Question: My son is a regular user of marijuana. He is a junior in high school and duel enrolled into our community college and doing very well. He has a part time job, is active in our churches youth group, and in boy scouts. He doesn't see anything wrong with smoking marijuana and has even said he does well to prove all "stereotypes wrong". He will not see a expert. I don't know what to do. DO you have any advice?

Rob Danzman Says...:

Dear Anonymous,

In the mental health/substance abuse world, we typically use a response approach rather than preventative approach (similar to the medical model). One of the 'tests' we use is asking the question 'Does this thought/feeling/behavior get in the way of a major life domain such as social, academic, career or intrapersonal'? 

In this situation, your son sounds like a good kid that has clearly been brought up with a strong work ethic and healthy boundaries. That doesn't mean he is immune from screwing up and making bad choices. But you came very close to articulating the real problem - If (...and then how) to intervene if he's doing well across the board but engaging in an activity which is illegal (but increasingly accepted and legal in many states)? 

First off - I definitely do not condone the use of illegal drugs, or any other illegal behavior. With that said, let's remove the idea/label of pot for a second and replace it with 'undesirable activity.' Why do this? To give us a bit of perspective since pot has loaded legal/ethical/etc. considerations that may distract us from the bigger questions. Let's be real, he's going to use pot whether you allow it or not. Instead of focusing on the pot use (not to say it's a good habit) I would recommend focusing on your relationship with him and the relationship he has with the family. I would also seek to understand why he is using. Again, just to be super real about this, people smoke pot for only a few reasons, most of which has to do with feeling chilled-out. If your son is a super achiever, he may be using as a form of anti-anxiety. It may be his way of counterbalancing his performance-obsessed lifestyle. 

Take home message

1. Ignore the pot 

2. Focus on relationship 

3. Support him in avoiding/coping with achievement pressures 

So when is it effective to draw a line? When it's a safety issue. Period. When it puts him at immediate risk like when he drives to a party, etc. I'd make it clear that you will not get into a power struggle with him but that he's not allowed to drive impaired, if he's going to be impaired or get into a vehicle with anyone else who is high. This is where consequences need to be swift, consistent and intense (ie. Loss of car privileges for 2 months). When safety is an issue it's time to not worry about how he feels. 

Bottom line here is that you've raised a responsible young man who will continue to do well. Pot will make him feel good in the short term but likely become a speed bump as he gets older. Find that sweet spot between setting clear limits while also supporting him. I doubt he needs therapy. I doubt there are deep seeded issues. But it wouldn't be a bad idea to consult a professional if nothing else just to act as parent consultant and a fresh perspective. If you find the right therapist/counselor who can play it cool, he'll see them and likely reduce his use. We see it at our agency all the time. 

Hope this helps. 

Rob Danzman, MS, NCC, LPC

www.fonthillcounseling.com 

Question: My children are 10 and 12 and neither has ever gotten into any trouble. I am a geologist and I am considering a career relocation that would put us into an area which has a major drug situation with meth and with oxycontin and other prescription drugs. This is a rural area so there is only one high school to attend and there is no way to minimize their exposure to this. I know that there have been numerous cases of high school students overdosing and getting in trouble with the law. This is what I have been able to find out just by searching the local newspaper so I bet it is worse on the ground. I am dragging my feet on accepting this offer because I am worried that we would be putting our kids in harms way. I remember being a teenage and going along with the crowd. If everybody else is doing drugs won’t my kids get sucked into that too?

Rob Danzman Says...:

Interesting dilemma. On the one hand, you have a career opportunity that provides either more income, job satisfaction, or a bit of both - basically, a move that would make you happy or more fulfilled. But, the environment for your children is substantially compromised and could expose them to behaviors incongruent with your values. Rather than a simple response, this requires a bit a breaking-down of all the variables.

First, I’d want to know more about why this career move is important. Money, fresh-start, job satisfaction, etc.? All of them are reasonable reasons to take the job. If your family is deep in a financial hole and this is the best way out, environmental conditions could seem a bit less important. If, on the other hand, this is one of many options and mostly about career satisfaction, it’s harder to make the argument it’s a necessary move. Definitely a topic for more conversation with a good counselor/therapist. Understanding your own motives may help put each of the variables in a priority order and may make decision making easier.

Secondly - Let’s talk kids. Kids are resilient. Kids from educated, caring and loving parents are even more resilient. You clearly are thoughtful and likely have actively supported them their whole life - this accomplishes many things related to developing a healthy, appropriate kid. There are plenty of children raised in sketchy parts of our country that do great things. There are also plenty of examples of kids raised in upper-middle class areas that get into heaps of trouble (those are typically our clients). Parenting matters. Parents that have a good balance between focusing on their career and focusing on family model equilibrium that promotes good decision making and respect for boundaries. This new place could be an opportunity to talk with your kids about what sort of teen and young adult they would like to be. Discussion about moving could also be an opportunity for them to hear about the information you have and talk about their concerns, fears and excitements.

Lastly, if things get bad, if your kids start getting messed up with the wrong group, you can always leave or get them enrolled in online classes (not ideal but better than idiots at school). It will not be easy when they are teens but it’s also not easy to make this decision right now. Just that fact that you are slowing things down and reaching out and researching this move tells me you all will be just fine. And even when things don’t go as planned, you will rally together and overcome whatever obstacles present themselves. This opportunity will likely make your family stronger.

Best of luck!

Question: My 15 year old son has way too much money and I can’t figure out where he is getting it from. He always has a story about how his ‘friends bought him this or that or how his friend gave him an old ipad mini or how he bought a scratch off and won $100. He won’t admit that he is doing something wrong and I am worried he is doing something illegal to get this money. I feel powerless because I worry he is going to get in a lot of trouble but I don’t know how to stop him what should I do?

Rob Danzman Says...:

Dear Powerless Parent,

Though I do not know your son, I know teenagers in general and showing up with cash in that amount that frequently sounds suspicious. But as a therapist, I am less interested in discovering the truth or facts and more interested in developing rapport with him and providing a judgmental place for him to share what's going on. This takes time. 

Prognosis: Depends on where you all live and past behaviors. I can tell you for sure this definitely is the right time to bring in a professional, even if only for a consultation. If left to his own brain and his friends' influence, he will likely get into academic trouble and possibly legal trouble. This is the time to intervene to help him avoid that mess. 

Parent's Role: As a parent, your role is different in that the facts do and should matter. If he is selling drugs or stealing stuff and selling it on craigslist, you and he are liable. This is where some creative boundary setting would come in. Not your basic discussions about giving him 'tv time' if he gets an 'A' on a report card, but a deep understanding of what motivates him (both rewards and consequences). If he's around shady characters (like I guess he is) getting into trouble might be a badge of honor for him. 

Professional's Role: It's hard to give specifics from afar but this type of family/individual therapy really should start with the parents to help them regain control. If after learning higher-level parenting skills your entrepreneurial son continues to engage in less than reputable behavior, we would start talking about increased levels of care (ie. therapeutic wilderness program, residential treatment, therapeutic boarding school, day treatment). There could also be a very early substance use issue here. There could be bullying going on. Until someone sits down with the individuals and family as a whole, the recommendations really are to find some good professional support. 

How We Would Do It: We work with families like yours all the time and help the parents navigate through the therapeutic process. Sometimes, basic boundary setting and outpatient therapy are all that's needed. Other times, we uncover a super hidden world of substance use and move quickly with treatment. Until then, I recommend you focus on setting some basic boundaries (ie. curfews, grades, homework time) and, instead of asking him where he got his magical wealth (he probably hates lying to you as much as you hate it) simply let him know that you understand he is hiding part of his life from you but if he ever needs to talk with you, you will do the best you can to listen, not judge and help if asked. Making a statement like that and walking away is way more congruent with the adolescent brain and how they process parental dialogue. 

I hope this helps point you in the right direction and normalizes your experience. Lots of parents struggle with their kids doing stupid stuff but with the correct support, his choices do not have to have a permanent affect on his life. 

Question: What do I do with a girl who is 17 and in her last year of high school who is taking diet pills and who won’t stop. I can make her promise to stop but I cannot make her actually do it. I am starting to feel like the police man in the house. Whenever she pours a big glass of water I am wondering if she is drinking to avoid eating and I bite my tongue to ask her but I often can’t resist and that does not help when I am badgering her about what she is doing especially when I cannot prove one way or the other what is going on in her head. I am so frustrated with her. She has taken diet pills in the past and I caught her and we had a big talk and she promised she would not do it again. She knows the risks. Then she lost a ton of weight this last month and I got suspicious again and I started asking her if she was taking anything. Of course she denied everything but then my youngest daughter found the pills in her bag and she still denies that she is taking them she says she is just selling them at school (she says they are not ilegal). What am I supposed to do? I can’t make her do anything and being thin seems more important to her than her future health.

Rob Danzman Says...:

Dear Anonymous,

Unfortunately, your situation is not unique and is a very difficult one to deal with. Our agency spends a significant amount of time supporting families like yours since easting disorders are almost never just an individual issue. Hopefully, my responses to each of your questions below will help you all get through this difficult time.

A: What do I do with a girl who is 17 and in her last year of high school who is taking diet pills and who won’t stop. I can make her promise to stop but I cannot make her actually do it. 

RD: You are totally correct, you can not make her do anything. Having her promise to stop only deepens feelings of failure, lack of control and sadness often associated with eating disorders. That does not mean there is nothing you can do, though. First of all, if it's a REAL safety issue (she is not eating anything, her period has stopped or you can see she is physically weak and tired) medical intervention is more important than a psychological intervention. It's time to have her admitted to the hospital immediately. 

If it's not a safety issue, I would not focus on changing her behavior (not right away at least) but get a better understanding of why she is using this coping skill. I'd like to know what pressures she is experiencing, why restrictive eating seems like the best way to get her needs/wants met. It sounds like she does not feel comfortable coming to you or any other family member and asking for help. I'd like to understand why. 

Now, let's talk leverage and responsibility. I'd like to know if she (and you) are planning on her leaving for college next Fall. Are you visiting colleges now? I'd also be interested to understand what sort of privileges she has right now (ie. iPhone, car, etc). Basically, going away to college is a privilege and is only an option for mental and physically healthy kids (this is what I would tell her). Next, if she is not taking care of herself, she needs to start working with a therapist. Having a phone, car, etc. are privileges she can use when she takes care of herself. Be specific with what you need to see (behavior - not attitude or motivation) and tie it to privileges. This can be tricky since you do not want to increase her stress but, you want to set specific and firm expectations. 

A: I am starting to feel like the police man in the house. Whenever she pours a big glass of water I am wondering if she is drinking to avoid eating and I bite my tongue to ask her but I often can’t resist and that does not help when I am badgering her about what she is doing especially when I cannot prove one way or the other what is going on in her head. I am so frustrated with her. 

RD: Don't bother spending time trying to prove anything or getting into power struggles. If she is in your house, your rules and expectations apply. It's not a bad thing to tell her how how behavior makes you feel ("When you don't eat, I feel scared and angry that you are unhealthy."). This may not change her mind or behavior, but you will at least accurately communicate your thoughts and feelings. 

A: She has taken diet pills in the past and I caught her and we had a big talk and she promised she would not do it again. She knows the risks. Then she lost a ton of weight this last month and I got suspicious again and I started asking her if she was taking anything. Of course she denied everything but then my youngest daughter found the pills in her bag and she still denies that she is taking them she says she is just selling them at school (she says they are not illegal). 

RD: Whether she is taking diet pills, restricting her eating, or purging after meals, she's not taking care of herself. It's not a bad idea to set a line with her and let her know what you will do when she crosses it ("If I see that you are physically too weak, unhealthy or look too thin, I will admit you to the hospital to get help. I would rather you be alive and angry at me rather than dead."). Even if she claims to 'know the risks' teenagers are neurologically designed to think the risks do not apply to them. Also - I'd set an expectation that your younger daughter NOT get in the middle of this. Tell her how she can support and care about her older sister without feeling the need to rat her out to you. Puts her in a bad spot. 

A: What am I supposed to do? I can’t make her do anything and being thin seems more important to her than her future health.

RD: The ultimate goal may not be to be thin, it more than likely to be attractive, be in control, or punish herself for not being good enough at something. It's vital that you find a therapist in your area that specializes in eating disorders. If individual therapy does not seem like it will be enough, agencies like ours (Fonthill Counseling) help families find residential treatment programs. We've worked with great programs around the country that provide great service to the client and fantastic support to the family. This issue is likely much bigger than any parent can handle on their own since your daughter does not likely have the internal desire to change at this point. 

Question: My 15 year old son was looking at a lot of legal high websites. I had put some parental monitoring software on that he didn’t know about. He spent about 90 minutes bouncing around and reading about party powders and a lot of herbal speeds and pills and stuff that honestly scares the bejesus out of me. I confronted him right away and he said he was just worried about a friend who was using some of this stuff and he was looking to it. Yeah right….thinks I. So now what? I have to believe he is probably using this stuff and honestly I’d rather he used regular old pot than this new breed of synthetic lab cooked up stuff coming out of China or wherever. Can I drug test him for this new legal high stuff? Should he see a drug counselor?

Rob Danzman Says...:

Dear Anonymous Parent

Tough situation you're in. Sounds like he's definitely into something. Our instinct as parents is to call them out and confront them with evidence. This provides them an opportunity to lie, avoid, deceive, and use any excuse they can think of despite the improbability. It will also drive you nuts. Our clinicians recommend parents not get caught up in the facts. Kids will double-down no matter how substantial your evidence. Instead, we encourage parents to get outside support in the form of a good substance abuse/psychoeducation assessment while also learning how to set boundaries, expectations, rewards and consequences with the ultimate goal of decreasing the quantity (...of discussion/negotiation) and increasing the quality (...changing behavior). 

Let's talk about some details now...

Can I Drug Test Him for This New Legal High Stuff? 

He's under 18 y/o so you can absolutely test him or at least attempt to. It's difficult to test for many new boutique drugs but there are some options. But, let's play the tape out a bit and see what happens next if you do test... So you drug test him and, surprise surprise, it comes back positive for pot or purple haze or whatever nasty crap he took. Now what? Take away the car keys? He'll get friends to pick him up to go and party. Reprimand him until he caves in, begs forgiveness and seeks treatment? Maybe in another lifetime this will happen. 

Drug testing is a good tool for keeping a sober/clean person aware of their actions. A kid or adult who is not clean will not likely modify their behavior based on testing. He essentially is interested in having drugs as a part of his life or experimenting, not in maintaining sobriety. 

Should He See a Drug Counselor? 

This is what we refer to as intervention or treatment. Doesn't sound like your son is a cynical, hard-core drug abuser but more like an experimenter. First thing our clinicians would recommend is a substance abuse and psychoeducation assessment to figure out what's going on. You found probably 20% of what he's actually doing. From that assessment, we would have a list of clinical, familial, and education recommendations that will more accurately inform appropriate and congruent interventions. Going to a drug counselor first will not determine the underlying issues (if any) for his substance use. 

Take Home Message: Assessement > Treatment Plan > Treatment. More than likely, there will be some parenting work to be done so you can learn more effective means of setting boundaries, expectations, rewards and consequences. Basically, parent education as a parallel process while your son gets help. 

Do not try to go through this alone. Even if all you get is an afternoon consultation, find a professional that understands adolescents, drugs and parenting so they can point you in the right direction. Otherwise, you'll spend thousands of dollars, hours and hours of your life and still feel like you're not making headway. 

Question: I am newly married to a woman that has 2 kids. They are 11 and 13. We have been in a relationship for 3 years and I know the kids very well and we used to get along very well. We did not live together prior to our marriage 6 months ago. But ever since a couple of months after the marriage my relationship with the kids has become very strained. They do not seem to respect my right to discipline them, although my wife encourages me to take on that role (on an equal basis). It’s become quite uncomfortable and I have tried talking , as a family about the situation, without getting and improvements. I am at my wits end and I hate it. They used to like me and we had a lot of fun. Now they seem to hate me and I just feel anxious or angry all the time at home. I am not sure what to do?

Rob Danzman Says...:

Dear Dad,

First of all, congratulation on your recent marriage. Marriage is challenging enough without the added demands brought on by a blended family. You and many other fathers and mothers are in a similar situation where families have diverged and then merged. Generally speaking, the best thing is to get an outside professional's perspective like a individual and family counselor. Most families need no more than a few in-home sessions to improve communication, establish (or reestablish) roles and goals, and set a tone for the new family environment so everyone can appropriately share their voice and get their needs met. 

In the mean time, let's jump right in to some specifics things you and your wife can do until you find outside help. If I were working with your family, I'd want to know the children's biological father's role, I'd want to know how often they see him and that the relationship is like. I'd also want to dig into specifics about how your wife and you divide roles and responsibilities (...as parents, employment, money, etc.). Based on the little you shared, it sounds like you've got yourself some pre-teen challenge to authority, specifically targeting (maybe questioning) your 'right' to parent them (aka. set boundaries). It's often with the best intentions that the new parent defers to the bio-parent. Not a good idea. There is also often a lot of guilt by the bio-parent leading to an opportunity for the children to exploit both parents to get their wants met (often not needs). Below I listed out some key thoughts for you all to consider and ultimately practice. 

1. Consistency: Consistency between you and your wife. Consistency with any other adults/parents in the children's lives. Even consistency between home and school. If your wife says the kids can have 30 min of tv after homework is complete and you then tell the kids later on they can have an hour - you have just given their splitting muscle a shot of steroids. They will start going to the parent that gives them what they want. 

2. Boundaries: Boundaries are the building blocks of how we relate to our world. You and your wife have an opportunity to role model and create healthy, reasonable boundaries for both kids right now. HINT: They will not like this. They will not like you and your wife combining #1 (Consistency) with #2 (Boundaries. This is a disaster from their perspective on manipulating or playing the system. It's not because they are bad kids at all. It's a natural coping skill we have as humans. When boundaries are taught, role modeled and maintained by parents, kids also learn boundary development for their personal space, their bodies, and relationships. Who wouldn't want their kids to have a healthy respect for themselves and others?

3. Concrete: Be clear, short and direct about the expectations, rewards and consequences for your home and family. Rather than engaging in the super long and exhausting negotiation to complete homework, try giving them an option "Mary - you can either complete your homework and earn 30 min of tv or you can choose to not do your homework and have no privileges for the evening." Basically, our clinicians refer to it as Decreasing the quantity and increasing the quality. Talk less, mean more. This also applies to compliments (which many children do not often hear). This approach is to be used by any adult in the children's lives. 

4. Cumulative: You and your wife will hear hours and days of grumbling, fusing and arguing from the kids when you use our strategies. But - it will be worth it. They will start to see that your home and family are run with reasonable expectations (eg. good grades, completing chores, healthy relationships) as well as reasonable consequences and rewards (eg. 30 min of tv following homework). 

5. Negotiation: Anything other than data collection or information seeking (eg. Dad - where is the vacuum cleaner?) from a child when given a choice or boundary is negotiating. They are attempting to negotiate for whatever is they would prefer to do or avoid. Again - Decrease the quantity and increase the quantity. 

6. Family-Centered: Make sure that with this new approach is the addition of family-centered activities that are fun for everyone and fully engaging. One type of activity we particularly like facilitating is what in the business world would be called 'team building activities.' Activities that require the family to work together to accomplish a common goal. Make sure to mix it up, get the kids identifying and researching fun things for you all to do together. It's also good to have split time where sometimes you take one or both kids out to do something either fun or on the weekend to-do list. 

These are just a few things you all can do to realign the family in the direction you want it heading. Kids should definitely have a voice, just not a vote. Maintain consistent boundaries and have fun. Consider pulling in a consultation from professionals like us to facilitate the process. 

Good luck. 

Question: My son is a smart kid who never does as well as he is capable of in school since he is so terribly disorganized and sloppy and since he is always starting 10 projects at once and rarely finishing any of them. He in his first year at Michigan State and he is not doing very well. I can see that the things he struggled with in high school are becoming more of a problem for him now that he is expected to take more responsibility for himself. I should stress, it is not laziness that plagues him – if anything he has too much energy and excitement and that’s what gets him into trouble since he is always getting pulled in a thousand opposite directions at once. I am not sure how I can help him from afar. I am contemplating hiring him an older student who can sort of mentor him along, sort of like a life coach but for school. Sort of what I used to do for him when he lived at home. Do you think this is a good idea? Is there anything else or anything better that I could do for him?

Rob Danzman Says...:

This is a tricky situation since you want your son to start accepting responsibility for himself, yet at the same time, his distractibility is making it very challenging for him to do this. 

1. Get Buy-In From Your Son

You want, and will need, your son to not only let you find help for him but he will also need to agree that he has a problem that needs fixing. You do not want everyone working harder than your son to help him. Additionally, any professional that works with him, even if you pay or your insurance pays, will not speak with you unless you have an Authorization to Release Information. 

2. Reframe the Issue

I encourage you and your son to view this as a project with a start, middle and end. This will help him conceptualize this as fixable rather than a life-long problem which might make him feel hopeless. I would present this also as a project that needs a team of professionals to create a good game plan. Your family is clearly investing in his future with a great education. If he does not seek or accept help, you all will see a poor return on investment. 

3. Get an Evaluation

Next, get a psychological and education assessment by a licensed psychologist (not a Master's level but a Doctorate level clinician). Then, make sure the evaluator reviews the diagnoses, outcomes and, most importantly, recommendations which may include medication, counseling, and family support. This is really where you want to be - Clear support and direction from mental health professionals that can move your son forward. My guess is his diagnoses will be a huge help in determining the best treatment. 

4. Identify Boundaries

It's also a good time to decide how much help you are willing to give him. At some point he may choose to not accept help. Does he have to maintain a certain GPA? Does he have to graduate by a certain date? These are expectations that I would encourage you all to clearly state. A good counselor can help articulate this during individual and family sessions. 

5. Parenting Help

Piggy-backing on number 4 - You will need support of your own in the form of some parenting consultation or counseling. A consultation is typically more expensive per hour but gives you a whole lot of info in a short amount of time. Counseling will help you and your family members process their thoughts and feelings associated with your son's issues. 

This all is a starting point. From psychological evaluations to parenting work, our agency often supports families across the country in situations similar to yours and I can honestly say there is a very good chance your son will get back on track with the right help from friends, family and qualified professionals.

Best of Luck

Question: My 12 year old son was caught stealing from his friend’s mother’s purse. He has stolen from us before on 3 occasions and he was punished for this and we believed we had addressed the issue. The first time we let it go after a serious talk and the second time he was grounded from TV and computer games for 2 weeks and the last time he was again grounded for 2 weeks and he lost his allowance for a month. We are shocked and livid that he would do this outside of the family as well. He cannot explain why he did this. There is a pattern of behavior here that is very disturbing, but he does not get in trouble at school or have other behavioral problems other than normal stuff. We don’t know what to do? How do we address this?

Rob Danzman Says...:

This sounds like there could be what we would call a compulsion. This is by no means a diagnosis. But until a full psychological evaluation by a licensed psychologist is conducted, we would just be guessing. Stealing is sometimes a behavior we use to get something we want. Sometimes we steal to get back at someone even though we don't need what we stole. Then there are instances when people steal because they have no on/off switch to compulsion - a need to do something without there being a clear function to the behavior (eg. checking the door locks at night 5 times before going to bed). Thankfully, you are an observant, thoughtful parent and are doing something about this very early on. 

A good evaluation by a licensed psychologist will provide you with a diagnosis and set of recommendations. A good case manager can help ensure that those recommendations are followed-through with by finding the best therapist and psychiatrist available as well as coordinating with any other professionals needed. 

In summary, judge your son's behavior and not your son. Let him know you all are on the same team and will develop a plan on how to find a healthier way to express whatever is going on with him. Get that evaluation done and you'll have some clarity and direction. 

Best of Luck.