Question: My partner dumped me while he was in rehab. We were together for 5 years, and had bought a house together. His drinking became so out of control that he finally ended up in jail, leaving me saddled with a huge mortgage. His treatment coincided with me selling the house for a loss, nearly losing everything. Of course I was furious at him, especially since I felt he wasn't particularly sympathetic to my worries. After a phone call in which he blamed me for not handling the finances better, I told him I needed him to leave me alone for a while. I figured he was on all sorts of meds, and I couldn't handle him being crazy at me when I was already under so much pressure. He called often over the following 8 weeks, but it wasn't until I was settled in my new flat that I finally answered. That's when he said he wanted to see other people. I haven't been able to get a good explanation from him, apart from that he simply wants a fresh start. We exchanged a few text messages since then. He said he still loves me to bits, but kept repeating that he needs different things from different people, we'll never be right for each other, he's worried if he goes back to same as before then it will be the same as before, etc. The last message I sent asked him if he really thinks I would be a bad influence on him, and explained that I was worried he's making an unhealthy decision about me. He never replied, and I haven't heard from him since. Is it common for people in recovery to abandon their partners like this? It seems very cruel to me, especially since I'm left still picking up the pieces, while he runs off to start his new life. Or is this a sign he might be on the way towards relapse? I know you can't predict the future, but any insight would be much appreciated.

Jill Edwards Says...:

It is not uncommon for people in rehab to feel that they have to make very big changes and to feel that all of their past life needs to go. It is also true that they may find it difficult to face the way they have treated their partners and want to escape the difficult task of rebuilding the relationship on a different foundation of trust. They may also feel that an ex-partner, someone who has had to deal with their irrational behaviour would be still trying to control or organize their life. As you rightly point out at the time of his inititial contacts with you his brain in still recovering from taking in alcohol and people often see things in very black and white terms. At this point in time people are very vulnerable and often they take up new relationships with a dependency which replaces their dependency of alcohol.

I am sure none of this makes easy reading and I am sorry that things have been so difficult for you personally. I would strongly suggest that you contact and attend Al-Anon and get some support for yourself, it takes some time for you to work through what has happened to you and you deserve that support. Your position is a difficult one to work from and they can help you to establish yourself independently, which is the most helpful place you can be in for your partner. I am in admiration for the way you have sorted things out for yourself and I think that in the current situation, maintaining a balanced life style, that is one in which you keep your own life safe and supportive for you in whatever you like to do is essential. His head may go all over the place, people often say that the first year of sobriety is usually far from sane but it is the first step in the right direction.

I see no particular sign of relapse, but it is true that for him actually it would be better not to start new relationships as they do often trigger a relapse. But at this point, your responsibility is to yourself, to putting yourself first, looking after yourself, building your own life which has been so difficult. He will have to handle himself and be responsible for his own sobriety or relapse. He has his own support group and you will benefit a lot from having a support group of your own too.

Best wishes

Jill Edwards

Question: I quit smoking weed over 7 weeks ago and though most of the withdrawal symptoms are gone now my sleep is still really screwed up. I have a lot of trouble falling asleep and when I do get to sleep my sleep is really light and restless and I have these disturbing and very realistic dreams that wake me up and leave me feeling unsettled. I am maybe having a bit of an improvement in sleep over the last couple of weeks or so but from everything I read on the internet marijuana withdrawal symptoms are only supposed to last for a week or so. When can I expect my sleep to get back to normal?

Jill Edwards Says...:

So sorry, I did not get back earlier. Congratulations on getting through the first 7 weeks, well 9 to 10 now. There is evidence that weed stays in the system for at least a month, so I am not surprised that you are still experiencing sleep problems. It does sound to me that these dream states are following after weed use, but you would know for yourself if the dream states related to traumatic or disturbing events in your life. If this is the case then you would need to do some work to re-integrate these experiences.

All the drugs that calm you down tend to affect sleep patterns. It is worth knowing that not everyone sleeps 8 hours a night and that variations will not do you any harm. People often underestimate the effort needed to re-construct a life after using substances. I would suggest that you get busy living, focusing on an active life, with plenty of exercise, a fairly regular pattern of getting to bed and getting up (that means not going to sleep in the day if you have not slept at night). If there are underlying emotional distresses, which predated using weed then you will need to address these.

You say there is already improvement and you can expect that improvement to continue. As I said it will help to focus on getting on with living rather than the slow improvement of the sleeping patterns. Best of luck.

If you would like to work with me by e-mail and telephone then phone 0117 9393240 or visit my website at invitationtotalk.co.uk

Question: I am worried that being in recovery has turned me into a really boring person. I always had the crazy story from the night before, I was always the one that kept the party going and I was the one friends called when they really wanted to let loose. Now I'm 6 months sober and I don't ever have any funny stories to tell about the night before and nobody really calls me anymore since I don't know what to do with anyone now that they can still drink and I can't. The depressing thing is that I don't know how much of the fun popular guy I was was just the alcohol and how much was actually me. I can't take another awkward night with friends trying not to drink on my behalf and I can't take many more weekend nights sitting alone watching sport center either. I guess I am looking for reassurance that this is going to get better or that this is normal? I have no one to talk about this with as talking about 'my recovery' seems to bore my friends more than anything else.

Jill Edwards Says...:

anonymous

Thank you for posting about how you are feeling and for your courage and perseverance with your recovery. You are right recovery is about more than not drinking and it seems that in order to shut down your drinking you have shut down the part of you that wanted to have fun. Everyone likes to have fun and to laugh with friends and I would like you to look forwards to this in your recovery. I need to check out with you though, why it was that you had to be the wildest part of the party, because some people who are actually shy, get involved in this way in order to get attention and feel accepted as part of the group. On the other hand it may just have been "Mr Alcohol" making sure that you got lots to drink. If it is shyness and alcohol that fuelled your party, then you now have the opportunity to rebuild your self confidence and learn to be the person you want to be without alcohol. Socially, I know that lots of people have found a safe way of making friends and having a social life in early recovery by joining Alcoholics Anonymous and seeing friends from there. It is quite right that you cannot continue seeing friends who are really involved in heavy drinking and socialising in that way. I think you have done really well to stay sober this six months long, now it is time to start thinking about what you want for your life as a whole and start being active in doing things that interest you. There may be courses you can start at this time of the year or activities going on locally. There are lots of people like your self, who would be pleased to have a friendly word and some company. It is pretty worth while learning to be a good friend to someone else. Get active, even if it is just re-decorating the house. The more you are doing, the more you will have things to talk about that you are really proud of. You are doing the right things, do not let "Mr Alcohol" tell you that your life is boring and that you should go back to drinking. Check out with yourself whether you want to be the person who was the idiot from the night before.

I wish you well. If you would like to contact me on 01179393240 (in the UK), I can work with you via telephone and e-mail. My website is on www.invitationtotalk.co.uk.