Question: My 12 year old son exposed himself to his cousin at a family bbq when they were off in the woods together. She told her mom and my sister told me. There have been a couple of other similar incidents over the years. My son says he was just fooling around and that it is no big deal. I am worried that he is getting too old to be doing stupid stuff like this and that maybe this is a symptom of something else. How worried should I be about what he is doing? Should he talk to someone about this stuff and about sex?

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

I am sorry to hear about what is going on with your son. He needs to
be told that it most definitely is a big deal and he cannot do that. I
say this because there have been other incidents. So let me ask you
---- what were the other incidents and to whom did he expose himself? 
You need to tell him that he is lucky that no one called the police. And
again,to say to him, no, I am sorry it is a big deal. If someone called
the police you might be sent to a Juvenile Detention Center.

Apropos of what you asked --- "Should he talk to someone about this
stuff and about sex?" Yes, I think it would be a good idea to talk to a
child therapist AND, also have his dad talk to him about sex --- for his
dad to sit down with him and let your son feel free to ask him
questions and for his dad to let your son feel comfortable about asking him questions but for his dad to tell him that he cannot expose himself to anyone --- that it will get him into trouble.

You and his dad may want to google "Books explaining Sex to a 12 year old boy" to see about which books to order that he might want to read.

I hope the books will help. Should you have any other questions do not hesitate to ask me.

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Question: Hello My name is Alisha and I am having a problem with my 10 year-old son. He is acting out at school, lying, and hiding things from me and his teacher, and a lot more... I don't know what to do anymore. I need help...

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

I am sorry to hear about the problems you are having with your son. It would help to have a full history to understand better whether this is something that has occurred recently or whether his developmental history points in the direction of something going on with him for some time now.

Since we cannot chat back and forth I would strongly suggest that you bring your son to a child psychologist or child psychiatrist to do a complete evaluation. Only with a proper diagnosis can we then know what is going on with him.  So e.g., we would want to know whether he has any learning disabilities, whether he has attention deficit problems or is this simply a psychological problem because what is going on in school or what is going on at home. So as soon as you get him evaluated it will become clear what is going on and then a treatment plan will be put in place.

If you need help finding a referral give me your city, state and zip code and I will find someone who will be able to diagnose what is going on.

I hope you understand that no one can diagnose him without a proper in-person evaluation.

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Question: My 16 year son seems really different to me lately. I thought it was just normal teen stuff but I caught him a couple of times over the last couple of months and it seems like he is arguing with someone but there is no one else there. He also seems sort of paranoid or something all of the time, like he asked me if he could put a lock on his door and he has talked about someone following him on his walk to school. He was a really good basketball player but he quit the team this year saying he didn’t want to do it anymore and when I saw the coach a couple of weeks ago in the grocery store it seemed like the coach was trying to tell me something about my son’s behavior but didn’t quite know how to say it so didn’t say much in the end. I tried talking to him about this but he says everything is fine. He is spending a lot of time by himself now and a lot less with friends - actually he doesn’t seem to ever hang out with friends anymore. At first I thought it was drugs but I talked to him about this and I really don’t think he is on anything. I am getting kind of scared but my husband says he is just going through a normal phase. Should I be worried about what I am seeing? I feel like he needs to see a doctor or something but we have no insurance right now so I am not sure if I should wait and see or divert some household money for this now.

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

I am so very sorry to hear about what is going on with your son. I want to first before I say anything more is tell you that it is wonderful to see what a tuned-in and caring mom you are. You are so right on for being concerned about your son. This does not sound like a normal phase as your husband seems to think. Let me parse what you have said point by point so that you will understand why I believe that what is happening is not a normal phase of adolescent development. If he was just not talking to you a lot, staying in his room to avoid you but still hanging out with friends and normally socializing with friends, I would say --- not to worry --- and as your husband said --- this is a normal phase. But that is not what you are describing.

Let's go over all the issues you have mentioned.

1. He is arguing with someone but there is no one else there.
2. He also seems sort of paranoid or something all of the time:


1. like he
   asked me if he could put a lock on his door  --- that's normal adolescent behaviour.
2. he has talked about
   someone following him on his walk to school --- not normal.


3. He was a really good basketball player but he quit the team this year saying he didn’t want to do it anymore. One would want to know why. This doesn't necessarily mean it's not normal. However  when you saw the coach a couple of weeks ago in the grocery store it
   seemed like the coach was trying to tell you something about your son’s
   behavior but didn’t quite know how to say it so didn’t say much in the
   end. That would then make my antenna go up. What you should do is put in a call to this coach and ask him what he was trying to tell you. This would probably be valuable information in trying to diagnose what is going on.
4. You tried talking to him about this but he says everything is fine. That doesn't mean that everything is fine. You yourself have listed several things as highlighted above, in addition to:


1. He is spending a lot of time by himself now and a lot less with friends -
   actually he doesn’t seem to ever hang  out with friends anymore.
2. At
   first I thought it was drugs but I talked to him about this and I really
   don’t think he is on anything.

You indicated that you are getting kind of scared but your
husband says he is just going through a normal phase. Your husband, as I already indicated is not correct. Given the symptoms you mentioned you should be worried about what you are seeing. You are definitely right on that he needs to see a psychiatrist so that he can be properly evaluated and diagnosed. He is showing symptoms of paranoia and he is delusional. Those are not symptoms to be taken lightly. Both are psychotic symptoms. These symptoms also emerge during late adolescence, young adulthood.  You may want to go to this link to read about the possible diagnosis: http://counsellingresource.com/lib/distress/schizophrenic/schizophrenia-dsm/schizophrenia-symptoms/

I haven't evaluated him and certainly can't make a definitive diagnosis without an in-person evaluation of your son, but my antennae go up hearing about the symptoms he has.

I hear what you are saying that you have no insurance right now. However, you should not wait. You need to take him to see a psychiatrist ASAP. Yes, you should divert some household money for this now. You can go to your local hospital emergency room. Call them and ask them if they offer adolescent psychiatric services and ask them what the costs would be. If they don't provide adolescent psychiatric services ask them for a referral to a low cost adolescent psychiatric service in your area.

I wish you the very best and please contact me again should you have further questions.

Sincerely,

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Question: My son is into marijuana and he does not do well at school. He has an attitude problem at home and I do not know how to make him understand that he is putting his future at risk. He is a very bright boy who seems determined to throw his future away. I am threatening to send him to military school. He doesn’t think I will do it but I might. Do military academies work well for kids who aren’t doing well in regular school and are doing drugs and getting into trouble. It is very hard to get a straight answer from anyone about if they actually work or not? He would hate it there and I would miss him but I am worried that unless I can get him back on the right path now while he is only 13 then I will miss my chance forever.

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

You mentioned that your son would hate it if he were sent to a Military Academy. His behaviour is indicative of the fact that he is having psychological problems. Just punishing someone does not improve the behaviour. If you let me know where you live --- city, state and zip code, I will help you find someone for him. Let him have a full in person evaluation to see what the next step should be. It might be that therapy may help him so that he can function better.

Dr. Shirley Schaye