Question: What is the best way for a person that has agoraphobia and who is also an alcoholic to learn to stop drinking. I have tried online 12 steps meetings but they are not really helping.

Jill Edwards Says...:

I wish I could talk to you direct, but I will deal with the situation in broad terms and hope that some of it may be helpful.

In your position, it would seem important to stop drinking in stages, to reduce slowly, or at least to get some medication to help if you are going to stop suddenly.

You should work to change your situation in small steps, which feel manageable for you.

You need to do more activities in your house. You can choose any activities which you like. If at present you do not know what you like, then do exercises, but do them regularly, some in the morning and some in the evening.

If the weather is nice, I suggest that you sit by the door and get yourself used to this transition environment. Then progress slowly increasing the distance from the house by 10's of steps. Be sober when you are doing this.

Fundamentally, you need to experience the things that you fear, but in small manageable amounts. Together with this, you need to accept that if you want a life, if you want to live in the way you would like, then you will have to accept some of the pain of making the transition.

If there are psychological events, which have set up your situation, perhaps you can find on-line or telephone counselling that can help. That position applies to your drinking and your agoraphobia.

So spend as much time as you can thinking about what you would like to do in life. Picture what you want and proceed in small steps, accepting the fear and the pain as you go.

You may find the book. "Get out of your mind and into your life, the new acceptance and commitment therapy" useful. It is by Stephen Hayes and Spencer Smith. You can get it from Amazon.

My best wishes!

Question: My 54 year old brother falls asleep in his Lazy Boy most nights after drinking too much in front of the TV. He has been a drinker for a long time so this is not new. Lately has started sleeping with a loaded handgun right next to the chair. He says people are looking for him but he won’t say who or why. He is a nice guy and he is on a disability pension and pretty much keeps to himself so I can’t imagine who would want to hurt him. I am scared he is going to accidently hurt someone else but he won’t listen to me anymore and he has been acting really weird the last 2 months or so. He is not himself and I think there is something seriously wrong but I don’t know what to do? He is paranoid and armed and drunk. Someone is going to get hurt. What do I do?

Jill Edwards Says...:

My 54 year old brother falls asleep in his Lazy Boy most nights after drinking too much in front of the TV. He has been a drinker for a long time so this is not new. Lately has started sleeping with a loaded handgun right next to the chair. He says people are looking for him but he won’t say who or why. He is a nice guy and he is on a disability pension and pretty much keeps to himself so I can’t imagine who would want to hurt him. I am scared he is going to accidently hurt someone else but he won’t listen to me anymore and he has been acting really weird the last 2 months or so. He is not himself and I think there is something seriously wrong but I don’t know what to do? He is paranoid and armed and drunk. Someone is going to get hurt. What do I do?

I am assuming that you and your brother live in the same house, so this is an immediate problem for you. Drinking for a long time can affect mental health, or poor mental health may encourage someone to drink. It would seem that your brother suffers from drinking a lot and having some degree of confusion which has led to this fear. I would like to be sure that he is not involved secretly in taking any drugs as well, as this might increase his fears and his risks. Like you I am a little concerned about the weird behaviour of the last 2 weeks. When you say he wont listen to you, I assume that you have told him that you dont like the gun being around and he wont listen to that.

It is a difficult decision to make, in terms of action, as strong action on your part might make him more scared and more dangerous and a bigger risk to you. I think it might be useful to talk to people who know him, also other family members, and get some advice from them, see if you can get to know more of what is going on. It would be proper to consult a local doctor, preferably one who has seen him before. You also have the option to consult the local mental health professionals, and if all else fails, you may need in the end to talk to the police.

It is a judgement call as to how much you can let him know that you are concerned because of accidents that happen with guns, if you notice that he gets angry, or markedly more paranoid, then you may have to leave this to the professionals. You also do not tell me if there are other people in the house, who are also at risk. This is an important aspect.

My advice is to think this over and talk to someone who knows him and together to reach a decision as to how to deal with this situation. I think the doctor will be helpful. You can make an appointment yourself to talk to the doctor.

My best wishes to you.

Yours sincerely

Jill Edwards

Question: Hello Ms. Edwards, I apologize that this message is so long. But I will try to summarize the best I can. I have a 24 yr old son, who we've been trying to help for the last 10 years with his mental health issues and addiction problem. My husband and I have never had drug/alcohol addiction, however my dad and my grandfather have been alcoholics. My son's problem started when his older brother (who had an opiate addiction) relapsed and tragically died of an overdose at the young age of 20. Our remaining son who at the time was 14 spiraled into a deep depression and debilitating anxiety kicked in shortly after (prior to this, we did notice that he had anxiety issues, but exaserbated). He isolated himself and threw himself into an online game that he used to cope. He would stay up all through the night playing and would have little communication with anyone. Despite our efforts of counseling, drug therapy prescribed by a psychiatrist, SPECT scan by the Amen Clinic, (which showed that he had anxiety disorder and mood disorder) etc. nothing seemed to work. He would have out of control rage and take it out on my husband and I. After a 1 1/2 years of this he went back to school, but when he did he started using alcohol first and then it turned into other drugs. He eventually was arrested at the age of 18 for posession of ecstasy and stolen property. He was ordered to a 6 month program, which he did and seemed to be doing better once he was out. Unfortunately, he soon got back into the drug scene and started using opiates. He has been on suboxone, which he has weaned himself off of just recently. He is sober now, but his addictive behavior goes into other areas of his life. Prior to giving notice, he worked in Las Vegas for a well known magician. After 8 months he decided to leave because of addiction to gambling and anxiety issues. He's now home with us (in California) and needs help to get his life on track. My husband and I have depleted all our savings, retirement, etc. to try to help our boys. My husband left his lucrative position when Aaron was 16 because we felt that we were losing him, too. Now we are at a point where we both are without work and financial means to help him. If you have any suggestions of low cost group home for young men who have mental health issues along with addiction issues to get some life coaching and possibly medication to help with debilitating anxiety would be so much appreciated. Or if you have any other suggestions? We are at a point where we know there's not more we can do, but want to try to reach out to other experts in this matter. Thank you so much - CC

Jill Edwards Says...:

Dear Mum and Dad

Your is a story of devoted work to support the son in his difficult life. You are telling me that you are running out of resources for yourselves as people and also financially. I am hearing that he has been able to make some improvements in his life. He has weaned himself off of suboxone and when he attended a 6 month programme, he learned to take responsibility for himself and was a little better. You have lived your life putting your addicted children first. You have had a very hard time and so have your children. I think you should contact some of the groups that give support to the family of addicts. AlAnon is one but you will be able to find local groups. These groups will help you to look after yourself in the face of addiction and guilt and as you do this, your son will learn that doing some thing useful in taking himself forwards will give him self respect and a happier life. You both need help to make this change. It sounds crazy, but having gone through the process of standing firm and letting my son take responsibility eventually led to a happy and constructive relationship between us. The drinking has not stopped but he is the one worrying about it not me. It will take time, but I ask you to get some help for yourselves so that you can manage the process which will lead to help for him, and give him the opportunity to take responsibility for himself. You wont change overnight, your change is more difficult than his, but it will bring sanity into the situation.

I am writing from the UK, so I dont know any local support for your son. It is his job to go and find some. He needs to know the financial reality you are living with.

If you want to work with me further by e-mail, then contact me at mrsjilledwards@gmail.com.

Question: I drink a lot, my life is a mess and I am totally depressed. The only reason I really get out of bed most days is because I need to get to the beer store each day and then I just watch TV and drink all day long and I don’t know if I have the energy or desire most days to do anything to change this. Today is a good day which is why I am writing this. I am starting to get the shakes in the middle of the night and I have to drink to make them stop. This is screwed up and I am only 27. Tomorrow I am probably going to be really depressed again and there is no way when I feel like I normally do that I am going to drag myself to some AA meeting or something. There is just no way that is going to happen. How am I supposed to stop drinking when I need to and when I am so depressed I can’t be bothered to even leave the house?

Jill Edwards Says...:

I am very sorry to hear how unwell you are. Coping with a drinking problem as well as being depressed is very difficult. It sounds to me that since you are shaking so much that you have developed a dependency on alcohol. when you decide to stop, you must see your doctor for some medicine or you will be at risk of fitting, which is dangerous.

Otherwise, you can reduce slowly by reducing your daily drinking by about one can or 2 units a day. I have known a lot of people have a much better life even on 4 cans a day. And you can think about things on 4 cans.

The drink usually makes your depression worse. It is a depressant. However it would not be bad once you are drinking less to have an anti-depessant. I have seen some very depressed people feel absolutely wonderful when they had gotten over stopping drinking.

The worst of all this is that Mr Alcohol makes you feel worse about yourself and your life. He tells you that you have to spend all your time attending to his needs, just to get up to look after him. It is like having to look after a baby that keeps on yelling. No wonder you feel bad. Things can be better.

If you can look at the fact that you are ill and that with help you can get better, then you may be prepared to get that help from yourself, from your doctor and on a day when you are feeling a little easier from AA or any other association of people who help each other to keep sober.

My very best wishes to you

Jill Edwards