Question: Are there any on 12 steps based programs for family members of alcoholics. I have tried alanon and it was not a good fit for me.

Dr. James Strawbridge Says...:

Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families and friends of alcoholics. It is non-professional. It does not counsel or advise its members nor does it endorse or affiliate with other agencies or organizations.

Since 1954, alcoholism has been recognized as a chronic, progressive disease. Alcoholism affects the mental, physical and spiritual being of the alcoholic and their families. Al-Anon has been in existence since 1951. Its meetings are held in 115 countries with thousands of members. All Al-Anon members have a variety of relationships with the alcoholic. Sometimes it is a parent, teen or adult child, spouse/partner, sibling, grandparent or friend. All members can offer and receive insight to recovery from the effects of this disease but it's not done in one meeting.

Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship for relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other in order to solve their common problems. Al-Anon is not an “I” Program. It is a “We” program. Alcoholism is a family disease and changed attitudes can aid your recovery with the help of Al-Anon's fellowship. If you don't find one or two groups that is of your liking, go to another group. However, it would be better to find one and stay there until you can come to grips with your own needs and express them to the group in order to gain some feedback helpful for you.

Question: My brother gave up drinking and drugs last month. I don’t know exactly what he was using but I know he was drinking every day and doing cocaine and if he is like everyone else around here I am sure he was doing a lot of pills too. I am really proud of him for quitting but ever since he quit he has just sat at home and watched TV, like all the time. At first I was just happy to see him not drunk or stoned but now I am starting to worry about him. Is this normal behavior for the first month of being clean and sober? He is generally a really sociable guy so to see him at home all the time and by himself is really out of character. He is just so down and he doesn’t want to do anything. Should I encourage him to get out and do more or should I just leave it alone since he isn’t drinking or using drugs?

Dr. James Strawbridge Says...:

Your brother's behavior is a response to his use of alcohol and cocaine together and their effects on his brain chemistry. When cocaine is consumed with alcohol, people actually experience the effects of three drugs, not two. The cocaine results in a breakdown product known as cocaethylene. Cocaethylene is a psychoactive drug. Psychoactive drugs are chemicals, substances, and medicines that have a generally rapid effect on a person's mood, emotions, behavior, and thinking. For example, changes in mood include stimulation, sedation. and euphoria. Behavioral changes can include an acceleration or retardation of movement or activity. Changes in thinking can include a speeding or slowing of thinking, as well as delusions, hallucinations, and illusions.

For people with addiction to any drug(s), life is centered around obtaining, using, and recovering from the effect of the drugs. They may feel disconnected from others, no longer a part of their world. They may feel that their lives are without meaning and that there is no higher power or spiritual purpose to their lives. They may feel that there is no power greater than themselves to which they can turn for help. The power (drugs) they have relied upon has promised everything but ultimately given them nothing. They either change or they go either to a mental institution, penal institution, or die pre-maturely. The choice is always a personal choice with consequences.

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Question: Hi, my name is Carla. I am writing to you about my 68 father. Today was a very bad day. We had a family day planned and again my dad had to ruin it by drinking rubbing alcohol. He is a very heavy drinker but now has turned to mouthwash, hand-sanitizer, rubbing alcohol... This has been going on for more than 30 years but has just gotten worse. He says he dosen't want to live anymore and my brother and sister back me up with whatever im going to do. I need to know whom my I talk to about this before he really hurts himself.

Dr. James Strawbridge Says...:

Your remarks indicate your father is alcoholic. This is a disease that keeps itself secret from the victim. While the
disease is dismantling the alcoholic's life, the alcoholic is working
to preserve the disease. We can compare alcoholic to someone who
thinks throwing gasoline on a burning house makes sense. Faced with
an inferno caused by addiction, alcoholics always return to the same
thought: another drink is the solution. This delusional thinking is
not self-induced; it's a symptom of the disease. 

Katherin Ketcham and William Asbury write in "Beyond the Influence”
alcoholics in denial have been called stupid, stubborm, selfish, and
pigheaded... but in reality they are simply following the dictates of
their addicted brains. This is why they can't accurately judge what's
happening to them, why they stubborly refuse to look at reality, and
why they can't “just say no.” Their brains are urging them on
using all sorts of physical and emotional prods. “Go ahead and take
a drink, it won't jurt you,” the brain cajoles.

Convincing an alcoholic to accept help is a formidable task, and, by
including another person you have a better chance. Selecting someone
your father likes and respects; a lifelong friend, sibling, adult
grandchild, or clergy-person. Whom ever you choose.

Question: How can I convince my parents to stop enabling my brother? He is an alcoholic and he has never really had a job that he can stick with for longer than a few months. He is in his 30s now but he still acts like a child and relies on my parents for everything. They still pay the rent on his apartment so any money he makes he can pretty much just spend it all on alcohol, but even with that he still managed to get evicted for taking that rent money for a couple of months and pouring it down his throat. He was the life of the party in his teens and early 20s, but now all his friends have moved on and he just stays at home alone and drinks by himself. My parents just can’t bear to see him face the consequences of what he’s doing to himself. But how is he ever going to stop when he has this easy life, and my parents are also getting older. What’s going to happen to him when he’s in his 40s and all of a sudden there is no one around to take care of his every need. They need to stop treating him like a child and he needs to man up and start taking care of his own self. He is smart and big and strong and there is no reason why he can’t take care of himself. I am so frustrated because I have worked so hard on him to try to get him to take some responsibility for himself and to try to get him to drink less but I feel like my efforts are just so totally undermined by my parents so it’s just all a waste of time.

Dr. James Strawbridge Says...:

You can hardly be involved with an alcoholic/addict these
days without hearing the term “enabling.” What does it mean? Simply that those
who live and/or work with addiction people tend to adapt in such a way that
they make it easier for them---indeed enable them---to continue their substance
abuse. Parents, family member, and spouses can fit into this category. They take
over the responsibilities of the sick individual, make allowances, forgive
unforgivable behavior, and continue trying to be loving and caring in the face
of abuse of the alcohol. Parents close their eyes to this and other suspicious
behavior, hand out generous allowances, and write absence notes for questionable
behavior.

Why do people do this? Not, oddly enough for the benefits of
the sick person---enabling harms the alcoholic/addicts. They enable in order to
meet their own needs. It’s an attempt to reestablish the relationship, to
counter growing alienation, to lure the alcoholic/addict back into the relationship
by providing a counter force to the alcohol or other drugs that seem to be tugging
the other away. Although this tactic may work very effectively to draw an
alienated but non-addicted family member back into the fold, it is ineffective
and actually counterproductive when used with victims of alcoholism/addiction.
Enabling poor— quality glue. It not only doesn't succeed at keeping at keeping
the family, or friendship together, it allows the disease to progress to a more
serious stage and worsens the prognosis for a good recovery.

Intervention

What can you do in the situation you have described? Stage
an intervention.

An intervention is group meeting at which family, closed
friends, and possibility a professional try to persuade an alcoholic that he
has a problem and should seek help. The intervention should stress the
importance of the family’s needs, allowing family members to ventilate their
feelings and frustrations with a supportive group present to help them make
their case. But it is not a time to beat up on the alcoholic, to punish or get
even. Its purpose is to help, out of love and concern.

An estimated nine our of ten interventions succeed in
getting the alcoholic into treatment. But even those that don’t succeed give
family members the feeling that, no matter what happens, at least they tried.

A really successful interventions helps not only the alcoholic
but those around him. It stresses the importance of their needs and persuades
them that, whether or not the goal of getting their loved one into treatment is
met, they need to change their own lives. It can also be therapeutic, since it
affords a forum in which they can finally tell the alcoholic how they’ve been
hurt by his drinking alcohol, allowing them to ventilate their feeling and
frustrations with the supportive group present to help make their case.

Who should
participate?

Those people who are closest to the dependent person and the
most influential. This could include close family members, close friends, a
cleargyperson, and doctor. Bring in those outside the family. Bringing in those
outside the family helps by making clear that knowledge of the problem and
concern about it have spread. The group should large (4-7) to have an impact
and show there is some interest and power behind the effort.Avoid asking anyone whom you suspect has a drinking problem
of his or her own.

The Intervention

1. There are usually nine
   basic steps.


2. Make a list of all
   potential participants’


3. Contact a professional who
   is experienced at conducting interventions. To find one ask for referrals
   from AA or Al-Anon friends, an addiction specialist, a local treatment
   cent (but no one you intend to use, since this could represent a conflict
   of interest). The American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM), or a
   local alcohol awareness council. Before agreeing to hire the professional,ask
   about the cost and manner of payment, and check his or her credentials and
   approach. Talk to the professional in person and try to gauge if he or she
   comes across as loving, compassionate way and will be able to direct
   family energy constructively. Avoid someone with a punitive militant approach.
   Ask for a couple of references.


4. Arrange a preliminary planning
   and education meeting , It will be helpful to have the professional there
   to explain how the intervention will work. Family members should be advised
   to attend one or more Al-Anon meeting before the intervention, so that
   they will better understand their own feelings the alcoholics and the
   disease they are dealing with.


5. Have everyone who will attend
   the intervention make a list of situations where they were hurt by the
   drinking behavior. Each incident should be a first hand incident
   accompanied by the following information: when it took place; where it
   took place; what the behavior was; how it related to alcohol; what was
   wrong with it (embarrassing, dangerous, and so on); and how it made the
   person recounting the story feel. When possible, be specific and about the
   amounts of alcohol consumed. Use recent incidents rather than those that
   could be dismissed as “ancient history.”


6. Get the facts on treatment.
   


7. Hold a rehearsal meeting.


8. Set up the intervention.
9. Do your lifesaving work

Do your lifesaving work calmly (as much as possible) have each
participant list and describe the events that have been damaging to work,
family, health, safety, and so on. Reading the prepared text or index card notes
will reduce anxiety and make certain that nothing important is omitted. The
attitude should not be vindictive, but rather sorrowful. Love and concern should
be constantly emphasized. When everyone is finished, ask, “Is this the way you
want to live your life?”

Clearly spell out the consequences to follow if help isn’t sought---but
only if you are really ready to follow through on them.

Outcomes

In the vast majority of cases, when an intervention is carefully
planned and well executed, the person being addressed agrees to get help.

Where to get help: The regional
alcohol and Drug Awareness Resources Network (RADAR) works in partnership with the National
Clearinghouse for alcohol and drug information (NCADI) and consists of state
clearing organizations, and others . Each RADAR Network member offers a variety
of information services. Contact the office in your state and, as needed, any specialized
center

Question: My 48 year old brother has borderline personality disorder and he also has diabetes and hepatitis C. He lives independently on a disability check in a room he rents near my home and since our parents passed I have been the person that kind of looks out for him. His health has worsened lately and so he has become eligible for home visits from a nurse and some sort of healthcare assistant. This has been really great because it took a lot of the burden off of me. The problem is he very hard to deal with and because can be very verbally abusive it has gotten difficult for the agency to find nurses who are willing to continue to visit him after a few visits. He can be very pleasant and charming at times, but as soon as something doesn’t go his way his entire personality changes and he can be very scary. He is a big guy and people often feel threatened although he does not ever become violent. I have tried talking about this with him and he really wants the home visits to continue but he just doesn’t seem able to control himself. I can’t bear the thought of losing this help. It has really changed my whole life for the better in a very big way. I can’t go back to the way it was before. Is there anything that could be done to control him better? I am close to washing my hands of him but without anyone he will just die and I can’t live with that either.

Dr. James Strawbridge Says...:

Your brother has many challenges all of which are chronic or they never go away. However, there is hope.

Mood Changes

The overall theme for this illness is rapid and unpredictable change, in thoughts, moods, behaviors, relationships, and beliefs about himself. When frustrating situations happen, he may become over-whelmed with anger and either lash our at others or keep the anger bottled up inside themselves. Battling emotional dysregulation can be very tiring and confusing. People with this problem are in severe physical, emotional, and psychological pain almost all the time. They often lack a sense of who they are. Very often, these rapid changes are caused by re-occurring fears of being criticized or deserted by other people. Small disagreements or change of plans can cause problems as emotional dysregulation. In response to these types of situations, a person with emotional dysregulation can suddenly become sad, nervous, angry, or short-tempered. Unfortunately, personality styles like this often create problems in relationships, jobs, and other situations. This personality style is officially referred to a “personality disorders,” and in many others as a “boderline personality disorder.”

The treatment of this problem most often involves a long-term commitment. On average, most people with emotional dysregulation go to at least six mental health professionals seeking the right person to help them. Many seek individual psychotherapy, group therapy, or family therapy, but in severe cases, hospitalization or inpatient care may be necessary.

Dialectic Behavioral Therapy

Many types of treatments have been shown to be effective for some cases. However, the treatment that has received the most validation for its effectiveness is dialectic behavioral therapy, which was developed specifically to treat emotional dysregulation. This treatment has been shown to relieve symptoms of emotion dysregulation, decrease the tendency to commit suicide, and decrease the tendency to misuse drugs. This last factor is especially important, because in one study, the absence of an alcohol or drug problem was the best predictor of symptom reduction.

Dialectical behavioral therapy balances the need for change with acceptance and understanding of current behavior. Furthermore, the treatment aims to broaden the ability to be mindful of the present, while also decreasing self-harming behaviors. Also it will teach new skills to regulate emotions, behaviors, and thoughts.

Medications

Many people with emotional dysregulation are also prescribed multiple medications. For example, small studies of some antidepressants have demonstrated some benefits. Fluvoxamine (Luvox) can decrease quick mood changes, While fluoxetime (Prozac) can decrease impulsive anger and impulsive hostility. Studies of antipsychotic medication, such as clozapine (Clozaril), risperidon (Resperdal), and olanzapine (Zyprexa), have also shown some benefits, including reduced hallucinations, reduced self-harming behaviors, reduced hostility and depression, and an overall feeling of improvement, especially when used in conjunction with dialectical behavioral therapy.

Similar small studies of the mood stabilizers vaproic acid (Depakote), the anti-convulsant to topiramate (Topamax), the anticonvulsive lamotrigine (Lamictal), and omega-3 fatty acids have also shown some evidence of reducing hostile behavior in people with emotion dysregulation.

Ask your family physician for a psychiatric referral. A psychiatrist can provide needed help regarding prescriptions.

References:

Abarini, M.C.., F.R. Frankenbury, J. Hennen,and K.R. Silk. (2004) Mental health service utilization by boderline personality disorder patients and Axis II comparison subjects followed prospectively for six years. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry 65: 28-36. Retrieved from Internet 04.24.2012. Retrieved from the Internet 04.25.2012

Rinne, F. W. van den Brink, L. Wouters, and R. van Dyck .(2002). SSRI treatment of borderline personality disorder: A randomized, placebo-controlled clinical trial for female patients with borderline disorder: American journal of psychiatry 159: 2048-2054. Retrieved from Internet 04. 25. 2012.Salzman, C., A. N. Wolfson, A.

Scatzberg, J. Looper. R. Henke, M. Albanese, et al. (1995). Effect of Fluxatine on anger in symptomatic volunteers with borderline personality disorder Journal of Clinical Psychopharmacology. Retrieved from the Internet 04: 25-29.

Coccaro, E. F., and R. J. Kavoussi. (1993). Fluoxetine and impulsive aggressive behavior in personality-disorder subjects. Archives of General Psychiatry 54: 1081-1088. Retrieved from the Internet 04.25.2012

Chengappa, K. N., R., T. Ebeling, J. S., J.Levin,and H. Parepally. (1999). Clozapine reduces severe self-mutilation and aggression in psychotic patients with borderline personality disorder, Journal of Clinical Psychiatry 60: 477-484. Retrieved from the Internet 04.26.2012

Rocca, P., L. Marchiaro, E. Cocuzza, and F. Bogetto. (2002). Treatment of borderline personality disorder with risperidon. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry 63: 241—244. Retrieved from the Internet 04. 25.2012

Schulz, S, C,m J, K, Camlin, S, A, Berry, and J. A. Jesberger. (1999). Olanzapine safety and efficacy in patients with borderline personality disorder and comorbid dysthymia. Biological of Clinical 46: 1429-14 Psychiatry 69: 242-244. Retrieved from the Internet 04. 27.2012

Schulz, S. C., K. L. Camlin, J. Barrachina, D. Puigemont, E. Alvarez, et al. (23005). Double-blind, placebo-controlled study of dialectical behavioral therapy plus olanzapine for borderline personality disorder. American Journal of Psychiatry 162: 1221-1224. Retrieved from Internet 04. 27.2012

Frankenburg, F. R. and M. C. Zanarini. (2002). Divaproex sodium treatment of woman with boderline personality disorder and bipolar II disorder. A double-blind placebo-controlled pilot study. Journal pf Clinical Psychiatry 63: 442-446. Retrieved from Internet 04.27.2012

Nickel. M. K., Nickel, P. Kaplan, C. Lahmann, M. Muhlbacker, K. Tritt, et al, (2005). Treatment of aggressive with topiramate in male boderline patients: A double-blind, placebo-controlled study. Biological Psychiatry 57: 495-499. Retrieved from Internet 04.27.2012

Tritt, K., C. Lahmann, P. K. Leiberch, W. K. Rother, T. H. Loew , et al. (2005) Lomotigine treatment of agression in female boderline-patients: A randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled study, Journal of Psychopharmacology 19: 287-291.Retrieved from Internet 04.27.2012

Zanrini, M. C., and F. R. Frankenburg. (2003). Omega-3 fatty acid treatment of women with borderline personality disorder: a double-blind, placebo-controlled pilot study. American Journal of Psychiatry 160: 167-169. Retrieved from Internet 04. 26.2012

Question: My boyfriend is addicted to heroin. He always says he will quit but never does. I found a 10 pack of syringes in his room with only 3 left. What is the point of no return with this drug? How easy is it for him to overdose and die from shooting up?

Dr. James Strawbridge Says...:

Heroin is a pain-killer and eventually a means of dealing with the realities of life. Interestingly, the body has its own pain-killing opiates called endorphins which are released in times of physical injury. Heroin is converted by the brain into morphine which then binds to the endorphin receptors all over the body, creating a powerful and pleasurable warm sensation.  

To understand the feeling of satisfaction produced by heroin, we can go to literature, where the following passage, from Nelson Algren's "The Man with the Golden Arm" offers telling description: "It hit all right. It hit the heart like a runaway locomotive, it hit like a falling wall. Frankie's whole body lifted with that smashing surge, the very heart seemed to lift up-up-up---then rolled over and he slipped into a long warm bath with one orgasmic sigh of relief...All he had to do the rest of his life was to lie right here feeling better and better with every beat of his heart till he'd never felt so good in all his life."

Point of No Return 

Heroin users understands these lines. Once addiction use occurs it not uncommon to use three or four times a day. The cost of each dose, which was originally a few dollars, has escalated to many times that amount. The user spends more time between injections just finding a supply. As a result, he may have trouble holding down a job. But even if he manages that, heroin may be eating up more of his income. Unless he is extremely wealthy or someone provides him money to buy the heroin, he will be tempted by the kinds of illegal activity that will raise the money quickly---prostitution, theft, robbery, embezzlement, and so on. 

In terms of physical dangers, the major risk of opiate use (heroin) is overdose, which can

be fatal if not quickly treated. There is an antidote to opiate overdose, Naloxone (Narcan), which can immediately reverse the symptoms. Prompt medical attention can easily mean the difference between life and death in these cases.

It is advisable to detox and receive treatment. Choose Help may be able to help with this.  

References:

J. Kaplan: The Hardest Drug---Heroin and Public Policy. (University of Chicago Press, Chicago/London, 1983.)

J. E. Zweben, J. T. Payte, Eds.: “Opioid Dependence and Methadone Maintenance Treatment.: (Journal of Psychoactive Drubs, No. 2, 1991.)

Question: I don't know what to do with my husband at this point. I don't want to give up on him. He has been an alcoholic for a little more than two years. He has been to rehab. He has been to multiple meetings. For a while he knew he couldn't drink. Now, he constantly lies about the drinking and he thinks that he controls it. He thinks that drinking a little before work or whatever is okay. He thinks that is, "controlled." He thinks that he is not effecting anyone. Well, he is really affecting me, my students, and all my family because I am not my normal chipper self. I tell him all the time, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Do you have any suggestions? My family tells me that he needs a long term live in place, but he doesn't seem into it. I told him if he loved me he would go, but that doesn't seem to matter. He thinks that if he has a real job, he would be better. I've been the one with the job for the last 6 years. He used to work for the forest service before that. He only did it to pay for school so that he could teach too though. When he got his credential though, no teaching jobs were there, so, he's been subbing. I think he might go back to the service. I feel really stuck.

Dr. James Strawbridge Says...:

Feelings Associated with
Enabling

By enabling a spouse, we help him
continue to drink alcohol and assist him in increasing the severity
of his addiction. Repeated enabling becomes the 'normal' way of
dealing with the alcoholic. As the disease of alcoholic dependence
progresses, the problems and conflicts that result increase, and so
do the feelings of discomfort.

When we begin enabling, we often
believe we are being helpful. When we find that our efforts are
ineffective and the problems continue and become more pronounced, we
feel frustrated, resentful, and angry. As the disease and the enabling progresses, the initial discomfort becomes intensified with
feelings that can include anger, rage, hostility, sadness, and
distrust. Sometimes we become totally numb rather than experience the
pain, or we become overly active to avoid feelings. The focus becomes
more and more centered on supporting and protecting the alcoholic and
centered less on our own needs. We often feel hopeless, defeated, and
depressed. This cycle of problems feeding problems continues until
we seek help.

Addressing
Enabling

To regain a sense
of ourselves and break the cycle in which we become trapped, enablers
must learn to focus on their personal rights and needs. They must
allow the addicted individual to feel the consequences of their own
behavior. As enablers, they should stop protecting the addict and let
them begin to feel the consequences of their addiction, and maybe
become very angry. At first, this can be frightening, but as we learn
that we are not responsible for the addicts problems, we feel
strength and pride in ourselves. We may also feel sad to see the
addict having to live with the consequences of their addiction.

The
self-deceptive features of addictive thinking and codependency have
much in common. In both, there are often denial, rationalization,and
projection. In both, contradictory ideas can co-exist, and there is
fierce resistance to change others. In both, there is a delusion of
control, and in both there is invariably low self-esteem. Therefore,
all the features of addictive thinking are present in both and the
only distinguishing feature may be the chemical use.

The
Three Cs

A helpful beginning for
help would be Al-Anon. It endorses the rule of the three Cs: You
did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. But
many people do feel responsible for another's addiction, do try to
control it, and do believe they can cure it.

Question: Our 34 year old daughter is in an in-patient facility for opiate use. We realize we have enabled her for many years, and are now learning that we need to stop. However, when she is released, she will still have a job (as an RN) but no money & many bills because she & her boyfriend used the last of her money before we forced her into rehab by telling her she needed to move out of the trailer she is renting from us if she did not get help. My question.... Do we help her with these bills to reduce her stress during the critical weeks after rehab, or tell her that she's "on her own" because we are no longer going to enable her?

Dr. James Strawbridge Says...:

Essentially “enabling” is helping your daughter avoid the consequences of her behavior (drug use). Another form of enabling is nagging or fighting with your daughter over her use. This can give her an excuse for further indulgence.

From this perspective, it looks like you can do no right. If you try to talk her out of using, she will give you an excuse. If you try to protect her job and and keep her from ruin, you're helping he avoid consequences. What is the best thing to do?

Take care of yourself. Make sure that you have support for dealing with this problem. This can be as simple as talking to friends, or you may want to get counseling or attend a support group such as Al-Anon.

Finally, learn how to talk to your daughter about the problem(s) in a way that is non-judgment and “non-nagging” as possible. Discuss how concerned you are, how her behavior makes you feel, what your fears are, and why you think there is a better way. Talk about how the drug use is causing problems that she may not notice. Remember, addicts often think that drugs are the solution rather than the problem---try to help her see otherwise.

For example, if she says that drugs are the only way that makes her feel good, remind her of other things that she used enjoy (possibly music, work, friendships, sports, etc.). Stress that the nature of addiction is to push out all other sources of pleasure and then present the illusion that nothing but drugs is fun.

Question: My ex was a meth user who abandoned us 3 years ago, when my son was 7. Although my husband was a pretty crap spouse for the last years of our marriage, when he was around he would always try to be a dad, as best as he could and my son worshiped the ground he walked on. Needless to say, it devastated my son when his dad disappeared and it took him years to get over the abandonment. Actually, I don’t think he’s really over it, but at least he has accepted it and he never cries for his dad anymore. It was very hard for him and very hard for me to watch him with such sadness. Well, a couple of days ago my ex showed up waiting for me as I got off work. He says he is back in town now and that he is 4 months clean and that he is born again. He says he is sorry for all the hurt he has caused and he knows that we will never be back together again (he is right) but that he wants to get to know his son again. He knows he was wrong though and he doesn’t want to create any more pain, he says, so he will let me decide and say when and how the two can meet. I don’t know what to do. The last thing my son needs is to fall back in love with his dear old dad only to have his dad screw him over again. On the other hand, if my ex really is sober and going to stay that way, it is too cruel for me to keep him from his son and his son from his father. If only so they can get to know each other. I think I want to wait though until I can see he is not going to go back to the meth before I allow them to get together. How long should I wait to see if this is going to happen? Or maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should let my son meet his dad again while he is clean, because who knows how long this will last. This could be his last chance for all I know. Is it more damaging for my son to met his father again and have him be disappointed or to not meet him at all. I also haven’t told my ex that I am considering not letting them get together at all for a while, so if I say that to him his story might change and he might just show up at the house or something. That would not be totally out of (his old anyway) character.

Dr. James Strawbridge Says...:

The horror of meth is undeniable, its power to ruin lives and families is beyond dispute. It may be the most destructive drug ever encounter...It seems to destroy everything and everyone in its path.

With the information you have shared, I suggest that
you wait but you will have to decide how long. That decision should not be an emotional decision.  It should be based on facts. If he has been clean for four months, that is a good, but more time is needed to validate or
repudiate that he can remain clean.  

All decisions have consequences. He decided to use Methamphetamines. He needs to learn to live with that decision and face the consequences without using. You and your son have had to learn to live with the consequences of his decision. 

It has taken time for his addiction to develop and it will take time to deal with the consequences and regain his footing in society. Wanting to re-establish a relationship with his son is understandable. However thoughtful consideration is needed before this happens. I would suggest that you talk with a professional therapist in the community where you live. Furthermore, I would suggest that you go a Nar- anon Group meeting. This has proven to be a support for spouses of abusers. You will meet people who may have had many experiences such as yours. There are meetings across the country. Get on the internet and discover where in you community meetings are taking place.