional energy, it also robs us of motivation that can enable us to do things that are difficult, to solve problems, to speak up and be assertive, or to take personal responsibility and make some changes.

We need to learn a constructive way to influence events rather than damaging the other person's self-esteem or socially ostracize as a means to an end.

The Skills

We must learn to manage anger appropriately and express that anger constructively with assertiveness skills. And we must teach our children to do the same. Anger can be redirected at will, but for those who can’t already do that, I’d suggested an intermediate step. 

What is Anger, And What Do You Do With It?

If you find yourself angry enough to impulsively act on your anger with words or actions, STOP! If you need to, take a walk or run until you can sit and think through what just happened. Counting to 10 is probably not can it give you enough time to think about a more reasoned response to your anger. 

Sit with your anger mindfully. Look backwards in time until you can identify what triggered your anger. The intensity of the feelings you have about this particular situation is a rough indication of how important this issue is to you. Is your anger a proportionate reaction to the trigger? Are you overreacting to a relatively unimportant problem? While there maybe a few situations that could be so triggering as to warrant an impulsive response, I would argue that in relationships, impulsiveness is risky and often counterproductive even with long term stable relationships. The next question is, where did that extra anger come from if not this situation? Is there some other aspect to the situation that might need some attention before trying to respond to the current one? If there is a complicating factor unrelated to the current situation, can you proceed with resolving the current situation without further anger spill over? If not, you need more time to work on the older situation that is spilling over. 

Assertiveness

A Peaceful Way To Influence Events

If you can put the other issue aside, then consider how you might redirect your anger in appropriate assertiveness. 

“I feel_____________ when you_____________. I would like it if you’d___________.“

The first part “I feel __________" takes responsibility for your own feelings and removes the implication of blame and/or that “you made me feel…”.  Not everyone will feel the same as we.

“When you _________” refers to the other’s behavior. This statement needs to be very specific and as objective and dispassionate as possible. You should describe this part in a way that will represent your concern without triggering a defensive reaction if that’s possible.  Limit this part to a sentence or two. If the other person wishes to restate this part in a way more acceptable to him, that’s ok, as long as it restates adequately what you are trying to say.

“What I would like for you to do instead is _________” should be said simply and in as few words as possible.  This is your proposal to address your concern that inspired you to be assertive. 

Remember, assertiveness is not about taking control, it’s about negotiating a solution to your concern. You may not always get what you want. But you can sometimes feel better about having addressed your concern, and you may get a compromise you can live with. 

If you feel like this is an important issue that will affect your relationship with the person long term, consider bringing it up again, or changing the relationship, such as withdrawing some cooperation with the person. Then when the person complains, remind them of the issue you brought up to them and they dismissed. Note that the basis of all satisfactory relationships is mutual cooperation. If that method doesn't help, perhaps it is time to think about ending the relationship.

Not everyone will appreciate your assertiveness. In fact, some people will not tolerate even appropriate assertiveness. Assertiveness is truly an art. Every time we speak up we can learn something new about this skill. Everyone has their own sensitivities, so keep polishing your diplomatic skills. 

Say 'No' to Bullying

We all need reminders that bullying is destructive. And we must teach our children that bullying is inappropriate. Bullying is most likely to happen when there is a lack of empathy for the victim. Talk to your children about their feelings. Helping them mindfully review where their feelings came from, the options they have available to them, and the consequences of each will help send to mindfully review their feelings before they act on them. 

All feelings are okay, what's important is what we do with them. Feelings are the essence of motivation. If we are to have a productive life, we must harness our emotions and put them to work in constructive actions.

Though it seems like revenge will make us feel better, researchers say it does the exact opposite. Luckily, where revenge fails forgiveness soars, and when you forgive someone else it’s you who benefits most. Learn to beat lingering anger with a 5 step method to true forgiveness.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Lewis B.¹

When you forgive you make a conscious and compassionate decision to release your resentment and ideas of revenge.²

Why Forgive?

1: Forgiveness does not require you to accept or excuse any past wrongdoing or to forget what has happened.

2: Forgiveness does not require reconciliation. You may forgive someone and also choose to end a relationship.

3: Forgiveness is associated with greater psychological well-being.

4: Revenge doesn’t make people feel any better – in fact research shows it increases anger levels.

Won’t Revenge Make You Feel Better?

Been wronged and looking to get even?

Well, though you might dream of the satisfaction of revenge, research suggests that payback doesn’t really provide much happiness – in fact, it’s almost guaranteed to make you feel worse.

Although we may believe that getting even will ease our tension and anger, research suggests that people who exact vengeance are actually angrier after doing so than those that never get a chance at retribution.

• In one research experiment, a confederate experimenter (subjects did not know this person was part of the experiment) angered individual study participants by unfairly criticizing their work.
• Later in the experiment, half the subjects played a game where they were allowed to punish the confederate with an uncomfortably loud air horn when he/she got an answer wrong. The other half of the subjects got no such opportunity for revenge.
• At the end of the experiment, subjects were assessed for their anger levels and those that had been given an opportunity at revenge were consistently angrier than those who had been given no such opportunity.

It’s easy to get sucked into tempting dreams (and actions) of revenge, but while we plot, obsess and scheme at thoughts of payback we also stay focused on how we’ve been hurt or wronged - and by staying so focused on the negative you keep feelings of hurt and anger alive, to your own detriment.

And if you’re not careful, obsessing about those who’ve harmed you can influence your world-view - In fact, research shows that people who believe in the importance of getting even are:

• More likely to view people as generally bad or malevolent
• Quicker to express anger during everyday life
• Believe that people who treat others unfavorably deserve maltreatment, anger and ridicule³

So once you can accept that revenge won’t make you feel any better, it’s probably time to consider what will actually improve your peace of mind and quality of life…learning to forgive.

The Benefits of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is an act of generosity toward someone who, due to their transgressions, does not deserve your understanding.

With forgiveness you offer a gift of compassion to a person who has done you wrong – but you also act with compassion toward yourself, because with forgiveness, it is you who benefits most.

Not convinced? Well, scientists say forgiveness is associated with:

• Better personal relationships
• Lowered blood pressure
• Less stress, anxiety and depression
• Less substance abuse
• A greater sense of psychological well being
• A greater sense of spiritual fulfillment
• More life satisfaction
• Overall better physical health (un-forgiveness may be associated with decreased immune system functioning)⁴

Forgiveness - A How to Guide

Anger and hate come naturally, forgiveness rarely does - but though the process of letting go takes a little effort you'll never regret freeing yourself from the heavy burdens of blame and resentment.

But to do it right you have to understand that forgiveness is a process, not a single act, and that you can't build true forgiveness until you've come to terms with your anger.

It's never easy to let go when you have full right to demand justice but it's always in your best interest to do so. If you're like most of us, your forgiveness skills could use a tune-up, so here's a 5 step guide, from forgiveness exert R. Klimes Ph.D. that provides an easy to follow framework for the practice of letting go and moving on.

5 Steps to Forgiveness

1. Acknowledge the Anger You Feel

Make a conscious effort to acknowledge your anger and pain. Feel it as deeply as you can and connect your emotions to specific actions (transgressions).

You cannot truly release your anger until you accept that it is real and present, until you've felt it and until you've connected the way you're feeling to transgressions that have caused you to feel as you do.

2. Stop Any Thoughts of Revenge

You can't move towards forgiveness if you're still plotting your justified revenge! So if you're serious about letting go then you need to make a conscious effort to stop thoughts about punishment or revenge.

3. Try to look at Things from the Offender's Position

While under anger's influence you're more likely to think in absolutes, but this kind of black and white thinking leaves no room for all the shades of grey that influence another person's actions against you.

Forget your anger for a while and try to look at things from another point of view - and really try to understand why he or she acted as she did against you.

By taking this mental step back and by re-framing the situation from another light you may find that you gain understanding and compassion for the person who offended against you - and compassion and understanding are two qualities that make it far easier to truly forgive.

4. Decide to Accept the Hurt without Passing It On

You've been harmed by the actions of another person and there's nothing you can do today that will change this truth from the past.

You can take the pain you've felt and pass it to another person, such as the offender, or you can choose to let it end with you.

• If it ends with you, your emotional or physical pain from the past remains the same but you cause no one else any pain
• If you decide to pass that pain forward, your pain from the past remains the same, you cause another person pain and there is a good chance that through escalation, you'll soon feel more pain again.

5. Release the Offender with True Forgiveness

As a last step, release the offender from their offense through the gift of true compassionate forgiveness.

You do not need to condone what happened but with true forgiveness you release your claim of justified anger and resentment.⁵

Image Copyright: Brandon Christopher Warren

Anger issues? Do you need to work on a healthier conflict resolution? Learn how assertiveness can help you deal with anger in a productive way.

Anger - you can't escape it and you repress it at your peril.

Though an anger-free world sounds nice, people will disappoint and mistreat you and there's nothing you can do about it. Fortunately, you can control how you respond to mistreatment and feelings of anger, and the path you choose can have an enormous impact on your happiness, mental health, quality of relationships, career success and much more.

When another person mistreats you can choose to...

1. Obey what's often a first impulse and react aggressively in return (including passive aggressive behaviors) with actions such as yelling, name calling, violence, angry emails or phone calls etc...
2. Repress your anger and try to forget how you've been wronged.
3. Clearly communicate how you feel you've been mistreated and work towards a satisfactory outcome or resolution.

By choosing the third option you stand up for your rights and you also work towards remedying an unsatisfactory situation.

Why Assertive Anger Management Works Better

Ever have a trivial argument with a loved one that escalated unnecessarily to all out warfare?

1. Reacting with aggression generally escalates an already bad situation and can result in unintended negative consequences. Screaming at someone may release some of your tension for a moment but it's unlikely to result in a reversal of mistreatment and may amplify a bad situation with new consequences.
2. Repressing your anger without addressing the mistreatment does nothing to rectify the situation and can result in diminished self esteem.

Anger creates physiological changes, similar to a stress response. You can repress your behavioral response to anger but you can't repress the physiological response and so people who regularly repress anger rather than venting frustrations in healthier ways risk serious physical and mental health consequences, such as heart disease and high blood pressure, digestive problems, lowered immune functioning, depression, increased pain sensitivity, substance abuse and addiction and other compulsive behaviors.¹

• Responding assertively to communicate your position and working towards a positive outcome to the situation avoids the pitfalls of the first two approaches.

By communicating your position in an assertive manner you stand up for your rights and in doing so you release unhealthy stress energy.

With clear and rational communication toward a resolution you diffuse anger, reduce knee-jerk aggression responses and increase the likelihood of a satisfactory outcome for all.

A Playbook Guide to Assertive Anger Management 9 Steps to Effective Conflict Resolution

So the next time someone does you wrong and you're ready to explode, follow this 9 step process to resolving the situation and see how well assertive conflict resolution can work and feel.

1. Don't Respond Right Away

Whether it's 5 seconds or 24 hours, if at all possible, take as much time as you need to assess the situation with a clear head and to avoid negative communication which distracts from actually resolving the issue at hand.

2. Make Sure You Understand Your Anger Before You Make Any Response

Is your anger appropriate, in proportion to the situation and offense and justified? Are you really angry over what just happened or have you bundled this event with events or people from the past?

3. Think Realistically about What's Going to Happen and about What You Want to Happen

So someone's done you wrong and you're about to communicate your feelings and seek a resolution,  but you can't seek resolution until you've thought about your rights and decided on what you want and what's fair to all parties.

What's the other person going to do or say when you present your side? What will you do or say in response?

If you tend to repress your anger rather than assert yourself you may fall victim to overestimating the probable risks of a confrontation. Talk to a friend (or co-worker)  to get a second opinion on what's likely to happen.

4. Plan for a Successful Meeting

Once you've decided that your anger is justified and you've thought about and accepted the possible costs and benefits of a confrontation it's time to plan for a successful meeting.

Try to pick a time and place where:

• Both parties feel comfortable and your counterpart will be most likely to hear what you need to say
• You will have sufficient privacy
• There will be no interruption

5. Don't Let an Aggressive Delivery Distract from Your Message

The whole point of seeking a meeting is to effectively communicate your message, so don't let the tone of your delivery hijack attention away from what you need to say.

You're angry and you believe your anger is justified, but if your tone of voice and overall demeanor is overly aggressive you risk provoking defensiveness and hostility and reduce the likelihood of successful communication as your counterpart reacts to your delivery, rather than to the content of your message.²

Being assertive means respecting yourself and also respecting the rights of others.

Be firm, but communicate with respect.

6. Maintain Assertive Body language

Don't let passive or nervous body language weaken the assertive message you're there to deliver.

During the meeting:

• Calm yourself by remembering to take deep even breaths
• Keep both feet flat on the floor
• Maintain eye contact
• Try to sit or stand so that you are both at the same level
• Speak clearly and slowly, trying to maintain an even inflection³

Avoid:

• Slouching
• Fiddling with anything
• Hiding your face with your hair or hand

7. Use 'I' Statements Instead of 'You' Statements

I statements are perceived to be less hostile than you statements.

For example:

• Saying "I am angry because I felt disrespected after I didn't get any credit for a project I have been working very hard on."

Sounds much less confrontational than:

• You took the credit and you never even thought about me. You're such a terrible boss!

The first is clear a statement of facts which can't be denied and which sets the tone for a productive discussion...the second is inflammatory and can lead to non productive arguing.

8. Talk... but also Listen

Your meeting needs to have back and forth and give and take. Say what you need to say but when you're done make sure you listen (and really try to hear) to what's said in return.

Personal feelings aside, if you're after a successful outcome you'll have to at least understand the opposing point of view.

9. End the Meeting with a 'Thank You'

Whatever the outcome, thank the other person for taking the time to meet with you.

Image Copyright: O5com

Quick to anger? Learn 7 simple strategies for cooling down fast when you feel that rage threatening to spill over.

If you struggle to control your anger you've undoubtedly said and done things in the heat of the moment that you later regretted - or which caused you significant negative consequences. Anger leads to irrational thoughts and impulsive behaviors and what you do in the midst of rage doesn't always reflect the person you truly are or wish to be.

Fortunately, though angry impulses aren't easily resisted, you can learn techniques that help you stay in control while you calm down.

7 Strategies for Calming Your Anger Quickly...

Struggle with keeping your cool? Try one or more of the following anger management tips from The National Health Service and see if your efforts aren't rewarded with a little more calm and a little less regret!

Slow Your Breathing

Anger quickens your breathing and rapid respiration serves as a physiological cue to maintain your anger and stress.

Signal to your body that the need for anger has passed with slow intentional breaths, breathing in slowly and trying to exhale for a longer period of time than you inhale for. A few slow deep breaths can be all that's needed to get your head back to logical - rather than emotional - thinking.

Get Out of Your Environment

Sometimes it's hard to calm down when confronted with all that's been fueling your anger.

So if the office is making you crazy, take a few minutes to get away and take a short walk around the block or grab a coffee across the street. Sometimes a few minutes of separation helps you to cool off and when you return you're able to look at things from a more grounded perspective.

Use Distraction Techniques

If you can't physically remove yourself from the environment you can strive for mental separation from the source of your anger through distraction techniques.

Anything that takes your mind out of the present situation can work: try soothing music, surfing humorous or light-hearted websites or making a phone call to a friend.

Vent to a Friend or Loved One

A direct confrontation with a person who infuriates you doesn't always make things better - depending on the situation, it might just make things worse, but that doesn't mean you need to just swallow your anger either.

Try calling a good friend or loved when you need a release and rant and vent to your heart's content. You'll release some of the rage that's festering and you'll do it in a way that doesn't create any additional problem to deal with. A good friend might also offer some perspective on the situation – and anything that gets you thinking about things with logic, rather than emotion, is going to help cool you down.

A Few Minutes of Exercise

Stress and anger cause the release of hormones and neurotransmitters which provide us with the burst of energy needed to prevail in a physical confrontation. Unfortunately, violent responses rarely solve modern problems and so what you're left with is an excess of energy and nothing to expend it on.

Because of this, a few minutes of aerobic exercise helps a lot - as you release the excess energy you've mobilized you move your body and mind back toward a state of equanimity.

Count to 10

It's a simple but effective solution to the problem of acting without thinking when you're angry.

So the next time you're ready to fire off an angry email, take a deep breath and count slowly to 10 and then slowly back to 0. At the end of 20 simple seconds what seemed like the best course of action a moment ago might start to look a little rash.

Look for Some Humor in the Situation

It’s pretty hard to stay angry when laughing, so if there’s a funny side to the situation (and there usually is) try lightening the mood with a joke or two and you’ll do a lot to ease the tension.¹

Image Copyright: The Doctr

In a stormy relationship? Do meaningless disagreements tend to grow into angry fights? If so, you’re dealing with something called escalating negative affect reciprocity… and it’s a relationship killer. Luckily, there’s a cure - read on to learn about a 7 minute writing exercise that will help you to see things from your partner’s perspective and which is clinically proven to increase relationship satisfaction.

Are you as happy as you could be in your relationship? Do conflict and hard feelings diminish your happiness? Do small disagreements tend to escalate into full-blown fights?

If so, you should consider learning an easy relationship intervention that only takes a few minutes of your time and which is clinically proven to increase romantic relationship satisfaction - a 7-minute writing exercise that can save your marriage (or romantic relationship).

The Danger of "Escalating Negative Affect Reciprocity"

Few things destroy a happy marriage as effectively as something called escalating negative affect reciprocity.

What is negative affect reciprocity?

It is the tendency for one person’s negative behavior to cause another person to also display negative behavior.¹

The store clerk seems rude and unsmiling when she greets you... so you act rude and unsmiling in return.

What is escalating negative affect reciprocity?

It is the tendency to return one person’s negative behaviors with even more negative behaviors.

Your spouse complains to you about the way the garden looks so you respond by belittling his/her ability to make enough money to pay for a landscaping company. Your spouse then responds by giving you the cold shoulder silent treatment for the rest of the day while you pepper him/her back with belligerent/contemptuous statements that fuel the situation on.

What starts as an offhand negative comment escalates into a long and drawn-out downward spiral conflict.

And as you can imagine, getting into a habit of escalating negative affect reciprocity doesn’t do your relationship any good at all.

Thankfully, with effort, you can change your interaction habits.

If your relationship gets bogged down by escalating negative affect reciprocity, a technique you might want to try is training yourself to look at relationship conflict from the perspective of a neutral third party outsider.

Here’s how to do it…

Looking at Conflict from a Third Party Perspective

It’s not easy to separate from focusing on your own needs, wants and anger, especially during the heat of the moment, but if you can train yourself to look at conflict situations more objectively, like from a third party perspective, you can reduce the negative affect reciprocity which taints your relationship and improve your overall marital satisfaction.

If you’d like to reduce the negative affect reciprocity in your relationship, take a few minutes to complete the following writing task (ideally with your partner). Amazingly, research indicates that couples who spend just a few minutes on this writing task every few months have greater levels of marital satisfaction than couples who don’t.

The Exercise:

Get out a piece of paper and write what comes to you from the following three writing prompts (although you may be tempted to just think this out in your head, you’ll get more benefit and be more likely to internalize your thoughts if you actually take the time to write them out).

1. Think about the most serious disagreement you’ve had with your partner over the previous 4 months. Now think about this same disagreement, but imagine you’re reviewing the facts of the disagreement as an impartial outsider – a person who truly wants the best outcome for all parties involved.

• What would this person think about the disagreement? How would this neutral person, who wants the best for everyone involved, find a good outcome for the situation?

2. Although many people find that taking a third party perspective during disputes with a romantic partner can ease the tension of the situation, it’s never an easy thing to do, in the heat of the moment!

• Thinking about your relationship with your partner, what obstacles prevent you from using this technique during conflicts?

3. Even though it’s obviously a difficult thing to do, if you can take this third party perspective during conflict you will likely see a benefit from it. For the next few months, try to use this technique whenever possible.

• Please write down ideas about how you might be able to successfully incorporate this technique into your relationship interactions over the coming months. Also, how do you think using this technique will help your relationship?

In research studies, couples who completed the preceding writing exercise maintained an ability to look at disputes from a third party perspective over time, and this resulted in greater overall marital satisfaction.²

Repeat the Exercise Every 4 Months to Sustain the Benefits

Amazingly, taking just a few minutes to complete the preceding exercise helps couples stay happier in marriage – and if you re-do this exercise every few months, you can maintain the benefits over time.

Image Copyright: Deep Breaths

Recent research shows that swearing and cursing actually relieve pain. Should we use it and does that make it a good thing? Maybe it is like a narcotic. Here's a way to understand this and to begin to think of other ways to relieve pain.

There are a few people who rarely swear. I think that those people may be special.

There are others who swear all the time. Might it be that some people are addicted to swearing? Could it even be that something like swearing can be an addiction?

I recall when I was in social work school there was an addictions class that was given the assignment for each student had to give up two "addictions" for two weeks. One woman chose to give up drinking and swearing. Since she wasn't truly addicted to alcohol, she found that one relatively easy. But she could not keep herself from swearing for two weeks. I began to wonder if it really is an addiction. But my friends would say, "Oh, c'mon. You must be nuts."

Swearing and Pain Relief - Can Swearing Really Ease the Hurt?

So it really struck me to read about the benefits of swearing. In an article in a positive psychology newsletter I read that swearing actually relieves pain. The researchers did an experiment. They had two sets of volunteers, both groups agreed to undergo some pressure on their finger until it became painful. One group was to stay quiet until they wanted to stop the pressure, while the other group was allowed to curse and swear. The researchers measured the amount of pressure (or pain) each group was willing to bear. The group that that cursed and swore was able to stand a lot more pain.¹ The article concluded with the suggestion that maybe next time you are in pain, it would be helpful to go to your car, close the windows and yell some choice words!²

Is cursing and swearing a wonderful feel-good tool or a negative behavior that is a by-product of anger? And how can one decide if it is really a negative behavior or just something that is used so often with anger and negativity that we think of it as a negative?

Swearing as an Enjoyable Hobby?

I had a patient once that would curse all the time. She didn't just use the language. She would really go at it and curse people. She considered herself a religious person, but would regularly ask God to cause harm to people and to curse them. She went to church and would curse the other worshipers. When I asked her why she was so angry at all those people, she said that she was not always angry. It just felt good. She liked her habit. I would think to myself, “I'm glad I'm not a member of her congregation!”

I explored her history and she related that she wasn't always like this. When she first got married she would curse only the people she really hated. But now it was almost anybody. I thought it might have to do with being married, but it wasn't. She just seemed to enjoy the "hobby." After a while we concluded that she did not want to change and I could not help her. I worked with her over 20 years ago, and I can't forget her situation.

Did this woman swear and curse because it relieved pain or because of the pleasure involved? The very question is troubling. One can promote the custom of cursing and swearing for either reason. But it is almost universally agreed that swearing is negative, not healthy, and something to be avoided. How could this be understood?

Can You Get Addicted to Swearing?

It's the addictions perspective that gives an answer. Even more so, I think that there is a clue from the very research that advocated closing yourself in a car and cursing as a positive solution.

You see, screaming, cursing and swearing can relieve pain. What else relieves pain? What is the best way to relieve pain?

If a surgeon is going to cut open your abdomen, I think you would want a really good pain reliever, like a strong narcotic.

• Narcotic medicines work. But some people use them as recreational drugs. Others get addicted after using them legitimately... It seems like cursing and swearing relieve pain in a manner similar to narcotics, and might be addictive in the same way. But is it? How can we really know?

Are there other ways of relieving pain? Sure. Think: humor and laughter.³ They also help when we are in both emotional and physical pain. Are these things also addictive?

If Swearing Might Be Addictive, Could You Get Addicted to Laughing Too?

We have two characteristics of addictions that actually define habits as addictions.

1. First, a person can become dependent on the addictive substance. He or she feels really uncomfortable without the addiction. Take away cigarettes from the smoker, and you know what happens. Try to keep alcohol away from the active alcoholic, and all hell can break loose. There are real physical and physiological reactions, besides the unpleasant interpersonal stuff. That is the prime criterion for an addiction. That's why I wondered about swearing with my student friend.
2. The other is tolerance. When people use an addictive substance they slowly (or sometimes not so slowly) need more and more of that substance to get the same effect. Very few people start with a pack a day of cigarettes. Somebody who just started to drink would die if they drank a bottle a day, but there are quite a few alcoholics that do just that. That is certainly true for narcotics too. It is America's fastest growing drug problem for just that reason. People start with a legitimate prescription and, after a while need more and more.

What about cursing? Does one need more and more to get relief?

• It seems that way when we look at our friends and acquaintances. That seems like what happened with that lady who cursed people left and right.

What about humor and laughter?

• While we really want it, and feel uncomfortable if it is lacking for a long time, I do not think one gets withdrawal symptoms. It more like, "it's been a long time since I had ice cream/saw a good movie/visited so-and-so/etc."
• Moreover, we don't need larger and larger doses of laughter to make us feel good. Actually, we can use less and less. If you know that this is a hilarious show, you'll start laughing even before the jokes!

I think that this points to a way of deciding if a substance or habit or a behavior is positive or negative. If you need more and more of it to get the desired effect, I would consider it intrinsically unhealthy. If over the course of time you can be satisfied with less and less to get what you need, it is primarily positive. Not that the unhealthy substance or habit should never be used (you really want that narcotic when have major surgery.) On the other hand, it is not always appropriate to use a positive tool (don't make jokes when your friend just lost his mother.)

So swearing can help, but so does a Percocet. If you have no better choice, then by all means, go to your car and curse, though you're better off doing something really positive... try listening to some jokes.

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If anger and fighting taints an important relationship are you willing to try something new that might help to reduce the tension and arguing? If you are, consider the CUDSAIR method. It’s a structured system for conflict resolution that minimizes personal attacks as it keeps the focus on finding a solution that’s acceptable to everyone.

Why do the people we love most sometimes make us so angry - and since anger can destroy a great relationship...is there anything we can do to limit its effects?

Ask yourself: Do you need to be right and win the argument, or are you willing to actually work towards a solution that’s going to satisfy both of you?

Love and anger sometimes seem like two flip sides of a coin, and unfortunately, when angry, we tend to be pretty good at hurting those we know the best. But though you'll never eliminate conflict and anger, if you're willing together work for a solution with civility, you can limit the damage and often find an outcome that's acceptable to all.

Are you in an anger-affected relationship?

If so, break out of the usual downward-spiral habits and try something new by using a structured system for resolving interpersonal conflict.

• Called the CUDSAIR method, the system encourages civility and helps you to avoid slipping beyond the issue at hand or falling into name-calling and cheap shots as it also helps you to find a solution that's going to work for everyone.

Why not give it a try?

The CUDSAIR Method

The CUDSAIR method provides a structure for disagreements that helps limit personal attacks and conflict escalation and which keeps the focus of attention on understanding the problem and working together to find a solution that’s acceptable to all.

CUDSAIR stands for:

1. Confront
2. Understand
3. Define
4. Search
5. Agree
6. Implement
7. Review

C - Confront the Problem

In this first step you identify the problem and decide to confront it together. By doing so both parties shift attention from confronting each other - which rarely helps - to confronting a potentially solvable problem.

"We have a problem with _______. Instead of getting angry and fighting about this like we usually do, do you want to try to solve this problem together?"

U - Understand Your Partner's Position

The louder we yell and shout the less we actually hear and understand.

The odds are good that neither person is 100% right (which means you're probably at least partly to blame for the problem) so if you want to find a way to reconciliation it's important to make a real effort to understand your partner's position and feelings.

Try not to interrupt each other as you explain your positions; at this stage you don't need to agree or comment or try to debate a position...you are just trying to understand.

D - Define the Problem

Now that you've decided to tackle the problem and now that you've come to some understanding of your partner's point of view, before you start seeking solutions, it's useful to clearly define the exact nature of the problem.

“So we both agree – the main issue of contention between us is _____________________.”

S - Search for Solutions (Brainstorm)

Grab a scrap piece of paper and sit down together to brainstorm as many possible solutions as you can. Since this is just the brainstorming phase you don’t have to worry about the practicality of any suggestion, just try to generate as many options as you can.

In this step, as in all the steps, it’s important to avoid inflammatory statements and suggestions that only serve to escalate the tension.

A - Agree on a Solution

Look back over your brainstormed solution notes and decide together on a solution that’s acceptable to both parties.

In most cases, both people will need to make some concessions, so it’s important to go into the agreement step ready to compromise for the greater good. The idea is that though no one is going to get exactly what they want, that a compromised and imperfect solution is still far better than continuing hostility and discord.

I - Implement the Solution

Take action and make any changes necessary to support and implement the solution you’ve both agreed on.

R - Review as Necessary

Sit down together occasionally, or as necessary, to review the solution’s effectiveness and to make changes as necessary.¹

You Can Learn Healthier Relationship Skills

It takes effort to break free from negative habits like arguing, passive aggression or bickering, but with determination you can learn healthier ways of conflict resolution.

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Why does alcohol lead to aggression and rage for some, but not for others? Learn more about how alcohol facilitates aggression and learn what kinds of people are most prone to alcohol related anger.

Alcohol and anger go together like two peas in a pod - alcohol releases anger and aggressive behaviors and anger and frustration lead to drinking (and for those trying to control their drinking - to relapse.)

While not everyone becomes aggressive after drinking alcohol, alcohol intoxication is associated with about half of all violent crimes in America and for people already prone to anger and violence, adding alcohol to the mix is like adding gasoline to a fire.¹

Does alcohol bring out the worst in you? Want to know why? Read on to learn why drinking is so associated with anger, aggression and violence.

4 Ways Alcohol Facilitates Anger, Aggression and Violence

1. Alcohol Changes the Way You Process Intentionality

Alcohol can give you tunnel vision...

Alcohol reduces your ability to process multiple sources of environmental information; therefore it compromises your ability to evaluate the intentions behind the actions of people around you.

For example, you're leaving a football game after having had a few beers. Your team lost and as you walk out the exit ramp you're bumped/pushed by a man wearing the colors of the visiting team.

If sober, you might take a second to evaluate the situation and realize that the contact was likely accidental and quite normal given the crowded walkway - but when drunk your perspective changes and you lose this faculty of reasoning. When drunk, you are far more likely to view actions against you as intentional (that guy just shoved me on purpose!) and far more likely to respond with aggression...²

2. Drinking Erases Worries about the Possible Consequences of Aggression

You hear of bar fights but cafe fights aren't so common!

We use alcohol as a tool to ease social anxiety and to overcome social fears (having a drink or two before that wedding speech, for example), but once that drink or two turns into 3 or several, we also silence our normal fear of negative consequences.

When sober and angered you might feel an impulse to punch someone, but a fear/worry of the possible consequences (get hurt, hurt someone else, get arrested etc.) keeps you from doing so.

When drunk and angered you feel no such worry and are free to act according to your baser impulses.³

• In research experiments, induced anxiety (being told you had to deliver a speech on camera about what you disliked about your body!) countered the normal aggression amplifying effects of alcohol consumption. Getting normal anxiety processes operational after drinking helps people to restrain their aggressive impulses.⁴

3. Social and Cultural Factors Allow for More Aggression after Drinking

Research shows that people are more likely to act aggressively:

1. After drinking alcohol
2. After drinking a non-alcoholic placebo drink which they believe contains alcohol

So why do people get more aggressive when they only think they've been drinking?

The answer may lie in social expectations that allow for more aggressive behaviors by drunk people.

You may perceive that when drunk your aggressive actions are more easily explained/forgiven and you may drink so that you can engage in aggressive acts without experiencing the same consequences (I'm no sorry honey...you know I ever would have hit you if I hadn't been drunk!)⁵

4. Alcohol Disrupts Executive Brain Functions

Alcohol basically lulls your executive command center (the forebrain) to sleep.

With impaired executive brain function you are less able to resist a wide array behavioral impulses.

This makes you more likely to binge on junk food, call ex-lovers on the phone late at night, drive while drunk and also to act verbally or physically aggressive to people who irritate or anger you.

What Kinds of People Are at Risk of Alcohol-Related Aggression?

While alcohol is clearly linked to increased aggression and violence, many people can drink and drink a lot without ever experiencing heightened anger or aggression.

Researchers don't yet have a complete understanding of the processes that lead some to aggression, but they have identified certain types of people who are more prone to alcohol-related aggression.

People who may need to minimize their drinking to avoid the negative consequences of alcohol-related aggression include:

• People with Trait Anger
• People with Low Executive Function

Trait Anger and Alcohol Aggression

 A number of research studies have confirmed something that makes a lot of intuitive sense – people who often get very angry and act aggressively while sober are very likely to get even more aggressive and angry when drunk.

If you are very easily angered when sober and if you have a hard time controlling your response to that anger then you are at risk to become even more aggressive after drinking alcohol.⁶

Low Executive Function

Executive function is a term used to describe the processes in the brain that control functions like working memory, reasoning, attention, planning and inhibition of impulses.

• People with lower executive function, therefore, have reduced a reduced ability to inhibit aggressive impulses.
• Acute alcohol intoxication further reduces executive function and this exacerbates the inability to resist behavioral impulses.

Basically - if you’re a person with poor impulse control, alcohol is only going to make things worse.⁷

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Find out if you’ve got an anger problem that needs attention – and if you do – learn what a therapist might teach you to help you manage that fury.

Getting moderately angry a few times a week is normal.

But if your anger occurs with frequency or if you get seriously angry on a regular basis then you might have a problem that warrants some professional help.

Do You Have Trait Anger?

People with a personality characteristic called 'trait anger' move easily into the 'red zone' and once angry are more likely to react with aggression and violence.

If you have trait anger, you:

• You get angry easily
• You get angry often
• You stay angry for longer periods of time
• Your behaviors once angry are more extreme (compared to people without trait anger)
• You are more likely to become violent or resort to yelling and screaming once angry
• You are more likely to use drugs or alcohol as a way to manage your anger and you are more likely to have personal or professional problems stemming from your anger issues

If you have trait anger, then you might benefit from working with a therapist or psychologist to learn better ways to manage your emotions and outbursts.

How to Know If You Need Professional Help for Your Anger Issues

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), you should consider seeking professional help if your anger interferes with your normal routines or your sense of self, or if you experience significant personal or professional problems stemming from your anger issues.¹

Or to put it more simply - if your anger causes you or those close to you problems - then you have an anger management problem and would benefit from some assistance.

Dealing with Anger - What a Therapist Can Teach You

If you are considering anger management therapy you're probably wondering how a therapist can help you and what you can expect to learn in exchange for your time and money.

Anger management therapists generally use 1 or more of 3 basic strategies and all of the strategies can be learned in a few weeks or months so you won't have to go to therapy forever before you'll start seeing significant improvements.

1. Progressive Relaxation Techniques

Once you learn progressive relaxation you can calm yourself from anger in seconds by thinking of a soothing word or image.

To get to this stage, you'll need to practice relaxation techniques with a therapist. Typically you'll be asked to visualize an anger provoking scenario and then guided through a relaxation process.

For most people, about 8 practice sessions gets you to a point where you can use of this technique to soothe real world anger.

2. Cognitive Therapy

Through cognitive therapy you can learn to change the way you think to change the way you feel and react to anger provoking situations.

• If you are easily angered at the office by subordinates who do poor work, instead of obsessing about their laziness and incompetence you can retrain yourself to be more sympathetic and to remember how tedious their work can be and to be thankful that at least you don't have to do it anymore!

3. Skills Training

Sometimes a lack of skill creates anger provoking situations, and in such cases, one of the easiest ways to better things is simply to improve your skills..(you don't need to manage anger that doesn't exist!)

• If communicating with your teenage daughter gets you steaming, then maybe learning teen parenting skills would diffuse the tension before it got to the spill-over point.²

Should You Take the Plunge and Get Anger Management Therapy?

Do you have an anger problem?

If so, it comes down to a rather simple choice - are you willing to let your anger define you as a person and taint your relationships or are you willing to take an active role in bettering yourself?

It's a really positive thing - invest in a few weeks or a couple of months of focused anger management therapy and learn how to mange your destructive emotions so that they no longer steal from your potential happiness in life.

It takes a little money and a little time and a bit of effort and a fair amount of courage and determination, but change is possible, you can improve yourself, and if a few weeks of effort pay off with a lifetime of reward, then its hard to imagine how that could be time poorly spent.

Image Copyright: Ruben Chase