Question: If my ex was physically abusive in the past but he also had PTSD from being in the military and because he used to drink a lot to deal with it is it very likely that he would still be violent with me if he is getting help for his PTSD but he is still drinking? He says he is taking some medications and he is not feeling so terrible anymore but I do know that he is still drinking quite a lot every night. He is a great guy but he nearly put me in the hospital before I left him but since he got the PTSD from some really scary and terrible experiences  don't think that his violence is really his fault. What I want to now is if his PTSD is under control am I safe to give it another try with him?

Penny Bell Says...:

Although research shows that male veterans
with PTSD are 2 to 3 times more likely to engage in intimate partner violence than
veterans without PTSD, PTSD and domestic violence are separate issues when it
comes to treatment.  Treatment for PTSD
does not address domestic violence issues, so unless your ex is actively
involved in undergoing a domestic violence program, the fact that he is taking
meds for his PTSD and that he is “feeling better” are no indication that he is
able to behave differently toward you.

A question you may wish to ask
yourself is why you are considering returning to a relationship with a man who
was so violent toward you?  It is a
complex issue but on average women return 7 times to a violent relationship
before they leave permanently (or are killed), and the reasons range from
experiencing or being present during domestic violence as a child to a simple
case of low self-esteem – not valuing herself enough to keep herself safe.  The woman remembers the good times (“he is a
great guy”) and somehow dismisses the bad (“but he nearly put me in hospital”),
then is shocked to realise she is back in the same old routine, repeating the
cycle of violence.

This is how the cycle of violence works: There is a period of build-up when tension increases, leading
to the stand over phase (where you
find yourself “walking on eggshells”) and then, the explosion, where the violence takes place.  The remorse
phase follows, then the pursuit phase,
a feature of which is promises to never be violent again, and the victim feels
relief that the violence has ended.  Then
comes the honeymoon phase with both
people in the relationship in denial as to how bad the abuse and violence was,
and the possibility that violence could occur again is ignored, because they
don’t want the relationship to end. 
Unfortunately this does not last, and the build-up phase begins again.  This cycle escalates and becomes more
frequent over time.

You don’t mention children – if there
are children involved, they are learning that disagreements are managed by
someone acting stronger and louder and exerting authority and control over
another to get their own way.  

Finally, about your statement that “I don’t think that the violence is
really his fault” – if you blame your ex’s violence on his PTSD, you are saying
that he can’t control himself and that he isn’t responsible or accountable for
his behaviour.   This excuse would never
stand in a court of law and you shouldn’t be buying it either.  To answer your question “is it safe to give
it another try with him” – it will only ever be safe when he is a safe person,
and you need to see the evidence for that with your own eyes.  He will need to have completed a domestic
violence program, addressed his alcohol problem and be showing the results.  Unfortunately, the only testing ground will
be in his relationship with you, as most perpetrators of domestic violence are
not violent outside of the home or toward people other than their
partners.  If you value yourself and your
life you will stay away.

Question: I have PTSD and bad chronic nightmares/insomnia fear of sleeping. I have heard that lucid dreaming can be helpful in overcoming chromic nightmares but I cannot get the hang of it. Is this a technique that someone can teach me? Do you know how I can learn to do this so I can change the course of my dreams when they get nasty?

Penny Bell Says...:

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you.  Sleeping well is important for all aspects of our lives - physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. Recently there have been some studies where participants who were
experiencing nightmares due to post traumatic stress disorder had improvement in the frequency of
nightmares after Lucid Dreaming Therapy (LDT), which
is training in becoming lucid (realising that one is
dreaming while still in the experience of the dream) which allows the dreamer to
alter the storyline of the dream and avoid the negative emotions associated
with once again re-experiencing a traumatic event.  The therapy consists of exercises in
which the participants rehearse the nightmare imagery
during the day, changing the outcome of the nightmare to a positive one.  The training in the research projects took
place in the context of cognitive behaviour therapy sessions which adhered to a
series of steps in the form of a training program, which involved education about nightmares, explanation of the exposure therapy, writing down the nightmares, progressive muscle relaxation, rehearsing nightmare imagery in its original form for 15 minutes per day, and rehearsing nightmare imagery in its changed form for 15 minutes per day.  Participants kept a diary throughout.  Perhaps
you can find a therapist who is familiar with the technique who will work with
you, and if not, I believe there are several books, some self-help, that you
could try.  I hope you can find relief from your nightmares and that the above information is helpful to you.