Question: I have a 22 year old son who is a recovering Heroine/Blues (synthetic form of heroine?) addict. He was diagnosed with clinical depression in adolesence, was in juvenile detention from 14 to 17 and most recently in jail for the past 7 months for fraud ( he stole checks from his father.) My ex husband and my daughter (we are close) refuse to have contact with him at this point and I am the only family member he has contact with. He is living in a halfway house in the same town and attending meetings as required. I know he is having a difficult time as it is a horrible place with many homeless men living there. I am struggling with letting him stay with me for a defined period of time with a written agreement and requirements to offer support for him. I belive he has "hit bottom" this last time but not sure if I can know that for sure. He became a father 7 months ago and they live in another state. I would like to give him the support he needs to be successful but don"t want to fall back into the same patterns. I have not been the "Tough Love" one in the family ...

Rachel Starck Says...:

Very tough situation.  What is your support system like?  It sounds like you are seeing your son make effort, and follow through with commitments.  Not sure how long he has been in the halfway house or has been clean, but I would want to see a signficant amount of clean time (6 months to a year) before opening your home.  Of course it is your decision, but I recommend getting a solid support group (al-anon is a great resource) who will be honest and real about addiction and will let you know when you are rescuing or enabling him rather then helping.  Support for your son does not have to be in the form of a place to stay.  You can be supportive and loving while he gets himself back on his feet.  It may be important for him to experience the consequences of his choices in order to own his own recovery.  So, find a counselor who is familiar with addiction, and attend Al-anon meetings to help you make choices that are truely in his (and your) best interest! 

Best Luck,

Rachel Starck, LPC

www.thethrivingmama.com

Question: My dad's been drinking for 50 years and now the doctor says if he doesn’t stop he is going to die. He says he's too old to change now and that it is hopeless? I can understand how hard it must be to try to change after so long but I do not want to believe that there is no hope and that he should just give up. What do I need to do to get him to feel like there is some hope?

Rachel Starck Says...:

I am sorry to hear about your father's situation (and yours).  Very tough.  Is it possible for you to give your father hope to change and keep living with out alcohol?  You can certainly try to point out all that he has to live for, what you appreciate about him, how it will affect you and your family to loose him prematurely, offer treatment options, support etc, but ultimately he has to decide to be in recovery.  I suggest that you attend Al anon meetings for support and to better understand addiction yourself.  There are many folks in your shoes, living with loved ones who are self destructing due to addiction, and we are powerless to make them have hope!

Warm wishes,

Rachel Starck LPC
rachel@thethrivingmama.com

Question: My daughter is 11 months old and she seems OK. Her mom did meth, crack, pills, alcohol and weed while she was pregnant. She did it mostly in the first few months and then she got her act together a bit but she still had some relapses all the way through. How long will I have to wait before I can know whether or not the drugs her mom did have harmed her or not?

Rachel Starck Says...:

There is no set time by which we can say that a baby/child is not affected negatively by fetal drug or alcohol exposure.  It sounds like she is meeting developmental milestones with in normal range, and your docter is not overly concerned at this point.  Subtle differences in development, growth, and learning disabilities may show up later as she enters school.  Aside from providing her with love, nurturing, medical care and all else that comes with being an attentive parent, I would just keep her prenatal history in the back of your mind, should concerns come up down the road.  There are excellent resources online for parents of FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome)and FAE (fetal alcohol effects) children, so doing some proactive research may be helpful for you as you raise her!

Kind regards,

Rachel Starck, LPC

www.thethrivingmama.com

Question: My ex girlfriend had a drinking problem and it eventually got so bad that I ended the relationship because I couldn't deal with the constant problems anymore, though I still did and do love her. Now she has been going to AA and she is 2 months sober and she is asking me to take her back. For her 2 months is a very big deal and I am proud of her. Is 2 months of sober time a significant enough amount that it indicates that she is likely going to be able to keep off the drinking?

Rachel Starck Says...:

While in early recovery, two months is a big deal, it is not a long time at all in the big picture of making sobriety a life long habit.  There is no way to predict whether someone will relapse or not.  Certainly going to AA (developing a strong sober support system, mentors, sponsers etc) is a great start.  People with years of sobriety relapse, as well as people who have two or three months in recovery.  I would look at how she is incorporating her recovery into her lifestyle.  What is she doing to cope with emotions, challenges, struggles.  I might suggest you attend Al Anon for support for yourself!

Rachel Starck, LPC

www.thethrivingmama.com

Question: My son is dealing drugs. He is 24 and he is a drug addict and I know now that he is supporting himself by dealing drugs. I have been wondering where he gets his money and I did not want to think the worst of him but his sisters finally told me the truth about what I already knew was going on. He is addicted to meth and to crack and he deals to feed his habit. I have tried on so many occasions to get him to stop using the drugs that he has been using since he dropped out of high school in his Junior year. He has ADHD and he could never really fit into the school system, and I think the ADHD has made it hard for him to have much success anywhere else in his life, which is part of why he uses drugs. I am scared that he is going to die. He is just a sweet kid below all the drugs and if he doesn’t OD someone is going to pull a gun or a knife on him and kill him. I am at the end of my wits and I am seriously considering calling the police on him. I have no influence to help him but on the other hand I am worried about what a felony record might do to him. He has never been to jail before but once he is a felon he is a felon for life. Is there any way I can get the police involved without having them charge him with a serious crime. I think if he could get scared enough about what might happen to him he might be more able to think about getting some help for his addictions.

Rachel Starck Says...:

Heartbreaking situation to find yourself in. I suggest you get support and help for yourself. You can not force him to change. Al-Anon is a fantastic resource for friends and family living with an addict! I can not tell you whether or not to call the police on him, but once you do, you will not have control over where it goes. On the flip side, if you are seriously worried about his safety given his current choices, then you are left with few choices. Sooner or later he will begin experiencing the natural consequences of his addiction whether you intervene or not. In the meantime, seek a counselor for yourself who is familiar with addiction, and get to some al-anon meetings!

Very best wishes,

Rachel Starck, LPC

www.thethrivingmama.com