Question: We are a Christian family. My daughter is 14 and we have always had a good relationship. This year she has started to dress very provocatively. It makes me very uncomfortable and we have had a number of discussions about why dressing like a street hooker is not appropriate when going to school or to the mall. The fact that her school will allow this is another story for another day. We have also had a number of very intense arguments over the clothes she chooses to wear. The problem is, no matter how strict I am on the family dress code I cannot watch her 24 hours a day and as soon as she is out of our sight she will just head to her friend’s house and change into what she really wants to wear. What can I do to make her realize that dressing so sexily at her age is not going to get her the right kind of attention and will only lead to bad things?

Jody Hansen Says...:

It is very frustrating as parents to know the hazards of some of our children's behaviors and not be able to prevent them no matter how hard we try. The first thing I would ask you is who is buying her these inappropriate clothes? Does she work of have some sort of income to buy what she wants? That part is something you do have control over. However, kids will find a way and she can borrow her friends clothes for the day. Even those kids who go to a parochial school where there are uniforms can dress inappropriately outside of school. The only leverage you have is letting her know why you disapprove and the consequences she will experience if you see her dressing that way. The consequences will have to be meaningful for your daughter such as no cell phone, computer time, etc. You must be able to follow through with that. You still have to realize that she may "break the rules" since her friends are dressing that way. Peer pressure at that age is very difficult combat and the 14 year old brain is still developing the capability to make good judgments. In the end, you may have to learn to "let go" and have her experience the consequences of her decisions. It sounds like you will do everything you can to prevent a problem situation, but ultimately you cannot keep her locked in a cage. In summary, let her know your feelings and why, do not pay for these inappropriate clothes, provide appropriate consequences for her behavior when you are aware and then pray. Some things are out of our control as parents. Stay strong.

Question: My mother has suffered with arthritis for years. About a year ago her doctor encouraged her to try medical marijuana as an alternative treatment that might work to help diminish her pain. She was very reluctant to try it, always having been very anti-drug and straight laced, but she did try it and she finds that it helps her. So that it great and I am very happy for her. The problem I have is that she has taken a 180 degree turn on marijuana and now wants to sing its praises to anyone who will listen. Which would be fine, but that ‘anyone’ happens to include my 12 and 15 year old boys who I don’t feel need any pro-drug encouragement at this stage in their lives. I have asked her to stop but she says she isn’t going to hide her medicine in her own house or feel ashamed for taking something that helps her so much to control her arthritis, so she will even use in front of everyone when we come over. I can see her point, but I wish she could see mine. My husband is furious with her for all of this and thinks she is completely irresponsible and he is pushing me to stop letting her expose the boys to drugs and…and then I defend her because I feel like he’s not being totally fair and we end up fighting and so her ‘medicine’ has even become a problem within my marriage. We have always been a close knit family who visits each other frequently as we live within walking distance of each others' homes, but I am seriously considering not bringing the boys over any more. They’d hate it and she’d hate it and I’d feel terrible for doing it but I don’t know what else to do if she won’t listen to reason. Should I let the boys go over when I know they may be exposed to marijuana when they do?

Jody Hansen Says...:

Your mother seems to be putting you in a difficult situation. You are having to choose between her need to use medical marijuana and be an advocate for the drug and your need to be a responsible parent and teach your children that drugs can be harmful with the rare exception when under a doctors care.  It seems that your mother is not respecting you at all. I would not allow my children to be alone with my mother since she may smoke in front of the children. An interesting article from the Canadian Cancer organization states that:

In
June 2002, a panel of experts brought together by the International
Agency for Research on Cancer (an agency of the World Health
Organization) determined that second-hand smoke causes cancer. And we
know that marijuana and cigarette smoke contain as many as 50 of the
same cancer causing substances. For these reasons, experts believe that
exposure to second-hand marijuana smoke is at least as harmful as
second-hand tobacco smoke. 

Perhaps you can accompany them with the expressed desire that she not smoke while the kids are there. Should she choose to smoke and/or talk about the benefits of marijuana around the boys you should leave without making a fuss. Lay out the ground rules to her ahead of time. Ultimately the decision to visit with her grandchildren is in her court. If she would rather not see her grandchildren, that is her decision and you should not take on the responsibility for her choices. Good luck and stay strong.