Question: This is a question about healing our sick society – our mentally ill society I would say. If American were a person she’d need therapy. Is there something toxic about collective self righteousness and outrage? I am so sick of listening to talk radio or news shows with my co-workers. We use morality judgments to feel superior to people with a different point of view. How do you fight against neat and tidy arguments that sound very correct and play into our baser impulses but do not represent the complicated, uncertain and messy reality? I feel like this media-driven poison is responsible for a lot of the hate in our society. We are in a hate spiral that is getting worse and worse and it is going to destroy us. How can we stop this at the level of society?

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

I hear and feel your frustration! Yes, we live in a very fear-based environment, and the media does promote it. While I would love to say that we could cure this problem on a societal lever, I do not really believe that is possible because we do have Freedom of Speech laws. However, we can prevent the spread of this problem by individually choosing NOT to participate in such discussions. The same way we let people know our like, dislikes and tastes in general in terms of topics of conversation we will or will not tolerate, we can do the same on these issues of fear and hate mongering that is brought to the forefront by various media/talk show personalities.

I believe that it is important that each person find his/her own voice in these moments to speak up and state an opinion that counters the fear and hate. Often times people do not speak up for fear of being ridiculed or bullied in some way because of a different opinion. Remember the saying that 'the sure way for hate to thrive is for good men to do nothing...'  I believe that all societal changes begin at a grass roots level... We have to be willing to stand up for what we believe is good, respectful, compassionate and loving.  This may be an easy message to live with, but it is not often a message that sells and gets energy flowing and advertising dollars as well.

You raise a valid concern and I would recommend that you start locally. You can write letters to the editors of newspapers... write a different kind of blog post... search out blog posts that promote 'loving kindness' good mental health, positive life choices, etc. and support them by sharing these messages on social media with friends, etc. When you are doing something that brings about a positive change you feel more empowered. You may not be able to change your co-workers' opinions and you may not be able to stop the fear mongering media channels, but you do not have to feel beaten down by them either. You can bring your own voice and message to the fray and focus on the good you can do to help heal the toxic messages that bombard you. 

This is how change happens and there are voices out there in the media, politics, society and work places that do share your concerns and are doing what they can to counter the fear and hate. Be willing to simply share your thoughts and feelings, NOT looking to change anyone else, simply offering a different perspective. Remember that while you may heartily disagree with what is being said and promoted, you need to accept that those are their thoughts and beliefs. Voltaire said: "I do not have to agree with what you said, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it".

I get that it is hurtful, painful and even at times downright infuriating to hear what people say or agree with, and we'd like to make them stop. Rather than putting your energy to trying to control "them" focus your energy on what you need or can do at any given moment to take care of yourself to keep yourself feeling hopeful, positive, loving and respectful to you yourself and your beliefs. It's not about right and wrong, it's about each person's beliefs.  When it is a personal conversation, you can ask the person if he/she would like to hear your take on the issue. They may say no, in which case you get to walk away.  You also do not have to listen to what you find painful or distasteful. If the person says yes, then you get to share your thoughts and ideas on an issue. Remember, your goal is NOT to change their mind...that is up to them... you goal is simply to be able to speak up and be heard....

I hope that this is helpful. Please reach out if you need additional support and guidance in bringing about good health to our world.  I do believe that this can happen if people share the good messages and not just the fear based ones.

Question: How is what we do as a society not enabling? For example. It is enabling when I give my daughter a place to stay even though she is an alcoholic spending her disability checks on alcohol every month. If I kick her out she goes and stays at a shelter. She still spends her disability checks on alcohol but now it is the government that is paying for room and board, and not me…but most importantly, it is still not her. She is still free to spend her whole check on alcohol. Which she does. I understand that we have shelters out of compassionate reasons but I thought that doing the hard thing and not enabling was actually more compassionate than letting her stay…so is it not more compassionate also to not provide shelters and free food to homeless alcoholics? Don’t we want people to hit rock bottom so they can start to change for the better?

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

I understand your concern and confusion. I can tell you that I have worked with clients over the years who have told me that there were many times they would have preferred the streets over shelters since the shelters were very challenging places to be.   Your daughter may choose to spend all her money on alcohol, and while the government may give her a place to stay where she is not out on the streets, it is ultimately her choice that that is how she chooses to live. You must choose how you want to live.

When your daughter was living with you, you were the one providing her with room, board, laundry (perhaps), love, care, etc. and it was up to you to set down rules, boundaries and expectations.  Since you could not control whether your daughter would follow your rules, etc. you had to create consequences... ie: she could no longer live at your home while she continued to drink.  Once that boundary/rule was violated, you had to enforce the consequence. IF you did not lock your door, and actually keep her from living at home with you, then you were enabling her to take advantage of you - and that is enabling.  Shelters also have rules, which if not followed, there are consequences as well, and there is no emotion when the consequences are meted out..  So, it is not enabling; being part of a system also offers the possibility of support services (counseling, AA mtgs, applications to rehab,etc... depending on where you live) so an individual can avail herself of these services and begin to make new choices and decisions... Again, it's her choice, not yours, and she has to be ready to face her feelings, fears and life before she will accept whatever help may be available to her. 

You can continue to love your daughter, and even be compassionate, BUT that doesn't mean you have to take her in, provide for her or pay her bills.  It is through respectful, albeit difficult, boundaries for yourself as a parent, that you learn to let go of your need and desire to fix, make better and 'cure' your daughter's mental and emotional issues. The purpose of any addiction is to keep one away from her feelings.  Whatever is going on for your daughter that she believes she needs to drink rather than deal with her issues, is where she is right now.  Counseling, therapy, AA is only helpful if she is ready to receive the help and guidance.  Trust me, shelters are not 4star hotels and while most residents may be grateful for a roof and a meal, it's not  a place to aspire to, and it's not a lifestyle that anyone has ever reported as a safe haven as I'm sure your home was.

If you were able to let your daughter go, then you are taking loving, respectful and compassionate care of yourself.  It is your mental and emotional health that is important for you to take care of, and I do hope that you are receiving good support and counseling. You might also want to explore Al-Anon meetings in your area (if you haven't done so already) to give you the additional support in dealing with a child who is an alcoholic.  I respect your concern, and want you to know that everyone's rock-bottom is different, and I hope that you find some peace in your life, and that your daughter will connect to her inner worth and see the truth that she really can heal her life and live 'being well within'. Please feel free to contact me if you have any additional concerns or questions.  I wish you all the best and continued inner strength in dealing with your daughter.

Question: How concerned should I be by the issue of alcohol in breast milk. I don’t know how much of it is passed through the milk to the baby, but I share a house with a young family and I have seen her have a bunch of drinks and breast feed on like a bunch of occasions. I asked her if it was OK to be doing this and she said it didn’t harm the baby but I think she may be wrong on this. What should I do here? Should I call social services on her? She seems like a pretty good mom in most regards but the drinking and feeding just weirds me out and if she does that in front of me, what is she doing when no one can see what she is up to.

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

Your concerns are legitimate.  You are in a somewhat delicate situation but your best move might be to print off a couple of articles about breast feeding and alcohol consumption and give them to this mom.  Make no assumptions about other behavior when out of your sight, and just work with what you see.  You can express your concerns with compassion and without judgment.  If your are rebuffed or you notice that nothing changes, then I would advise a call to social services.  This is not about judging the mother, just looking to protect the baby and the baby does need protection from a mother who is nursing and drinking. 

Here are a couple of links to articles that you might share with this mother:

http://www.babycenter.com/0_alcohol-and-nursing-moms_3547.bc

http://kellymom.com/health/lifestyle/alcohol.html

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/breast-feeding-and-alcohol/AN02131

I wish you the best of luck and thank you for your concern about this baby and mother.

Question: My neighbor likes to sit around, in his boxers mostly and drink beer and liquor from about 10 in the morning until he gets loud in the evening and then passes out by night time. It’s a schedule you can pretty much set your watch to and since he’s on disability (who knows what for because he seems fine to me) he’s got all day every day to do this. I have 2 young kids who like to ride their bikes and skateboards around the neighborhood. The problem is this guy thinks nothing of hopping in his truck no matter how drunk he is and it makes me terrified for the safety of my children and for everyone else in the neighborhood. I have told them to be on the lookout for him and to get off their bikes and head to the curb if they see him coming, but who knows if this will be enough. I have tried asking him directly to be more careful with his drinking and driving but my efforts were not well received and we do not have a very civilized relationship at this point. I have called the police him but they say that unless they catch him while driving drunk, there is little they can do in advance. They have asked me to call when he goes out while drunk, and I have, but so far that has not resulted in anything happening. Do we all have to wait here until he kills some kid before we can do something? Is there anyone I can call to get this guy taken off the streets?

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

I am so sorry for what you have to deal with to keep your children safe... A couple questions to consider:

1. Does he live alone?
   
2. Is he a senior citizen (over 55y/o)? 
   

If your answer to these 2 questions is yes, then you can make a call to your county (I don't know where you live) Adult Protective Services agency.  They can send out a team to evaluate him as to his being a "potential" (my quotes, since he already sounds like he's gone beyond potential) risk to himself or someone else.  They can then provide services, or mandate services that could be beneficial all around.  Even if he is not a senior, you might consider contacting this community agency for other recommendations and services that might be available in your community.

If this man does not live alone, and you do not have a relationship with whomever he lives with, then you can still make the call anonymously, and indicate your concern for the health and well-being of the man himself and whoever else is in the home.  Since you are describing very destructive behaviors, your neighbor probably needs a mental health evaluation at the very least. 

You might also contact your county Bar Association. You can get the name of an attorney who specializes in community issues and speak with him/her about what your rights are as a member of this community and what legally can be done.

I hope that this helps.

Question: My girlfriend has an abundant supply of Adderall that she never completely uses and she’s willing to share with those of us that need a boost, so last year at school I was taking it a few times a month (and more often than in periods near exams) not to get high, but as a study aid. I am not very into intoxicants in general. I very rarely smoke marijuana and drink socially only a couple of times a month. I can see that some in my circle of friends are letting partying interfere with their success at school but I am all about doing well here and am not going to let that happen to me. Because I am not the kind of person that lies to get all wasted every weekend, I do not think I am very likely to develop a problem with using stimulants as a study aid. I am aware that these medications can be addictive, but I feel that as long as I use them responsibly, the risk to me is low. And when compared with the benefits of long and focused study sessions, these risks are worth taking. Is my assessment accurate? If I do not use stimulants to get high but only as an aid to studying and if I do not use them every day but only a few times a month, am I putting myself in any real danger of developing an addiction?

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

Your question is a really good one.  While you sound responsible and
aware of the risks of using a medication that is not prescribed for you, 
I understand the draw.  In good conscience, however, I cannot recommend
that you continue this pattern.  It is not a good idea, and not only can
you get into trouble medically, your girlfriend and her doctor can get into
trouble legally and ethically.   
Medications always have side effects, so even if you do not become addicted,  you are not being monitored for any of the
side effects.  The side effects can prove to be pretty intense, too. 
Adderall is basically speed. That is why you feel  more up, focused and
alert when taking the drug. 

You do have other choices to aid in your studying other than taking a
medication that is not yours. 

If you really feel that you have trouble concentrating and focusing that is
NOT related to late nights and poor sleep, then you can go to your family
doctor and discuss what happens to you prior to exams... Is it anxiety,
tension, worry, etc?  What is your history in school around taking tests?  
Talking with a therapist about test anxiety could prove to be very
helpful.  Have you always struggled at test times? 

You can also look into NEUROFEEDBACK... it is not a drug, and it is not a
quick fix, but it is incredibly powerful at helping people gain focus,
concentration, reduce anxiety and sleep better.  The benefits are also
long lasting and have no negative side effects.  It may also be covered by
your health insurance, so you could do the neurofeedback sessions throughout
the course of your semester and by the time finals come around you'll see that
you do not need to use any medication at all... and that the medication won't
do for you in the short term what neurofeedback and counseling can do for you
in the long term of school and your life. 

I hope that this answer is helpful to you. 
I wish you a successful academic year… and confidence in yourself in all
you do.