Question: Due to my alcoholism for the last 12 years my children had to spend a lot more time taking care of me than I took care of them. I thought I was a fun dad. I did not see this at the time but when I look back at it me getting drunk and playing in the pool with them was not really being a dad and them helping turn me over on my side on the couch when I passed out so I would not choke on my throw up was not their job as kids (and I could provide many examples like this unfortunately). Now I am 9 months sober but my children still look carefully at my eyes when I come in after work and I can feel them smelling my breath whenever we are in close quarters. When I am in a bad mood they try to cheer me up but they do it in a way that is from fear that I will drink. I wish they could stop being so afraid. I feel shame and guilt every time I see them afraid because of me. It actually makes me want a drink more than anything else. They are so used to looking after me and worrying for me that they cannot stop it even after nearly a year without a drink. How can I stop them from trying to parent me? I don’t deserve them and I don’t deserve a chance to be their dad but since I have it I want to make up for the past.

Dr. Ari Hahn Says...:

It is really great that you have been able to get sober and stay that way for so long. You must take a lot of pride in your transition. In all likelihood your kids do also. However, they will never become the children you wish you had. Their caution is healthy, and it is important that you accept it. In fact, if you can find a way of accepting it, it will be easier for them to grow out of their present perceptions. You, in fact, already know this. How do I know that you know? Because you write: "I feel shame and guilt every time I see them afraid because of me. It actually makes me want a drink more than anything else." It is your feeling of shame and guilt that is your stumbling block. It is possible that they are aware (at some level, maybe subconsciously) that your difficulty of accepting the relationship as it is right now is putting you at risk. That will only make the situation worse. It is really completely in your hands to celebrate your achievements and accept their caution. As you get rid of your fears and grow further away from a life of alcohol and addictions they will follow. But you must be patient with them. It will take way longer for them to feel confident than it will take you to change. Trust that it will happen.

Question: My husband is a marijuana addict. He started smoking when he was 14 and he is still smoking now that he is 32. Now he is trying to quit. We have 2 children and I made an decision that I was not going to put up with marijuana in the house any longer. They are 6 and 8 and they are old enough to start to suspect that something is wrong with their dad when his eyes are all red and also it gives him mood swings and they never know what they are going to get with him. It is not good for them. Now he has not smoked for three weeks. He is so grouchy all the time. He blows up at me for any little thing. When I get angry about how he is treating me he never fails to remind me that I am the reason why he is in such a bad mood. I kind of think that he is not grouchy from quitting any more and that he is just getting revenge on me for making him stop. Should he still be so angry all the time after three weeks?

Dr. Ari Hahn Says...:

First, I want to commend you and your husband for taking this step and working on quitting. Although many people still believe that marijuana is not addictive, it has become obvious in the last 15 years that there are clear withdrawal symptoms and it is just as difficult to quit a marijuana habit as other drug habits.

There are a number of studies that describe what happens when a person tries to quit smoking marijuana. They all include irritability. But how long should he stay irritable? One study states that most people "return to baseline" after one week while another notes that almost all of the participants remained irritable until the end of the study after 28 days. So it is 100% possible that your hubby is still going through withdrawal. And since there is no way of predicting how long it will go on in his particular case, it might be for at least a few more weeks.

That might not sound so good, but the real question is how to deal with it. The goal is to turn this lemon into lemonade. The real problem, here is that he is blaming you when he gets angry. That, of course, is not unusual even without drugs in the picture. Being directed towards somebody is painful. But anger, or more precisely, irritability, does not have to be focused on a person. It is always an internal process that gets attributed to something or someone. As a couple, you have a wonderful opportunity to learn the skill of experiencing irritability without blame.

Here is the message that you need to convey: I now that you are grouchy and hot tempered now because you are quitting. I am happy that you chose me over Mary Jane. You could have chosen her and left me. But it is not me that is upsetting you, it is the process of withdrawal. I am here to help you, but not if you are attacking me. Calm yourself down, and then we can talk. Take your time because it is not you or me, it is the struggle to clean your body of the effects of 18 years of the drug.

You are probably wondering how long should this go on for? I really do not know. I have not seen any long term studies. But the question is if he has issues that were covered up by the tranquilizing effect of marijuana? If there are, he might need to deal with them in therapy. But it will not be your place to make sure he goes to therapy. He needs to recognize that there are issues (if in fact there are, I am not saying that there are issues) and he needs to want to deal with them. Identifying issues can take months. And you will recognize them first while he will be denying them. If there are issues, you need to be patient.

Regardless, if both of you can realize that irritability (whether from withdrawal or any other reason) is an internal state that each individual needs to take responsibility for without blaming others you will both benefit greatly from this experience.

Question: My 26 year old brother has been in and out of treatment for heroin and other drugs several times. He has overdosed two times, the most recent being a week ago. He lives with my parents. I have two kids myself (9 and 8). My mother is taking it personal that I don't allow my kids over there. I don't see things getting better..they say things like, we are just happy he is alive and if he is alive there is hope. My relationship with my parents has deteriorated...I had to distance myself, and of course my kids are missing out on a close relationship with their grandparents. What to do...i lose sleep over this!

Dr. Ari Hahn Says...:

If the only reason that you do not want your children to be at your parents' house is because your brother is a heroin addict I think that the situation is workable. If he is dangerous for your children for other reasons the story will be very different.

I think the biggest problem for you seems to be that this issue is destroying your relationship with your parents. From their perspective they are watching their son fade away and as a result losing a daughter and grandchildren. That has to be very, very difficult. Could you make an effort for your parents to enjoy your children in some other way? Is it a problem for them to visit you? For parents who need to deal with an adult child who has an overwhelming problem, grandchildren can serve as a fantastic mood rejuvenator.

Another issue is that you need to deal with your children’s relationship with their uncle. I assume that they know about him. I would suggest that you make sure that they know all about the addiction and how devastating it is. If he is a good uncle they should know that the drugs are killing him and every time he overdoses (if he does again) they should feel the pain also. That will help them learn the dangers of addiction. If he is not an uncle that interacts with them in a positive manner (but does not harm them) you would need to talk about your pain from the drugs and your parents’ pain from the drugs. Children can learn how to live when their parents use negative examples of how not to behave.

Of course, if he is abusive of your children in any way you should not bring your children to where he is. Explain that to your parents and try to work out alternative ways of getting together.

If you think that there is a genetic tendency in your family towards addiction it is actually more important for you to address this issue now. Ten year olds have been known to experiment with drugs and alcohol. With a living example of the dangers and how not to behave 8 years old is definitely not too young to educate.

Question: My wife is a recovering alcoholic. I found a bottle of percocets in her underwear drawer. She doesn’t have any pain problems and the fact that she kept the pills hidden where I never normally look rather than in the medicine cabinet speaks volumes (I was only in there at all because I wanted to surprise her with some new lingerie and needed to find out sizing information). When I confronted her on this she admitted that she took one once in a while when she was having a very hard day. She says she’s had the pills for over a year and she only took one once in a while, a couple a month or so. She said she didn’t want me to worry and that she was embarrassed by her need for this but that it was either bend once in a while with a pill when things got too heavy or break entirely and fall back into drinking (which was very bad). I can understand because I will have a joint every once in a while to take the edge off and sometimes it helps. But I do not have an addictive personality like her, though she has been doing so good for so long. Do you think she needs to get back to do another treatment program? She was at Caron 7 years ago.

Dr. Ari Hahn Says...:

The quick answer is that she should not necessarily go now into another treatment program. She might not be using the narcotics in an addictive manner. I think that the first step should always be to work on the assumption that she is telling the truth. But that does not mean you should trust that she is telling the truth. It is all too easy to dull pain, be it physical or emotional, with chemicals. Your first goal is to figure out if she has a problem right now, or has a potential serious problem.

Tell her that although you are concerned about the potential for abuse, you believe her. Tell her that she should keep them in the medicine cabinet because, although she does not have a problem now, you want to be there for her if she will have a problem. Keeping it a secret is dangerous for her health, and because you love her, you want to be there for her.

You might want to suggest alternative ways of dealing with "hard days." Is there some sort of positive activity that you can do with her or encourage her to do? Maybe a sport, or dancing, or even going out to eat. You might make finding a healthy alternative a joint project. A fun board game with your spouse might even be a substitute for a joint as well.

But keep an eye out. Watch the pills. Learn the side effects such as dry mouth and bad breath. Narcotics also promote snoring in some people. If you can learn the signs that she took narcotics that day, you will be able to see if she really has a problem. Then you can (possibly) confront her.

It would be helpful if she is in a 12 step program. This is where a mentor is helpful.

I wish you a lot of luck.

Question: My youngest brother (51) is a raging alcoholic. We were very close when we were growing up, but have been estranged for over a year now. He cut me out of the loop because I told him he needed help. He told me to mind my own business and not to contact him ever again. Of course I feel guilty but I have adhered to his wishes. However, his birthday is coming up and I am wondering if I should send him a birthday card. If so, what do I say in the card, or should I just sign my name and tell him best wishes for a happy birthday

Dr. Ari Hahn Says...:

Your poor brother was probably an enraged raging alcoholic when he told you to butt out. I don't think there's any doubt that he does not want to hear you discuss his addiction. On the other hand, there must be a place inside of him that he is sorry for the loss of your relationship. The message that he is giving to you is really that his relationship with the alcohol is more important to him than his relationship with you. While this is really unfortunate and painful, that is what defines an addiction. I think it is safe to assume that he would like you to keep contact with you as long as you do not confront this major problem. But that is a question you will have to decide for yourself. Which is more painful to you: the loss of the relationship with your brother or watching your brother destroyed himself with alcohol?

Regardless, I think it would be a good idea to acknowledge his birthday. I hardly have enough information to tell you what to include in the birthday card, but some handwritten words expressing your love for him could only be helpful. It might give the message that even though you cannot approve of his drinking habits, you still love him. I would not reference the alcohol at all since you have already demonstrated that your intention is to respect his wishes.

One exception. I think it is pretty well established that "raging alcoholics" don't usually change their habits until they hit rock bottom. If he is close to hitting rock bottom then it would be better for you to ignore his birthday. In other words, if he is losing his job and/or his immediate family and you do not want to go in and show moral support when he needs to fall flat on his face.

I wish you the best of luck.

Question: I'm hoping you can help me. My 52-year-old brother is an alcoholic who lives with my 80-year-old mother. He has been an alcoholic for years, with a few sober moments in between. My father passed 2-1/2 years ago, and my brother has pretty much been drunk ever since. He is destroying my mom, her house, etc. I have BEGGED my mother to throw him out, but she refuses. I think she has convinced herself that she can "save" him. Yet, I think the ony chance he has is to suffer the consequences of his drinking. I live one mile away, and feel totally helpless. My mother isn't interested in being educated about alcoholism. She still thinks he will one day wake up and quit drinking simply because she has asked him to!!! The entire situation makes me sick to my stomach. He passes out in the garage, and my mother works for hours to drag him back into the house. He sits in a chair and pees himself, and my mother works to get him into his bedroom, then goes about cleaning everything up behind him. I am looking for information on how I can learn to cope with and/or accept this situation. I worry about both of them constantly. I can see sadness and sorrow all over my mother, but cannot get her to toss him out. At this point, I have nothing but contempt for my brother, especially when I see what he is doing to her and how he speaks to her. Please point me in the right direction.

Dr. Ari Hahn Says...:

I really feel sorry for you. But it seems like you have a situation which is way beyond your control. I certainly understand how you feel totally helpless. In a sense, you probably are. It sounds like your mother has been a very dedicated and caring person all of her life. If your brother moved in after your father passed away and has been totally dependent on his 80-year-old mother for the past 2 1/2 years, he must've known that he would be taken care of. Your mother and your brother are adults making decisions for themselves. Although I hesitate to say that they're making "conscious decisions", they are still decisions made by adults. I might guess that on some unconscious level your mother feel a sense of satisfaction that she is able to help and care for her son, especially after she no longer has a husband to take care of. (Even if she wasn't actively or intensively caring for her husband.)

However, I don't think you should be left out of the picture. I don't think you are able to change the situation, but I think you can be a great help. If the situation, on some unhealthy level, helps your mother feel like she is contributing to her family and is serving a purpose you will not be able to change this symbiotic relationship. But you certainly can help your mother. I don't think it would be useful to help her care for your brother but you could help her in other ways. Taking her out for lunch and refuse to talk about your brother. Treating her to a massage. Or some other activity that could take her mind off her troubles and for a few minutes give her some relief. Concentrate on being the supplier positivity to this situation. If you can't fix it, at least you can make it a little bit easier on your mother.

There is one big danger of the situation. I hope your mother lives a long and healthy life. It is natural for children to survive their parents. Your brother will be used to being completely cared for. There's a good chance that he will turn to you. That, of course, would not be healthy for anyone. Unless you want to take care of him, I would make it very clear in words and actions that such a situation will never be an option. It sounds like you're doing that already, but it's still important to mention.

Question: My son is coming home from prison in 3 weeks. He was physically abusive to me before going to jail but that was because he was using so much meth and crack he didn't even have much of a grip on reality anymore. He says he is clean now and he has been working an addiction recovery program in prison. He is asking if he can come home to live with me again since he has nowhere else to go. I want to help him but I am scared it will turn out like last time. Is there anything I can do to help him stay off drugs so he can stay with me without getting violent?

Dr. Ari Hahn Says...:

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is protect yourself in an absolute manner. In other words, make it real clear that if he is abusive to you in any way he is out on the street. 

The threat might help him stay clean. However, it is not easy for you. I suggest that you write down on a paper what type of behaviors he might do that will cross the line. Share it with him. Make it clear again. And follow through if you need to. Don't be afraid to kick him out if he is the slightest bit abusive. That is likely to happen, because that it the only way that he will really know that you are serious. 

Question: I have had some difficulty maintaining romantic relationships. I can start in with them but they rarely last more than a month or two before something goes really badly. I read about the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics and some of what was on the list really described me, like I lie instead of telling truth, even when it makes no sense to, I am way too serious and have a hard time letting go and having fun and I am loyal to people even when they don’t really deserve my loyalty. My mom was (is) an alcoholic but I never thought that it was something that was affecting me. She drank a lot and was unreliable but I am very used to her ways and she is still a sweet person and I love her. There are no dark issues lurking below the surface. Could my childhood growing up with an alcoholic be affecting my relationships today? It would feel weird going to an ALANON meeting or something, since I don’t really have any problems with my mom.

Dr. Ari Hahn Says...:

Two paragraphs is certainly not enough to know if having an alcoholic mom was enough to cause difficulties in your romantic relationships. However, it is possible, especially if you feel that you have no problems with her.

Parents are our role models for intimate relationships. For better and for worse. As a good, loving daughter you accept your mom with all of her qualities, for better and for worse. You are very used to her and appreciate her sweet and loving ways. 

But in your mother's life there is an additional relationship that made her unreliable in many ways, some obvious and some subtle. You know that a person can be worthy of love and be unreliable. It could be that there is a sense of unreliability in your love (romantic) relationships that you perceive as instability and infuses a negativity that disrupts the relationship. Mind you, this is just an initial hypothesis. If I know you better, this though might prove wrong (or right) or we might come up with other possible reasons.

As a therapist and a coach I can see the two possible ways for you to approach this problem. If you want to do therapy, a therapist can help you delve deep into your past and uncover patterns of behavior that have and are contributing to your behavior that is sustaining this difficulty maintaining romantic relationships.

You can also employ a coach who can help you set goals to get over your obstacles in your present and future relationships. This would not focus on your relationship with your mother, but might utilize your own ideas expressed and not expressed) of what happens in intimate relationships. 

Another advantage of having a coach is that, since it won't focus on your relationship with your mother, it is less likely to disrupt your relationship with her. 

As always, I strongly urge you to get qualified help. There are many relationship coaches out there, but since that is an unregulated industry, there are also many unqualified people. Someone who is both a professional (social worker, psychologist, counselor, etc) and  coach is preferable. If you would like to talk to me about this further, my information is on this website.

Question: My 75 year old alcoholic mom broke her hip while drunk 6 weeks ago. She is due to be released from the hospital in the next couple of weeks. Her therapy assessment indicates that she is not longer capable of living on her own. I had not had much contact with her for a while and she is also clearly having some issues with dementia, probably alcohol related. I do not have a good relationship with my mother. She is an abusive person. She physically abused me as a young child and has been verbally abusive to me my whole adult life. Because of this I have basically cut her out of my life. Now she has nowhere else to go and no money to pay for any care. I have put her on a waiting list for a public long term care facility but I am told the waiting list is about a year to get in. It looks like the only place she can go from the hospital is to stay with me. I don’t know how I am going to make it through the next year. I know that I have to do this (I have decided that I have to, even though I don’t want to) but she is still very abusive to me and to especially to my husband, who is a saint for allowing me to bring her in. How can we survive this next year as a family without losing our sanity to this terrible woman? I am not sure we are going to be able to do this…

Dr. Ari Hahn Says...:

Unfortunately, they don't know any way to guarantee that
you'll be able to live through the difficult period of time with your
describing. I do, however, have quite a number of suggestions from my own professional
experience. I have worked with quite a number of families who feel overwhelmed because
of their difficult family responsibilities. There are many many ways of coping
and finding different avenues of support. When I do work with a particular
individual or family can always find some sort of customized combination of coping
and support.

Of course, you do realize that it is not completely rational
to put yourself through the hell that you are proposing. Don’t get me wrong. If
I were in your situation (which I never was, and never will be, Thank God) I believe
that I would make the same decision and “rescue” the woman only because she is
my biological mother. But it is important to know why you are doing this. The rationale
for making the decision in the first place will give clues as to where you will
find strength to go on when the going gets tough.

Is it a religious decision? In other words, are you doing it
because it is the moral thing to do? If yes, how far does that moral imperative
go? Do you believe that it is a test from God? Or an opportunity to be a good
moral person in spite of difficulties and suffering? Is there a sense of guilt
that would overcome you if you do not care for her? Or is it just wrong to be
able to save a human being and not do it, even if she were not your mother?

You will need outside support. Do you have a community that
shares your belief system that engendered your decision to help your mother? Do
you have other relatives that would show appreciation of your efforts? Do you
have relatives that would ridicule or degrade you for your efforts? If you have
a priest, pastor or rabbi that will support you it would be helpful. Friends
and relatives are good for short term and occasional support. They tire very easily.
It is important to cultivate their support.

There are questions which need to be answered concerning how
much caring your mother actually needs on a day-to-day basis. When you need to
take a vacation from her how long you can get away from her and leave her in
the house alone? Can you leave her alone in the house for three hours or three
days? Do you have the means and ability to give her her own living space? How
much independence can you give her in the kitchen?

There are questions which you will have to address
concerning you in the relationship with her. While it will undoubtedly be
difficult and painful to live with an abusive woman, you might need to teach
yourself that she can only inflict as much real damage as you allow. Much of
the pain of having your mother in your house will be a result of the terrible
history you have with her. Her mean and evil ways inflicted much damage when were a child, but now you are an adult and her behavior will be more painful than damaging. But this is a perspective which is very difficult to learn and
incorporate into your life. This is part of the process of therapy. I do not think that therapy will address your needs right now. Nonetheless, it certainly can achieved with the
proper help and support.

I strongly suggest that you get a coach to help you through
this difficult period. I specify a coach because in that modality there are two
distinct advantages over having a therapist as a support system. First,  coaches are more available and have the mandate to assist you in times of crisis.
Second, coaching is focused on solving practical problems and issues. A coach
focuses on your own special strengths and coping mechanisms as they apply to
your own particular situation. Additionally, the focus is on the present and
the future; how you're going to cope now and for the next week. The therapist
will focus on how your history of being abused by this woman is complicating
your relationship with her at the present time. While this can be important and
useful, it is not very efficient when you need to cope right away, right now.

While I'm sure that there are other coaches who specialize
in this area of assistance, I am not really aware of it. I can help you if you
want. On the other hand, if you look and find other coaches who specialize in
helping families who were overwhelmed because of their responsibility to family
members, please tell me about those other coaches because I typically take a
very limited amount of clients and need other competent professionals to refer
people to. Again, whether you engage me for professional support for somebody
else, I think it is extremely important that you do engage a professional
coach.

Question: My brother in law has a history with addiction. I am at present living with my sister and her family in their guest cottage as health issues have left me unable to work. I am forever grateful for their help and I don’t know where I would be without them. They are also all lovely people and I am happy to have them in my life. My sister and her husband are much younger than I am and still working. I have lupus and I take several analgesics for pain. Some are opiods. Over the last couple of months I have started to notice that my prescriptions were running out a little faster than I thought they would. It is not really a problem for me since I have a wide discretion over how much pain medication I want to take and I don’t usually use nearly as much as I am prescribed. I just prefer to feel clear headed I suppose even if at the cost of a little discomfort. My brother in law comes into my cottage daily to help me tidy the place up and to help with little odds and ends and we usually sit and have a coffee together after. He usually goes to the bathroom where I keep the pills while he is here. Because I was having some suspicions about pills going missing I decided to count and write down how many pills of each kind I had before his visit and again after. He must have been taking some when he went to the bathroom everyday because when I recounted after he left I saw I was short 4 pills. Now I don’t know what to do. I am so much in their debt that I do not want to make any trouble for them. I do not know if I should simply move the pills to a more secure spot and not say anything or if I should get involved in their lives and talk to my sister about what is happening. I am not an expert on addiction but he did require some treatment in the past about 10 years ago so maybe he does again. To me however, he seems to be acting quite rationally – for all I know he isn’t even using them himself. I am loathe to act the busybody, but as a health issue, does my sister need to know about this, even though it may cause discord in their marriage.

Dr. Ari Hahn Says...:

My opinion is that you should just keep the pills out of his reach. He will know why they disappeared. You might even tell him. The big question is if he is having problems with work or his marriage because of the addiction. Since you cannot really influence his situation (besides keeping your medication from him) I would think that involving your sister would not be helpful unless you know that she is already dealing with this issue. As bad as the addiction is, it can get worse if he were to feel great emotional pain that is not already there.

I must admit that not everyone would agree with me. But in my experience, an addiction that is on a steady maintenance level and the person is functioning, is better than using painkillers to kill additional emotional pain.