Question: Watching pornographic movies makes me feel more aggressive. I watch a lot of porn every day. Sometimes I even get in fights after watching a lot of porn. Is this normal?

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

It is important that you are realizing that you have a problem and, at least, wanting to address this problem. I don't know if you are willing to go for treatment. There is treatment for this and may involve taking some medication. It has been found that treating internet porn addiction is similar to treating OCD--- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

You could go to a mental health counselor who works with addictions, but you might feel more comfortable using the wise counsel of a good book on the subject. There is a book that will be an excellent tool to help you. You should use the book to follow the methods described there.You must faithfully practice what it says in this book. It is difficult to break any addiction, and pornography is a drug. Use the guide book and your strength to follow the methods portrayed in the book and, with persistence and perhaps a few tumbles off the wagon, you will reach your goal.

"The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography" by Wendy Maltz and Larry Maltz

I am also sending you a link with information on this, as well as, a quiz that you could take that you could self score and provide you with a reliable indication of what level of addiction you have.

I will also provide treatment protocol.

http://psychcentral.com/sexquiz.htm

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/treatment-for-sexual-addiction/

I want to say that it is difficult to break any addiction, and pornography, as I have said, is like a drug.

The following video seriesare shown in some marriage and family classes, called "A Drug Called Pornography". It is broken down into seven short segments, if you would like to watch it. It is listed below.

1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALeRKvxrJjs

2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Q7PEDlbVXo=related

3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkFF2VdXEhs=related

4 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LkKx0irYPs=related

5 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ccG43znpOU=related

6 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWWFx_dy6QI=related

7 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcQjA2Rt0e8=related

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Question: My husband was at a party on the weekend and he got drunk and he grabbed the hostesses breasts when they were alone in the kitchen together. It was a terrible scene and probably the end of a friendship. This s not the first time that he has done something like this but every time it happens he is drunk and then he just denies responsibility for it the next day and acts very sorry about what he did. I would like to understand why he does this and if being drunk means he really cannot control his actions. Does he have some sort of sexual compulsive disease or something like this. He is a really sweet guy almost all of the time so this is really not in his normal character, otherwise I'd certainly not be sticking around to find out why he keeps putting me in this situation.

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I cannot say that this is a sexually compulsive disease but one can certainly say that your husband cannot control himself when he is drinking. This is more of an alcoholic problem. It seems to me that he needs to get help with his alcoholism. This is not merely drinking too much but being totally out of control when under the influence of alcohol. So getting help would be not only about his drinking but helping him get in touch with how out of control his behaviour becomes when under the influence of alcohol. So to repeat he not only needs to not drink in excess but he needs to start becoming aware of his inappropriate behaviour that could get him into serious trouble.

Question: Is what is labeled sex addiction in a large percentage of cases simply an attempt by the medical establishment to further pathologize normal human behaviors for fun and profit? I believe in open relationships and I do not believe in monogamy and I do not believe that men are designed for monogamy from an evolutionary perspective. I have always enjoyed open relationships and now my partner seeks to close what was happily open and our 'therapist' tries to paint me with a sickness label that I do not have. I will have sex with 1 or more new partners per week on average. I enjoy this and I am not deceptive about what I do nor has my behavior escalated over the last 20 years. I am just a man doing what feels good, and that is having as much sex as I can without hurting anyone. Does that sound like sex addiction to anyone?

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

It's not a matter in your case of whether it is sex addiction or not. Let's back up here. From what I understand you are in a relationship and you have been seeing a couples therapist. If you are comfortable with having sex with  one or more partners per week then you shouldn't be in a relationship with a woman who is not accepting of this. It is not my place to judge you on your sexual behaviour. However, it is important that if this sexual behaviour is what you prefer then you should choose to be in a relationship with someone who is accepting of an open relationship. Clearly, your present partner is not. That is where the problem is. So, you need to ask yourself what is important to you. Having an open sexual relationship and therefore choosing a partner who is accepting of this or staying with your present partner and dealing with the sexual encounters with other women that your partner does not approve of. So it does not seem that you are having as much sex as you can without it hurting your partner. Hey, if it doesn't hurt your partner then go for it. It's your choice.

Question: I have probably cheated on my wife 75 or more times. Every time I do it I feel awful and I regret it. I still regret every single girl and if I could take them all back I would. I do not mean to cheat but once I get an itch I forget how terrible I feel after the sex and I just have to have the conquest. I am trying to understand why I do this and I am reading about sex addiction and how one indicator of sex addiction is losing control over your sexual behaviors. I cheated last night and I feel like crap right now. Does what I described sound like losing control? I am not sure myself because I am always the one making the decisions that start me down the road to cheating. When I am away for work and I go down to the bar I know how it’s probably going to end and I choose to go but then once things get set in motion there’s no way I can stop myself. Does what I have described sound like a person with sex addiction or just a person with low morals?

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

Yes, what you have described is a sexual addiction.

Sexual addiction means "Compulsive sexual behaviour." Compulsive sexual
behaviour may include acceptable sexual acts. These behaviours become
problems when they become "an obsession" that's disruptive or harmful to
you or others. So yes, it is destructive to your marriage. You are showing signs that you are struggling with compulsive sexual behaviour.

Some signs of Sexual Addiction include:

• Sexual impulses are intense and you feel as if they're beyond your control.
• You may also use compulsive sexual behaviour as an escape from other problems, such as loneliness, depression, anxiety or stress.
• Another sign is you continue to do risky sexual behaviours despite serious consequences, such
  as the potential for getting or giving someone else a sexually
  transmitted infection, the loss of important relationships (your
  marriage), trouble at work, or legal problems.
• Another sign may be for some people that they have trouble establishing and maintaining emotional closeness, even if they are married or in a committed relationship.

You may need to get help if you feel like you have lost control of your sexual behaviour, especially if you can't stop it now.

Compulsive sexual behaviour may become more intense and difficult to control over time, so getting help to deal with this problem is very important.

So you may ask yourself whether to seek professional help. Here are reasons why someone would:

• Can I control my sexual impulses?
• Is
  my sexual behaviour hurting my relationships, affecting my work or
  resulting in other negative consequences?
• Is sex constantly on my mind, even when I don't want to think about it?
• Do I try to hide my sexual behaviour?

Here are some web sites that you might like to take a look at:

www.sauk.org

www.privatehealth.co.uk/hospitaltreatment/find-a-treatment/sexual-health/sex-addiction/

I would be glad to help you find a therapist if you give me your city, state and zip code.

Please let me know if you have more questions or I have overlooked any.

Warm regards,

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Question: Is there anything wrong with voyeurism? My new neighbors do not close their blinds at night and they are very sexually active. I noticed it one night when I went downstairs for some water and I could see everything across the way. Now I am sneaking out of bed at night and looking across with binoculars almost every night for hours at a time. I find it exciting but I am not sure if I am doing something wrong or if this is going to lead to something worse. I feel quite guilty about it afterward.

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

I wouldn't exactly say that this was normal but then again, don't be so hard on yourself. Let's put it this way: Most people who saw what you did would look. However, most would not get up in the middle of the night to watch. It possibly could lead to something worse. Perhaps since they don't close their blinds, you could close yours.

So: Don't get yourself up in the middle of the night to watch.

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Question: My boyfriend says he is a sex addict. From what I understand there is no real proof that such a thing really exists or not. Is sex addiction a real thing? Are there research studies that prove that it really exists or is it just something that cheaters can use as a convenient excuse for dog like behavior?

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

Yes, sex addiction does exist. That doesn't mean that it should excuse his cheating behaviour. It does mean that he needs help with this sexual addiction.

Sexual addiction means "Compulsive sexual behavior." Compulsive sexual
behavior may include acceptable sexual acts. These behaviors become
problems when they become "an obsession" that's disruptive or harmful to
you or others.

Some signs that he may be struggling with compulsive sexual behaviour include:

• His sexual impulses are intense and feel as if they're beyond his control.
• He uses compulsive sexual behavior as an escape from other problems, such as loneliness, depression, anxiety or stress.
• He
  continues to do risky sexual behaviours despite serious consequences, such
  as the potential for getting or giving someone else a sexually
  transmitted infection, the loss of important relationships, trouble at work, or legal problems.
• He has trouble establishing and maintaining emotional closeness, even if he is  in a committed relationship.

He may need to get help if he feels like he's lost control of his sexual behaviour, especially if he can't stop it now.

Compulsive sexual behavior may become more intense and difficult to control over time, 

He should ask himself if he does decide whether to seek professional help:

• Can I control my sexual impulses?
• Is
  my sexual behaviour hurting my relationship, affecting my work or
  resulting in negative consequences, such as getting arrested?
• Is sex constantly on my mind, even when I don't want to think about it?
• Do I try to hide my sexual behaviour?

He should get help from a psychologist/psychotherapist or both of you see a couples therapist. 

If you still love him, you may give him another chance to fix his problem and work through this with you via psychotherapy.

Please let me know if you have more questions.

You may want to look at these links:

• http://www.sauk.org/
• http://www.privatehealth.co.uk/hospitaltreatment/find-a-treatment/sexual-health/sex-addiction/

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Question: Can you be a sex addict if you don’t have sex? I go to strip clubs every night and I get lap dances but I never take any of the girls home even though I could. I don’t think I have a problem because I never take any of the girls out and it is very possible to do this. But I am a bit worried because sometimes I decide not to go a club some night and then I find it really hard to stop myself from going. The only reason I ever don’t want to go is because sometimes I have money problems from my strip club visits every night. Actually I owe a lot of money around but I can’t pay anyone back because I am always spending more than I am making in the clubs. So is it possible to be addicted to going to strip clubs?

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

I don't know if you are willing to go for treatment or at
least address this problem. The fact that you are bringing your question here is a positive sign.  I want to say that it is difficult to break any addiction and
pornography is like a drug. There is treatment for this and may involve
taking some medication. It has been found that treating porn
addiction is similar to treating OCD--- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I am going to give you information on this as well as a quiz that you could take that you can self score and provide a reliable
indication of what level of addiction you have.

http://psychcentral.com/sexquiz.htm

I will also provide treatment protocol.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/treatment-for-sexual-addiction/

I want to say that it is difficult to break any addiction, and
pornography, as I have said  is like a drug and it is difficult to break any addiction . You could go to a mental health counselor who
works with addictions, but you might feel more comfortable starting off
with a book on the subject. This book has been very helpful to
others. If you find that the book is not helpful then you should definitely consider therapy.

The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography by Wendy Maltz and Larry Maltz.

It is important that you realize that you have a problem. You should use
the book to follow the methods described there.You must faithfully
practice what it says in this book.

Question: I am 23 and I have had over 140 sexual partners since I began having sex at the age of 15. I have never had a serious relationship but I am attractive and I have never had a problem finding guys for one night stands. I do have a problem making close friends, in fact the only real friends I have these days are the friends with benefits type and I’m not sure how sincerely these guys are really interested in me, once the sex is removed. I am feeling kind of depressed about my life right now. I am wondering if I have a problem with sex. It makes me good before and during but then after I feel kind of low. I realize that I have slept with a lot more guys than the average person. I never thought that this was a big deal but now I am wondering if I have a problem. Maybe this is connected to the reason why I have a hard time with close relationships. I am worried that I have a sex addiction. How can I know if the way is normal or not?

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

I am very sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I do want to steer you in the right direction so that you may get the help you need. Of course, having sex makes you feel better. It's something that makes everyone feel better ( if they are normal). However, what we need to focus on is that all you are having is sex with no caring or loving or emotional intimacy. So it would be great to have sex as often as you do, but I would like to see you having sex with someone that you have emotional intimacy with, as well. You certainly, I wouldn't think, want to spend your life continuing along the path you are going in. Let me ask you --- have you ever explored this problem with anyone? You certainly can turn this around --- i.e., continuing to have sex BUT with somebody who cares about you --- not with somebody who is merely a f**k buddy. If you tell me your city, state and zip code, I will  find a therapist for you who will helpyou turn this problem around. You, of course, don't need to give me your address but just where you are so I can find someone near you. Also, let me know if you need someone at low cost or not or if you have insurance indicate what insurance you have.

I wish you well and await your response.

Dr. Shirley Schaye