Question: We are trying to get our son into a wilderness program. He is currently skipping school, smoking pot and with the wrong crowd. He has been diagnosed with ADD and depression. The friends he is with are no good and the so called girlfriend isn't either. How do I know he won't go back to these kids after he is in the program. They all go to the same school. I want him to make the right decisions and go back to his old friends and habits.

Rev. Christopher Smith Says...:

Parents tend to want to look out for their children, to make things go well for them and to keep them away from trouble (especially problems the parent did not like experiencing). Unfortunately, the reality is that children are independent thinkers and actors. Parents can influence their children but there are limitations about what a parent can make a child do or feel. They are independent people and you r goal hopefully is to have them grown and develop so they can be on their own. That being said and not knowing all of the specifics of your case, there are two other areas I want to respond to in what you are saying.The first of these is the wilderness program. There are many versions of these and they serve different purposes. In situation such as you describe, some of them will be good at helping him feel a sense of accomplishment (and hopefully increased self esteem) as well as what it is like to work in a positive team. These have the possibility of giving him something he can rely on when he is looking for things after the program. Even if the program has the right sort of people in it and are able to provide a drug free environment, most wilderness programs will only provide a break from some of the actions you are hoping to get him away from. The real challenge comes in forming new habits and most wilderness programs are not long enough to truly integrate a new habit. Even if it was, this could also pose other challenges depending on his comfort being outdoors and being away for so long. It is important to go into the experience with a realistic understanding of what it can and cannot provide.The other area is about his friend selection. There are some things you can do to limit contact with people you consider to be a bad influence, but this can backfire and have the opposite effect. Even if you blocked all contact, you still are not able to change his choice of friends. Talking about the reasons behind your judgement of his friends is far more productive than simply providing judgement. Of course, this needs to be a true conversation and you need to understand what he sees in them too. Why did his friends change? Were his old friends really as good as you think or were they just not the "bad crowd"? Have his current "bad" friends been supportive of him when other people have tried to avoid him because of the depression or ADD? In fact, has the ADD caused him to be labeled by others as similar to the "bad" kids so that an affinity is created between him and them? Beyond considering the reality of his friends, there is also the possibility to help him differentiate his friendships and his actions, but this is harder at his age.Remember in all of it what is in your control. Remember that sometimes the lesson is really learned only when the heat of the firs is felt rather then just described. These years can be tough, but it is possible to find wholeness and peace within your situation, both now and in the future it leads to.

Question: My 15 year old daughter says she hates me and she acts like she does too. I have tried everything I can think of to repair the damage in our relationship. She refuses to go to counseling with me. She refuses to go on fun outings with me. She refuses to have a normal conversation with me. I don’t know how to start. I also have no idea why she is so angry at me. She acts like I did something really terrible to her but whatever that was I have no idea. Her attitude toward me started changing when she was 13 and now it is really the worst. Thankfully she is not in trouble with drinking or drugs or boys or anything like that. She is causing me a lot of pain. I am a single mom and I try to stay strong but I cry at night when I think about the horrible things she says to me. I think she is in pain too but if she won’t talk to me how can I help her?

Rev. Christopher Smith Says...:

To begin with, I would suggest that you review an article that I have posted here called, "What To Do When Your Teen Child Hates You" (http://www.choosehelp.com/topics/parenting-family-therapy/my-son-is-now-a-teen-2013-how-parenting-changes). It deals with a situation actually worse than the one you describe, yet the article should give you some things to think about.

There are lots of factors that could go into her change of attitude, but this is hard to pinpoint without understanding better your background and more about the situation. It could be that this is just part of her adolescent experience. It could be that something happened or came together for her when she was 13. It could be related to something that happened in her interaction (or lack thereof) with her father. It could be that it is tied in with why and how you are single. It could be related to something that a peer said and she has taken to heart.

One thing I noticed about your list is that the focus was on you. You have tried everything you can think of, you initiated counseling that she refused, you thought up fun outings she has refused, you started normal conversations that she refused to engaged in,... I wonder what it would be like if you allowed her to drive the relationship more. What would it be like to say to her, next weekend we should do something together, could you get back to me in a couple of days with what we should do? This will put her more in control and she may even call your bluff on an activity idea.

Another aspect that can work well with teenagers is not to back them in to yes-no choices. These often make losing solutions the answer. Better is to think of several responses, all that you can live with, that you then let her chose among. Whatever she picks, you win; whatever she picks, she has felt more in control.

With work, it is possible to find wholeness and peace within this situation. To do so, you might seek out a counselor that can help guide you and give you a place to explore how you are feeling in the situation.

Question: My 15 year old son is a punk/goth and he is obsessed with death and dying. No one he knows has died since he was a small boy and he lost his last grandparent so I do not know what has sparked this obsession. He even has saved pictures of dead people on his phone. He talks about death all the time. I thought is was just for shock value but it getting really unsettling. When I have broached the subject with him he says it is I who has the problem and that I am scared of death and it’s a normal part of life that we shouldn’t be so afraid of. This has been going on for 6 months or so. I basically think it’s just a phase that he will go through on his own but the pictures of death scare me and I am not sure if I am supposed to do something. Should I make him talk to someone about this?

Rev. Christopher Smith Says...:

An earlier response to this question seems to have not been saved - my apologies to the person with the question.

There are a number of factors that the question does not talk about that may affect the answer, so the person asking the question may want to get a consult from someone who can take those into consideration, but here are a few things to think about.

When an approximately six month time period is considered as to when the child's focus on death and dying began there were prominent stories in the news about death and dying. These stories were very powerful and affected lots of people, including many children because of the death of children being a key component. This theme is perpetuated in our news as we continue to hear of incidents over that six months that brings death to the forefront. These can be as important of an influence for a child or adolescent as the death of someone near to them. During this time, you may have asked questions about death, the meaning of life and why these people had to die. It is natural for a child or adolescent to ask the same sort of questions.

The description is of a child who you see as obsessed with death in terms of things that he does as well as in his speech. Are there any indications in any of these that your son may be having suicidal, self-harm or homicidal thoughts? These would be a concern. If he does not, what thoughts are he expressing within his speech and actions? He is of an age where children often question the spirituality and religion that they were raised within and explore spiritual questions. This could be manifest as part of this.

You describe your son as stating that you are scared of death. Is he correct? This would be natural but also will add to why this is difficult for you. There are a number of source within writings around the goth culture that speak to misunderstandings that arise when different viewpoints are projected onto the culture and people in it (see for example http://ultimategothguide.blogspot.com/2012/07/anti-goth-grant.html). If this is where the core of the issue is and he is simply exploring something developmentally, then forcing him to talk about it and labeling it as "wrong" or "abnormal" could be harmful. If the obsession has harmful elements within it, it could be helpful for him to talk with someone. Another first step, might be for you to have someone you can talk to who will be able to guide you about the difficult challenges that come with parenting and who may be able to help you with your interactions in your family.

The good news is that in the midst of this, it is possible to move forward so that you and him both experience a new sense of wholeness and peace.

Question: My wife and I are considering separating but we are still trying to salvage our marriage. We still love each other but living together is becoming impossible. Everyday it feels like walking into a minefield and you never know when the explosion was coming. We have three daughters under 13 and it’s been really hard for them. We are actually talking about separating now because our eldest daughter started acting out in class and getting into trouble like smoking. We think her sudden behavior problems are occurring because of all the problems and tension at home. She pretty much admitted as much. She says she can’t take it anymore. So we are thinking about trying to restore some peace at home while we tried to resolve our differences. Does this make sense? Do you think this will make it easier on the children? I don’t know what is worse; no dad at home or mom and dad fighting everyday. We have decided to get marriage counseling. We should have done this sooner. Since our kids are affected how involved should they be our marriage counseling?

Rev. Christopher Smith Says...:

There are times when a separation can be helpful in providing the space necessary to heal the wounds in a relationship that will allow a marriage to not only survive but flourish. There are also times when a separation makes it easier for a couple to continue separating, making the arrangement permanent and even leading to divorce. Having an understanding of where each of you are at and how each of you are likely to react is important before entering into a separation. As you are already moving forward on marriage counseling, your marriage therapist can help you understand these dimensions. Likewise, a licensed marriage and family therapist as a mental health professional will be able to guide you on the other questions much better as they will be able to explore relevant aspects of your situation that can affect answers to your questions.

That being said, two areas you raised are important areas to speak to, in general. The first is about your eldest daughter's behavior. The other is about the kids being involved in marriage counseling.

In terms of your daughter's behavior, and that she is your eldest, you will want to take into account the normal developmental stages she may be going to. As a pre-teen/teenager, regardless of the conflict parents are having, behavioral challenges can occur. It is also an age where children criticize what is going on at the home - in your case the conflict but in other cases the calm. It is certainly possible that the conflict i the home has exacerbated things for her, but careful looking at the situation (either by a qualified mental health professional, by the school counselor or even perhaps by yourself) will likely show that there are other factors that are involved. Similarly, there may be other factors to be involved in the situation such as her own image of herself, peer relationships or longer family histories. If she is acting out in class, what are the school counselors saying? What is the history of smoking in the family and how has it been talked about? At the same time, the home environment also needs to be looked at. Does she feel like she is walking on eggshells? Does she get pulled into the conflicts between her parents? Does she overhear you arguing about how to handle the problems she is involved with? There are a lot of questions to explore before deciding whether it makes sense to create peace at home to help your daughter even before you get to the question of how the current situation compares to being in a one parent home or being split between parents.

Again, seeking marriage counseling is an important step and one which you have already elected to take. It is only one of the types of counseling that may be needed in this situation. The others are individual counseling, family counseling and group counseling. The least likely of these is group counseling but there might be an appropriate group, such as on parenting a pre-teen, that can be recommended for you. Individual counseling may be appropriate for you, your wife and/or one or more of your daughters. There are times that I have been doing marriage counseling and it became apparent that there was something that one or both of the partners needed to work on individually in order to help in working on the marriage. If that is the case, understand that the individual work can make the work on the marriage go much more easily or at least be able to focus it. If this is the case, some therapists will work with the couple and individual(s) and some will refer to someone else for the individual work. Similarly, if one of your daughters is struggling, they might need another person for them to talk to and this may add not just health for them now but also for the long term. The final form is family counseling, which is where the therapist will work with the whole family as a unit and try to help bring healing, health and peace to the family. In this context, it is very appropriate to involve the kids in the counseling. Note that here the focus is on the family (whether or not the family will still live under one roof) whereas in marriage counseling the focus is on the marriage. In your situation, I would suspect that a counselor or therapist working with you may well find it appropriate to do a blend of marriage and family counseling. Some of this will come down to specifics, but your kids should probably be involved in some of it (like the family part) and you and your wife have other dimensions to work on that you need to be able to do without the involvement of your kids.

The good news is that you are seeking help. In seeking help, everyone is ready to at least begin moving towards a solution. The journey will not necessarily be easy but you are able to find wholeness and peace through this process.