Question: I am not sexually aroused by my wife anymore. There is nothing wrong with her and she still looks great but it is very hard for me even to get an erection with her any more. The problem is I have started using pay for play services and I love the rush of an anonymous sexual encounter. I am paying for it twice or three times a week and I am fantasizing about it all of the time. I think about having sex with hookers all of the time and it’s hard for me to resist my urges when I start thinking about meeting with someone. Things are getting out of control and I am worried about my marriage but I can’t seem to stop myself. What do I do? Right now it is so hard on my wife because she just blames herself and I don’t know what to tell her so that she will feel OK. I feel like such an ass and then a few hours later I will go out and do it all over again.

Dr. Lani Chin Says...:

Thank you for your post.  It sounds like you're going through a difficult time and I hope you'll find my response helpful.

First of all, does your wife know what's going on?  It's hard to tell because you say your wife blames herself.  I'm unsure if you're needing help with decreasing your urges to engage in pay for play services, help with your marriage, or help with being attracted to your wife again.  I would assume you want some combination of all of these.

It would be best for you to think about what you're gaining from pay to play services.  When you say you "can't stop thinking about it" it sounds like you may have a mild form of sex addiction.  Do your thoughts affect your life in some significant way?  Are you spending an excessive amount of money paying for sex and is this impeding your day to day life?  If so, you may want to look into getting treatment for sex addiction.

Additionally, the issues you have with your wife can be addressed in couples therapy.  Are you two going to remain in the marriage or are you not telling her what's going on?  It's difficult to know what you're needing without more information.  

Nothing I can say to you will help increase your arousal and nothing I can say that will help rebuild your marriage.  It sounds like you need some combination of individual therapy to explore your potential sex addiction and couples therapy to address the issues going on between you and your wife.

Good luck to you.

Question: I masturbate at work everyday. I have a private bathroom and there is no way I am going to get caught. Part of me thinks it's no different from being at home since I am not bothering anyone else but another part of me wonders why I act like this and whether this is very abnormal behavior. Is there something wrong with me?

Dr. Lani Chin Says...:

I'm unsure from your message if this behavior has become distressing for you.  Whether or not this can be considered an "addiction" or "disorder" depends upon the level of impairment this has caused.  Are your work assignments late or incomplete?  Are you late to meetings?  Is masturbating all you think about at work?  If the answer to any of these questions is "yes," then you might be describing a sexual addiction or compulsion.  I would recommend you speak to a therapist about what's going on for you.  Based on the limited information you have provided, it's difficult to recommend anything more.  If you are in the Los Angeles area, I would be happy to help you explore this further: www.drlanichin.com.  Otherwise, I would recommend you speak with someone who is closer to where you're located.  Good luck to you.

Question: I have been dating on and off again this man for four years he 41 never married no kids. here is the problem i feel used & hurt of course the first few years good but he has a webcam sex addiction he even likes me to sit watch him talk to women whom don't know im in room watching this i did to make him happy but now the last 2 years he sleeps in other room and we don't never have sex but maybe 2xs a month i'm a very sexual women and torn with this i tell him it is cheating he said its not, when we do have sex it takes him a long time but if he jerks off it fast and the last few times we did its been bad i know this is not normal what to do how do i over come his problem. we get along good but it seems to me that we are just roommates with benfits & i'm to old for this but i do care for him maybe its cause i'm a care giver and i feel the need to fix him any input would be nice

Dr. Lani Chin Says...:

It sounds like your partner's needs are getting met while yours get neglected in your relationship.  It seems like you're quite lonely and want your partner to pay attention to you and not the women he's talking to on his webcam.

I would suggest having a conversation with him about what you're needing and wanting from the relationship.  If you cannot do this or you feel like he doesn't understand, I would recommend couples counseling.  You could both benefit from an open and honest conversation about what an ideal relationship would be for the both of you.

If your partner does not want to go to couples counseling, I would suggest individual therapy for you so you can begin to understand why it is important for you to put the needs of others before your own.  You call yourself a caregiver...I think it would be good for you to explore what that means to you and how that affects you in this relationship.

Good luck to you. If you are in the Los Angeles area, I would be happy to help you: www.drlanichin.com or you can go online and find someone local.

Question: I am a very sexual person. I like sex a lot with men and women and I have worked as an escort and exotic dancer at different times and I even enjoyed that. I crave sex daily and am always looking for new partners and fantasizing about men I see all around me, to the point where it's hard to focus on getting any work done! This has never been a problem for me. I always thought the idea of sex addiction was hilarious and ridiculous and that I was just free from societies expectations and doing what I wanted to do to have a lot of fun in my life. But now I am trying to stay in a monogamous relationship with a person I really care about and do not want to hurt and I have cheated on him 4 times already in the past 3 months and in addition to this I am doing sex chats on Fb and other sites pretty much every day. I don't know if that is cheating or not but I am sure he would be hurt if he found out. I do not want to cheat but it keeps happening. Am I just a person not built for monogamy or is it possible that there is something wrong with me that make me act like this?

Dr. Lani Chin Says...:

It sounds like you are really trying to understand yourself.  Good for you for being curious about your behaviors and wanting to better understand yourself. 

First of all, throughout your question, you keep stating that you have "always been a sexual person," so I'm trying to understand why you might want to change this now.  It's important to understand why you want to change this about yourself to better understand your behavior.  Are you wanting to be monogamous for yourself?  Are you wanting to be monogamous for your partner?  Do you think this is what you "should" be doing?  Do you think this is part of "growing up"?  It's imperative that you make sure you're doing this for yourself otherwise no matter what you do, you will be living up to someone else's expectations. 

Secondly, I would encourage you to talk to your partner about what is ok and what isn't in your relationship.  You seem to be asking me if it's ok to engage in sex chats on FB and on other sites.  For some couples this is considered cheating, but if you and your partner do not consider this cheating then that's between you two.  Many couples find different ways to express themselves sexually so I encourage you to talk to your partner about the "rules" in your relationship and respect them.  Some couples even have open relationships...it all depends on what both what from the partnership. 

I encourage you to also talk to an individual therapist about the role of sex in your life.  You seem to be in an exploratory phase and individual therapy could definitely help you sort this out.  If you are in the Los Angeles area, I'd be happy to help you: www.drlanichin.com.  Good luck.

Question: My fiancee has an addiction to pornography. I do not know if I can deal with this or not and so I am unsure about whether or not I should break of our engagement. We have had a problem about this issue in the past and I eventually told him that he needed to get help or I was going to leave him and so he did arrange to get some counseling with our pastor who is also a counselor and he is still going to see him once a week. I am happy that he is trying and I believe that he is making a real effort to get better but I found out yesterday that he has found some way to override the porn blocking software on our computer and has been looking at it again while I am doing shift work in the evenings. He can spend hours and hours doing it. I do not know what to do. I love him and I beleive that he is trying to change and I want to support him, but based on the evidence I am not sure if he ever can. What I really want to know is if he cannot control his urges to look at porn will he also not be able to control his urges to have sex with another woman if the opportunity ever presents - or is this a separate thing. I do not really understand sex addiction. Can a person be just a porn addict or are they a sex addict and that also looks at porn? I guess I am fortunate that our physical relationship is still OK and the porn has not affected his desire to be with me physically. 

Dr. Lani Chin Says...:

It sounds like you are going through a tough time with your partner.  Based on what you've said about your fiancee, it seems like he is needing more intensive therapy.  I would recommend a sex therapist or someone that specializes in sex addiction.  Although most treatments can show an immediate decrease in behavior, it is not atypical for previous behaviors to crop up later. 

I would also recommend couples therapy so that you can communicate to your partner how his addiction is affecting your relationship.  Although you say your "physical relationship is OK," I can hear the pain in what you're describing and couples therapy could help for you two to work on rebuilding the emotional intimacy in your lives.

I don't know your partner so I cannot tell if he is "just a porn addict or a sex addict that also looks at porn."  Again, more intensive individual therapy for your partner plus couples therapy for the both of you could help to sort this out.  If you are in the Los Angeles area, I would be happy to help you talk about how this is affecting you: www.drlanichin.com.  Good luck.

Question: If I pay for sex about once a week does that make me a sex addict? I would not want to stop my little 'hobby' but I am not married and I do not think I am causing anyone any problems. I also think that there is nothing at all immoral about prostitution. I have decided that whatever goes on in private between consenting adults is OK with me.

Dr. Lani Chin Says...:

Sexual activity is usually considered an addiction when someone's habits are interfering with their lives.  For example: losing a sense of time because you're looking at porn and you're chronically late for work or continuing to have sex in a public place even after prior arrests.  If paying for sex is how you get your sexual needs met and this is not disrupting your life in any way, it does not sounds like addiction.  However, the fact that you are asking appears unusual since in your question, you state that "whatever goes on in private between consenting is OK."  If that's truly the case, then why are you asking.  Perhaps some individual therapy could help you sort out your feelings.  Good luck.

Question: A guy I am going out with and I really like a lot revealed to me last night that he is into sadomasochism. He kind of broached the subject of whether I would like to do some role playing with him. I am not into pain at all and the whole idea just freaks me out! I said no and he said it was no big deal. Now I am thinking though if he is into this and I am never going to be is this a deal breaker? Is he ever going to be satisfied with me if I am never going to put on those leather ropes or whatever he wants? I am also having a hard time understanding how this sweet guy that I know gets off by giving pain to other people. Is that a warning flag I should be seeing?

Dr. Lani Chin Says...:

You sound fearful and anxious about the information you just received.  I would encourage you to learn more about sado-masochism (SM) versus bondage and discipline (BD).  There is an easy to read article here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201206/loving-introduction-bdsm.  First off, find out what your partner is talking about.  The images I think you may be alluding to of being tied up by leather ropes and whipped may not be what your partner is talking about.  Get some more information about what he is asking you to do and have a conversation with him about what you feel comfortable with.  If what he wants to do is not in your comfort zone, see if you two can come to a compromise about what the both of you might find sexually satisfying.  Good luck and don't be afraid to ask questions.