Question: My boyfriend is an obsessive porno watcher. I do not ever go on his computer without warning so he time to clean up any videos and websites he has up and running…I learned this the hard way. It is a problem for me and I find it very disgusting. I talked about leaving him because I had had enough it and I feel like how can he respect me and watch that all night and this is when he confessed that he was abused as a child and this is why he has a problem and he asked me to understand and help him change. Is getting sexually molested as a child of 7 to 9 going to have an influence on a man becoming addicted to porno websites when he is an adult? He says he wants to move in together so he won’t be as tempted to watch this stuff as he is when he is alone. I love him and I want to help him.

Dr. Jennifer Martin Says...:

I understand your feelings of disgust and also your love for your boyfriend.  His addiction to porn is not necessarily as a result of being abused as a child. Many people have had that experience as a child and do not end up watching porn.  He is right he does need help but it is unfair and not realistic to think that you can be his sole source of help.  If your boyfriend really wants to stop watching porn but cannot despite repeated attempts then he is definitely addicted.  Addictions are serious and without treatment they unfortunately do in most cases get worse and more difficult to control. I recommend telling him that the condition of you moving in is that he gets professional help - from a counselor trained to treat sexual addiction.  My first recommendation would actually to tell him that you would only move in after he has been in treatment for 90 days and had experienced a 90 day abstinent  period.  If you move in and he keeps doing what he is doing, it will very likely get more consuming not less. This is not about him getting more sex from you and not needing to look at porn. It is actually not about sex. You cannot solve this for him.  You don't have to give up on the relationship but he does need help.  You will find out how motivated he is to change if you give him an ultimatum about him getting help. If you want to set up a time to talk I offer a no cost consultation. You can reach me at jennifer at relate2 dot net.

Question: This is a stupid question but I think I am addicted to going to strip clubs. I want to slow down because I am always broke. I am not an alcoholic because I only have 2 or 3 or 4 beer when I go but I feel like I have to go or I get super edgy. I work alone and live alone so I think I am addicted to the sexual human connection. I used to smoke and it feels almost like craving a cigarette. It costs me a lot of money even though the girls will give me alot of free dances. I see the same faces in there everyday so I don’t think it is just me. As you can probably guess I am not very good with girls outside of the club so this makes it harder to give it up.

Dr. Jennifer Martin Says...:

It sounds like it has become an addiction.  The question is do you want to break free of the addiction? If so, it will require you learning skills to connect emotionally with people outside of this environment. Let's face it engaging in this behavior is easier than forming real relationships - which take work and some skill in emotionally intimacy. If you want relationships that offer you more I recommend putting your resources - time and money into learning these skills. I suggest that you write down the pros and cons of staying the same or changing your behavior. If it seems like there is a good enough reason to change then you will be motivated to get the help you need to break free. You can do this.

Question: I pretend like I care about things because otherwise people look at me like I am a psycho but I never really care about anyone or anything. The only way I know how to feel things is with sex for a minute and alcohol but that’s not really real. Most guys hook up with girls for sex but I hook up because it is too painful to go home alone. I want love but it has not happened yet in 26 years and 13 years of sexual activity. When I drift into an actual relationship I always end up hurting the other person because eventually they realize that I just don’t care very much. I attract girls easily but I never feel satisfied. The only real emotion I have is that I hate myself for being like this. If any girl knew how many sexual partners I have had they would not come near me because it is in the thousands.

Dr. Jennifer Martin Says...:

Your behavior is more common than you might think.  Sex addiction is driven by a desire to connect but an inability to know how to do so beyond just the physical.  The number of partners reflects the desire you have to try to connect. Based on your question, it sounds as if you are ready to try something new.  Hooking up is not satisfying you and now is a good time to get some counseling to work through your fear of intimacy.  This is a learned skill and you can change this and have satisfying emotionally connected relationships. You are not the only one who has gone through this but you need to get help from a therapist experienced treating sex addiction.

Question: My son has Asperger’s. He is 17. I was checking his computer for a schoolwork file and I found he had saved pictures of torture porn. I do not know what to call it exactly but it involved people in pain mixed in with sex. I do not think this was normal s&m stuff. It is not something I know a lot about but there was blood and people getting smashed up and I found it sickening. What does this mean? Should I talk to him about this or pretend like I never saw it? He has never had a girlfriend (to my knowledge).

Dr. Jennifer Martin Says...:

It is good that you are asking the question because even though this is difficult and it is not an easy conversation to have, it is important that you not ignore it.  Typically the choice to view these kinds of explicit images is an indication that your son is dealing with unexpressed feelings of rage. He is not sick but just has repressed emotions that he is seeking an outlet for. It is possible that a few sessions with a counselor could help to him to cope with these emotions in healthier ways. 

You are welcome to call me if you have any questions after you discuss this with him. Here is the toll free: (855) Relate2.

Question: How long to get intimacy back after porn addiction? What do you do when your addiction caused your wife to change just to keep the relationship going and now that your in recovery she is having a hard time changing back? I am a porn addict. I have been married for lucky 13 years. We had a good marriage for the first 3 years but then I started with shift work and so that affected our sex life and how much we got to see each other and then I got into watching porn and this led to a severe porn addiction and a total collapse of intimacy in the marriage. My wife dealt with this and kept the marriage going so we could stay together as strong parents for our 3 children. Now I want things to change and I am really trying but she likes things the way they are now. She doesn’t want to change back or try to reestablish an intimate relationship (I don’t mean sex, I mean emotional intimacy). I want to prove my intentions with actions, not words. How long should I prove myself to her before I start pushing for things to change?

Dr. Jennifer Martin Says...:

Hi there,

Thanks for writing in and sharing your concerns. This is not uncommon but can be helped. Your wife and you need couple counseling from a psychotherapist specializing in sex addiction treatment.  It is a process of slowly rebuilding emotional intimacy and weekly sessions will help strengthen and support that process.  Your 3 children will benefit from having more emotional closeness in the home.  If your wife is not willing to begin couple's work, you can get started and increase your emotional intimacy skills, and that will help her understand how much this will benefit her too.  As a choose help expert, I offer a reduced fee to clients who write in for help (jennifer@relate2.net)

Question: Can women ever get addicted to porn or is this just something that happens to men?

Dr. Jennifer Martin Says...:

It is estimated that 80% of porn addicts are men and 20% are women. Research has shown that people who would not otherwise become sex addicts are lured into compulsive sexual behavior through the "Triple A" engine of the Internet; referring to the anonymity, accessibility and affordability of online pornography.  Experts agree that the Internet facilitates the escalation of sexual addiction not only to those predisposed to this compulsive behavior but also to individuals who otherwise would not develop this condition. 

Women tend to be addicted to romance and relationships more frequently than to sex. For example, when accessing sexually explicit sites online, women are shown to prefer chat rooms involving relational contact, as opposed to passive, solitary activities of viewing pornography.  

Unlike men who seek sex online, women are more likely to pursue an offline meeting with the individual they meet on the Internet.  One study reveals that 80% of female cybersex addicts sought in person meetings with their online sexual partner. The danger inherent in this tendency is yet to be fully documented. 

Question: How bad is it to develop feelings for girls on porno webcams? I know it is really stupid and I am just money to these girls but there are a couple of girls that I really care about and I don’t feel OK if I don’t check in on them. It’s not just about the sex. It’s starting to cost me a lot of money but my feelings are real and I can’t pretend I don’t have them. I don’t know if these feelings are healthy or more like an addiction. What should I do?

Dr. Jennifer Martin Says...:

Hi there,

What you describe is not uncommon.  I don't doubt that your feelings are real.  Now, to answer your question, is it bad to develop feelings for girls on webcams?  There is no "right" or "wrong" here - just a toll (far beyond the financial one) that you will be faced with.  These women are unavailable.  To be blunt, the fantasy of a caring relationship with them is just that - a fantasy.  Individuals often find themselves fantasizing about unavailable romantic partners when they have difficulty with intimate relationships.  The fantasy serves to give them the "buzz" of the romantic relationship but it is based only on illusion. To answer your other question, no it is not healthy because the end result is loneliness and despair.  Withdrawal from fantasy (once it really takes hold) is very serious and some individuals consider suicide.  I recommend finding a counselor to talk about your feelings, preferably someone who understands love addiction.  You will know if this is an addiction if you find yourself wanting to stop these behaviors but you find you cannot - then the obsession has you in its grips.  If you need recommendations on counselors in your area feel free to email me at jennifer@relate2.net.  

Question: How can I get a porn addiction under control? I work at home and I surf the internet for hours each day when I should be working. This has a huge financial impact for my family. It probably cuts my earnings down by half but I still can’t control it. No one knows about my problem. I am married and it is too humiliating to tell anyone. How can I overcome this when I am faced with constant temptation all day every day?

Dr. Jennifer Martin Says...:

Dear
Anonymous,

Here’s
what you need to do to get your porn addiction under control:

Step 1: Recognize that
you have a problem and you need help.

You
are well on your way, as you have asked for help and are recognizing what your
addiction is costing you (relationships, finances, etc.).  However, you are living in secrecy. To gain
sobriety you need to reach out to others who can support you in your recovery
from porn addiction.  Find a 12-step
meeting in your area and attend a meeting every day for the first 90 days.

·     
Sex
Addicts Anonymous (SAA)  http://saa-recovery.org

·     
Sexaholics
Anonymous (SA)  www.sa.org

·     
Sex and
Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)  www.slaafws.org

Step 2:
Install accountability software on your computer

Internet Accountability software
tracks websites you visit on your computers, smart phones, and tablets, and
sends them in an easy-to-read report to someone you trust (for example: your
counselor or fellow 12-step member). Tools such as http://www.covenanteyes.com offer both
filtering and accountability for about $10 per month. Using accountability
tools are critical when beginning recovery.

Step
3: Work with a trained sex addiction therapist

Sobriety will only be sustained if you address the
core issues that are causing your addiction to porn.  Experts refer to porn addiction as an
attachment disorder, which means that people who become addicted to porn have
difficulties becoming emotionally close to others and most especially to a romantic
partner. Finding a counselor trained in sex addiction treatment is essential to
your recovery. You can find a trained professional here: www.sexhelp.com. If you are concerned about
visiting an office, some of these professionals offer Skype counseling.

Step
4: Read and do the exercises in Facing
the Shadow workbook

Dr. Patrick Carnes authored the first book on sex addiction
treatment and now heads the preeminent organization that trains therapists to
treat sex addiction. His workbook, Facing
the Shadow, is an important resource for anyone beginning recovery from
porn addiction.  You can work on this
material solo or get support by registering for an online Facing the Shadow class: http://relate2.net/break-porn-addiction/

It takes courage to reach out and ask for help. I
commend you for writing this question. You are on your way to recovery. If you
want to break your addiction to porn you absolutely can.  Follow these four steps and you will be well
on your way.

Question: Is sex addiction recovery possible if the route cause of being a mother enmeshed son is not addressed itself? If the controlling and intefering mother continues, without my hubby dealing with this enmeshment as he is to scared to confront her, can the sexual acting out be dealt with alone and what are the chances for the son being able to develop intimacy?

Dr. Jennifer Martin Says...:

Great question. There are many stages to sex addiction treatment and recovery. The enmeshed relationship between your husband and his mother would usually not be addressed early on in treatment but yes, it would be critical to address this issue as recovery progresses. So to answer your question, beginning sex addiction treatment is possible regardless of this mother/son relationship but ongoing recovery and development of healthy intimacy would eventually (likely) require addressing the enmeshment. I say likely because it is difficult to make sweeping statements without knowing the history and context of the particular family. I recommend finding a certified sex addiction therapist and having an initial consultation (www.sexhelp.com)  Also, recommended reading: When He's Married to Mom, How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment by Kenneth Adams, Phd

Question: If my boyfriend wants to have sex 3 or 4 times a day does this mean he has a sex addiction? This is a problem in our relationship. I cannot keep up with him but I worry he will look elsewhere if I don’t try.

Dr. Jennifer Martin Says...:

I am sorry to hear about your difficulty and I understand your concern.  To determine if his behavior is addictive around sex, I would have to know more.  Sex addiction is about more than having a lot of sex. Frequent sex is not a criteria for sex addiction. Having said that, a person who needs to have sex that frequently very well might have an addiction.  What it comes down to is not the frequency of sex, but the role sex plays in his life - is he using it to regulate his emotions?

Sex addicts crave sex much like the alcoholic craves a drink to cope with unresolved emotional pain. A sex addict will be compulsive about sex regardless of neglecting other priorities in his life (family, friends, employment academic or recreational).  Sex dominates their thinking and becomes the organizing principle of their life.  They will forgo what used to be pleasurable activities (sports, etc) to continue their addiction. The addict is willing to sacrifice much of what he cherishes in order to continue the unhealthy behavior. When sex is an addiction, the person may make attempts to control or stop their behavior but they find that their anxiety level gets out of control and to regulate it, they continue on with the unhealthy behavior.

At this point, I would recommend the online sex addict self-test. It is free and you will get results immediately.

https://www.recoveryzone.com/tests/sex-addiction/SAST/index.php

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have other questions.