Question: Hi... Yesterday I left my spouse at the hotel we stayed at for holiday. He had been drinking "in secret" and refused to get in the car to go home. He kept saying leave my sh*t and go. I told him about 5 times I was leaving him there and finally gave one last warning. Then I did something I never thought I could do....I left him there! I drove away and went home! I left him a couple hours from home with his luggage. It's been nearly 48 hours and no word. No activity on his phone at all. What could he possibly be thinking? What do I do now? Please give me some insight. Hurt & Confused

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi, thank you for connecting with me. There's a country music song from a few years back in which the vocalist sings,

"I know what I was feeling, but what was I thinking?"

Your spouse seems to be on a bender and from your description, I would guess that his drinking is long term and perhaps has

been building gradually. Now he has immersed himself in it and apparently has forsaken his responsibilities and your needs and feelings.

Your question, "What do I do now?"

Well, that depends entirely on the outcome you want to achieve.

My question to you is - what do you want?

How honest have you been with yourself about his drinking and the quality of your marriage?

What's best for you?

It's difficult to extrapolate from the limited info you provide so here's my best guess:

Your husband is a long time heavy drinker who has isolated himself and chosen to give into his alcoholism

There is nothing you can do to help him until he comes to the conclusion that he needs help and has a willingness

to change. Has he previously identified that alcohol is a problem for him?

I think it was very healthy for you to leave him there and I'm glad you were able to surprise yourself

My best advice is to turn your attention toward yourself

Is this what you want?

Do you believe he will change?

Do you have supportive people in your life and are you allowing them to be helpful to you?

Please feel free to write me again and I'm happy to answer questions

It sounds like it's time to make some big investments in meeting your needs

Jim

Question: Hello Jim LaPierre. My name is Cristina and i came from Portugal. I live since 4 years in Germany. My husband is german and alcohcolic. He have made in is life 3 long therapies. was sober for 5 years but he drinks at the moment very heavy... He have put me out of the house. I´m guilty for everything... Tryes to put everyone against me. I have write to him a very long brief since he dont speak. 5 days its gone and i dont became any reply from him. I only know that he goes more depressed. Would you be so kind and if you have the time, to tell me if you think that this letter have made "light" on his heart... """ I would like to say same words that are in my heart but also in my throat… I've taken your advice and since 5 weeks I go to a therapeut, and he thinks it’s also a good idea to write to you. I would like to start by calling your obsession (drinking) your Lover. When you see this word you will know from what I´m talking about. You say that i don't get more, that I have all, too much… . From your Lover I became ALL! Too much pain, hurt, lost of respect, lost of my husband, lost of my home (and I don’t mean house). An ax on the table, a television command flying in my head, a head butt, charged words with hate jealous of sadness aggression. A life and plans for a beautiful future completely destroyed, reduced to powder. Go the police or the judge? It is your right do to so And say what? That from the 5 days that you gave your Portuguese woman living in Germany, without any family, only her husband, to leave the house and she came out with 50.00 euros in her pocket and no job and no place to live or possibility... That same woman after she was out came again to you for 2 times and have clean your home, or when you made the farewell dinner for her that was only to humiliate her before the family , she still came back the next day to clean the kitchen, the bathroom, wash your clothes and even sat at the table with you to eat. That same woman that has respect you as a husband, person and human being. That had to ask your ex-wife for help to find one place to live ... your ex-wife ... Who lives in the house of your former father in law ... The same woman that never have said to you that you must go out and find a normal job like everyone and bring money to the house. The woman that have respect your freedom so that you make with your professional and private life what you wish. The woman that gave you power to show your paintings.The woman that don’t gave you power to open the tattoo studio in Oberndorf… The same woman that says to your daughters to have hope that you will go back to be the Papa they both love and that says that the Love they have for you will heal all. The woman who have not steal you anything, that have not destroy anything of yours, who respected and continue to respect your name and your property. That have not beat you physically or verbally. I am not and will never be as certain people from your past, no matter how much your Lover wants to make me an aggressor! My heart was always love and is full of love that will die! The intervention when your Mother, Ulrike, and your daughters were there in the house on December 29, I see and I realize now that it was arrogant of me! I never had the right to require you that you'd stop drinking. It would have to come from you that will. But I did for love and everything that is done for love should be forgiven. For this mystake I will regret the rest of my life. It was never my intention to point the finger at you or humiliate you !!! But it was very sad and frustrating to realize that you wanted not more being away from your Lover and realize that she would take you from us again ... Freedom is your greatest wish !? Irony that you are not free ... You're yes prisoner of your Lover. That every day you captivates more and more from you until you have anything more to offer ... Still she will continue to require from you the loyalty and dedication that she needs ... Until there is nothing left of you … I am not an aggressor as you are not aggressor !!! We are all, you also victims! Victims of your Lover !!! Timo, complete and whole MAN. Son, father, brother, husband, friend, artist, thinker, Sensitive, Human. Person with so many gifts and possibilities. Full of defects but loved with these same defects. What good it would be if one day you could get out of your mask of arrogance and manipulation and look yourself in the mirror and see the HUMAN that it reflects and that you could love HIM. What good it would it be if you look inside your heart and understand that what your Lover gives you is so little compared to what you are! To Timo with a 12 years boy Soul, I just want to thank! All!!! And there would never be enough words or paper to express the gratitude for what this Human taught me and showed me. For teaching me to cook, playing xadrez, for teaching me to like me, for believing in me and in my abilities, to challenge me every day, working on me to want to learn more, the unconditional friendship, for always being by my side. Helping me to study, to learn German, with homework. The wonderful attitudes that he had to me in my days of sadness, tears that he cleansed me and kissed my mouth. Who showed me a country that i have learned to love that showed me so many beautiful and inspiring places that inspired my Soul. That showed me in my country so many wonderful sites. That gave me a family that I love like my real family. Thank you for the love and affection you have for Portugal and with my friends. Thank you for helping me with my obsession with the diazepam. That urged me to learn to ride a bike. That urged me to like to walk, so I lose weight. Who challenged me to lose my fears. Thank all that he built for me or for us. All that he created to make me happy to show me how much he loved me. All the dreams that have come true and also the dreams that were not fulfilled. Thank you for the music, the evenings fireplace. By sunny days. Thank you for the honor of choosing me to be your wife and use your name. Thanks for the amazing orgasms, the caress of the skin. For helping me to free myself sexually. Thank you for your madness that made me too crazy in your hands, in your skin in your sex. My body hurts until today longing for yours. From your smell, from your touch. Sex, love, pleasure, feeling. Thanks for touching my soul. The small Portuguese that became your wife in soul and heart still loves you and will love you to death. And you know I do not need a man to live. I will follow my own life. The love that I always felt for you will always be enough to make me smile. Say many thanks to your Lover for me, that she have taken me the future that was still to live, but also say to her that she didn't win!!! The past and what I have lived and enjoyed and feel and loved is in my memories in my skin in my heart deep in my soul!!! And this she or anyone cannot take from me, never!"""" Many thanks and best regards Cristina Santos Serrer

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Greetings, Cristina, thank you for reaching out and connecting with me. If I understand correctly, you are grieving the loss of your lover to alcoholism, but you are grateful for the time and love and will treasure the memories. I think that's beautiful and healthy. I hope I understand correctly that you are disengaging and accepting that you cannot separate your man and his "lover" and so you are moving on to freedom, recognizing that he must come to this on his own, most likely by hitting bottom.

I wish you the very best. I hope that your letter awakens something within him.

Please take excellent care of yourself and please write me if I can be of service.

Very best,

Jim

Question: Hello, I have a 20year old daughter who is a heroin addict and It's the most horrifying thing I have ever been through even worse than the gang stalking I have went through for the last 10 yrs...anyway that is a separate problem. I am trying to do the tough love thing and it was finally forced on me because my daughter was kicked out basically for addiction and she has caused me to almost be evicted because of her outbursts and drug use at my house. It has been very hard for me to do considering she was assaulted a few years ago and that is when she became a heroin addict. (it goes deeper than just that) and since I am a target, I feel that she is and has been in danger. So sometimes if she comes over and I see that she looks really bad off, tired and dirty, that as a mom I let her stay a night or two, risking losing my place. I feel I am suppose to use my mother instincts as well and I am just extra worried about her on the streets and I cry everyday when I think about her out there getting high and men taking advantage of her and just treating her bad and her being so out of it that who knows what happens! I want to move out of this town and possibly get a place with my sister and kids somewhere, and the only problem is my daughter cant go like she is so I want to get her clean so that I can take her away from here but I havent got her detox or inpatient yet because where I live there isnt anything free and they want high down payments that I just dont have. She said she would get help if she got detox and inpatient and so now I am so sad that I just cant put her in right away when she says that because I cant afford it!! I feel so sad and guilty like she is waiting on me now. I have to move! When it comes down to it, what if I set it up in another city, what if she wont go right away and so I have no idea the order to do this and also do you have to live in a town to use their resources? I have many questions but I want to know, how long should I wait for her to get clean before I go on with my life? I cant sleep good I am constantly worried and ill be 40 next month and so I feel my life is passing by and I just want to get out of here and away from negative people myself etc. I cant leave her here on the streets what if something happens to her! But also maybe I need to move and hope she follow? I cant budge I am frozen with stress alone and harassed stalked etc....what should I do? Also a good man from high school offered me to move to where he is and anyway, do I wait for her or do I go on? I feel too sad but I need to know what a professional would tell me. I am so depressed, sad and angry that I feel I am losing my mind and i already get SSI for being terrorized and so decisions are too hard for me and the evil is trying to suck me in and I just need away from here and so does she. I feel they have did this to control and trap me from leaving by getting her to where she is it seems to me and I am at wits end. What would you do?

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Thank you for writing to me and for posing a question that a lot of families struggle with.

Short answer - if you have the option to move - do so as quickly as possible

No amount of sacrificing your well being and mental health are going to benefit your daughter.

You getting your needs met and becoming healthier means you are better equipped to help her

when she is ready to be helped.

I have children in their twenties and so my heart goes out to you all the more

I can only imagine how difficult this choice is for you

As a professional, I say that you must not enable

You must not protect your daughter from the consequences of her drug use

I know that this feels cruel

but it is not

it is the only thing that can work

I urge you to reach out to your local churches and to the Salvation Army

as these are often the best resources when treatment is not available

Blessed be,

Jim

Question: My wife is becoming an alcoholic. I think it is still in the early stages but it is clear that she has a problem that she will not admit to and that she is very defensive about. To give you an example, when we went to a cottage for a week and she brought 5 bottles of wine and I actually thought that she was cutting down and I was happy. Then later I found empty bottles of vodka that she must have hidden. I confronted her on this but she denied hiding them (but she did) and that she was on vacation and that was why she was drinking more than normal. She was so furious that I would dare criticize her drinking. She always throws all her accomplishments in my face as if that makes it OK. I know at least one of her good friends has mentioned her drinking to her. She used to keep it at home but now when she goes out for dinner or drinks with friends she does not control herself like she used to. It is obvious that she is sliding down quickly. I am at a loss about what to do and we are barely talking because she is so angry with me because I won’t pretend I don’t notice her getting drunk anymore. Now that I have called it out it is like a big wedge between us. I don’t know what to do. Should I give her an ultimatum to force her to go to rehab? I know she loves me but she is so angry and out of control right now I think she might choose alcohol over anything else.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there and thank you for sharing your story. I've heard countless similar accounts and my heart goes out to you. From what you've told me, there's no question your wife has a serious problem with alcohol. Sadly, nothing that you've shared suggests she will respond well to an ultimatum. Forcing an alcoholic to stop drinking never works. In the best case scenario she will resent you for it and in all likelihood it won't last. She has to choose this for herself.

Instead of trying to protect her from herself please take care of you. She may be able to maintain her current functioning for quite a while to come but it will be a downward spiral (it always is). Please do not protect her from any natural consequence of her drinking (including ending the relationship if that is what you want). It's tragic but when we protect an alcoholic from suffering, we deny them motivation to change. Please turn your attention to yourself and take very good care of you. Wishing you the very best, Jim

Question: Lived 6 years with the addict. 3 years in we had a theft. He blamed my son and said he never felt the same way about after the theft. I dont know how it was my fault. We stayed together me harping all the time about his drinking. After 7 years being together i began Alanon and was no longerhis drinking partner. I found out he was cheating one day and confronted him. He moved out that very day into her apt. He said he loved her. He took almost a year before he said those words to me. She is a bartender in our small town. How can 2 alkies be together. I just bewildered that his brother died age 40 of alcoholism and this did not wake him up to the reality he could die. Instead he says I dont deserve an alcoholic and find someone like me. Also shortly one night he came home drunk and tried to hug me then said never mind you just think I'm a drunk. I can't understand how he can be happy. I keep thinking now he is with her he will be happy and quit drinking. That's not realistic. He is an alcoholic as she is too. Both hv jobs. Help me I'm so crushed by all this devastation.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there thank you for writing. It seems you have clarity and are seeing the truth and it simply hurts too much to accept. Go slow - be patient with yourself and be kind. In my experience:

_ We say we're trying to figure things out but what we're really doing is procrastinating moving on.

_ We say, "I don't understand..." When what we really mean is "I fucking hate it that..."

There's a lot of powerlessness in this transition - but only when you seek to hold him accountable/change him.

Let go of that and change you. I'm sorry you were hurt and I hope you let go of that pain bit by bit.

Blessed be,

Jim

Question: Hello Jim - I recently ended a 2yr on/off again relationship with a high functioning alcoholic that I loved deeply. Our time together when he was sober was so spectacular that it kept me around during the drunk craziness far longer than good judgement would dictate. I did finally reach my limit after an over the top debacle with his drinking, and left with the decision that I really had to stay gone. He'd gone thru periods of quitting before but it never stuck & I just didn't believe him any longer. Now of course, he's contacted me with the news that he's quit & started Antabuse which was what he used years ago to quit drinking & subsequently stayed sober for 12 yrs. He sounds clear headed & shared friends back this up. My question is, when do you take the leap of faith & believe? I want him to prove it to me; stay sober & take it slow in repairing our relationship. He wants me back now; fully commit, move in, all or nothing, no waiting. A life with him sober would be wonderful & I don't want to miss out on that chance yet the self preservation part of my brain is shouting out Warning! What are your thoughts? I'm terribly conflicted; can't let him go yet can't seem to go back. Thank you. Kal

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi Kal and thanks for writing. A Recovering alcoholic learns to deal with life on life's terms. It sounds like although he is sber, your man wants it all and he wants it now. There has to be room for compromise to ensure that your needs get met. If he is not willing to go slow and meet your needs in restarting the relationship then that is a huge red flag to me.

It's not about the black and white of do I get into the relationship or do I not. It's about how do you get to a place where you feel comfortable and expressing those needs to him - if he's willing to do that then great and if he's not then I say move on.

Best of luck to you!

Question: My daughter is married to an alcoholic and is attending alanon. She has taken alanon steps and is now just worrying about herself and her children. She says she is happier then she has been in months, but yesterday seemed very depressed and admitted to me that a few days ago was also very depressed. She does not want us to discuss her situation and basically have told us to butt out. We are following her wishes. But the depression is very worrisome to me. Her husband also gives her no financial support and she is barely making ends meet on her salary. Do you think divorce would be the best thing for her?

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there and thank you for your question. I hear your concern and the love you have for your daughter so clearly in your words and I wish that everyone had that. To answer your question directly, indeed it may be the best thing for her to seek divorce - here's the rub - she needs to have her boundaries respected so that she can come to her own truth in her own time. Encouragement and support from you will likely be invaluable from you - but only when she is ready to receive it. Maintain connection and show love for her AND respect the limits she is setting on what she is and is not willing to discuss. When we give love and support unconditionally, our loved ones thrive. Your daughter is reaching out and getting the help she needs. Love her more and if you pray then pray for her. Use the Serenity Prayer for yourself as you'll catch yourself worrying about her.

Blessed be,

Jim

Question: Dear Jim, The question I have is this. My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years married for almost 2. I met him in a bar but had no idea on how extensive his drinking was until further in the relationship when I would find empty whiskey bottles hidden around our house. He seems to be verbally and some times physically abusive. Last year I kicked him out I filed for divorce and then decided to give him another chance. During the time when I kicked him out is was because of his excessive drinking his behavior ect. I had to call the cops and he ended up getting a year probation, a fine, had to be alcohol tested 2 x per month and attend anger management classes. During the testing I had caught him drinking a few times and mind you it is whiskey straight from the bottle! He promises he wants to quit drinking and be a better person. We are in an apartment and our lease is coming to be final and I have to give them notice by April 1st. He wanted to go to marriage counseling so we have been 3 times. I do not understand why he wants this marriage to work and he never learns from anything he has been through. I am his first marriage he has no children and he is my 3 marriage. He is 41 myself 50. He came home the other morning around 11:30 from a trip to the store. I thought for sure he was drinking. Sure enough I went out to his car and under his seat was an EMPTY bottle of whiskey. He did admit he drank half the day before and the rest upon his trip to the store. I don't understand what he is not getting about our marriage and that I am ready to not sign the lease. I feel in my heart for what ever reason he choses to sneak and lie about his drinking and I keep staying. I am looking for advice on what I should do??? I can see he is not going to change as with everything he has been through. He even told me the other day that when he would go for his alcohol testing he knew he would not get tested right away again so it was like he would go out and reward himself with alcohol.....What???? Is there something screwed up in his head or what. He has been working a temp job and has had many jobs since I have known him.....I am confused..Melinda

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi Melinda and thank you for writing to me.

Melinda, you know that your husband is an active alcoholic. You know that he's not trying to be sober. You know that the consequences of his actions have not changed his behavior, and from what you're telling me he shows no concern whatsoever as to how his choices impact you.

My gut feeling is you've been holding out for hope when you know there is none to be had. You know what the truth is and you know what you need to do for you...yet, choosing what's best for you is not what you're accustomed to doing.

I have Sarah Bareiles singing in my head right now

"All my life, I've tried

to make everybody happy

while I just hurt

and hide

waiting for someone to tell me

it's my turn to decide."

It's your turn Melinda. It's time to take care of you and to listen to what your intuition is telling you.

Always listen to your gut - especially when you don't like what it says.

Maybe check out some counseling for yourself? Relationships are hard work. I'm wondering about how you relate to you?

Screw the lease - move on - set yourself free.

Very best,

Jim

Question: Hi Jim, I am not living with an addict, but instead have fallen in-love with an individual in recovery. Sober since May 2010 and very active in AA, she is so inspiring to me and I feel lucky to have even met her. I grew up with an alcoholic Mother who to this day is in denial. I have been involved with Al-Anon on and off throughout my adult years. Now that the foundation is set, here is my dilemma. My new love recently showed some character defects that I am not okay with. She however is so honest about them and acknowledges the negative seeking behavior and creating chaos ways that its hard to be upset. I appreciate her honesty and commitment to continual growth. She is so real and refreshing. I am finding though I do not know how to respond when such incidents happen. My fear is I never want to be a contributing factor to her relapse and I know relationships are number one cause. However, I can not just sit in silence cause when I do that upsets her too. How do I effectively communicate with such a delicate situation. I am in love with her, she is worth it and I feel blessed, but unequipped. Any advice? Thank you in advance.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Absolutely delightful to read your question and to hear from such a sensitive soul as you.

I have nothing but good news for you - starting with this: Your partner alone is responsible for whether or not they use/drink. No one else in this world bears that responsibility. Relationships are not a cause of relapse. The choice to drink or do drugs is the cause of relapse (that may sound like I'm being snarky but what I'm really doing is emphasizing personal responsibility).

The concern regarding relationships is that we ought not to make significant changes in our first year of sobriety. Entering into a new relationship with less than a year sober generally is a distraction as we take the focus off of ourselves and onto those we start dating. Your partner has more than enough sobriety - it is quite likely that they have never been in a healthy relationship and this may well be uncharted territory (Sarah Bareiles has a great song "Uncharted:)

Don't walk on eggshells. Just be genuine and if you get stuck please consider some short term couples counseling.

Good luck!

Question: I want her to change. She is so embarrassing when she is drunk which is every night. I never know if she is going to yell at me for nothing or crawl into bed to try and snuggle with me and then ends up just passing out in my bed smelling like disgusting ALCOHOL and I have to sleep on the floor. She is a good mom and I don’t want to hurt her but when I try to bring it up in the morning she makes it into a joke or gets angry at me for being a drama queen. I made a video of her and I just showed it to her and now she is locked in her room crying. Did I make a mistake?

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there and thanks for your question. It's good to hear from folks who struggle with female partners - we hear more often about men and alcohol. You were not at all wrong to show her the truth about her behavior. You did her a very loving and honorable service. The difficulty is - what will she be willing to do with her new found awareness. Active alcoholics tend to accept very little if any responsibility for their hurtful behavior. I encourage you to focus on your needs and the needs of the children.

Trying to push an active alcoholic to change is an exercise in futility - all we can offer is the truth and our support in them choosing to heal and do the right thing. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I am a huge believer in Al Anon and Nar Anon as supports for the loved ones of those in addiction. I hope you will seek support for yourself regardless of what your partner chooses.