Question: If I look at porn on the internet every night that is degrading to women am I a sex addict? I do not know why I am attracted to this type of movie. Will looking at porn that is degrading to women make me think of women in a different way during the day? I am not very comfortable talking to women but I am trying. I have an online relationship with a woman for the first time in a while. It feels like a lie to talk nicely to her one minute and then switch to watching movies the next. I do not want to become the kind of person that thinks badly of women because I really do not feel that way now. I do not want to become like the people I see humiliating women on the videos I watch, but I always go back to watching these types of videos. Afterwards I am disgusted with myself. I am confused about why I do this and about whether I have a problem and if I do, what the consequences of this problem might be for me.

Iona Health Says...:

I would like to thank you in advance for an excellent, thoughtful question. First, let’s consider the definition of sexual addiction. Dr. Michael Herkov defines sexual addiction as:

Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results. For some sex addicts, behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or the extensive use of pornography or phone or computer sex services. For others, addiction can involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, child molestation or rape. (See website: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/what-is-sexual-addiction/).

The International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) helps individuals who have concerns about sexual addiction by offering a free confidential online sexual addiction screening test (SAST). This organization has the most highly trained trauma and sexual addiction professionals, information, and professional training. To gain an objective measure of sexual addiction, I would encourage you to take this test at: http://www.sexhelp.com/am-i-a-sex-addict/sex-addiction-test. If you discover that you have issues surrounding sexual addiction, this website can put you in touch with fine treatment options and therapists. If you do not think you have clearly identified if you are sexually addicted or not, you can take a longer confidential online sexual addiction risk assessment which can be found at: http://www.sexhelp.com/am-i-a-sex-addict/sexual-addiction-risk-assessment. Although there is a cost for this 23 page report; this assessment can help you identify your risk for sexual addiction.

If you would like to know more about how internet porn addiction plays out in the life of people, I would highly recommend a book that could be helpful to those struggling with compulsive sexual behaviors. The book is “In the Shadow of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior” by Dr. Patrick Carnes, a prominent expert on sexual addiction. Most internet sex addicts recognize their addiction by reading this book and others.

One last resource I would like you to know about is an article on ChooseHelp.com. This article discusses ten ways a person can gain more control over his daily use of the internet. The link to this article is: http://www.choosehelp.com/topics/sex-addiction/no-more-surfing-for-sex-or-porn-10-tips-for-controlling-your-internet-use.

Finally, can your daily use of pornography affect your perspective, the way you think, relate to, respect, and treat women? The answer is yes. The reason is because pornography encourages men to (1) objectify women sexually, (2) to begin thinking and treating them as sex “objects” rather than whole human beings. Women have become very sensitized to men who objectify them or their body parts. If you would like to establish, maintain, and enjoy an intimate relationship with a woman, it would be in your best interest to not engage in daily pornography. Another aspect to consider is how pornography affects how you feel about yourself after viewing pornography. How long would you treat someone who disgusted you in a caring and loving way? What if that person is you? How we treat ourselves can often become a strong clue to how we are going to treat others ultimately. To find out more about the personal damage from internet addiction, go to the Center for Internet Addiction at: http://www.netaddiction.com/.

Did I definitively determine whether you are a sex addict? The answer is no because I have not thoroughly assessed you. You now have resources to self-assess or gain a referral to a sexual addiction therapist who can provide you with a professional assessment. My hope is that you will continue to think as this problem as serious, potentially progressive and destructive. Help can also be found in community support groups available such as Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, and Sexual Recovery Anonymous.

I do want you to know that this problem can be treated successfully if it is decided that you suffer from sexual addiction. If I may be of further assistance, please let me know.

Best of luck moving forward,

John W. O’Neal, Ed.S, MSW, MA, LPC, NCC

Question: Am I a sex addict if I only have a problem with porn after drinking or smoking pot? When I do not get drunk or high I don’t very often look at porn, only once in a while. But if I get drunk I will always come home after a night out and jerk off to porn on my laptop. I always wake up feeling very ashamed about what I did the night before. I do this 2 or 3 times a week. I am embarrassed by what I look at. I will look at pictures when drunk and get turned on by stuff that does not interest me when not drunk. I am embarrassed to say what but it is stuff that if my wife ever caught me she would have a very big problem with it. Also, she could easily walk in on me because when I get drunk I get careless and look at porn in the room next to where she is sleeping and she could walk out and catch me at any time. I want to stop looking at porn but I always go back to it once drunk. If I can’t control my impulses to look at porn am I addicted?

Iona Health Says...:

To give justice to you question, I must inform you what stands out immediately with your question. With your short question, you indicated a high level of denial when you, directly or indirectly indicated, (1) that you have been engaged in masturbation using pornography in secret; (2) go out 2 or 3 times per week to drink with or without your wife; (3) how you become intoxicated, then seek out some unacceptable pornography; (4) having a secret sex life while your wife is sleeping in the next room; and (5) little or no desire to stop this behavior despite the potential negative consequences to your marriage or yourself.

I do not know if you are a substance user, substance abuser, alcoholic, addict (or both). However, I do see that you were able to recognize alcohol (not marijuana) as the trigger to your “acting out” with pornography while intoxicated. Alcohol is the great disinhibitor and does free us to gravitate toward anything we are not consciously, or unconsciously, attracted to. Without knowing the exact type of pornography you like, I cannot comment accurately to how this may affect you or your relationships. Porn, by its very nature, coupled with anonymous use of the Internet, has caused many people to “lose control” of their behavior. One of the common features of addiction is “acting out” when you don’t want or plan to. This is called “loss of control.” It is loss of control which becomes very costly to people as they progress in their addictive behavior. It doesn’t get better…

I would recommend that you do some reading on your own about porn and Internet addiction. A very informative site is: www.sexhelp.com

One of the best books out there is: “In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior”.

Yes, You do show signs of porn addiction, so I would refer you to the Sexual Addiction Screening Test, a self quiz which is anonymous and free, at: http://www.sexhelp.com/am-i-a-sex-addict/sex-addiction-test so you can get the results and know for yourself.

Before you make up your mind about whether or not you are addicted to porn or not, I would encourage you to begin to see this as a problem that you have not exercised much control over. A positive move for you would be to obtain a professional assessment for alcohol, marijuana, and porn addiction. These behavior(s) could become very costly to you physically, psychologically, spiritually, financially, and martially; if action is not taken. Your fear of getting exposed or caught by your wife may serve you as a positive motivator to do something about this.

My hope is that this information is useful to you and that you will use this information for your greater good.

John W. O'Neal, Ed.S, LPC, MSW, MA, NCC

Question: A friend is trying to get sober from internet porn after relapse. Main trigger is cell phone internet access. In looking for cell phones that do not have internet access, have had no luck. Blocks from cell phone companies have not been successful. Any ideas?

Iona Health Says...:

I would like first to acknowledge you as an incredible friend to your friend suffering from porn addiction. To make a clear recommendation, I need to break down the problems into different components for the purpose of clarity and logical direction.

These components are:

1. porn addiction is a problem with sexual addiction
2. the use of cell phones (the trigger for the porn addiction), and
3. your friend who suffers from sexual (porn) addiction.

Although it may be tempting to focus on triggers for any addiction, the most important fact is the person is suffering from addiction. In the case of your friend, he/she is addicted to pornography which commonly elicits strong feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, fear, frustration, and loss of control. These feelings, unacknowledged or unexpressed directly, actually fuel old behavior(s) whose primary purpose is to produce desirable feelings, and to deaden or avoid unwanted feelings. Addiction is primarily a disease of feelings.

If your friend was assessed by a professional addiction specialist, he/she might be recommended for outpatient or inpatient treatment. One of the first things he/she would do is to identify triggers (people, places or things) which cause him to “act out” his addictive behavior(s). He would be asked to get rid of his cell phone since that is what is helping him progress in his addiction and act out. The choice becomes:

1. his possession of your cell phone, or
2. his recovery from sexual addiction

If your friend is unable to consider this choice, he may not fully understand the nature of addiction which is progressive, destructive, and deadly. In other words, the problems he experiences as a result of acting out with pornography via cell phone will progress or expand into other addictive/destructive behaviors which are even more undesirable. First, I would recommend that your friend become educated about how pornography adversely affects our brain and cognitive functioning, our relationships with others, and to our society. A good website for your friend to explore is “Fight the New Drug”.

A psychologist, Dr. Patrick Carnes, is considered to be one of the foremost experts on sexual addiction. His landmark work is called “Out of Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction” and his seminal work on pornography addiction “In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior.” A good website which offers valuable information about sexual addictions is SexHelp.com. On this site is a free sexual addiction screening test if your friend would like to be certain that this is a real problem which must be addressed.

I know there are cell phones which only serve as phones. The easily identifiable ones are cell phones for kids. There are different ones by FireFly, LG Migo Verizon VX1000, and SVP’s i-baby A88 which are originally designed for kids but can be used by adults who cannot handle a cell phone with Internet access. You can see these phones here (Amazon). I would encourage your friend to check on other low end cell phones which only serve as phones. Another option would be for your friend to use a pager if he/she is concerned about missing important calls. I would like to offer a word of caution. If your friend is using a cell phone, like a computer, to serve the net for pornography, then he could as easily do this on computer now or later. This needs to be addressed.

I would like to recommend another website which covers all of the traps commonly encountered by those addicted to pornography. This website is Family Safe Media. Other potential triggers are unedited movies, unfiltered internet, and unfiltered television. The problem of porn addiction is usually a symptom of a bigger problem than one might suppose.

Lastly, I would recommend:

1. an assessment for sexual addiction by a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT)
2. readings about sexual addition by Dr. Patrick Carnes, and
3. attending to one of the sexual recovery groups, e.g., Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, Sex Love Addicts Anonymous, and Sexaholics Anonymous. Most of these have online meetings as well as meetings in the community. The standard recommendation is for a newcomer to attend a meeting at least 3 times before making a decision about whether he/she is a sex addict and if it is a meeting he or she should attend for recovery.

You did ask for ideas and there are many good ideas to help your friend. However, it is important to understand that addiction to pornography is a deep-seated problem which is often marked by request relapses and strong denial. People do recover from sexual addiction but not without much effort and support, and they often require outpatient or inpatient treatment.

I hope this information has been useful to you and helpful to your friend. If you need anything else, please feel free to contact me.

John W. O’Neal, Ed.S, LPC, NCC

Question: I feel like I am addicted to porn but I don’t really understand how this can happen? I understand how addiction happens when you drink or take drugs, but how can just looking at pictures and movies cause a brain addiction?

Iona Health Says...:

Dear Anonymous,

It is estimated that one out of ten people are sexually addicted which is the comparable rate for alcoholism. The brain responds to pictures and video as it would it real life situations. When you expose yourself to pornography, your neurotransmitters in your brain are stimulated as if you are doing drugs or alcohol. A person grows to like and desire pornography because of what it offers him or her as pleasure-seeking. This preoccupation or activity can help a person avoid "pain" by seeking pleasure. For many people they develop a dependency on these provocative images and acts which begin to occupy more and more of their lives. A key feature of addiction is loss of control. An example of this with pornography would be the person who cannot wait to view pornography at home but begins to watch it at work. These indivdiuals are often identified by their employers as having a pornography problem. This is acutally sexual addiction. For more information, you can google Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., who is a psychologist who specializes in sexual addiction. He wrote an excellent book about sexual addiction called "Out of the Shadows." His website info is:

http://www.pinegrovetreatment.com/patrick-carnes.html

For individuals with pornography issues, his excellent book about this is: "In the Shadows of the Net." There is help for people who are challenged by sexual addiction. These groups or organizations are Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sex Love Addicts Anonymous, and Sexual Compulsives Anonymous. They are 12 Step groups. If you are not attracted to 12 Step groups, you may consider Smart Recovery groups. If you should consult with a therapist, you may want to consider one who is certified in sexual addiction, a speciality. The website to go to is: http://www.sexhelp.com/

Finally, if you are concerned whether you could be sexually addicted, you may want to take a sexual addiction screening test for assessment purposes. Go to http://www.sexhelp.com/am-i-a-sex-addict

I hope this information is helpful and could offer more indepth understanding of the problem, identification, and treatment of sexual addiction, which includes addiction to pornography. If I can help you in any other way, please contact me.

All the best,

John O'Neal, Ed.S., LPC