Question: Should I teach my daughter how to drink responsibly? She is 16. Last night she was sleeping over at her best friend’s house when her friend’s mom called us up after midnight and aid the girls had come home drunk from some party they snuck out to. I am thinking about teaching her to how to handle 2 or 3 drinks so she can get used to how that feels like in a safe environment. I would strongly advice her not to drink more than this amount ever. Good idea or not? I wish I could just make not drink at all but I just don’t think this is a practical plan.

Jill Edwards Says...:

Should I teach my daughter how to drink responsibly? She is 16. Last night she was sleeping over at her best friend’s house when her friend’s mom called us up after midnight and aid the girls had come home drunk from some party they snuck out to. I am thinking about teaching her to how to handle 2 or 3 drinks so she can get used to how that feels like in a safe environment. I would strongly advice her not to drink more than this amount ever. Good idea or not? I wish I could just make not drink at all but I just don’t think this is a practical plan.

I tend to see this in the bigger context of how we teach younger people to be safe in social situations. We need to be clear that drinking puts anyone at greater risk of making poor decisions. In this context, the more we drink, the greater the risk. So how much we drink, helps to keep us less at risk of getting involved with unsafe sex, unsafe people, agreeing to unsafe activities, getting involved in fights and so on. So there is something to be learned about supporting each other when groups go out to drink, so as to avoid eding up in a police cell.

I tend to question the idea that you can teach people to get used to taking 2 or three drinks. The damage that alcohol can do to brain functioning happens whatever people think. It is useful thought to teach people some clear rules about safety, so that these might remain in place, whatever the circumstances. So again it is a general safety education which will support your daughter. As part of this education, they need to know that alcohol is an addictive substance. Taken regularly, in quantity, a person will find that more of it is required in order to get the drunken feeling and if they continue, a time will come when they will have symptoms of withdrawal and their lives will be really damaged by addiction to alcohol. This pattern is more common than is understood. 15% or 1 in 7 drinkers will find themselves dependent at some time in their life, and this includes women as well as men., children

You are right that young people are likely to explore the use of alcohol as well as many experiences. We all have to help them to do this as safely as possible, and much of this is around education and safety. It is also true that you may not like to have your daughter coming home drunk and you are entitled to express your displeasure and to let them know that drunk people do not make a good impression on anyone.

Finally, you can help your daughter by not at any time drinking to excess yourselves. Young people learn more and give greater respect to example than to words. My best wishes to you all. Jill Edwards

Question: My 20 year old daughter's husband is an alcoholic and a drug addict. I don't know what exactly he takes but whatever it is is it makes him very unstable. He goes through periods of months when he is Ok and is a likable fellow but then he'll do a 180 and get into using and he gets mean and he beats her. she won't exactly admit that he does but she won't deny it either and the evidence is tragically plain for all to see. We have seen him high enough times to have little doubt about his situation. She won't leave him even though I tell her he will never change. Once a wife beater always a wife beater. How do I convince her to see that this situation is never going to get better. Every time she leaves him he begs her to come back and they reconcile and then the pattern repeats all over again. It's tearing our family apart to watch this and feel powerless to do anything about it. How can I get her to understand that this guy is a junky and he is never going to stop abusing her?

Jill Edwards Says...:

Your daughter believes that by helping her husband, she can make him better and cure him of his illness. As you said there is a cycle in which they will separate and then come together her partner fees guilt for his behaviour and hope that he can get better and wants to have a partner back. Those times when they come back together are really nice for your daughter. He is good to her and they feel close. Then the problems start back, just little by little until he will go off and take drugs and in his disappointment, he will go back to hitting her and she will withdraw. You did not tell me whether there are children involved. If they are then you can take action to get the Social Services involved but you would do better doing this with your daughter's involvement in the process.

You could suggest that your daughter consult the nearest domestic violence agency and get some ongoing support from them. It is a matter of re-educating her and getting her confidence back so she can feel able to take some different actions. She is not in an easy position when there is someone who is having to control her in order to carry on with his drug habit.

For yourselves, I would suggest that you start meeting with either Families Anonymous (drugs) or Al-Anon. These are twelve step programmes which help you to bear the pain of living with this addiction and how it is affecting you. You will get support and learn new ways of dealing with the issues involved. It is inspiring to listen to the way people have learnt effective ways of getting their lives back on track and helped their loved ones in ways they had not realised before. The Families Anonymous help line is on 0845 1200 660.

Take care and good wishes. You are in for the long haul. Jill Edwards. You can contact me at mrsjilledwards@gmail.com and see my website at www.invitationtotalk.co.uk