Question: Is it possible to be too into recovery? After a certain point is the idea not to move away from everything recovery and start having a normal life? After 3 years the concept of recovery as the primary focus of my brother’s life remains. I am so happy for him but now I want to see him grow a bit and stretch his wings beyond the ‘recovery’ life he’s carved out for himself that’s all about 2 meetings a day and staying with my parents forever. When does recovery become fear? When dopes recovery become laziness? And how do you tell a person that you begged to get into recovery to stop being so into recovery?

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

This is a great question because it encompasses so much. Recovery is a wonderful model and lifestyle, but it is not meant to take the place of living one's life. If your brother has determined that this is all he needs in his life, then my guess is, there is something more going on, and counseling sounds like it would be beneficial and needed.  I am very glad to hear that your brother is taking his recovery so seriously, and this message needs to be given to him so that he knows his efforts are validated.

I would go the route of asking your brother what his goals are, what he really wants out of life. If recovery is such a big part of his life, he might be interested in a career as a rehab counselor. Rather than label your brother as lazy, I'd recommend that you look at what benefits he's getting from living at home with your parents... and what benefits they derive from having him live with them. There may be more than one person here who is fearful of moving forward and trusting in your brother's sobriety.

Does your brother (or did he in the past) have aspirations, hopes, dreams, etc and in what ways does he believe that they've been taken from him? This is a common occurrence with recovering addicts and they need guidance and support to reconnect to life outside of recovery while still maintaining their connection to a community that has been supportive, understanding and helpful through challenging times.

What are your parents' expectations of your brother? What are their goals at this point in their lives? It isn't just your brother who needs some help and guidance and support embracing a new life, they do as well, especially since they are all living together.

I would start by encouraging your parents to seek counseling; maybe even to have you participate as well (You don't say if you are living in the house, or have a separate life). If you are also living at home, then yes, please participate in family therapy with your parents and your brother. Start by checking with your insurance company for a family therapist in your area. There are a number of interventions that can be helpful, but the first step is to make sure everyone is on the same page and working together, not pushing your brother. He needs to see that he wants/needs more in his life in order for changes to happen.  As long as you are working harder than he is to change his life, he won't have to. What motivation does your brother have to change?  As long as your parents are supportive of your brother's current arrangement, I don't see what inspiration your brother has to move forward... Yes, there's fear here as well as uncertainty, insecurity, and maybe even inertia. 

I admire your desire to help, and your brother will need your encouragement to move forward, but ultimately, it is his responsibility to take the next steps in his recovery.

Question: I have a cousin who is a drug addict and he is now living on the streets. Crack is his biggest problem but I think he does a lot of other drugs as well. He has been on the streets for about 4 months now after bouncing around from rehab to a recovery home to get kicked out of that recovery home to another recovery to getting kicked out of that next recovery home to back with his parents to getting kicked out of his parents and then back again and then finally to the street and the Salvation Army sometimes. I see him sometimes and it breaks my heart. I can’t believe this is a person from my family. I guess these people always come from somebody’s family but somehow you never expect it to be from yours. I want to help him but I have no idea how. If I give him money he buys drugs. If I give him stuff he sells it and buys drugs? If I get him a place he parties and then gets kicked out. How can I help him without making the problem worse? I am trying to get him to meet me for lunch in the park once a week just to keep a lifeline in (the way he looks restaurants aren’t really a good option.) Sometimes he comes but mostly he is unreliable with this too.

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

Your cousin is very lucky to have you in his life. That said, I am sorry that you cannot rescue him. By agreeing to meet him for lunch in the park on a regular basis is huge, and is about all you can do at this time given the history you have described. You cannot care about your cousin's rehab more than he does. It sounds like a lot of people have been working hard to "rescue" your cousin and it sounds like he's not ready for it. I'm sure you've heard about people needing to feel that they are at their bottom before they do anything to make changes in their lives. Unfortunately, your cousin has not yet hit his bottom and is therefore not really looking for help to climb up out of the mess he's in. Addiction is a challenging issue and obviously not just for the addict, but for the people who care for and love him as well. You really are powerless in terms of 'making him better', but do NOT underestimate the significance and value of simply being present. This means letting him know you care, that you are willing to talk with him, meet him in the park, listen, etc. It doesn't mean rescuing, fixing, taking care of, etc. Your cousin will have to take some responsibility for where he is in his life. You might attend meetings with him (if he chooses to go) or you might go with him when he's ready to check in to another rehab center, but he must be the person who drives this train, not you or other family members.

As difficult as it is to set boundaries and limits so that you do not get sucked in to the fix and rescue mode, it is imperative that you let your cousin take the reins to make changes in his life (or not). If you need help setting and maintaining those boundaries, you might want to attend some NarAnon meetings. It's important that you feel you have support of other family and friends who are dealing with similar issues and struggles as you and your family face. If group meetings don't feel like enough, seek out a therapist in your area who works with families of addicts.

Loving and caring about your cousin may not feel like enough, but sometimes it really is all you can do, and it is enough because even though he may not be accepting of any help or intervention, you are always communicating a message of love and caring. This is very meaningful and worthwhile.  Please contact me if you have any further questions or needs...

Question: There is someone in my life who is a very good person who is probably an alcoholic. He is not violent or abusing in any way. But he will fall asleep drunk on the sofa many nights of the week and sometimes my 3 year old will be the one to find him there in the morning. I do not know what I am getting myself into but one area of concern that I have is how this may impact my children. My children are 1 and 3 currently. At what age would having a live-in person who drinks start to be a bad example that they would remember?

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

It's very good that you are aware and asking now and not waiting any longer. If you believe that the significant other in your life is an alcoholic the the issue needs to be addressed sooner rather than later! Alcoholism doesn't ease up over time; it gets worse and behaviors related to it become exacerbated! It is imperative that you look at your relationship and the qualities it has that are beneficial to you, your life and the life of your children.  There are reasons people drink, and when they drink to excess, it is generally to avoid dealing with life issues, feelings, stresses, etc. What are the reasons your boyfriend is choosing to drink?

There are resources available that I strongly recommend you seek out... Al-Anon is a great beginning step as there are many meetings in most locales, so you should be able to find one near you.    Additionally, it would be beneficial for you and your significant other to go to counseling... both individually and as a couple.  If this relationship is going to survive, you must be able to communicate openly, honestly and with clarity about your needs, feelings, hopes, plans and goals for yourselves and your lives. I do not know where you live, there are many ways to locate a therapist near you or even on-line, but I strongly recommend that counseling be a number 1 priority. 

If you are questioning "what am I getting myself into" then it tells me you already have some doubts, fears and uncertainties about your relationship and this person. When we have doubts early on in a relationship, PLEASE pay attention to them and do NOT ignore your gut feelings.  Children remember things from very early on and if there is unusual behavior that you are concerned about, then trust that it is behavior your children (esp. your 3 yr. old) are noticing and it is never a good idea to have to be making excuses for someone's behavior who you hope they will be looking up to and who will be a role model.

While this man may be wonderful in many regards, it's imperative that you deal with the issues you are seeing and experiencing now.  Clearly because you are asking the questions, you don't want to wait, so please take the first step and seek counseling, guidance and support before you make this relationship even more involved for you or your children. 

If you have any questions about this, please feel free to contact me: Loren@LorenGelbergGoff.com

I wish you a loving, respectful and compassionate relationship and one that will empower and enhance your life and the lives of your children.

Question: I am 4 weeks out of rehab and in recovery from a polydrug addiction of cocaine, marijuana and of course alcohol. My boyfriend just got diagnosed with colon cancer. He is only 58. I am 44, if that matters. I am feeling very precarious. We had been together for 3 months before rehab. He was the one who convinced me to finally do what I knew I needed to do. He told me and tried to end the relationship. He says it’s too much for me to have to deal with him when I should be dealing with myself. I told him he was crazy but now that I am thinking about it I am not sure I can handle this. How do I stay with him and go through this without relapsing?

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

I'm so glad that you are reaching out for guidance.  Understand that the primary reason people become addicted to anything is to keep them away from their feelings.  You've been avoiding your pain for some time now and only recently working on letting yourself tolerate your pain and challenges... Having your boyfriend begin a journey to deal with his health and well-being means there will have to be a great deal of honesty and openness going forward for both of you.  AND this is also a new relationship when you are presumably both still learning about each other. 

That said, I am wondering how much support either of you have other than each other?  It is imperative that you continue with meetings and therapy in order to truly honor your recovery.  There are also support groups for people with cancer, whether it's through the hospital where he is being treated or through Cancer Care, Gilda's Club, or finding a local group together that meets in person or on-line.  There are a number of options. 

You must both be really honest with each other about your needs, feelings, hopes and goals.  I cannot tell you if you should end the relationship now or not; I can only recommend that you look at these various issues, concerns and fears, and the discuss your options and goals.  I don't know where you live, but I know that Cancer Care has services throughout the country and since recovery and cancer are big issues for people today there are a number of valuable resources on the Internet.  IF you are feeling shaky in terms of your recovery and your ability to stay focused on caring for your needs, then these are valid issues to talk about with a counselor and with your boyfriend.  You both have significant life struggles to address and face, and many times they can be best handled together IF you are both honest, clear, direct and open.  The decisions you make that are for your greater good are not about your boyfriend, they are about YOU. 

I give you a lot of credit that you got yourself into rehab and want to stay drug free and that you did this with your boyfriend's encouragement says that there's been good communication between both of you up until now.  Please look at the following issues as you move forward:

1. What are your goals for yourself and your relationship?

2. What is your recovery status?

3. what is the status of your boyfriend's health and treatment plans?

4. To help with recovery and handling the urges, you might consider neurofeedback (you can get lots of information about it at eeginfo.com )

5. If you and your boyfriend would like to stay together, then I would also suggest couples counseling with a therapist who specializes in working with people with addictions and their families.

I hope that this is helpful to you as you move forward in your life in a meaningful and positive way.

Question: Should I give my ex another chance. He was a really nice guy who got abusive to me and my children after he got addicted to crack. I left him three years ago. Now he is back in my life and he has been clean for 18 months. He says he is sorry for what he did and I believe that this is true. If it where just me I would give him another chance but what I want to ask about is will it be damaging to my 13 year old son and 11 year old daughter if this person who has hit them before gets back involved in our lives again. Will they understand that it was the drugs that made him like that or is that asking them to understand to much?

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

First let me say that I give you a lot of credit for having had the courage to separate from this person in the past when he was abusive and addicted.  You are saying that he is already back in your life, and it's a question of whether or not to get more involved with him going forward.  I am pleased to know that he is clean now, and has been for over a year.  There are a few questions that beg answers: 1. Has he been in therapy and is he still in therapy? 2. Have you and your children  received any therapy to deal with what has occurred in your lives so that the trauma of past events is truly addressed? Are you and your boyfriend willing to be in couples counseling so that old patterns in your relationship do not reappear?

I am a believer in second chances as long as certain guidelines and boundaries are addressed and enforced.  It's wonderful to be drug-free, but it is also imperative that both the addict and the people in his life learn new coping skills and strategies so that the reason for turning to drugs as the escape is no longer the coping mechanism of choice.

You are teaching your children about love, relationships, self-esteem, self-respect and communication. We do not have to reject someone because they have or have had a drug problem, BUT we must insure that we are always first and foremost treating ourselves with the love, respect and compassion that we all deserve.  Being addicted to anything is a symptom of disrespect for oneself. When that person treats the people in his life with disrespect/disdain, disregard, etc. then strong boundaries must be enforced... not out of anger, but out of love and respect... I would absolutely want to know HOW your boyfriend has changed (other than not using drugs) and what he has learned and how he has grown. 

It is incumbent upon your boyfriend to earn back the trust of you and your children that he lost as a result of his abusive behavior.  Drugs may be an explanation, but they are not an excuse.  He must take ownership of his past behavior, and not simply apologize, but demonstrate through action and communication that he is in fact different and is wiling to do what is needed to regain your children's trust.  This is about his desired outcome... and if it's to be in a loving and healthy relationship with you and your children, then he has to decide what it is he's willing to do to help create that relationship. 

All relationships take work and conscious, loving attention.  Everyone enters into relationships with history and beliefs. This is a golden opportunity for you, your boyfriend and your children to explore what relationships are, what roles everyone plays and how each of you feel in the relationship.  The goal is to create a warm, loving safe and respectful environment.  This can be done if you are all willing to work together and you and your boyfriend choose to be in your relationship differently than you both were in the past.

I realize that there is a lot of territory to cover before you commit your heart and soul to this relationship, Please take your time, and move forward slowly... not so much cautiously, as mindfully and consciously so as to make sure you are handling life issues that arise (and they always do) in a respectful and compassionate way~ for you, yourself and your children. Please contact me if you have any additional questions or concerns...

Question: Hi I just found out my girlfriend has been abusing narcos for 1 year now . The sad part is we have been in a long distance relationship for the same amount of time. Her mother is the one who gave them to her and she is telling her she has no problem. She was using 10 a day and her mom uses 20 a day. She decided to start rehab and turn her life around but she is afraid of what will happen once she leaves rehab and goes back home. She was going to move up in 4 months anyway but now she is really afraid of the temptation and wants to move up soon after she is released. I dont know what to do because if I let her move someplace she really doesnt know whats to stop her from relapsing. do you have any advice on being a positive force in her life and our relationship. thank you

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

You are a positive force already just by voicing your concern.  I think that it is a wise decision for your girlfriend to NOT move back with her mother who, from your question, is not a good influence.  I agree, also, that moving someplace new is a stressor as well.  That said, your girlfriend needs to look at her goals, and her willingness to achieve her goals. When you say "move up" does that mean to be closer to you?  If so, you can be most supportive and an ongoing positive force by talking openly and honestly about your own concerns, feelings and needs, as well as your hopes for your girlfriend.  She absolutely will need an "after care" plan from the rehab center which ought to include attending meetings ~ Narcotics Anonymous (NA) and if you are both truly committed to this relationship then I would strongly recommend that you attend some Nar-Anon meetings (for family members of those who are addicted).  Additionally, your girlfriend needs ongoing counseling where she can honestly deal with what brought her to need drugs. The purpose of addictions is to keep us away from our feelings that seem too scary or overwhelming to deal with.  Your girlfriend started taking pills for a reason, and while rehab may have helped her to detox her system, it is only the beginning of her recovery.  There are a number of therapeutic interventions that can be helpful going forward, and I would ask her to discuss these options in depth with her counselors in rehab so that she can have a viable plan in place before she leaves the safety and security of rehab. 

I guess I have a number of questions as well that you will both need to address; like does she have a job... are her skills transferable to a new location so she would not feel forced to stay near her mother. Has her mother acknowledged the problem since your girlfriend entered rehab?  Does she have a solid enough income to live on her own or would the 2 of you plan to live together, would she need a roommate, etc.?  IF you plan to live together, then I strongly recommend couples' counseling for both of you so that your communication can be clear, healthy, compassionate and respectful going forward and you'll learn more skills in dealing with the issues that come up in life and in relationships.

Look into the following counseling options going forward and discuss them with your girlfriend: Insight oriented counseling to look at the source of her discomfort and get to the root of the problem.  This can be done through talk, hypnotherapy, EFT (emotional freedom technique) mindfulness based therapy, and work with a therapist who has a specialty in dealing with addictions. (it doesn't necessarily have to be drug addiction specialty).

Neurofeedback can also prove to be helpful in abating the urges for one's addiction. This works especially well as an adjunct to talk therapy.

Should your girlfriend need to look at changing jobs or careers, so that she has greater freedom to change where she lives, she can look into vocational counseling through the state as job training and schooling might be a great benefit she can receive. 

Self-help books can also be beneficial, if she is willing to do healing work on her own in addition to the support and guidance she needs to live a more empowered and fulfilled life.  I recommend books by Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, and Don Miguel Ruiz.  My book Being Well Within: From Distressed to De-Stressed, is also a helpful resource in dealing with life's stresses. 

While you have a lot to deal with and think about going forward, I am sure that with open and direct communication you will be able to make healthy and respectful decisions for yourself and allow your girlfriend to do the same.  It will all ultimately come down to trust: your willingness to trust in your own abilities to cope with this new situation in your life and trust in knowing that you need to take good care of yourself which will then communicate to your girlfriend that she needs to do the same for herself.  I wish you the best.  Please contact me should you have any additional questions.

Question: My mom is addicted to a bunch of different kinds of opiates like percocets and others. She has pain but she is so high all the time now that it is not like it was before. I try to tell her she needs to get help but she gets really defensive. We don’t really have any other family except for my grandparents who don’t get along with my mom and my younger brother who is 12. I want my mom back and I know she needs to get help. She is not making good decisions right now. How can I make her get help without getting her into trouble (I know she is going to more than one doctor to get pills). If I go to my grandparents they will get her in trouble.

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

I am so sorry that you feel like you have to handle this alone.  I don't know how old you are, but clearly, you are taking on more that you deserve.  That said, this is not about keeping you mom out of trouble, it's about keeping yo and your younger brother safe and sound.  You say that your grandparents don't get along with you mom, but I can only hope that you get along with them and that they love you more than they dislike or are angry with your mom.  You are absolutely right that you mother needs help and unfortunately the only way to do that may seem like you're getting her in trouble.  this is a time for family and friends to come together and put differences aside.  I would strongly recommend an intervention..  This is a somewhat involved process but it is doable if you and your grandparents work together.  The goal is to get your mother the care and treatment she needs and deserves so that she can be your mom again.   Here's one website to get you started: http://thecyn.com/drug-rehab-intervention/plan-successful-intervention/  Since I don't know where you live, this may not be the place that your mother would go, but it is certainly a good resource. 

Additionally, you could speak with a counselor in your school for some additional support and guidance.  Remember, it may feel like you're getting your mother into trouble, but you are really getting her into "help" before real trouble occurs.  Again, you could ask your grandparents to please put aside their dislike for your mother and come to the aid of you and your brother by helping you to find the appropriate help for your mother.  If you are a minor (under 18) you will need an adult to help you with this, and to have their support for when your mother goes into rehab, or if she continues to refuse, then you, your brother and grandparents may have to agree to have you and your brother live with them until your mother is willing to look at how her current behavior is negatively impacting you and your brother's lives. 

Please know that you deserve to be taken care of, and not have to be the one to do the caring.  If you know the name of your mother's doctor (any one of them) you and your grandparents can schedule an appointment with him/her, and while they cannot tell you anything about her diagnosis or care due to HIPPA Laws, you can share with the doctor what your concerns are and ask the doctor for help in talking with your mother.  I know that all this sounds overwhelming, but keep your sights focused on your desired outcome which is to find help for your mother and to keep you and your brother safe.  You are brave to write this letter and ask for help... don't let your fear stop you from getting the help your family needs.  Please contact me if I can be of further help (Loren@BeingWellWithin.com)  

Question: My brother gave up drinking and drugs last month. I don’t know exactly what he was using but I know he was drinking every day and doing cocaine and if he is like everyone else around here I am sure he was doing a lot of pills too. I am really proud of him for quitting but ever since he quit he has just sat at home and watched TV, like all the time. At first I was just happy to see him not drunk or stoned but now I am starting to worry about him. Is this normal behavior for the first month of being clean and sober? He is generally a really sociable guy so to see him at home all the time and by himself is really out of character. He is just so down and he doesn’t want to do anything. Should I encourage him to get out and do more or should I just leave it alone since he isn’t drinking or using drugs?

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

 You are right to be concerned about your brother.  You say that it has been a month since your brother gave up drinking and using cocaine regularly.  I don't know if he quit on his own or with the help of a rehab center or counseling, but his behavior, while upsetting is normal to a degree.  The purpose of any addiction is to keep us away from our feelings . . . feelings that seem overwhelming and unmanageable.  When the addiction stops, we're faced with the very feelings we used the addiction to avoid.  Therefore, it sounds like that is what is happening with your brother.  He needs more than encouragement to go out and be social, he needs support to get good counseling so that he can learn to deal effectively with his feelings, stresses and anxieties in his life. There are a number of possible resources for him to explore, and yes, it's for him to explore.  You can help, but he needs to take responsibility for his recovery and ongoing sobriety.  You may want to sit with him while he makes the calls, or look into what kind of insurance coverage he has, but the calls and appointments need to come from him. 

I don't know where you live, but most states have out patient rehabilitation counseling services available through local hospitals.  That's one place to start.  You don't say how old your brother is, but there are also some programs which are geared toward the young adult (under 21).  You can also explore private therapy with a therapist who specializes in addictions and depression.  It would be a good idea for your brother to be evaluated by a psychiatrist as well, since he may also need antidepressant medication,or even anti anxiety medication.  This, however, should definitely be monitored by a psychiatrist! 

Your brother may also find that neurofeedback can be helpful in changing the addictive pathways in his brain.  Many people also find hypnotherapy helpful in dealing with the underlying causes and needs for any addictive behaviors.  Support groups also are helpful for many people recovering from addictions... You can check out local AA meetings or NA(narcotics anonymous)  meetings in your area.  These are meetings that, if he needs additional support, you could attend some of these meetings with him til he finds the group that best fits his personality and needs.  Remember, the goal is for your brother to take responsibility for his recovery and you are the catalyst and support for his change. 

Since your letter indicates that he lives at home, if there are other family members also living at home, I would recommend family counseling, too.  This can also be done through a local outpatient hospital center or privately, but it will be necessary to have ongoing support for the entire family as your brother goes through the process of changing how he lives his life. 

Please feel free to contact me should you have any additional questions as you move forward.  I am sure that your brother is grateful for your support even if he is unable to express it at this time.  Recovery is a stressful time, not only for the recovering addict but for the people in his life, too.  Please make sure that you are taking care of yourself mentally, emotionally and physically, and that you are getting the support you need to deal with the stresses in your life. 

Question: My son is a recovering alcoholic that is living with me. He has been to rehab (twice) and he has been in AA off and on for over 10 years and he was almost in complete liver failure 4 years ago and his liver function is still touch and go, especially since he cannot maintain total sobriety. He goes to 2 AA meetings a day and I believe he is trying. He is emotionally very fragile and he is not working. I am letting him stay with me rent free and I have been since he was out of rehab 16 months ago. He has nowhere else to go. The problem is he still drinks. He hides it from me but I can see that he is still drinking. I believe that if I made his not drinking a condition of his staying with me he would become homeless very shortly. He is trying but he cannot seem to stop himself completely. I believe that I am enabling the problem but I do not know how sending him to the streets is going to help things. In fact I think it would be a death sentence. What should I do?

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

I understand your concerns and care for your son. While on certain levels he is telling you that he is "trying", it seems to me that his efforts may be very limited and focused only on what he has been doing and not necessarily looking for new ways to handle his addiction. I also am concerned about the support (or lack of support) that you receive. It sounds like your son has not yet hit his "bottom" since he is still drinking and continuing the very behavior that he knows will kill him. 

First and foremost, I'd look into applying for Social Security Disability (SSD) or Supplemental Security Income (SSI) and then apply for Medicare &/or Medicaid.  At least this way he'd be eligible for some community programs, would have an income and health benefits. (I don't know if he already has these things in place, but he certainly needs to!)

If you want him to continue to live with you, then it is imperative that new boundaries and limits are established.  You both need good therapy, both together and individually, preferably with a therapist who specializes in dealing with addictions and their impact on families and relationships. I don't know what your son's motivation is to heal himself, or if he feels helpless.  It sounds like you have reached your limit, and need the support, guidance and structure of both therapy and groups (have you ever attended Al-Anon groups?) Some possible therapeutic interventions that I believe can be helpful are: neurofeedback, hypnotherapy, Emotional Freedom Therapy (EFT),  It is important that you look into new modalities of therapy for yourself and your son since whatever it is he is doing is not the right modality, or is not enough. 

While I understand your concerns, I also hear from your question, that your son is not really taking responsibility for his behavior and its consequences.  You cannot make him do this, but you can learn to feel stronger within yourself to handle the choices and decisions that he is making, and to help you change how you respond to him.  While it may be enabling him on some level that he continue to live with you, I am not suggesting that you immediately cut him off.  Like any other sudden drastic move, it is rarely sustainable, so you need to be willing to look at what changes you are willing to make.  This is one of those crossroads in life that are not easy, but necessary on many levels.  I wish you the best as you move forward in new ways so that you can both make the best of your lives.

Question: My wife has been clean and sober for 6 months and I am really proud of her. She was addicted to cocaine and was an alcoholic for years and she finally went to rehab a few months ago and has been clean ever since. I know the odds of relapse so I know that 6 months is an amazing accomplishment. She told me last night that she had cheated on me a couple of times when was really out of control about a year ago. She says both were one night stands that meant nothing, just flings after too much drinking. Right not I don’t know what to do. Even though I can understand that she was not really in control of herself back then I am still very hurt. It is worse because I know one of the guys too. She says she is very sorry and I believe her. She says that it was the drinking and I believe that too. But that doesn’t change the way I feel about it. I feel like I am in a box and I don’t know what to do. I am so angry about what she did but I still love her. I feel like if I throw her out of the house or do anything dramatic I’ll just send her right back to drugs and drinking. I feel like I want to punish her but that would be way to hard. She is doing really well but she is still fragile. This is so frustrating and it makes me even madder, that she is using my own love for her as a way to protect herself, I feel. I wish she had not told me but now that is out there I do not know how to deal with it. I have moved into our guest bedroom for now so I can keep an eye on her but do not have to look at her while I try to sleep. I don’t know how long I can keep this calm manner up for. I don’t know if I can ever really forgive her but I don’t want to see her die in a gutter either. How can I support her when I can’t even stand to look at her right now?

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

Lots of issues here to address, so let's start first with the fact that you do love your wife.  Love is important and from love we have or create respect and compassion.  Compassion for your wife and all that she has dealt with in her addictions does NOT mean your needs and feelings don't count!  It's time that the 2 of you sit down and talk about what your goals are for you marriage and relationship going forward.  (hopefully you've done some of this while she was in rehab...)

Your wife has told you about the cheating and "blamed" her drinking... while I realize that people do really stupid things while under the influence, I think it is important that your wife address her feelings about your marriage, and what is and was happening between the two of you and what she was reacting to while intoxicated that prompted her to cheat... It's NOT our feelings that get us into trouble, but our actions... When in recovery one of the key pieces is learning to accept responsibility for one's actions.  This is really challenging because her actions have caused a significant rift in your relationship. 

Your anger is very understandable, and we now need to make it productive.  It's not about "throwing her out" but more about communicating your needs and feelings... I STRONGLY" recommend marriage counseling, as well as individual therapy for both of you, since what I could give you in this answer is simply a starting place to see your situation from a different perspective... Actually living with a new reality and a new communication will take practice, perseverance and patience...for BOTH of you...

Since you still very much love your wife, and you believe that everything in the past year is a result of her addictions, then you need to do the work of Forgiveness... Forgiveness is about YOU, not your wife, and is imperative if you want to move forward in a healthier and more respectful direction in your marriage.  I don't know where you're located, but in the NY metropolitan area, I offer workshops on forgiveness, (www.beingwellwithin.com) as does Jed Rosen (http://rosensaul.com/20101106_forgiveness_workshop.html)

You can also check out Colin Tipping, Radical forgiveness (http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/contentnew/downloads.html)  and Dr. Walter Jacobson (http://walterjacobsonmd.com/blog/success-self-help-personal-development-happiness/)   

As an additional resource for coming through the other side of cheating, you can check out Michelle Weiner Davis http://www.divorcebusting.com/

I am hoping that your wife's desire to remain clean and sober is strong, but it still requires her attention and work.  While you can be respectful of her fragility right now, it is imperative that you focus on her strengths and fortitude, not her weaknesses and fears.  It's also important that you focus on your needs and feelings, and what you need to change so that you will no longer be in an unhealthy relationship going forward.  You both deserve healthy love, respect and compassion as you go forward and this cannot happen if you are focused solely on your anger or fear of what will happen to your wife if you let her know how you are feeling.  This needs to be healed and you need and deserve really good counseling to help you through this, and YES, you can get through this and make your marriage stronger, more respectful, more honest and absolutely more loving and compassionate.   I wish you the best going forward, and please contact me should you have further concerns or questions.