Question: I want to know how people in the addiction treatment industry can sleep at night when they have no problem ruining normal people’s lives while they go home to some rich gated community to sleep at night. What are you supposed to do when the house next door gets sold and instead of a normal family moving in someone opens up a for profit sober living house where the residents get no supervision and it turns into a loud party all the time with dodgy characters driving in and out all day dealing drugs. Things have started going missing from the neighborhood and there have been break in where there were not any before. It is obvious what the source is but the police say they are powerless to do anything about this and they act annoyed that people would even call them up. I have small children and now I am scared to let them play in their own front yard. We are prisoners in our own house! I would not mind if the people in this sober living house were sober but this is a nightmare. How is this right or respecting my rights?

Anna Deeds Says...:

Thank you for your question. I understand your frustration and anger over that situation. I wouldn't want a poorly run sober living house to be my neighbor either. But a well run sober living house is an asset to the community. It doesn't sound like the sober living house next to you is being run properly. I would try contacting whoever is managing the house. If that does nothing to resolve the situation, contact the the owner or owners of the sober living house. There is a chance they don't realize it isn't being managed properly. If they hired a manager who isn't doing their job, that could be the problem. A good sober living house does drug testing as a part of their treatment. People should be referred to a higher level of care like rehab if they relapse. Sober living does mean everyone in the house is sober. That does not sound like the case in your situation.

I am not sure which state you are in and each state has different laws. The house may need to have a professional license to operate. If it is licensed by the state, you can report it to the state licensing agency. You may have a zoning dispute if they are not zoned to be in a residential neighborhood. If you cannot find a resolution, you may want to seek legal advice. I found this article on your legal rights with neighbor disputes. I hope this helps. Good luck with resolving the situation.

Question: If I know a small child is living with an alcoholic that is getting drunk every night while she is alone in the apartment as the only guardian should I call social services? She has the balcony across from mine and I can see her get falling down drunk every night. The little girl is about 6 and she is the granddaughter I think.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there and thank you for your question - your concern is really a matter of common sense and yes urge you t contact whether you are required to by law or not. Its clear that this weighs heavily on your mind and that you have a big heart. If you are feeling brave, I urge you to reach out directly to the woman. Not late in the evening when she is impaired but perhaps much earlier. You could mention that your vantage point view allows you to see things that cause you to be concerned for them both (nonjudgmental)

Good luck and blessed be!

Question: I was skinny as a smoker and I gained 20 pounds since I quit smoking exactly one year ago. I swear to God I am not eating any more than I was before so I guess the nicotine is what it was. Do the vapor smokeless cigarettes help people control weight or maybe I could just slap on a nicotine patch every week. I feel frustrated by my fatness and honestly I do not feel healthier now because I am so fat now.

Rebecca Ashton Says...:

Thank you for your question.

A 2011 study by researchers at Yale University found that nicotine activates a pathway in the brain that suppresses appetite which could explain why people gain weight when they give up smoking. As you say that you are eating no more than before though, I'm wondering if perhaps your diet itself might have changed?

The problem with e-cigarettes is that it is a case of switching, rather than quitting altogether, and of course, because they're relatively new, the long term effects of using cigarettes is currently unknown.

As I am unable to give medical advice, my suggestion would be to see your doctor regarding your concerns, and in the meantime ensure that you are eating a balanced diet and getting enough exercise.

I hope that this helps.

Question: This is a question about healing our sick society – our mentally ill society I would say. If American were a person she’d need therapy. Is there something toxic about collective self righteousness and outrage? I am so sick of listening to talk radio or news shows with my co-workers. We use morality judgments to feel superior to people with a different point of view. How do you fight against neat and tidy arguments that sound very correct and play into our baser impulses but do not represent the complicated, uncertain and messy reality? I feel like this media-driven poison is responsible for a lot of the hate in our society. We are in a hate spiral that is getting worse and worse and it is going to destroy us. How can we stop this at the level of society?

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

I hear and feel your frustration! Yes, we live in a very fear-based environment, and the media does promote it. While I would love to say that we could cure this problem on a societal lever, I do not really believe that is possible because we do have Freedom of Speech laws. However, we can prevent the spread of this problem by individually choosing NOT to participate in such discussions. The same way we let people know our like, dislikes and tastes in general in terms of topics of conversation we will or will not tolerate, we can do the same on these issues of fear and hate mongering that is brought to the forefront by various media/talk show personalities.

I believe that it is important that each person find his/her own voice in these moments to speak up and state an opinion that counters the fear and hate. Often times people do not speak up for fear of being ridiculed or bullied in some way because of a different opinion. Remember the saying that 'the sure way for hate to thrive is for good men to do nothing...'  I believe that all societal changes begin at a grass roots level... We have to be willing to stand up for what we believe is good, respectful, compassionate and loving.  This may be an easy message to live with, but it is not often a message that sells and gets energy flowing and advertising dollars as well.

You raise a valid concern and I would recommend that you start locally. You can write letters to the editors of newspapers... write a different kind of blog post... search out blog posts that promote 'loving kindness' good mental health, positive life choices, etc. and support them by sharing these messages on social media with friends, etc. When you are doing something that brings about a positive change you feel more empowered. You may not be able to change your co-workers' opinions and you may not be able to stop the fear mongering media channels, but you do not have to feel beaten down by them either. You can bring your own voice and message to the fray and focus on the good you can do to help heal the toxic messages that bombard you. 

This is how change happens and there are voices out there in the media, politics, society and work places that do share your concerns and are doing what they can to counter the fear and hate. Be willing to simply share your thoughts and feelings, NOT looking to change anyone else, simply offering a different perspective. Remember that while you may heartily disagree with what is being said and promoted, you need to accept that those are their thoughts and beliefs. Voltaire said: "I do not have to agree with what you said, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it".

I get that it is hurtful, painful and even at times downright infuriating to hear what people say or agree with, and we'd like to make them stop. Rather than putting your energy to trying to control "them" focus your energy on what you need or can do at any given moment to take care of yourself to keep yourself feeling hopeful, positive, loving and respectful to you yourself and your beliefs. It's not about right and wrong, it's about each person's beliefs.  When it is a personal conversation, you can ask the person if he/she would like to hear your take on the issue. They may say no, in which case you get to walk away.  You also do not have to listen to what you find painful or distasteful. If the person says yes, then you get to share your thoughts and ideas on an issue. Remember, your goal is NOT to change their mind...that is up to them... you goal is simply to be able to speak up and be heard....

I hope that this is helpful. Please reach out if you need additional support and guidance in bringing about good health to our world.  I do believe that this can happen if people share the good messages and not just the fear based ones.

Question: I have no insurance no money and spent 50,000 dollars in the last 90 days on crack and other drugs/alcohol. I have not slept in 6 days and i have been looking for help the last 3 days. Nobody seems to want to help me and I cant get help locally. I really need to find a rehab/treatment center soon. i am suicidal and the only reason i haven't pulled the trigger is i have young children that need there dad. Please advise me as to what i can do?

John Lee Says...:

You need to talk to a real person right now. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 800 273 8255 to talk to a counselor in your
area about how to get some help right away. You can also go to any hospital
emergency room and tell then you're feeling suicidal and they will help you. If
you can't get to an ER or if you need assistance with this, you can call 911,
tell them you are feeling suicidal and they will bring you to the ER where they
will help you. 

By getting into contact with people who can help you, such as at the ER, you
may also gain access to substance abuse programs that you aren't aware of at
the moment.

Please take care of your emergency needs first. Right now.

Question: If the war on drugs is systematically punitive toward minorities, by like a 10 to 1 ratio, how can these policies stand on moral grounds? Do we need a new figure, like a Martin Luther King Jr. to hold a mirror up and force policy makers to acknowledge the devastation that election-grabbing policies have wrought? In general, do people in the addiction treatment field support drug-war policies? In general, would people in the addiction treatment field support an end to prohibition of all drugs?

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Wow - great question and you're making some strong points. Short answer - you ask how can existing policies stand on moral grounds and to be perfectly candid with you, I find many of the policies and the application of them to be immoral - but also entirely ineffective.

No one to my knowledge has done anything MEANINGFULLY to survey the beliefs and values of addictions counselors. I don't know that anyone can say what we do or do not support as a group. What comes to mind is you're asking a medic what their thoughts on war are. The best of us are in the trenches fighting a disease that kills and that disease continues to flourish independent of public policy.

You're asking an all of nothing question which makes things problematic. I certainly agree existing policies discriminate against minorities. I certainly see an argument for legalizing marijuana. I'm more concerned with the unavailability of treatment for those in need. I encourage you to narrow the scope and put your efforts into one issue at a time. God luck and pursue your passions.

Question: I am wondering if The Mass Rehabilitation Commission assists recovering alcoholics with finding a job or computer training.

John Lee Says...:

I took a look at their website, specifically their service
authorization determination criteria, and it seems that in order to be eligible
for services you'd need to have a primary mental health disorder (other than
substance abuse) or other disability as well being in recovery in order to
receive services.

Their website is not totally clear, though, so I'd definitely recommend calling
up your local DMH site office to ask that question more directly. Here's a link
to a contact page that's listed by city - town - county.
http://www.mass.gov/eohhs/provider/guidelines-resources/clinical-treatment/mental-health/dmh-offices/alphabetic-index.html 
Good luck,

Question: What does it mean if I have no motivation or drive to achieve anything? All my friends are out trying to start their real lives and I just can’t find the energy to play the game and do it. To get a job would mean running around playing the game and sitting through tedious interviews pretending to want something I really don’t. I am not depressed…I just don’t care. I am now working full time at a gas station and I kind of like it because there’s no pretension or BS. I am trying to pretend that I do care, especially for my parents who I think would like to see me making a bit more of an effort, but it really all seems so pointless. Is there something wrong with me to not care about getting ahead? I feel like since I went to college I am supposed to try to get a ‘good job’.

Raffi Bilek Says...:

Sorry, I thought I had replied to this already but it seems the reply didn't go through.

Basically, it depends on whether you are happy and functional. That is to say, if you like your life and don't feel the need to shoot for more, maybe there's no reason to. However, if you're happy with your life because you are not in touch with reality - e.g., you can't really pay your bills but you don't really care - then yes, you probably have a problem on your hands.

Generally people are happy when they are using their skills and talents. If you are a bright guy working at a gas station for a living, it may be hard to believe that you're really happy. But if you feel you are using yourself to the best of your ability, I don't see why it should matter what your parents want or what your friends are doing.

Question: Hello, I have had some problems with impulse control since growing up as in when I didn't get my way at home, I slammed doors, I am 39 now and in rage have run away from home 3 times in the last yr only to return feeling confused about my own behaviour; now before you say I should be living on my own at almost 40, I have, a couple of times, but after a breakup of an engagment (I impusively would lose it on him but I knew he wasn't the one and probably impulsively got into the relationship, though I did want marriage, I impulsivly picked him based on a comment of someone saying ok it's time, just do it); I want to be a 100% responsbile for my reactions/and respond to situations, not react, as it has cost me jobs, relationships, and almost turning 40 now, I had a breakdown when I ran from home on one occasion where my mother's comment that I wasn't listening to her when I was just trying to cook something to feel better after being laid off from my job and also after breakup of a relationship, had left me low; I felt so insulted by her comment that I am almost 40 and don't listen, that I insulted her, ran to my room and was throwing a chair at my bed and screaming and swearing; thankfully no one but the workers working on renos I don't know heard, however, since then my confidence/self-esteem has recovered somewhat but a deep sadness is still there, as I don't know how I can trust myself in any situation, if I have to be worried about my own reactions; something that has also been reflected to me in relatinships with men, who have said they don't know even after they find me amazing and loving and a great catch, they don't know if they can talk to me without me intterupting, breaking up with them over and over (out of fear of being hurt is probably y I do it,but i realize this is not fair and hurts them, even if justified, it can be done in a rational thought out manner); Please help I want to get a handle on this. I am generally very loving, caring and emotional, into art and admired by people; but when life failures or big events that are negative happen and I feel repeated disappointed wt a job or relationship is when I lose it, or when I am afraid in a relationship with a man mainly. Other than that, I am completely calm, meditate daily and am more than fine, now with mediations, things like my impulsive speeding when driving and my impulsive dating one man after another (without getting too close physically, though emotionally still draining as I have tried hard to be engaged/married again but feel stuck), dating and driving much better with meditation; since I was a teenager they put me on mild antidepressants/anti anxiety but no offense they did nothing to help me permanently; the mediation is what helps in a real way, but still the temper loss I had with throwing a chair at my bed and hitting my bed scared me. Please let me know what are healthy ways to express anger/redirect the energy so when major negative events happen, easier to deal with. for example I had such a positive attitude after being laid off as I hated my job and although I was shocked for 10 minutes, I was singing on the way home, feeling free, but I didn't tell anyone I told evone I quit. then the breakup happened with someone I thought I might marry and my mother's reaction which was not that bad but treating me like a 2 year old made me lose it bad. I want to trust myself again, I want to know that I will never have impulsive issues; as even impulsive comments online, once got me into big trouble a few years back, and now on facebook, affected my relationship with my sister in a very unnecessary -ve way, just because i didn't feel good that day and was stressed and posted something stupidly. Read more: How Can I Learn Not To React So Angrily?

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

I read and reread what you wrote several times. I noticed that you made no mention of seekiing professional help. Given the anger problems that you have and issues of impulse control I would strongly suggest that you seek out a therapist who is psychodynamiically/psychoanalytically oriented. Only this kind of therapy wiill help. You may want to go to my website and click on PSYCHODYNAMIC/PSYCHOANALYTIC TREATMENT and read what I wrote about this kind of treatment.

www.newyorkcitytherapists.net. You will have a good idea then of what this treatment is about. If you let me know your zip code/postal code I'd be glad to help you find someone with the right kind of training.

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Question: At what age is it ok for children to drink energy drinks. My next door neighbor lets her kids drink redbulls all day. They are about 8 and 10 or so. Two boys. They are totally crazy all day and then every night they have these melt downs as their dad yells at them to go to sleep for like an hour. I sit out on my porch and I watch them have many cans. The parents just seem to want to watch TV and just let the kids do whatever they want to. To me this is just insane. I mentioned it sort of joking like to my neighbor and he got really offended and told me to mind my own business. I want to know if this qualifies as abuse? Kids shouldn’t be so hyper caffeinated all the time should they?

Mark Hughes Says...:

As with so many things there is no age, no amount etc that we can say is ok. Most parents will have opinions on what is appropriate, but none of us gets everything right with our children, and it isn't surprising that your neighbor might be offended by your suggestion, even though well intentioned.

I can't say there is anything "wrong" with what your neighbor is doing, not because I think it is ok to give kids red bull, but because it isn't that simple. When I talk of abuse, I usually mean something that is pretty black and white. It may well be that he doesn't realise the effect that red bull is having, and that what you see is something he could do better if he did understand this. However, you may have to accept that you can't help in this instance.

You haven't said if or how this is affecting you and why you are so concerned by it, so as well as considering your neighbors and their children, you may find it helpful to consider yourself too.