Question: should I bring my daughter from abroad now that she admit to doing drugs? she says that it was only marijuana but that recently an older male friend of her give her LSD. She didn`t like the way she felt but when she tried to tell her friend that she rather not have any contact with him he made her feel bad about it and told her she was overreacting, she accepted keep seeing him, I'm afraid of the influence of the guy in her because she is alone there.

James Cloughley Says...:

Thank you for the question. WIthout knowing anymore than what you have mentioned I cna't give youa definitive answer. However, you know her better than most so you need to ask yourself:

1. Is she reaching out for help?

2. Is she asking you to bring her home?

3. Is she looking to help herself when she gets home and if so what will that help be?

4. Does she recognize that she has a problem with drugs?

5. Anytime someone reaches out it means that they are reaching a crisis point of some kind--

6. As a parent I would be concerned about the influence this 'friend' has over her.

7. What do your instincts tell you?

8. If she is just beginning to experiment with this drug or 'just marijuana' marijuana is also a drug -there are no good ones and not so good ones. If it were my child I would bring her home ASAP. However, this is not my child she is your child and you have to make the decision--I cannot make that call for you.

9. I'll leave you with this thought. It it better for you and your daughter for you to act on the side of caution-if so then do what you know you need to do for her.

I hope this is helpful to you and please continue to reach out to us for help--you need to know that you are not alone in this-there is help and support out there for you too.

All the best, James

Question: We are trying to get our son into a wilderness program. He is currently skipping school, smoking pot and with the wrong crowd. He has been diagnosed with ADD and depression. The friends he is with are no good and the so called girlfriend isn't either. How do I know he won't go back to these kids after he is in the program. They all go to the same school. I want him to make the right decisions and go back to his old friends and habits.

Rev. Christopher Smith Says...:

Parents tend to want to look out for their children, to make things go well for them and to keep them away from trouble (especially problems the parent did not like experiencing). Unfortunately, the reality is that children are independent thinkers and actors. Parents can influence their children but there are limitations about what a parent can make a child do or feel. They are independent people and you r goal hopefully is to have them grown and develop so they can be on their own. That being said and not knowing all of the specifics of your case, there are two other areas I want to respond to in what you are saying.The first of these is the wilderness program. There are many versions of these and they serve different purposes. In situation such as you describe, some of them will be good at helping him feel a sense of accomplishment (and hopefully increased self esteem) as well as what it is like to work in a positive team. These have the possibility of giving him something he can rely on when he is looking for things after the program. Even if the program has the right sort of people in it and are able to provide a drug free environment, most wilderness programs will only provide a break from some of the actions you are hoping to get him away from. The real challenge comes in forming new habits and most wilderness programs are not long enough to truly integrate a new habit. Even if it was, this could also pose other challenges depending on his comfort being outdoors and being away for so long. It is important to go into the experience with a realistic understanding of what it can and cannot provide.The other area is about his friend selection. There are some things you can do to limit contact with people you consider to be a bad influence, but this can backfire and have the opposite effect. Even if you blocked all contact, you still are not able to change his choice of friends. Talking about the reasons behind your judgement of his friends is far more productive than simply providing judgement. Of course, this needs to be a true conversation and you need to understand what he sees in them too. Why did his friends change? Were his old friends really as good as you think or were they just not the "bad crowd"? Have his current "bad" friends been supportive of him when other people have tried to avoid him because of the depression or ADD? In fact, has the ADD caused him to be labeled by others as similar to the "bad" kids so that an affinity is created between him and them? Beyond considering the reality of his friends, there is also the possibility to help him differentiate his friendships and his actions, but this is harder at his age.Remember in all of it what is in your control. Remember that sometimes the lesson is really learned only when the heat of the firs is felt rather then just described. These years can be tough, but it is possible to find wholeness and peace within your situation, both now and in the future it leads to.

Question: I am checking in to a rehab next week and I am terrified but I am also relieved that is going to be over soon. I am an opiate addict and I have tried everything to stop and I cant. My 9 year old daughter lives with her mom and I normally take her on two day activities a week and I am supposed to be in rehab and sober living for 3 months or maybe even longer. Should I tell her the truth about where I am going? I have always kept my addiction a secret from her and she has no idea. If she learns that her daddy is a drug addict will this be bad for her? If I don’t tell her the truth then I cant see her for 3 months since she can visit on the weekends but she will obviously figure things out if she comes to the rehab to see me. I am torn about what to do. My exwife says it is up to me but she doesn’t think it is a good idea for our daughter to know since she is almost a teenager and she needs to respect me as a father and role model.

Rebecca Ashton Says...:

Thank you for your question and well done for taking positive action with your addiction.

As I do not know your daughter, I cannot comment on how she would take the news and what her level of understanding might be. I hear what your ex wife is saying about the need for your daughter to respect you as both a father and a role model, but on the other hand, I wonder how your daughter would feel if she found out about this from someone else?

It is possible that this experience could be used as a learning opportunity for your daughter; a chance to educate her about the risks and pitfalls of addiction. It is possible that it could even bring you closer,  but as I say, only you can decide. I think it also depends on whether your daughter is a 'young' nine year old or a more mature nine year old.

I think that it could be helpful to speak to the people supporting you in rehab about this. It would be an opportunity to discuss this in a more in depth way and they may have suggestions and strategies for how you can go about this. You may even find additional support and suggestions from other people on the programme.

I wish you the best of luck for the future.

Question: I am pretty worried that my kids might follow in my footsteps into addiction and alcoholism. They are only 8 and 10 now but they had a messed up childhood living with me. I will not get into all the details but they saw a lot of stuff they never should have seen and they did not have me around a lot of the times when I should have been around. I am 6 months clean and sober from all drugs and alcohol. Besides staying sober is there anything I can do to undo the damage from their whole life of living with addiction?

Isaac Sochaczewski, LMHC Says...:

I can understand your concern for your children's future. You reaching out to find what can be done to help your children is definitely a big first step on your road to recovery and one hopefully your children can appreciate when they get older. For now, the best thing you can do for them, and more importantly for yourself is to gather all the resources you have to help you stay clean and sober. You mentioned undoing the damage that was done. As someone on the road to recovery you know you can not undo the damage. I recognize it's painful to see the damage you may have caused and how it effects the one's you love. However, you know for yourself if you were able to undo the damage that you have caused or the damage others have caused you then your greater self would never have been be discovered (the person who you now can learn to be and love to be). Simply put, the damage was done. That being said, it can be so helpful for your children to work through the damage whether it be emotional, physical, financial, or other. I would strongly suggest therapy as a safe space for them to begin to open up and talk about their concerns and inner feelings. Play therapy is a type of therapy used for younger children and can be very effective. If they have gone through a lot as you put it, therapy will help them address it and work through it. I hope this is helpful and please don't hesitate to call if you have any further questions.

Have a wonderful and meaningful day!

Isaac Sochaczewski, LMHC

Question: Dr. Hilber. When is it time to send a child away from the home? Our daughter who is 14 years old and is verbally abusive and increasingly violent to myself and my wife. She is an only child. I am confused because she does not have any behavior problems at school or at soccer but then she is a devil at home and It is getting so bad that I don’t always feel safe when we go to bed while she is still raging in her room after we have punished her. We are trying to maintain a unified front and disciplining her for her outbursts and letting her face the natural consequences of her actions but it just doesn’t seem to be helping. We have talked to the counselor at her school but she was dissmisive of our concerns because she does not see what we see. I am exhausted with her. I feel so sorry for her when she suffers from what she does after the fact but in the heat of the moment she is really an unlovable person who just wants to cause my wife and I as much emotional pain as she possible can. Should we consider a behavior problem boarding school? We are honestly scared of her.

Dr. Tanya Hilber Says...:

Safety is always first. If you don't feel safe or your don't think you can keep your daughter safe, you may call 911 and the professionals can help you. If it's not a safety issue, then counseling would be helpful for your daughter and your family. It doesn't sound like she has behavioral problems at other places besides home, indicating that there can be some work done at home. 

Also, remember that people want to hurt others when they are hurting themselves. The point is to have others "understand" what they feel like. Unfortunately, each person is different and cannot fully understand the exact way they feel. Remembering this is helpful so discipline can be consistent and expectations are set as standards.

Let me remind you of this site's disclaimer and that this is not professional advice. I would suggest that you do seek professional advice from a therapist or psychologist to make your next decision. It's great that you're seeking out assistance!

Question: Is my son going to have psychological trauma if he is breastfed past the age of 4? He is 4 years old and 5 months. I am asking this in regards to my sons mom and my ex wife who is insisting on continuing to breast feed for health reasons. She doesn’t do it out in the open anymore but she will still do it around other family members and it is very hard to take. I am worried that it cannot be OK if you can remember feeding off your mothers breasts when you are an adult or a teenager.

Dr. Mark Abrahams Says...:

By the time a child reaches 5 years of age and begins kindergarten, [s]he best be weaned from breast-feeding and toilet trained. He is going to begin a socialization process in school, and if his peers discover that he is still breast-feeding, there are going to be consequences that will follow him through grade school, and possibly beyond. Bullying can most definitely be traumatic, even at a very early age! I cannot stress this strongly enough. I happen to have recently re-connected with someone whom I was friends with as a young child. He is a psychologist today. But I remember teasing him myself when he ate lunch at my house and requested that my mother warm his milk at age 5 or 6!

The immune system of your son is no longer in need of antibodies from his mother's milk. The further concern is that your ex-wife refuses to relinquish a stage of her maternal process, and is exploiting your son to meet her own unhealthy emotional needs. From a psychosexual (Freudian) perspective, he is way past the Oral Stage, past the Anal Stage, and he should be into the Phallic Stage (age 3-6), where the Oedipal Complex develops. Here, the male child wants to possess the mother in competition with the father. If the father is absent, an emotional competition is believed to have been won by the child, but as the genitals are the dominant erogenous zone in the Phallic Stage (little boys do touch themselves, and experience erections and genital pleasure), it obviously is not a healthy connection to have with his mother's breasts. This can set the stage for all manner of  psychosexual adjustment problems after he passes through the next Latency Stage and into the Genital Stage beginning with adolescence.

I did not want to lay a bunch of psychobabble on you, but your son needs to be weaned ASAP for all the above reasons. Moreover, someone whom your son's mother trusts, an older female and mother ideally, should have a serious talk with her. I would further urge that your son's mother consider counseling on this matter from a mental health professional.

Question: What’s an appropriate amount of computer time each day for a 13 year old and an 11 year old? Mostly they want to be on the internet or playing games on the computer – not so much watching TV.

Milena Colyer Says...:

Thank you for your question and let me say, I do not believe
there is a set number of minutes or hours that can prove to be the correct
answer for all 11 and 13 year old children. Before I begin to suggest an answer, I
would like to share some facts about video games and the positive and negative
effects video games can have on the brain.

Positive Effects: Several
studies have shown that playing Action games can enhance low-level vision,
visual attention, speed of processing, task-switching, decision making, and statistical
inference. Daphne Bavelier & C. Shawn Green have published studies
demonstrating that video games are beneficial in rehabilitative training and in
the training of surgeons, and other skilled positions that require great levels
of concentration.

Negative Effects: While
video games improve one’s ability to process and switch tasks in a fast-pace
situation, there are recent studies that suggest that the games have an
opposite effect on one’s ability to maintain focus on slowly evolving
information, such as lessons being taught in the classroom. Furthermore, over
use of games can increase anti-social behaviors, aggressiveness, and reduce
empathy. Several studies have displayed the increased ADHD-like symptoms long
periods of game-playing causes (See publication by Michael M. Merzenich).

In reference to online computer games, another researcher
made this statement, “Early studies on internet addiction (involving game
playing) reported altered social behavior, increased aggression, loneliness,
reduced attention, and depressed mood…,” “Recent studies have also reported
relatively high rates of co-morbid psychiatric illness in people with internet
addiction, including major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, ADHD, and
anxiety spectrum disorder (See published articles by Doug Hyun Han & Perry
F. Renshaw).

A Statistic to
consider: 1 in 5 gamers meet the criteria to be considered “addicted”

In summary: I cannot
give you a set number of appropriate hours that should be considered okay. I can suggest that you take the
opportunity to explore when and how often they are gaming. What isn’t being
done while gaming? Are there responsibilities not being met? Are there
relationships not being nurtured? Is there studying, reading, or personal
growth time that is being thrown away?

Leisure is meant to be enjoyable and gaming is a leisure,
but like all things, gaming should be indulged in moderation. Merzinich said it
best when he stated, “...it should be noted that the daily time spent playing
video games in school-age children has been shown to be inversely correlated with
academic achievement, arguably because time spent playing video games is time
stolen from reading and curriculum-related academic study.”

I suppose my answer to your question is: If the gaming is
taking away from their social relationship, academic studies, personal responsibilities,
or general ability to experience life’s rewards, they may be playing too much
and are likely indulging an addiction and that needs attention. However, if
after a long week of being responsible they like to use a chunk of free-time to
indulge in some gaming, what the heck… let them enjoy!

Question: My 15 year old daughter says she hates me and she acts like she does too. I have tried everything I can think of to repair the damage in our relationship. She refuses to go to counseling with me. She refuses to go on fun outings with me. She refuses to have a normal conversation with me. I don’t know how to start. I also have no idea why she is so angry at me. She acts like I did something really terrible to her but whatever that was I have no idea. Her attitude toward me started changing when she was 13 and now it is really the worst. Thankfully she is not in trouble with drinking or drugs or boys or anything like that. She is causing me a lot of pain. I am a single mom and I try to stay strong but I cry at night when I think about the horrible things she says to me. I think she is in pain too but if she won’t talk to me how can I help her?

Rev. Christopher Smith Says...:

To begin with, I would suggest that you review an article that I have posted here called, "What To Do When Your Teen Child Hates You" (http://www.choosehelp.com/topics/parenting-family-therapy/my-son-is-now-a-teen-2013-how-parenting-changes). It deals with a situation actually worse than the one you describe, yet the article should give you some things to think about.

There are lots of factors that could go into her change of attitude, but this is hard to pinpoint without understanding better your background and more about the situation. It could be that this is just part of her adolescent experience. It could be that something happened or came together for her when she was 13. It could be related to something that happened in her interaction (or lack thereof) with her father. It could be that it is tied in with why and how you are single. It could be related to something that a peer said and she has taken to heart.

One thing I noticed about your list is that the focus was on you. You have tried everything you can think of, you initiated counseling that she refused, you thought up fun outings she has refused, you started normal conversations that she refused to engaged in,... I wonder what it would be like if you allowed her to drive the relationship more. What would it be like to say to her, next weekend we should do something together, could you get back to me in a couple of days with what we should do? This will put her more in control and she may even call your bluff on an activity idea.

Another aspect that can work well with teenagers is not to back them in to yes-no choices. These often make losing solutions the answer. Better is to think of several responses, all that you can live with, that you then let her chose among. Whatever she picks, you win; whatever she picks, she has felt more in control.

With work, it is possible to find wholeness and peace within this situation. To do so, you might seek out a counselor that can help guide you and give you a place to explore how you are feeling in the situation.

Question: My 15 year old son is a punk/goth and he is obsessed with death and dying. No one he knows has died since he was a small boy and he lost his last grandparent so I do not know what has sparked this obsession. He even has saved pictures of dead people on his phone. He talks about death all the time. I thought is was just for shock value but it getting really unsettling. When I have broached the subject with him he says it is I who has the problem and that I am scared of death and it’s a normal part of life that we shouldn’t be so afraid of. This has been going on for 6 months or so. I basically think it’s just a phase that he will go through on his own but the pictures of death scare me and I am not sure if I am supposed to do something. Should I make him talk to someone about this?

Rev. Christopher Smith Says...:

An earlier response to this question seems to have not been saved - my apologies to the person with the question.

There are a number of factors that the question does not talk about that may affect the answer, so the person asking the question may want to get a consult from someone who can take those into consideration, but here are a few things to think about.

When an approximately six month time period is considered as to when the child's focus on death and dying began there were prominent stories in the news about death and dying. These stories were very powerful and affected lots of people, including many children because of the death of children being a key component. This theme is perpetuated in our news as we continue to hear of incidents over that six months that brings death to the forefront. These can be as important of an influence for a child or adolescent as the death of someone near to them. During this time, you may have asked questions about death, the meaning of life and why these people had to die. It is natural for a child or adolescent to ask the same sort of questions.

The description is of a child who you see as obsessed with death in terms of things that he does as well as in his speech. Are there any indications in any of these that your son may be having suicidal, self-harm or homicidal thoughts? These would be a concern. If he does not, what thoughts are he expressing within his speech and actions? He is of an age where children often question the spirituality and religion that they were raised within and explore spiritual questions. This could be manifest as part of this.

You describe your son as stating that you are scared of death. Is he correct? This would be natural but also will add to why this is difficult for you. There are a number of source within writings around the goth culture that speak to misunderstandings that arise when different viewpoints are projected onto the culture and people in it (see for example http://ultimategothguide.blogspot.com/2012/07/anti-goth-grant.html). If this is where the core of the issue is and he is simply exploring something developmentally, then forcing him to talk about it and labeling it as "wrong" or "abnormal" could be harmful. If the obsession has harmful elements within it, it could be helpful for him to talk with someone. Another first step, might be for you to have someone you can talk to who will be able to guide you about the difficult challenges that come with parenting and who may be able to help you with your interactions in your family.

The good news is that in the midst of this, it is possible to move forward so that you and him both experience a new sense of wholeness and peace.

Question: My 16 year old daughter wants to get a small tattoo. I am against it my wife has not yet agreed but she basically thinks it is OK and is holding out out of respect for my discomfort. We are separated. I have a feeling she will eventually fold to the pressure my daughter has been putting on her. Is a 16 year old old enough to make such a permanent decision?

Dr. Mark Abrahams Says...:

If you are asking whether a 16 year old is old enough to make permanent decisions, please understand that external voices of authority are not going to reflect what you already know in your heart-of-hearts. Also know that there are no "permanent" decisions. Tattoos can be removed by Laser or skin graft, but of course there will be cosmetic consequences. The laws in many places allow for certain decisions to be made by 16 year olds, but these laws often do not reflect the values of caring parents. For example, in Florida, a 16 year old can lawfully engage in sexual intercourse with someone up to the age of 23. Age 18 is required for relations with someone older than 23. But I digress. 

If your daughter's familial values, like not wanting to displease her father, are stronger than peer-based social values, she will put her tattoo on hold for the time being. Do not be surprised if she is unwilling to comply with your desire however. It is not so much disrespect for you as it is the overwhelming nature of adolescence, in which the primary focus is self-identity. Tattoos are not the same social indicators that they were in previous generations (e.g., drunken sailors on shore leave, convicts, and generally speaking, 'rough trade' individuals). Perhaps discuss the kind of tattoo with your daughter, where she wants to have it, and consequently, who she expects to see it. A tat that will prohibit elegant formal wear later in her life (e.g., plunging back gowns) should be pointed out to her, as well as visibility to conservative employers that may well prejudice them.

At the same time, this conflict is a foreshadowing of your daughter's legal emancipation at age 18, where she will not require parental permission to get tattoos and piercings. Choose your battles carefully, and determine how much 'ego' you want to put into this beyond the attention to details that I suggested above. At this point, Dad is going to have to begin to let go of his parental control. Whatever internalized respect your daughter has for her father is going to have to kick in. She may proceed against your wishes, and regret it later, but she is rapidly becoming an autonomous young adult. Express your wishes clearly, but temper your preference with a measure of detachment.