Question: I am 33 and I am done with a 12 year heroin addiction. I missed my youth. All my old friends are getting married and having kids and theres no way I am ready for that. I feel like I am 20 inside an old body. Do I just forget about that part of my life and pretend like I am middle aged or should I go back and live like a college student now?

Jennifer Hamilton Says...:

There is no "right" way to live once you stop using and begin recovery. You are most likely EXACTLY right when you say that you are not ready for those steps in your life. You need to determine who you are as a drug free person. You will be completing developmental tasks that would normally have been completed during the years you were using, the good news is, they will go MUCH faster now especially if you work a program such as the 12 steps or seek out other ways to develop your sense of self outside of the use of heroin. It may be helpful to seek guidance from a counselor who will guide you in this process.

Question: Is there any rule about ending relationships in early recovery? I know that people in recovery aren’t really advised to start romantic relationships but I was just wondering if the same thing held true about not ending them. The thing for me is I am 5 weeks clean from a very long and very heavy marijuana habit. It was very tough but it is getting easier and honestly I am feeling better now than I have for a long time. I think now that I am looking at my life through less clouded eyes I am seeing that a lot of what I thought was good for me was just stuff that I had built around me that wouldn’t interfere too much with my getting high every day; like my hot but not very challenging girlfriend. I thought we had a great relationship but now that I actually want get out of the house and do things I am finding that she is kind of limiting. She was great for someone to keep me company while I was high and to have sex with but I am not sure that there is much more to us than that; which is very sad since we have been living together for more than 4 years. I feel like there is nothing I can’t do right now and I just want to make up for all the time I have been wasting. I realize I sound like kind of a jerk and she was really helpful in helping me kick but is it ever a good reason to stay with someone just because they have been nice to you in the past if it is not working in the present? IS there any reason why my recently quitting pot would be clouding my judgment here?

Jennifer Hamilton Says...:

Well, your assessment that your thinking is probably less clouded and clearer than ever is probably true.  Rule of thumb is do not make any major life changing decisions early in recovery that you can put off a while, six months if possible, to give your brain time for the fog to lift.  I would suggest you "play the tape out to the end" and use your newly functioning pre-frontal lobe to think both scenarios through to their conclusion, both leaving her and staying and see what clarity you gain from that.  Have you tried communicating with her?  Was she a user too?  Sometimes we grow at a different pace than our partner and seem to "outgrow" them.  Maybe she deserves a chance since she has been there for you or at least for you to give it to her straight.  Just my opinion! 

Question: I am one month sober from alcohol. I have always been a huge NFL fan but watching football games is something I would always do with beer and now even the thought of a game gets me craving. My sponsor says I just have to stop thinking about it and that it will be a while before I am ready to put myself in front of that kind of temptation again. It’s killing me to be missing the season. Is there any way I can learn to watch again a little quicker without having it become a relapse trigger for me?

Jennifer Hamilton Says...:

First of all, if you have a good sponsor, you need to learn to trust and listen to your sponsor.  That is a process in and of itself to turn over our self will to the care of someone else and not try to "fix it" ourselves.  Craving is a neurological function that is designed to keep you alive, therefore, it is VERY powerful.  It does not respond well to simply using thought stopping.  I feel for you greatly because when you love something, like football, it can be tortuous to choose to give it up.  I do want you to recognize though that you have a choice.  No one can make you not watch football.  You are choosing to not watch because as you said "now even the thought of a game gets me craving".  I think you answered your own question with that statement.  A good counselor can teach you some anti-craving techniques, but in comparison to the freedom you will gain from long-term sobriety, I believe choosing to watch a game this early in your recovery, even using these tecniques would be risky.  Sorry.  I know that wasn't the answer you were hoping for.  You will be able to do it later.  Right now your brain needs more time to not have that which it craves (alcohol).  Allow it to adjust to this new state of not using the alcohol.  Think of this as a consequence of your use.  It has allowed something you would love anyway to become intricately entangled with something your brain now thinks it needs to survive, making it difficult to do the one without the other.  I hope I didn't overwhelm you with information!

Question: The cult thing of AA kind of weirds me out. I know there are some different options and I’m in NYC so I’ve got the pick of pretty much anything. Can you recommend a non ‘higher power’ and ‘powerlessness’ driven support group like AA that works well. Some I have seen are moderation management, rational recovery, SOS and a few others…I have a problem with alcohol. Is any better than any other?

Jennifer Hamilton Says...:

I really like Rational Recovery, but I would recommend that you take an eclectic approach to recovery.  By eclectic, I mean do not just use a 12 step program, but find a professional you trust and get some guidance.  If you will refer to the Buddhist Meditation question I answered, you will see some areas that also need to be addressed to increase your chances of a lasting recovery.

Have you been to AA before?  I do not view it as "cult like" myself.  What is it that gives you that feeling?  That may be there for many of the self-help models.  We call the togetherness "fellowship" and it has been proven to work scientifically.  The power of the group was found to be more powerful than the instinct to live (i.e. drink water).  The area of the brain effected by alcohol is the survival center, so essentially, we are convincing ourselves to not drink when the brain tells us we need it to survive.  The power of the group in AA or other self-help models can be essential in overcoming this urge.  

Question: My sister has had drug and alcohol problems for a very long time. Now she is working with a Buddhist meditation teacher instead of going to NA and AA meetings like she has done in the past. Is this reasonable? I have no great expectations that she will manage to stay clean forever, relapse is part of the disease, but I do want her to work at her recovery responsibly so that she can avoid relapse for as long as possible. Is Buddhist meditation as good as AA/NA for maintaining recovery?

Jennifer Hamilton Says...:

I recommend an eclectic approach that appeals to your sister and her self-awareness of what she truly needs.  The Buddhist meditation is a Mindfulness based approach that helps you become very aware of your current physical sensations, thoughts (and that you are not your thoughts or controlled by your thoughts) and keeping you in the present moment.  It is a very helpful part of recovery.  People are triggered internally and externally, recognizing this and learning not to act on it can be a key in not returning to use.  The 12 steps are extremely needed to become cognitively and "affectively" (I made that one up) aware so that the damage done due to use is acknowledged and addressed.  Self-help meetings also provide fellowship so that there are people who "get it" and will "call you on your stuff".  It would be great if she thought of it as a both/and not an either/or.  She could benefit from combining several approaches, including professional help, diet and exercise, meditation, 12 steps and meetings and taking a daily inventory.  I hope this helps!  Sorry it took me so long; my computer was on the fritz!