Question: I am in a very difficult situation. My 14 year old daughter is flirting heavily with my new boyfriend and wearing inappropriate clothing around the house when he is over. She denies doing it but it is very awkward for him and for me. I think that she does it to get back at me for disciplining her for recent problems she has had like shoplifting and drinking in the park with her friends. I find it disgusting of course that she acts like this but I do not know how upset or worried I should be. Is this normal behavior for a girl her age.

Rachel Starck Says...:

This is a very difficult situation. It is normal for adolescent girls to begin experiencing sexual feelings, to experiment with dressing and acting in a more sexual manner, to explore the power sexuality can have.  However it is very inappropriate for her to be acting this way with grown men, particularly your boyfriend.  I would seek a counselor familiar with teen girls asap.  Some ways to address it, might be to normalize her wish to be attractive, her attraction to boys, but to talk about safe and appropriate ways to express this.  If your boyfriend is up for it, I might include him in the discussion.  He could assure her that she is attractive but that the message she sends by this behavior is not attractive, but very uncomfortable.  Ideally your goal is to have an open relationship with her where she can confide in you, ask questions and share what is going on in her peer group, without feeling judged.  And in which she can hear feedback and accept some guidance from you, her parent.

I encourage you to seek suppport locally to address your relationship with your daughter, and her high risk behaviors!

Best luck,

Rachel Starck, LPC

Question: I can't control my 15 year old son and I don't know what do. He won't come home some nights and he doesn't answer my phone calls and then he is vague about where he has been. I ground him and he just doesn't come home again. I take away all his privileges and he doesn't care, he just goes out. I stop his allowance and he always seems to have lot of money that I don't know where he gets. He won't talk to me and the only thing I can think to do is the thing I never want to do which is kick him out of the house! How do I make this situation better. My wife and I are at the end of our rope and we just do not know what to do.

Rachel Starck Says...:

Very difficult situation.  Your son is flexing his budding independence, testing limits and certainly making dangerous decisions, however you are right in that you can not control him.  I would seek professional counseling for yourself and your wife as soon as possible.  I do not know enough about his childhood or prior family history, but you might also look into the parenting approach called "Tough Love", which supports parents in making diffficult choices about boundaries with out of control children.

Kind regards, Rachel Starck, LPC

www.thethrivingmama.com

Question: My son lives at home. He dropped out of college last year and he works an overnight gas station job and otherwise sleeps and sits at home playing video games and I think smoking a lot of pot. I am so frustrated with his apathy because he is a very smart guy he could do anything but seems to be choosing to just do nothing. My wife says it’s just a phase he is going through and that eventually he will get bored with this life and decide for himself to move on to something better and that if we try to force the issue before he’s ready it will just end up like the last time he failed out of college. I am starting to worry that he will never choose to do anything more than he is doing right now unless we force the issue. How do I make someone who doesn’t want to care about the future care about the future? Kicking him out of the house is totally not an option from my wife’s perspective.

Rachel Starck Says...:

This sounds very frustrating, for all involved.  Firstly, you did not mention any boundaries, rules, or expectations set for your adult son when he moved in/dropped out of college, so I am wondering if he is clear about what is expected of him.  Secondly, he sounds pretty depressed.  Major depression can look like someone is lazy and does not care, however, they are suffering from lack of motivation, lack of hope, lack of energy, and are likely struggling to get through each day.  Working a night shift, daily marijuana use, and isolating with video games, are his efforts to manage his feelings, however, not effective for long term success.  You can not "make him care about his future",  however you can meet with a therapist, along with your wife to discuss a plan of action to give him the opportunity to get help.  This plan might look like talking with him together about your concerns, setting firm, compassionate boundaries, and encouraging him to take action.  Examples might be that you require that he see a counselor/therapist once a week if he is to continue living there, or that he pay rent, or that he partcipate in the household in other ways. 

But first you and your wife must get on the same page!

Best luck!

Rachel Starck, LPC

www.thethrivingmama.com

Question: My 13 year old daughter forgot to log out of her facebook account and when I got on the computer I couldn’t help myself but take a look. I know it was an invasion of her privacy but I just did it anyway. I know that 13 year olds are way too grown up these days but I was shocked at the stuff these kids were talking about, about marijuana and drinking and sex and posting provocative pictures. My daughter had posted some shots of herself in her bedroom that were obviously supposed to be sexy shots of her in her underwear. It is very hard to see this. I have not told her that I snooped through her account but I am very worried about this. Is this normal behavior for a 13 year old girl? What should I do about this?

Rachel Starck Says...:

Dear Parent,

While your daughters participation on facebook it is not unheard of at her age, it certainly is of concern given the dynamics of facebook, and the internet in general.  I would seek a local counselor who specializes in adolescent/family issues to talk to about this.  Without knowing much about your relationship with your daughter, previous boundaries you have set regarding her computer and internet use, her peer relationships, family dynamics and such, I can not tell you what you should do, aside from that is is of concern, and I recommend that you get a professional counselor to help guide you through this and other issues on the horizon as you raise your daughter.

Best wishes,

Rachel Starck LPC

www.thethrivingmama.com

Question: I came home from work sick yesterday and found my son in his room huffing glue. I was shocked! He is only 13. We had a long talk about how dangerous it was to do this. He said he didn’t know how dangerous it was and that he had only done it a few times over the last few months. He says he will not do it anymore. I think he was pretty scared to learn about the brain damage that huffing causes. We looked it up on the internet together so he could see that it wasn’t just his dad that said it was dangerous. I am a single dad and I am not sure what to do now. I am going to enroll him in an after school program so he does not have so much free time everyday before I get home from work. I think this is when he gets into trouble. I am worried that he has been huffing more than he has admitted he was. I do not know if he has an addiction or not. Should I take him to a doctor or psychiatrist to find out if he has an addiction? I am not sure who the person is that I am supposed to go to for help in this kind of situation.

Rachel Starck Says...:

Wow, difficult situation.  As you are well aware, huffing toxins, is very dangerous for the developing brain.  I like your educational approach with your son, as well as the idea to add structure to his day.  I would recommend getting him to see a counselor or therapist who is familiar with adolescents, and addiction, and would be willing to also do family counseling if need be.  I would be most concerned about what is going on in his life (school, peers, family) that is leading him to make these choices.  Drug use is usually a symptom of emotional issues.  And even if he is addicted, the recovery approach will be to help him learn to manage and express his feelings and emotions in a more effective way then getting high.

Very best wishes,

Rachel Starck, LPC

www.thethrivingmama.com

Question: How worried should I be if I saw one of my 12 year old son’s good friends smoking a joint behind the mall? I was shocked to see this and I thought we had at least a couple more years before these kids would be exposed to drugs and alcohol. My son swears he has never done drugs and he says he didn’t know that his friend was using drugs. I have a feeling I am not getting the whole story. What should I do? I want to forbid my son to see this other boy, I want to make my son take a drug test, I want to yell at this boy’s parents – but everything seems wrong. I don’t know what to do to protect my son.

Rachel Starck Says...:

While it is shocking, as a professional in the field of both addictions and adolescent development, it is not unheard of for this age group to begin experimenting with drug and alcohol use.  Take a deep breath, and try not to alienate your son, talk to him, help him to feel safe talking to you about what his friends are doing, pressures he may be feeling etc.  The point is not to force him to confirm what you saw, but to open the door for conversations about the reality that he will come in contact with drugs, alcohol, and peer pressure, and then empower him to make healthy, safe decisions.  I would not forbid the friendship, because he will likely rebel against that, see his friend anyway, and tell you even less about what is going on.   Instead, I would influence when and where your son spends time with the friend, think about structure, (for example, invite the friend for a movie at your house, or offer to take them to a sporting event, rather then running around the mall without adult supervision, or hanging out at the park).  I would avoid drug testing, for several reasons, the most salient being that by demanding he take a drug test, you are immediately telling him you have no trust in him, which is not helpful in setting the stage for open lines of honest communication.  Also, drug testing is not always completely accurate, so he may test negative regardless of whether he has tried marijuana or not.

It is absolutely concerning, but as our children grow, we can not control what they do, what decisions they make or who they associate with.  Better to validate his feelings, keep an open line of communication, be clear about your concerns, your boundaries, fears, legal boundaries, and help your son to make the best decisions he can about friends, drugs, alcohol, sex etc.  And if he is not talking to you much, make sure he has access to other responsible healthy adults who will guide him in ways that line up with your values.  A youth pastor, aunt, uncle, or counselor may be helpful in order to create a support network around him.

If you continue to feel upset and overwhelmed by this situation and potential future parenting challenges, get help for yourself.  Seek out a professional counselor or therapist who works with teens and families, and has familiarity with drug and alcohol issues.  This support will help you to navigate this chapter in your families life!

Best wishes,

Rachel Starck, LPC

www.thethrivingmama.com

Question: My 13 year old son has a problem with self confidence and self esteem. He has always been shy but he is a lovely person and a great artist and a true pleasure to be around for anyone that takes the time to get to know him. I watch him with his classmates at school and he just lets them walk all over him and he never stands up for himself. It is so hard for me to sit back and watch but I don’t think having him mom wading in to fight his battles for him is going to help him in the long run. How can I get him to be more assertive and confident with his friends at school? He wants to fit in so badly so he just lets people treat him very poorly just so he’ll have a group to belong to. I tell him that real friends don’t make you do things you don’t want to do but I know my words probably don't carry the same weight as his need to fit in with his peers. I am worried that he is going to get involved with dangerous things like drugs since he seems like he’ll go along with anything just to fit in.

Rachel Starck Says...:

My heart goes out to you!  It is so hard to watch our children struggle with self worth, social pressures etc.  I agree with you that it will not benefit him in the long run to have you rescue him or fight his battles.  I would really focus on ways he can connect with peers who share his interests, and I would recommend finding a local counselor for him to work with on self esteem, peer relationships and all the adjustments of entering adolescence.  It takes a village to raise our children.  You don't have to do it all by yourself, and at his age, as you mentioned, your words may not have the weight that other role models may.  Think about what other adults are in his life, who he respects, might listen to, talk to, develop his talents with...   And keep appreciating and noting his strengths as you clearly are!

Question: My niece lives with me. She is 14 and her parents were killed in a car crash 4 years ago. I was happy at the time to take her in and raise her as my own but I must admit that it has been a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. She is now having a lot of behavior issues at school. She is hanging with a very bad crowd and she is experimenting with smoking and drugs and drinking. She was caught shoplifting before Christmas and the police brought her home a month before that suspecting her of an act of vandalism that they couldn’t prove she committed. I have 2 kids of my own aged 8 and 11. I am worried that she is a bad influence for them. Because she is older I have higher expectations for my niece than for my children but she interprets that as a double standard, as if she is Cinderella and we are the mean family that makes her work while we play. She thinks we treat her differently than we do the other kids but it really just isn’t true. I am not sure what to do with her and I am thinking about some type of boarding school for kids with conduct problems. If she was my own kid I think this would be an easy decision to make. She needs an intervention and she needs it now and the path she is on right now in this home and at this school with these friends she has is not a good one at all. But since she already feels on some level that she isn’t a real part of our family I am worried that she will feel like we are sending her away because we don’t want her anymore and that instead of making things better, this is going to cause her to get worse. She has had a really hard time and I want her to succeed in life. I also really do love her like one of my own. How do I get her out of this bad situation she is in without making her feel like we are pushing her away?

Rachel Starck Says...:

You have a big heart to have taken her in, and to care as much as you do.  What a big impact on your own children and family!  This is a very challenging and complicated situation for all of you.  First, do you have a good counselor for yourself?  And secondly, is she willing to see a counselor or therapist?  Sending her away may very well be perceived as abandonment, and given her previous huge loss, this won't be helpful.  She is at a developmental age where it is normal to begin pushing away from parent figures, testing limits in new and dangerous ways, trying to be more independent, while at the same time very much needing you to be there. 

Do you feel that she has grieved her parents?  Is she open in communicating her feelings about loosing them? I suggest pursuing professional counseling for each of you as well as family sessions prior to making the decision to send her to boarding school.

Your question: "how do I get her out of this bad situation...w/o making her feel like we are pushing her away?"  got my attention too.  You may not have the power to "get her out of this situation".  You can provide tools, support and opportunity for her to grow and heal, but you can not make her feel or do anything.  She has to decide to make changes.  And you and your childrens father will have to decide what your limits are for you and your children.  You must also take care of yourselves in order to be of help to her.

I sincerely hope you get help from a professional counselor with experience with teens experiencing grief and loss!

Very best wishes, Rachel