Question: I have an unexpected problem with quitting weed. I smoked every day for 2 years and I have decided that it just is not that much fun any more. It has been quite hard to beat the mental aspects of the habit but I have been 5 days now since my last joint. Unexpectedly I have had sexual problems since I quit. I have not been able to get a full erection for sex since I stopped weed and this never ever happened before. From what I have always heard quitting weed increases your sex drive. I am concerned but I am sure it is just a temporary quitting effect. It is very embarrassing. It is OK that it happened once but now when me and my girlfriend start fooling around I can feel that I am soft I have to make some excuse to stop. Is this normal and when will it go away?

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there and thanks for your question. Good news- you're going to be fine. It sounds like marijuana has been covering anxiety for you - this is my guess without meeting you - but it explains your symptoms. Mild discomfort mentally and physically are really the only things you should be experiencing fro quitting pot. Go see your primary care doctor immediately and get screened for an anxiety disorder. I expect you'll feel better in a week or less but if you've been smoking heavily and daily - there's a reason why it became so prominent in your life. You're making good choices and growing up - keep going!

Question: Is a weekend sex addiction couples retreat long enough of a time to treat an internet pornography addiction or at least get a good start on nipping this thing in the bud? The program is Christ based and it focuses on helping couples restore non sexual based intimacy as a first necessary step in a long term process of healing. The other alternative is a 45 day residential program.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi and thank you for your excellent question. There are a lot of variables here and very limited info for me to go on but my thoughts are:

1. a weekend is minimal and 45 days is a commitment

2 a weekend with your partner means no individual treatment and while rebuilding intimacy sounds great, it seems premature

3. better to get a handle on your self and consider what drives your addiction, what's missing, and how to rise above it and go through it all

4 What does pornography provide the life does not? How will those needs be met in healthy ways after treatment? these are things I urge you to address clinically

5. Good luck and blessed be!

Question: I love my wife but have this compelling drive to degrade and humiliate her. I have allowed many men to watch me have sex with her from outside our bedroom window or from inside our bedroom closet. I enjoy meeting with them the next day and discussing just how much they enjoyed the show. It is a huge thrill to hear them tell me details of what they like about her body and how she acts during sex. Further, I take her to our local porn theater and make her expose herself to a lot of the guys in their while they are masturbating while watching the move as well as her breasts. I also enjoy taking her out onto the freeway and making her expose herself to truck drivers. She begs me to not make her do these things but the drive is so strong in me that I can't stop it.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi, thanks for your question. I understand that your compulsion is overwhelming. My question is - how would you deal with your compulsion if you lose her? It seems like an inevitability. You're showing off your wife the way a child shows off n especially cool toy. Encouraging other men to view her goes beyond voyeurism - what you're enjoying is the feeling that they can't have her and you can. You've objectified her and treated her like an object to be used as you will.

It's not my intention to judge you or to guilt you. Rather, I'm pointing out that your behavior is clearly taking a toll on your wife and eventually will cost both of you a great deal. I urge you to seek treatment from a clinician who is competent in addressing sexual obsessions and compulsions.

The woman you find so beautiful - you treat as a possession and it's only a matter of time until you lose her. You are putting her in situations in which knowingly and unknowingly she is being violated. Your conscience is telling you that this is wrong. Get the help you need to overcome this addiction and to keep connection to the person you love.

Question: I like to have one night stands and I have done this more than 400 times. Now I have a son who is 5 and I am realizing that I am never there for him emotionally because I am always thinking about sex and spending a lot of time finding new women to have sex with (it has to me new women every time to be exciting). When I go out at night but I can’t find a suitable partner I get very moody and hard to be around and then that makes me a bad father too. I can’t pay attention to my son when I am thinking about sex and I am too hard to be around when I don’t get it. I never realized that sex was a problem until my son started to not pay attention to me and when I asked him mom why she told me it was because I never gave him any attention. That hurt me for real. I am not sure how to stop because my habits are so set in place and I feel like I need sex or I will explode. How to I stop obsessing about this? I am 27 now so I think I should have had enough by now.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

I'm really glad you wrote to me. Your question has a lot of layers to it and while it's clear that you need help with obsessive thoughts and compulsive behavior - it's even more clear that you're ashamed and can't tolerate failing your son. The world needs more good dads. You've identified the obstacles to being the dad you want to be - but this is more than behavior and desire - this is a disconnect with yourself. You don't feel good about who you are - only about what you do. I'm guessing sex is a poor substitute for love in your life.

You're looking to fill an emptiness with something you can never get enough of.

I wonder what you know about loving others and if you're able to really understand what it feels like for your son?

See here's the thing - I think you know a lot about what it feels like for your son. I'd bet a month's pay that while you're able to bed a woman, you can't sustain anything deeper than bar room conversation.

I don't say these things to put you down - I say them to illustrate that the issue runs much deeper than your thoughts and actions. It's about being able to have empathy and meaningfully connecting to others. There is no greater honor nor more important job in this world than being a dad (everyone has a father only the lucky ones have a dad).

You fear intimacy and relating to our children requires vulnerability that scares you. Step up. Find a therapist who will not focus on simply your behavior but who will challenge you to find the connections between your past experiences and your present priorities, perspective, and behavior.

How much are you like your father?

Get this right - no amount of sex or success in any other part of your life will take away this pain. It's not too late. Your boy is 5. He will forgive you but his needs have to come before your own. Therapy can help you discover what your needs are. Write to me again and let me know what you find.

I'm biased (and unapologetic for it). The two greatest things I have ever done are to raise my son and my daughter. I will never do anything half as important in my lifetime. I make myself available to you as a resource because I'd rather serve a guy like you now than your son 10-15 years down the road.

I wish you well but I also implore you to get this right, right away. You can do this!

Question: i mean i have looked at treatment centers for what i feel is a sex addiction and they are all telling me that they are out of texas and really expensive. i am in texas and broke as a church mouse so what can i do? i am basically homeless you could say because i am couch hoping around from friend to friend trying to find a place to stay for more than a week at a time. i am trying to deal with a lot of things right now. but i just feel that i need to be in treatment for my sex addiction. i am 46 yrs old, and i just want to start my life over and change and to finally have a successful relationship. i kinda was not into church because i was very bdsm. which is part of the addiction. i am submissive and been told that i could be a great submissive but that i would need a Masters care and training again part of the addiction. i am very into bdsm, sex games and toys, not really into porn videos but do enjoy them but not on regular basis. i do have many one night stands just because i hate being alone and lonely. i just want to be the best person i can be and to rid myself of this pain and torment. Ann

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi Ann,

What you're describing feels like shame and emptiness. Being alone is something you fear and being with anyone is better than an empty bed. I don't presume to know what drives you but what you're describing doesn't feel so much like an addiction to me. It feels more like your self worth is based in being who someone else wants you to be sexually.

There is nothing inherently wrong or bad about BDSM. There's nothing wrong with being promiscuous if it brings a person satisfaction without pain. Your one night stands feel like a misguided attempt to be valued - even if it's only a matter of hours.

You are free to start your life over today.

Religion is only one way to change one's life. I vastly prefer spirituality because there are no rules to it. It's just me and what I happen to believe. I choose to believe that there is something, that it cares about me, and so I talk to it. In the worst case scenario I reason that I'm just talking to myself which is still a healthy thing to do :)

Start over. Give yourself the time and patience you'd give to someone you care about.

Outpatient therapy on a sliding scale or from a free health clinic may be able to meet your needs.

Seek local meetings of Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous.

Be kind to the woman in the mirror.

Start over. You can do this.

Question: so tell me there is help available for a poor girl who needs to get herself together

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi - thanks for your question...vague though it may be. You posted your query in the sex addiction category and ask if there is help for a poor girl? This can pertain to so many things and normally I'd be asking - "Um, hey, could you narrow it down a bit for me?" But then I saw your follow up question in which you asked that I please not refer you to prayer or chanting.

So my guess is that you're emotionally drained and not open to spirituality as a form of coping. Is there hope for you? Absolutely! As long as you are vertical and breathing there is hope As long as you have an open mind and a broken heart there is hope As long as you are willing to earnestly look at yourself and have willingness to change, there is hope.

And if you care to narrow it down a bit for me, I'll be happy to give more specific suggestions

Best,

Jim

Question: Hello sir. My husband do the porn web cam. We have the problem a lot after I catch him send the email to someone who from the web cam chat and. What should I do with him and with myself sir. Thank you

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Thank you for writing. Your husband's behavior certainly shows great insensitivity to you and is disrespectful to your marriage. Does he identify this as something he wants to stop but cannot or does he simply apologize and repeat the behavior?

Internet & pornography addictions are a problem for many but I favor a more simplistic and pragmatic view, which is that selfish men seek instant gratification and excitement through porn cams and interactions with women who covet credit card numbers. I encourage you to share how his behavior impacts you emotionally and what your expectations are going forward. I assume that what's already occurred undermines your ability to trust him. The biggest piece of advice I give is to listen to your intuition and act on it. As to what you should do for yourself...that depends entirely on what your intuition tells you and on what you want. If you want your marriage to work and see hope for it I encourage you to explore options in couples counseling. As a side note, his use of pornography is in no way a reflection of you or his satisfaction with your sex life. Sometimes men act like little boys. Good luck!

Question: I know an associate that has unprotected sex with prostitutes (don’t ask me how I know). He is married and he does not seem to care that he could get a fatal illness and that he could pass this on to his innocent wife. I am wondering if I should send her an anonymous letter (I have no love for this individual but I do not like to get in other people’s business? I also want to know if a person has to be a psychopath to deliberately put someone they are supposed to love in such risk of a fatal illness?

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Great questions - my first thought is that psychopaths are actually quite rare whereas jerks are very common. A psychopath is one who derives pleasure out of hurting others - the associate you're referring to simply lives in denial and seems to have no respect for his wife, himself, or the values of fidelity and intimacy.

Follow your conscience. Advising his spouse may or may not alter things but it's an act of kindness that she be concerned for her health. I'm guessing if you were in her shoes that you'd want to know. Denial is powerful stuff and even if she doesn't want to acknowledge his behavior she might decide that condoms are a good idea.

To thine own self be true but it never hurts to practice random acts of kindness.

Question: Is there any way I can use a lie detector test to see if my husband has been cheating on me. I am not sure where to turn for this. He has cheated many times and he is now getting some counseling and is in 12 steps sex addiction group. I found a number on his phone and when I called it it was a woman and she hung up when I started asking questions. I want to believe him but this so usually means that he has another girl. He swears he doesn’t. I don’t know what to believe. I made him get help and he seems like he is really trying but my ability to trust him is totally damaged. I believe if I could have a way to know for sure in this instance if he was lying to me again or if it was the truth then I would know if I should stay or if this was the final straw.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Sorry - no way to get a lie detector test. Time to be true to yourself. You don't trust him and with good reason. You probably feel like you have so much invested that you don't want to quit now...but all signs point to he's cheating and regardless of what he's doing to get help or not...what are you doing for you? If you're totally honest with yourself, are you hurting, angry, feeling betrayed? Of course you are. I simply want to encourage you to be 100$ honest with yourself - listen to your gut and do what it tells you. You deserve someone you can trust and being in denial undermines your ability to trust you.

Question: It’s my new years resolution to give up porn. I think it was interfering with my ability to be intimate with my wife. I have been visiting porn sights once a day since I made a vow to give it up. This is down from 2 or 3 times a day before but I am flabbergasted at how hard this is to stop completely. I have good intentions but I have slipped every day so far so my will power sucks I guess. This is really something I need to do for my marriage. I am not sure how to do this? I spend all day online in my private office at home with no one around so the temptation is always there. Porn filters just don’t work.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

My question to you would be - what does porn provide that reality does not?

The fantasies involved with pornography do not have to be an obstacle to satisfying sex and emotional intimacy.

It feels like there's something more substantive that's blocking intimacy.

Is this a conclusion and direction you've chosen on your own or have you involved your wife in discussions of improving your marriage, intimacy, sex?

The instant gratification of meeting your own needs is always available to you...avoiding that temptation is not realistic. Making a choice to invest in your marriage is available and getting to the heart of the matter sounds like what's needed.

Talk with your wife about what you want and see what you can do together. Feel free to ask me follow up questions and I'm happy to offer suggestions - simply avoiding instant gratification that is always at your fingertips feels like a losing battle.