Question: Should I give money to homeless people on the street? I often do but then I wonder if I am just enabling their addictions.

Stephanie Adams Says...:

Since you can't know for sure whether you are fueling an addiction or if the person would wisely use the money, I have heard (and agree) that the best way to deal with it is to keep on hand gift cards to supply them with necessary resources. Giving them a gift card to a major chain store or grocery store that would enable them to buy toiletries, food, clothing and more is a way of helping them with lesser risk of fueling addiction. You might also have some gift cards to fast-food places, preferably some with healthy menu choices.

Another way to help is to volunteer at the Salvation Army or a homeless shelter, providing a hot meal and a listening ear. 

Either way, giving to others is also a great way to make your life more full and rich. You should be commended for your desire to do so.

Question: How long does it take after a person smokes marijuana before they can drive safely again? My husband goes over to our neighbor’s house all the time to smoke with his friends and then like an hour later he will be back and ready to drive me and the kids somewhere. He looks OK and he says that after an hour after smoking he is OK to drive. He drives fine and I cannot see any difference but it is still something that worries me. How long should he wait after smoking before he is OK to drive?

Stephanie Adams Says...:

While I appreciate your faith in me, as a mental health expert and not a medical expert, I cannot give you an authoritative answer on this question. I did some research to see if there was anything out there that a medical expert had published to give you an answer, but everything I saw told me it depends on the person's individual reaction to the drug and the amount of THC in the marijuana taken.

My advice? Talk to your family doctor or your local drug & alcohol rehab center. They usually have a team of experts at their disposal to help you with your questions, and they are better equipped to evaluate your husband's reaction.

Question: I have had dysthymia since I was 18. I have tried multiple meds, ect, therapy, etc. I think there is no hope.

Stephanie Adams Says...:

There is always hope. It doesn't feel that way, but that's just part of the disease. A "side effect" of depression, if you will, is hopelessness. I don't know what's not worked about the therapy you've been to before, but just because it hasn't worked yet doesn't mean it won't in the future. There are many different theories of therapy (Cognitive-Behavioral, Solutions-Focused, etc.) and many different kinds of therapy (Art, Animal-assisted, Group, etc.) and you can't have tried them all. I know just thinking about it takes a lot of emotional energy, but don't let that stop you. Take a deep breath, and keep trying. You DO have the ability to find the answer, it's just very, very hard work. I admire you for continuing to reach out when you feel so down. That's the kind of guts that will get you through this. Don't stop trying.

I'm rooting for you.

Question: My boyfriend is a good guy with a good job but sometimes he drinks too much and he has a bad reputation around town as a guy who fights. But he has never been violent with me before and he said that he would never hit a woman. Last night he and his friends were drinking when someone brought over a bottle of tequila. He told everyone that he couldn’t drink it because tequila made him really crazy but his friends wouldn’t listen and they made him do shots because it was someones birthday. They went out for a while and when he came back he was really drunk and I made some little joke about him stumbling around and he just freaked out and he pushed me down and hit me a couple of times. He was really sorry right away and he has apologized to me so many times already. He says that when he drinks tequila he just gets like that and he promised he would never drink that again. My parents want to kill him and they say that it wasn’t tequila that made him violent it is just the way he is. Is tequila something that makes people go crazy like that? I don’t know what to do because I really like him but he really scared me last night.

Stephanie Adams Says...:

First off, his friends didn't "make" him drink tequila. He knew he had a problem with drinking, and he did it anyway. That's a choice. Unless he was kidnapped & tied up, he made that choice of his own free will. Don't let him try to tell you otherwise. 

If people were all bad or all good it would be easier to know what to do with them. Your boyfriend's a good guy sometimes. Sometimes he's a guy who abuses you. Is he a good enough guy to put up with being abused "sometimes"? (Or to potentially have children with him someday that will be "sometimes" abused?) Because you have a choice here too. You are never responsible for being abused. That's the choice of the abuser. But if you stay with him without his making some SIGNIFICANT changes, you are choosing to put yourself in a situation with a high potential for harm. YOU HAVE THE CHOICE NOT TO DO THAT.

This can (can, not will) just be a one-time thing IF he agrees to go to AA, anger management, and/or set some concrete limits, such as never having more than two drinks (or one shot) a night. That means never getting drunk. He will probably try to tell you that you shouldn't worry so much about it, he just had a bad night, he'll control himself better next time. If that's true, then he should have no problem setting some limits to make sure it never happens again. A person who is truly sorry will do that for you. If he doesn't set those limits, he's not sorry, and he's not ready to change. After all, if he knows you'll forgive him without his having to make any
changes in his life, why should he stop drinking? He knows you'll put
up with it.

The bottom line is make him back up his promises to change with actions, or he will do it again. Statistics say that a woman goes back to an abusive partner 7 times before she leaves for good. That means he has the chance to change and still abuses her SEVEN DIFFERENT TIMES before she sets a boundary. Don't wait that long. You deserve better. I want better for you.

And if he does make changes, but you still don't feel safe with him, you do not have the obligation to continue being with him. Don't feel guilty if you can't get past it. You have a right to be in a relationship where you feel safe. 

You have a lot of hard choices ahead of you. But you can handle this & make the choices that are best for you. I know it!