Question: I have an ethical problem. Is it ever a situation where helping a teen cheat school is the best thing to do? Here is my situation. My daughter is not good at school. She is not interested in school. I am desperately trying to get her to at least graduate high school. She is a private international school in Holland. The system is that she has an opportunity to do a redo assignment to make up all the failing grades she has had over the past year so she can graduate. We also have to pay a sizable amount for this privilege (We already have). As far as we knew she was up to date on this but it turns out she hasn’t started yet and this project needs to be turned in in 5 days. She will never make it on her own. This means I will lose my money and she will have to redo her senior year. I am not sure we can go through this again so I think this will mean she does not graduate. Should I do this work for her so she can graduate and just get her degree? She is very used to having people pick up after her so I hate to do this but I just want her to move on.

Raffi Bilek Says...:

As a counselor, I cannot tell you what is ethical and what is not. You will have to weigh this course of action against your own values and decide whether they are in line. That is something I can help you do; I can't tell you what your values should be.

Now, if you were asking whether this is developmentally appropriate, that is a different story, Generally it is not a good idea to "rescue" children by taking care of their responsibilities for them. However, every situation is different. I would need a lot more information about this one before I could think about what the best course of action might be.

Question: My 13 year old son is in puberty and his dad is not around so I think he has a hard time with what is going on with his body. I tried explaining the birds and the bees to him last year but it was so uncomfortable for both of us that I cut the discussion short after it seemed like he already knew everything I was trying to tell him. They teach it in health class at school. I came home today and I found him on our couch with the neighbors daughter. She is 10. They were both almost naked and fooling around. I sent her home and I haven’t really dealt with him yet. He is grounded. To me she is clearly still a child but his body has already changed a lot to be more man like. But the age differences are not that great. I am worried that there is something wrong with him to be acting that way with her but I also know that 13 year old boys are all hormones and have a hard time controlling themselves. I am so scared that there is something wrong with him. Should he be more interested in girls his own age? Should I be worried about this?

Raffi Bilek Says...:

Well, it really doesn’t appear that something is “wrong” with him for doing some sexual exploration. That, as you noted, is pretty normal. There are really a couple of different issues at hand here:

- Consent: was this girl a willing or unwilling participant? (Note: this is NOT to be construed as legal advice, as legally speaking NO 10-year-old can give consent; and different states have different rules about what age difference is legally acceptable for underage sexual partners. You may want to check with your state’s child abuse hotline to find out what the rules are. Or you might not. Again, I’m not offering legal advice here.) If she was willing, then yes, I’d say it’s normal – especially if she too is beginning to develop physically (which you did not mention). If he had forced her into this, or convinced/seduced her, there might be a bigger problem. You’d have to provide more information.

- Guidance: this child is going to need some. You didn’t specify where exactly Dad is, but I will assume he is simply not available. If you cannot assume this role, it might be wise to find a teacher (health class?), guidance counselor, coach, “big brother,” etc., who can discuss these sensitive issues with him. It needs to be clear to him that sexual activity has to be consensual (and that concept itself needs to be explained). He also needs some good information on safe sex. Nobody wants a pregnant 10-year-old. It’s possible that these issues ARE being discussed in health class. You can look into that.

- Communication: even if you’re not going to be THE person to talk about this stuff with him, he should know that he COULD in theory talk to you if he needed to. To that end, I am not even sure why you grounded him. Are there rules in your house about sexual activity? (And if there are, does he even know them?) Are you perhaps from a religious family where this kind of behavior is considered out of bounds? (And if so, does he even know that?) By grounding him, you are sending the message that this behavior needs to be hidden, which is probably not what you want, and possibly not what you even believe. You are much better off with him doing this on your couch in your home than going off somewhere else and doing it where you will never find out. And by leaving the door open to talking about these things, uncomfortable as it may be, you will be leaving a lifeline for him should he ever find himself in need of parental help. (Of course, there are many more factors that could be at work here in terms of your approach to the whole situation, which you would have to tell me more about to give you more specific ideas.)

I hope this is helpful.

Raffi Bilek, LSW

Question: My daughter came home throwing up drunk last night. I am working for a 2 year contract in Madrid. My 16 and 14 year old daughters and my wife have all been here since September. My daughters are fitting in well but it is common here for 16 year olds to congregate at cafes and bars and even go to discos. There does not seem to be any enforced drinking age. I have been holding my daughter to American standards and do not allow her to drink alcohol at all or go to bars or discos. She says this makes it hard for her to fit in with her friends. Should I loosen up and adopt a when in Rome kind of attitude. She is a good and level headed kid but I just think 16 is too young to be going to those kind of places.

Raffi Bilek Says...:

You have a little problem here. You have taken your daughter into an environment that you see as unhealthy.  Yet you are unlikely to win a fight against that environment.  (It's for that very reason that people often choose to live in environments they see as healthy and in line with their values.)  I personally would be more worried about a 16 year old coming home totally drunk than I would be about her not fitting in with her friends - but she, on the other hand, undoubtedly sees things exactly opposite.

You may get through the two years without her getting in any real trouble. I don't know how common it is for young women - who apparently do this kind of thing all the time over there - to be violated, hospitalized, etc.  But even if she makes it through, how is she going to behave when she is back in the US having already experienced the wild life?

You are in Rome, but who wants their kid to act like a Roman?

The choices are probably fighting it out with your daughter - which might put a strain on the relationship, and which is likely a losing battle anyway; letting her behave according to local norms, which I can't say sounds terribly safe (though maybe it's just my American cultural bias); or getting her into a different location, either by sending her away to school somewhere else, or moving the whole family somewhere else.

Sorry I don't have an easier answer - sounds like a tough spot.

Lastly, if you haven't talked to your daughter yet about safe sex, you'd better get on that. Yesterday. 

Question: I found my 16 year old son drinking alone in his room. He wasn’t drunk and he says he doesn’t get drunk and that sometimes he just has a couple of drinks at night to help him sleep. I have had a problem with him. He doesn’t get in any trouble and he does well at school. How worried do I need to be by this? I have forbidden him to continue with the drinking and he said it was no big deal.

Raffi Bilek Says...:

I would be pretty worried.  First of all, a 16-year-old drinking is not great.  A 16-year-old drinking to help him get to sleep is DEFINITELY not great.  It is likely symptomatic of something deeper going on.  A 16-year-old drinking alone in his room is also a bad sign.  And to top it off, he says "it's no big deal."  This does not sound like it's going in a good direction. I think you would be wise to start looking for ways to get involved now before it gets worse.  This might mean finding an adult he trusts, if it's not you; speaking to the guidance counselor at school; getting in touch with a therapist who deals with adolescents, or substance abuse issues, or both; or anything else you can think of that won't result in him just rebuffing your concerned words.

Good luck.

Question: My elderly mom has bad arthritis and other pain complaints and needs assistance in the home. She is on a lot of pain medications and she has a caregiver come in every day to helper her with her bathing and with meal preparation and some other odds and ends. She is a pretty independent person so this lets her stay out of an assisted living community for the time being. My mom’s long time caregiver recently moved away and so we have gotten a new lady, who seems nice. Yesterday, I saw her leaving a place I know to be a methadone clinic. I know people deserve second chances but I am not sure that a recovering junkie is the best person to be handing out my mom’s opiate pain medications. I am thinking about firing her. Am I overreacting?

Raffi Bilek Says...:

Sorry if this comes out double - I tried to post an answer before and it seems not to have gone through. Hopefully this one will.

The first thing that I think is important to think about is that we don't really know what's going on here.  Here are a couple of ideas off the top of my head as to what could be going on in this situation:

• She works at the clinic.
• She had to help another client at the clinic.
• It's no longer actually a methadone clinic.
• She went to the wrong address and you saw her coming out.

It's a very real possibility that there is some explanation here OTHER than that she was a heroin addict.  So really before making a decision you'd need to clarify with her what her situation is.

Second, even if she is a recovering addict, there is a lot more information you would need before you could tell how unsafe the situation is.  For example, how long has she been in recovery?  How committed is she to staying clean?  How stable is her life in general?  Also, do you have any references for her? (It is always a good idea to get references for caregivers, babysitters, etc.)

In the end, you may find you want to find someone a different caregiver anyway; but at this point I think you don't have enough information to really know if that's necessary.  In this situation, like many others, honesty and communication are probably the best methods of getting what you need.

Question: My 13 year old son has behavior issues that happen mostly because he is ADHD and very impulsive. he was suspended twice last school year for fighting and mouthing off and he has always had a lot of trouble following the rules at school. Now this summer he is hanging around with some older kids and I have caught him smoking cigarettes and drinking and I would assume they are also smoking marijuana or worse.  I am worried that he is not going to make it through high school as it is but if he starts getting into drugs I think he will be in jail before too long. I don't know where to turn at this point. The school guidance counselor suggested I look into boarding schools for children with behavioral issues but they were far more expensive then I could ever afford to pay.  What can a single mom who has to work all day and can't watch her son every minute and cannot afford expensive boarding schools do to keep her drug experimenting at risk son from getting into real trouble?

Raffi Bilek Says...:

I am sorry to hear of your distressing predicament.

You didn't say this explicitly, but I am guessing from what you did say that you do not have a very close relationship with your son.  In that case, probably the best thing you can do is to find him one - get him a big brother, a mentor, someone who is a little older than him and can be a positive role model and provide an emotional connection.  It is common that boys seeking to fill a hole in their hearts end up doing it with drugs, alcohol, and other unsavory practices.  Look in your area for organizations that might provide this kind of service.  If nothing else, find a good, stable high school or college kid looking to make a few extra bucks and pay him to spend a couple hours a week with your son.  (You may also have to pay for trips to water parks, zoos, museums, laser tag, whatever you can think of.)  I understand that money is tight, but you are unlikely to find a magic solution to your problem that is free.

Additionally, you may want to seek out a psychiatric consultation to see whether he would benefit from some type of ADHD medication.

Feel free to contact me if I can be of further service.

Question: My daughter is obsessed with herself and with having other people think she is pretty and popular. I realize that this sounds like normal teenage behavior but I think she is on the extreme end and I am worried she may be a narcissist. She gets very angry whenever anyone questions her beauty or her ‘status’ and she seems to consider it her God given right to use other people as she sees fit for her own ends. We have had a strained relationship for a few years now. I love her dearly but I have very little influence over her so my words don’t really change much for her. She is a popular person and she always has a group that follow her but she has trouble holding onto the same friends for long – and close friends always leave her. I am worried that unless she changes she is going to end up alone in life. How can I know if she really does have narcissism and if she does is there any effective treatment for this condition?

Raffi Bilek Says...:

Given your description that your relationship is strained, you probably need to find someone else to talk to her and work things out. It's impossible to tell from your short paragraph what is really happening.  It's certainly possible that she has narcissistic personality disorder, but it could also just be a case of poor judgment. A good therapist can help tell the difference and hopefully coach her to adjust her behaviors so as not to chase away her friends.

Question: How do I know if my teen daughter is depressed? She is 14 and all she ever wants to do is go to her room and close the door and listen to sad music. She says she is fine but she doesn’t seem to be hanging out with any of her old friends and she said she doesn’t want to do the band this year which is something she has always done. She also sleeps much later than she used to. I am looking at signs of depression on the internet and she seems to have a lot of them and to me as her mother I can just feel that something is wrong. My husband says I am crazy and that all the signs I am noticing are just an increased need for privacy and the normal moodiness and laziness of teenagehood. How can I tell the difference?

Raffi Bilek Says...:

Less important than knowing whether she is or is not clinically depressed is what you are going to do about it. Whether she is suffering from depression or just normal teenage angst, odds are she won't be talking about it with her parents.  If there is an adult in her life whom she trusts (e.g. a teacher, older relative, etc.), you may want to bring that person in to connect with her. If not, you could gently offer her "someone to talk to" and help her find an appropriate counselor (in person or online).

That said, when it comes to depression, big changes are the key to look for.  If she drops all her old friends, plummets academically, changes her activities - that could be a sign that something's up. Again, there may be little you can do about besides providing a supportive environment - which may mean NOT asking her what's going on every day - and gently helping her connect with a professional who can help.