Question: My 8 year old son was attacked last week by my neighbor’s German Shepard dog. I don’t know what provoked the attack because my son said it just came at him and started biting. He was in the backyard with my neighbor who is a friend and he knows the dog well and the dog knows him. If the owner hadn’t been only a few steps away I am sure the dog could have killed him. As it was, he suffered serious bites to the side of his face and to his hands and had to spend 2 days in the hospital while they cleaned and dressed his wounds. He is home now but he will very likely have scarring on the side of his face for life. He was lucky I guess that the front of his face was not very affected so he will still be a handsome person I think. The dog has been put down and my neighbor is very distraught. I believe it was an accident and so I am not looking to pursue anything against her. My son has been having nightmares and seems very upset and scared still about what has happened. He will not go to sleep in his own bed and he is just not his usual happy go lucky self. His best friend has a golden retriever who is the sweetest dog you’d ever meet but my son does not want to go over to his friend’s house to play anymore. I am worried that this might have lasting psychological implications. Does he need to get some therapy as a preemptive against problems or should I just keep my eye on him to see if he continues to have problems. What should I be looking for as warning signs that he is struggling emotional and mentally from the attack?

Nan Karl Says...:

I am so sorry to hear that your son went through this trauma. How terrible for all of you, including your neighbor. 

You are already seeing the warning signs that your son is struggling emotionally. He won't sleep in his own bed, his mood has changed, and he won't go near his friend's because the golden retriever is a trigger for him for his trauma.

Yes, your instincts are right. Please get your son to a therapist dealing with child trauma as fast as you can. Intervention now can save him a lot of emotional upset in the future. He needs to be able to talk about this incident in a safe setting so he can process it.

Good luck to you all during this difficult time.

Question: I was swarmed and mugged and beaten while walking through a park I was stupid to have been walking through very late at night. I was quite drunk at the time and honestly there is a lot about the incident that I don’t even remember. I remember these guys sort of coming up behind me and I kind of remember being circled and having someone hit me and then my swinging at someone but after that it’s all pretty hazy and I am not even sure how I got home. I woke up in the bathroom the next morning and I didn’t know why I was there. It took me a minute to figure out why my face was covered in blood after I saw myself in the mirror. I thought I was dealing with it ok. It wasn’t too traumatic really since I could barely even remember what had happened, but the next day (Monday) I was at work and I just started shaking uncontrollably. I couldn’t figure out why and I went to the hospital and they gave me some valium and said it was a delayed physiological response to the trauma. The whole week too I have just been so irritated with the people around me. I just feel like I don’t want to be with anyone, which is unusual for me because I am usually a very social person who goes out most nights of the week. At the hospital the doctor who treated me said that if I continued to feel disturbed I should consider getting some trauma counseling, and I have to admit that even now, a week later, I still don’t feel quite right. But what I want to know is if trauma counseling will be effective if I can’t even remember the incident that is supposedly so traumatic to me?

Nan Karl Says...:

II am sorry that you had such a violent and traumatic episode. 

Regardless of your inability to remember some details of the assault, I would recommend that you try some trauma therapy. Although you might not consciously remember every detail, the brain has a remarkable way of recording incidents utilizing all five senses. There are probably stored memories of the incident that may be revealed to you in counseling that you can then work through. Neurological research indicates, for example, that the sense of smell is closely related to emotional issues, so even the smell of something that reminds you of that night could trigger feelings of powerlessness and anxiety.

Regardless of the circumstances that contributed to the events of that night, if you don't process them in therapy, they can come back at any time that something in your surroundings reminds you of the assault. Sometimes we store things in our subconscious mind that get triggered by present day reminders of the incident. Many people develop a lot of symptoms of anxiety after an event like this unless it is worked through in therapy. If you have the resources (insurance, an EAP at work, etc.) why not deal with it now? 

Best wishes to you for a quick recovery!

Question: I feel really awful to be writing this, but it’s been on my mind a lot lately and I think I need to reach out to try to get some answers and I am just not really sure where to go or to ask to get them. I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years. I am 23 and she is 21. I really love her. She’s smart and funny and she is someone I can imagine spending the rest of my life with. Unfortunately, she was raped when she was 17. That is how she lost her virginity. I was getting really frustrated in the early days by how slowly our relationship was developing sexually and eventually she told me of her traumatic experience and that she had never been with another person other than the man who raped her. She eventually decided about a year ago that she was ready to try having sex and we did, but it was hard for her and we have only done it a handful of times since then. I feel really low to be thinking this, but I am not sure that I can stay in this relationship if this is the only kind of physical relationship we are ever going to be able to have. I thought I could overlook this but it is really becoming a problem for me to have sex only once every couple of months or less. I want to be supportive for her but I need to know that this is going to get better if I am going to continue to get more serious with her. Do rape victims usually become able to have normal sex lives after enough time passes?

Nan Karl Says...:

Great question to ask. Please don't beat yourself up for asking it. You have every right to a wonderful and fulfilling relationship, and that includes healthy sexuality (for both of you). My first question for you regards whether or not your girlfriend has had therapy for her sexual assault. I hope she has, as rape is a devastating trauma.

If you and she have only had sex a handful of times in the last year, one of two things is operating for her. Either she has a much lower sex drive than you do or she is still anxious and upset about the previous assault. My guess is the latter. 

Talk with her. Let her know that you really love her and that you can easily imagine spending the rest of your life with her. At the same time, let her know that it is important to you to share your love for her through physical intimacy. Suggest that the two of you see a counselor to work on this to see how to best resolve it.

Yes, rape survivors are able to have wonderful intimacy in their lives. But not until they have resolved their trauma first. Sexual assault therapy is available (usually for free) in almost every area. You can go to www.rainn.org to find a therapist in your area and to get information on rape. 

Many rape survivors suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, reliving the rape through flashbacks and intrusive thoughts, nightmares, etc. Often times even consensual sexual relations may trigger this. It is essential to get help with this and work through the emotional and physical trauma.

In the meantime, educate yourself about being a partner of a sexual assault survivor. There are several books written for men living with survivors of sexual abuse, including Ken Graber's, "Ghosts in the Bedroom: A Guide for Partners of Incest Survivors" (much of which would be relevant to a rape victim) and Laura Davis' book, "Allies in Healing". A wonderful book for your girlfriend to read is Sharice Lee's, "The Survivor's Guide". There are many excellent recovery books written for survivors and pro-survivors (the term given to people like you, who want to help survivors of sexual assault).

Above all else, open up communication with your girlfriend so that she knows that you are concerned about her. Helping her overcome this terrible trauma while letting her know that you are completely supportive of her is perhaps one of the most loving gifts you can give her. And be patient and non-judgmental. Therapy takes time. 

Good luck to you both!