Question: How do I handle my boyfriends relapse if/when that occurs? I am moving back in with him soon. He went to a 28 day in patient addiction program for alcoholism which he completed and was supposed to start outpatient treatment as soon as he got out. He did not. He has been out of treatment for almost 6 weeks now and has only went to one AA meeting. He lost his job due to his alcoholism just before going in to treatment. He lost his company truck several months before that. The truck he owns is not drivable and needs $2500 worth of fixing to run. He has a vehicle that he uses to get around occasionally but isn’t very safe to drive because the brakes aren’t good. I’ve given him a lot of money and I’m trying to free myself from codependency and enabling. He does not do anything during the day and hasn’t changed any habits that were there before. He sleeps a lot and is currently living with his parents, living off his VA benefit but the majority of that goes to his child support (he pays $1300/month for child support and gets $1500/month of a va benefit) I’ve asked him to sign us up for couples counseling several times, He acts as though it is my fault that we argue all the time but I’ve worked very hard on myself to create healthy boundaries in our relationship and he has denied every one of them. He forgot my birthday, he’s still very selfish, I’ve given so much of myself mentally,physically, financially, and emotionally and I am NOT READY TO GIVE UP BECAUSE OF THAT. Please help me!

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hope,

My heart goes out to you

You feel that having invested so much in this relationship,

you can't just walk away and have so little return on your investment.

I'm sorry - whether he is drinking or not,

he is an insensitive and selfish man.

It's incredible that he got sober - I hope he stays that way,

but he is showing you loud and clear that he has no intention of making changes.

Please be completely honest with yourself - you've been trying for a long time now

not to know what you know.

It's time to move on and take care of you.

Question: Hi Jim. My name is Melissa and I have been almost 120 days sober from 12 years of high dose morphine use. But my mind is not normal and I am not feeling like I thought I would,,,i know its PAWS but I don't know how to make it stop. I literally feel insane... But I have done the whole thing by myself because I have no insurance, so I am dealing with this alone to and that is why I'm reaching out for answers. Thank you for your time

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi Melissa, Thank you for reaching out and connecting! First and foremost, congratulations! What you're doing is heroic and healthy. Post Acute Withddrawal (PAW) can last up to the first year of being clean and sober. Your body, mind and spirit continue to experience healing and a high degree of change. The key to managing PAW and the first year cliean in general is to have tons of support. When we go through things alone it's just not manageable.

Your body continues to detox. The first 30 days are the worst but the process continues. This is why nutrition, hydration, and exercise are so important. I remind folks that everything they tried to numb when they were using is going to resurface. Dealing with emotions is uaually the tougheest part. My briothers and sisters in the hals of Narcotics Anonymous are brilliant in their ability to teach ways of coping.

I highly recomend journaling - get everything that's on the hamster wheel in your head out in the open - things are more manageable and mre subject to change that way.

People often fear that they have done brain damage from their use. This is rarely the case. I would predict you'll be feeling better, but I urge you to keep investing in yourself. My bias is that the best investment we can make in recovery is to have fellowship and people who will hold us accountable for our goals.

It will get better. Keep going! If I can answer other questions, contact me anytime!

Best,

Jim

Question: Hi Jim, I wanted to ask you for your advice on how best to support my girlfriend who is in recovery. We met almost five years ago, she was 35 and I was 45. At that time she was living in an SLE, and I was divorced with my pre teen living with me. I didn't really understand the depth and history of her drinking problems the first year we knew each other. She was mostly sober and we developed a wonderful love for each other. Even through the years of ups and downs in our relationship, I do believe to this day, we both feel each other is a soulmate. Which brings me to today, and her recent release from a 30 day program she voluntarily entered with my help. When she was admitted only her mother and myself were authorized to call and check on her. We wrote letters to each other during the blackout. The first couple from her explained how her detox went, how she was feeling, how she was doing etcetera, and she let me know that I was no longer allowed to call only her mother could. The rationale was so that she could focus on her treatment, and I let her know I understood. The last letter I received she says that she felt it would be best for her to not be in a relationship anymore. You can imagine how difficult it is for me to reconcile that. I do understand that most recovery centers advise their clients do not enter into a relationship for one year. My problem is that we were already in a relationship. I am and have been her closest ally during her drinking episodes. And I want to be there for her during her recovery. I am diligently reading about the 12 step program, refuge recovery, meditation mindfulness and other modalities. We are meant to celebrate our 5th anniversary in a couple days. I want to do the right thing by her. I love her more and respect her courage, and I need some advice on how to approach her and support her. I don't want to drift apart, and lose all that we have worked so hard for together. - Adder

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi Adder, Thank you for connecting with me and for bringing such a painful situation to light. By doing so, you open door for countless others who struggle similarly. I hear the heartbreak in your words. More than that I see the powerlessness you're confronted with. As you expressed, "The last letter I received she says that she felt it would be best for her to not be in a relationship anymore."

I would encourage you ti state very simply what it is that you want and to express your earnest desire to support her in the way that she feels would work best for her. Sometimes people push us away just to see if we come back.

Ok, your hope spiked as you read that last line. What I urge you to do is to express your views and desires very simply and directly but to do so (this is the hard part) without expectation.

The suggestion we give folks is not only no new relationships but also no relational changes in the first year. Now, if she hs decided that her sobriety and/or her life are better without you, there is nothing for you to do except wait - it is possible that she will change her mind in the future.

I urge you to seek support for yourself. Powerlessness is painful sometimes and you deserve to focus on yourself and not simply on her. Turn your energies toward what you can do and away from what you cannot. The rest is waiting. If you choose to wait that's fine - but go invest in yourself during the interim. Everything else is a lousy option

Question: My daughters husband has just started a veterans court treatment program. So far things are looking up for him, but this is a 15 to 18 month program, and he just started a month ago. I feel that she still is being somewhat codependent on his needs which she somewhat agrees with me on. She also attends Al anon. She blames all of his problems (financial abuse of not paying any household bills - the biggest issue and a lot of selfishness) completely on the alcoholism. His father really took advantage of people and he was not an alcoholic. Could the alcoholism be completely to blame or do you think she just has blinders on?

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there and thank you for your question. My first thought is, "Well, of course he is still codependent, it's only been a month." I am a huge fan of Veteran's courts, family drug courts, and other alternative sentencing and recovery programs. Given that he is a veteran, I am wondering if his experiences in the military are also impacting his behavior That seems likely to me. It sounds like your daughter is attending to her own needs and I urge you to simply support her and her family as this is indeed a long process and there are likely many changes yet to come. I generally see milestones/improvements in 3 month increments after a person attains sobriety and I urge utilizing AA and NA to meet the needs that have only just begun to surface. Good luck and blessed be!

Question: What is the difference between drug abuse and drug addiction?

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there and thanks for your excellent question. Drug abuse is a strange term - people don't abuse drugs - drugs are inanimate objects. We abuse our bodies and minds with drugs. When we continue to abuse them we run the risk of developing dependence. We experience negative consequences as we continue to use and this is the hallmark of addiction - no matter the cost to our lives and to those we love, we continue to use. Most of us maintain the illusion that we can continue to abuse addictive substances without becoming addicted. Experimentation is possible but repeated use leads inevitably in this direction

Question: I have a daughter 25 who is 30 weeks pregnant and addicted to heroine, she is currently in jail for theft and missed her court appointments...Im working with an interventionalist who is also trying to find a place for her to go to rehab, nobody will take her because of how far along she is in her pregnancy, she has Medicaid for insurance..please help me

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Thank you for writing to me - my heart goes out to you. The road ahead will be very hard for all concerned. Not knowing the geographical location you're in my best guidance is to contact local hospitals and your interventionist should be more than capable of locating resources (I expect they are very few).

My prediction would be that change will occur when your daughter gives birth. As heart breaking as this is, the systems that have failed to help her to this point will become involved when she becomes a mom. My prayer for you and yours is that this life changing event results in treatment and change. Please take all th serenity you can in knowing that you are doing everything you can. Blessed be, Jim

Question: Hi Jim, I'm an LCSW currently working at a Substance Abuse agency. My question to you is: what are your thoughts regarding counselors talking about their own addiction history in groups with clients? thanks!

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there and thank you for your excellent question! I use a lot of self disclosure in working with addictions clients and trauma survivors. The reasons for this are:

- Hope that my experience, strength, and hope might be beneficial

- Acknowledgement of the simple truth that my clients are incredibly intuitive and can read me like a book anyway.

- It makes me more real and more connected

I practice therapy with a lot of vulnerability and no persona. The only real safeguard against self disclosure is consideration of whose needs are being met. I am a more private version of me when I'm working but I am an advocate for being real, making connections, and taking risks. I wish you the very best and if I can be of service please do not hesitate to contact me!

Best,

Jim

Question: I have many demons to battle such as depression, Alcoholism, and Anxiety. I am 3 days sober after drinking hard cider on Sunday. I have gone to an AA meeting every day but I am so anxiety filled that I cannot concentrate at meetings on what is being said because I am so worried about everything. There is no way I can speak out too so I always feel like I didn’t really participate in it like I am supposed to and I am not getting anything out of it. should I give up on AA???

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi There! Thanks for your question - it's one I get asked a LOT and I'm so glad you brought it up!

Social anxiety and feeling like you don't belong in the halls of AA is extremely common. Virtually everyone feels this way at first. Just showing up, just sitting and being it the company of people who are working hard not to drink is a huge success. The more you do it - I promise - the easier it gets. If you glean one thing from meetings - it can be this - the program works. That's why so many good people are there, sharing their experience, strength, and hope. 3 days is a fantastic start. Just keep showing up - Woody Allen was right, "80% of success in life is showing up."

Question: Is a halfway house a good idea for daughter, even if it is far from home? My daughter is in rehab for drug addiction and is also bipolar. She does not want to come home right away because of triggers/friends in area. She is looking into a halfway house about 3 hours from home. Is this something that is recommended for successful aftercare?

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Thank you for your excellent question. The short answer is yes, yes, yes! Halfway Houses are a great support that affords additional accountability and structure for those who are leaving rehab or otherwise in transition. I hear loud and clear through your questions that you want to be supportive and want what's best for your daughter. Please consider this a short term investment that has the potential to pay off in spades. Transitions and changes are hard for all of us - in the context of Recovery they are precarious. This kind of planning is beneficial and please keep in mind she will need lots of support when she moves from one part of her recovery to another. Good luck and blessed be!

Question: I am an 18 year old alcoholic and drug addict. I am going to the University of Minnesota this year for Ag science. I almost blew my scholarship after I had a stress breakdown but my guidance counselors smoothed things over and I was able to graduate normally even though I was suspended for drugs in May. My 720/730/760 SATs help me out of a lot of sticky situations… I am going to live in the dorm. They have this welcome week that is supposed to be a big party. I am not sure how I am going to fit in being the guy who can’t party. Should I just tell everyone I am an alcoholic and drug addict or should I only tell people after I get to know them? Should I skip the welcome week? I am worried that I won’t make any friends unless I go out to social events but I am nervous about staying sober. I was going to AA but in my town this means a bunch of people that don’t have a lot of post secondary experience. They say I am not ready for to go away from home - this from a bunch of guys who never left home ever (good guys though). I am worried that they are right but I am not missing my chance.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Wow - thanks so much for writing - your questions are on point and you're wise to be concerned. Your friends in AA are seeing that you're in a precarious place and that this transition is filled with pitfalls. Ok - so yeah, you're going to college no matter what and good for you! Should you avoid events and socializing that involves partying? Hells yes, you should avoid it like the plague. There are plenty of ways to meet new friends on campus. I'm not gonna sugar coat it - yes, most of them willl be drinking and drugging. Dorm life for those who don't use can be kinda tough - but as hard as that is, it's nothing compared to what addiction can do to your life. I know you know that but it's still a tough thing to accept.

Skip the parties - but get involved in stuff. Hobbies, clubs, causes, intramural sports, organizations - colleges are filled with young people who are trying to discover their true selves and they're seeking outlets to express themselves. Be around people who have similar interests academically and socially and get yourself to local AA meetings immediately.

Find out if your campus has an AA or NA meeting on site (lots of colleges do). If they don't - consider starting one. Get together with people on campus whose job it is to educate and bring attention to the dangers of college partying.

Look - don't take for granted what your guidance counselor did for you - you dodged a bullet but you're not a cat and you don't have 9 lives. Work your ass off, meet quality people and keep investing in yourself!