Question: I have cheated on my wife many times in the past but an STD scare a few months ago convinced me that I need to change my ways. She has never caught me in my indiscretions. I have been working with my pastor in counseling sessions to try to improve myself and he says that my behaviors are driven by some sort of compulsion. He says I need to tell my wife what I’ve done or I will continue to repeat the mistakes of my past. I am worried that I will be causing her pain for no reason and putting my marriage, which I really want to save, in jeopardy for no good reason.

Rob Weiss Says...:

Question: I found that my husband has been participating in regular webcam sessions with performers that he pays to take their clothes off. I feel quite betrayed but he says that it’s totally meaningless, that I am overreacting and that it’s just a harmless outlet for him and that it is something that most guys do. I don’t know what to think but the fact that he was using a credit card that I didn’t even know about to pay for his thrills makes me wonder how much he is still not telling me. I feel like he has been cheating on me and it’s hard for me to even look at him across the dinner table anymore. Am I overreacting? But even if I am, how can I change the way I feel?

Rob Weiss Says...:

The digital era has changed the face of cheating. It has so changed the landscape of marriage, relationships, and infidelity that we have even created a site on this called ItsCheating.com because many people are confused about what constitutes infidelity.

The short answer to your question is yes, this is cheating.  I have a very basic definition of infidelity that should validate your feelings:

Infidelity is simply defined as the breaking of trust and the keeping of secrets in an intimate partnership.

There have been some studies that show online cheating does typically progress to real-world cheating. One study published in the journal Sexuality & Culture involved a survey of more than 5,100 people. Participants seemed to follow a pattern of behavior: sexting, then cybersex, then ultimately a real-life relationship outside of an intimate one.

Researchers summarized that when people get involved with sexting or online sexual relationships, this behavior seemed to predict that a cheating episode was likely to occur.

Your instincts are right on. If he is lying to you, has a secret credit card account, and laughing it off as insignificant there may be more you don’t know about.

You cannot change the way you feel. Your feelings are completely normal and valid. However, you may find support in meetings like those offered by S-Anon, which is a free program of recovery for those who have been affected by someone else’s sexual behavior. A program like this will help you to recognize that you did not cause the behavior and you are not the problem.

Question: I look at porn on the internet pretty much every day. I don’t have a girlfriend so it is my only way to get off at the moment. I don’t really have a problem with this, but I am a little worried about how the porn could affect me. For the last while, regular porn hasn’t really been very exciting to me. I am always heading towards sites that show more violent or humiliating and degrading pictures and movies. Sometimes the things that I watch make me feel a little disgusted with myself after the fact, but when I start looking at porn again the next time these are the kinds of sites I just seem to head back to time and time again. Do you think that this kind of porn can affect me in some way? I do find myself fantasizing in real life by putting women I know in the kinds of scenes I have been watching. But I know that I am a good person and I would never act like that really. How can I not be excited by what gets me excited? It seems like something I have no control over?

Rob Weiss Says...:

There are really two issues we need to address here:

1. your arousal pattern as it relates to the fetish itself (sadomasochism); and
   
2. your concern about how it makes you feel/how often you need to view it (have you developed an addiction).
   

To address the issue of compulsivity/addiction, take a week off from viewing the porn to see how you feel and how it affects you – if you can’t do it, there might be a porn addiction problem you need to address.

The other issue – the S&M– is just an arousal template/fetish – you can like that and not be addicted to porn.

In either case, you are concerned, and when you are concerned there is usual something to be concerned about.  I would suggest contacting a therapist to help you.  What type of therapist depends on what you identify as the real issue here.

First let’s talk about your arousal pattern. Some people have underlying arousal interests or feelings that pre-Internet might never have been discovered. Think of it this way: you might like Chinese food, but if you’d never been exposed to it you never would know you liked Chinese food.

Because of the depth and the breadth of the erotic material available online people are exposed to areas of sexuality they previously did not know would be arousing to them. You can find yourself interested in things you had not anticipated once you discover them on the Internet and find them pleasurable.

Some of these arousal patterns can be fetishistic or related to fetishes, and sadomasochism is considered to be a fetish.

While you state that it makes you feel disgusted, this is a moral judgment about your own arousal pattern. We don’t really know what sets these patterns, but in general, people evolve fetishes out of some life experience early in life, often unknown to them. The reality is that by the time you are in adult life, those things are set.  If you hadn’t been exposed to these types of images, you may not have ever realized it was part of your arousal pattern.

You ask how you can not be excited by what gets you excited. You can’t not be excited by what gets you excited – the genie is out of the bottle – your only option is to stop looking at it and reinforcing the reward.

Your arousal pattern is not inherently “wrong” unless you are talking about nonconsensual activities.  From a clinical standpoint, if it is consensual there isn’t anything wrong with it.  However, if you find these patterns go against your values and beliefs and it’s important you not pursue it in real life with real people, then stop looking at it.

Every time you masturbate to some form of erotica it’s reinforcing the arousal pattern.  The brain doesn’t know the difference between looking at porn and being with someone in terms of arousal.  The more you reward your brain with pleasure and orgasm around a particular thing, the more you are going to want to do it.

You need to ask yourself if you are aroused by non-sadomasochistic acts, and if you are, are you okay with dealing with the loss of the S&M aspect as part of your sexual life.

There are many people who embrace sadomasochism because it is exciting, and there are whole communities that willingly and openly (men and women) participate in this – so you do have choice. You can push this out of your life – no more looking at it and no more engaging in it; or you can keep looking at it and think about how it would be incorporated into your real sexual life.

If you keep looking at this is it going to escalate – the more you look at it the more it will escalate.

If you feel the issue is the fetish itself (you don’t want it to escalate) you should consider seeing a sex therapist - you can go to ASECT to find someone:  www.asect.net.

If you feel the issue is compulsive use of pornography (you can’t stop looking at it even though you feel ashamed and disgusted, and you think you might be addicted), then you should consider seeing a sexual addiction therapy – you can visit the SASH website to learn more and access a provider directory to find a therapist in your area: www.sash.net.

Question: How can I have a normal life in recovery from sex addiction when so many ‘normal’ things in life are triggers that can lead to my acting out? I am a 38 year old gay man and have been a sex addict for as long as I can remember, but only started calling what I am and how I act sex addiction about a year ago, after things became too painfully clear and with the help of some therapy. Anyway, I am currently trying to maintain celibacy as a stage of recovery. I hope to one day have an emotionally connected relationship but I don’t think I am quite there yet. I just can’t seem to resist temptation. My therapist told me that I should try to stay away from things that got me thinking about acting out, but how can I do that when things like smelling some guy’s cologne on the bus, or seeing a magazine ad for deodorant or heaven forbid, going to the gym can leave me compulsively fantasizing for hours, almost to the point that if I don’t act out on my fantasies I can’t even function normally at work, that’s how bad it is. So what do I do? I am trying so hard to get a handle on this, but at this point it seems like my two alternatives in life are either to become a total hermit and avoid any contact with humanity, or to continue on as I was, which wasn’t so hot either.

Rob Weiss Says...:

First, know that you are not alone in your struggle – we believe in the power of recovery and healing and have seen people do it – here are some thoughts about your specific situation.

First, you didn’t mention 12-step participation. People do better who are in involved in a daily observation and interaction with sexual recovery groups. Do you have a sponsor? 12-step work doesn’t guarantee success, but this is not the kind of disorder you can handle alone or just with the help of a therapist. You clearly need more.

Second, because of degree of obsessive thinking, has medication been discussed with your therapist? Many times, antidepressants such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) can serve the dual function of reducing sexual drive and obsession as well as reduce impulsive behavior (they help people to stop and think before acting).

Third, group treatment/therapy is the preferred method for any addiction treatment. Are you in any form of group therapy or can you find a therapy group specific to sexual addiction in your area?

If you have been extensively involved in 12-step work, have a sponsor, are in group therapy – basically all the above - and you’re still struggling, it might be time to consider a higher level of care. Perhaps there is trauma in your background or some other unresolved issues that require more intensive therapy in a residential treatment environment. 

Question: I just left my husband after finding some texts on his phone from another woman. He eventually confessed to cheating but I didn’t really need his confession as he has cheated on me so many times in the past I am beyond believing his lies anymore. He says he loves me and the other women don’t mean anything to him beyond sex and I think I do believe this. He says he thinks he’s got a sex addiction and that he is willing to go and get help for it if only I will come back to him. How can I know if he really has a sex addiction problem and that he’ll be able to get help and change?

Rob Weiss Says...:

It sounds as if you still have some investment in the relationship despite the fact that you left your husband. That investment may only go as far as wishing him to be well because you care about him – or it may extend to wanting to be back with him if he does change his behavior and commit to getting well. In either case, he needs to be seeing a qualified professional to get at the root of his chronic infidelity.

We recommend you not move back in with him until he has shown a commitment to treatment.  A loving human being is not a carrot or stick for recovery – if he wants to get well he will seek out help without making it contingent upon you going back to him, then he will invite you in to see the work he’s been doing.

You should ask to sit in on some of those sessions once he’s gotten started so you can get some direction on whether it might make sense to get involved in couples work or betrayed spouses support group.

For the first few months it is best not to meet with him outside a therapeutic setting as you may be too vulnerable and he may be manipulating you.

There are some underlying questions you seem to be asking – is this really a problem or is my husband just a bad person? Can I actually hope for a committed relationship or is he always just going to hurt me?

I would say to you that love is behavior, not words. It’s actions. So if you perceive him growing and changing and committed to a path that involves therapy and 12-step meetings for at least a year or more, if his behavior tells you he is trying to get well, then it’s likely he will come around.

Just as a heroin addict steals, lies, and cheats in pursuit of heroin, but in recovery will be a loving family member, so does the active sex addict lie and hurt their loved ones, but in recovery can be what you always hoped they would be.

However, you may also find out he isn’t someone who can commit to changing his behavior and following through on his commitment to healing.  Either way, by insisting upon professional treatment by someone specifically qualified to treat sex addiction, you will have the information you need. If he goes willingly and actively participates that tells you one thing. If he complains, whines, and dismisses the value of treatment and 12-step support, that tells you quite another.

I suggest you visit the SASH.net website to find a qualified sex addiction therapist in your area.

The most important thing to remember always is what I said earlier: Love is not words, it’s behavior and actions.

Question: I’ve got a real problem with internet porn. I used to think it was no big deal but now that I’m in danger of losing my job and my marriage, I’ve got to concede otherwise. I need to cut this garbage out of my life. I’ve tried on my own and I keep going back to it so I know I need some kind of help but I also can’t imagine telling anyone about my problem. I’m a father of 3 teenaged girls and a fairly respected church going member of a small and close-knit community. Because of my job and because I can’t tell anyone about my problem, I can’t go anywhere else to get help and there’s no way I can talk to anyone local about it. I think the only thing worse than living this way would be living this way and having everyone around me know how I spend my days. I will masturbate to internet porn 3 or 4 times a day, almost every day. I do it at work every afternoon and late at night in my office at home, behind a locked door. I used to be a very well thought of at work but I now spend so much work time surfing for porn that the quality of my work has really suffered and I think I’m actually in danger of losing my job. I was even caught masturbating at work once, by one of the cleaners, but he didn’t to my knowledge, say anything about it. My wife and I used to have a great sex life but now I have difficulty performing with her and avoid sex. I think she knows what I do late at night but she prefers to turn a blind eye to it, I think. I think she may blame herself, even, for my lack of interest. Needless to say, our marriage isn’t what it once was and she has started asking me if we need to try a separation. I am too ashamed to tell her the truth. I am also very ashamed at some of the stuff that I look at online. I can’t avoid the internet as I need to use it for work but as soon as I’m online the urges become irresistible and I can’t exactly put on anti-porn software on a work computer. How can I control myself so that I can’t get past this addiction before it costs me everything – even though I can’t see anyone for help?

Rob Weiss Says...:

You have to do what it takes to get well from a problem that you have clearly identified. It is your responsibility as a husband and a father to do so.  This means getting past the excuses about why you can’t seek treatment or why you can’t tell a qualified professional about your behavior.  Your attitude is symptomatic of this kind of problem: your shame disappears when you are doing things that could get you into trouble, but reappears when you consider doing something to get well. You have been willing to risk your job and your family to masturbate to porn, so you must be willing to show the courage and commitment to get the help you need by going to a qualified therapist. If you put even 25 percent of the energy into healing that you put into indulging in masturbation and porn, miracles can happen.

I admire your willingness to write this down. It’s a great first step toward acknowledging how profound this problem is, but now you need to take it further.  You have to find a professional who is expert in the treatment of sex addiction.

If you don’t want to tell people why you’re going into therapy, you don’t have to tell them – you can say it’s for some personal issues.  But you do have to go.

There’s a national organization of professionals who treat sex addiction – The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH.net) and they have therapists in nearly every city. If you are in a rural area, you can find a therapist who will do Skype/phone sessions.   What’s most important is to find someone who is truly qualified to treat sex addiction.

There are also 12-step recovery programs with online meetings. You can use your online skills you developed looking at porn to get to these online recovery meetings. These meetings are anonymous and will allow you to find peer support.