Question: my husband is in an inpatient treatment facility getting help for crack/cocaine/soboxone/xanax. Before he left he left a trail of damage that hasnt been dealt with leaving me angry and alone once again. I want him to get the help he needs and live a successful sober life together. My question is when is it ok to bring up the issues that are left up in the air. I dont want to set him off or trigger a relapse when he comes home but there are serious issues that i feel i need to deal with and unanswered questions about things that happened before he left. He wants me to come and visit which requires a 2 day class to understand what he is going through and addiction. i plan to do whatever it takes to support him but there is no class for him to take that explains what i am going through because of his actions. When does it stop being all about the addict? Is there ever a day that happens? I need things to be about healing and repairing damage that i have been through as well

Anna Deeds Says...:

Thank you for your question. You are absolutely right that everything cannot be about the addict. As his wife, his addiction has affected you in many ways. I suggest you start going to Nar-Anon meetings for support and to deal with your feelings about having an addict for a husband. Use the link to find a meeting in your area.

Part of recovery is learning to deal with the mess you have made and taking responsibility for your actions. I do understand your concerns about pushing him to deal with things too soon. Too much pressure can lead to relapse but only if the addict is not reaching out for help from the recovery community or addressing their ability to handle stress. He should be addressing many of these issues in rehab and learning how to deal with them without relapsing.

I suggest you bring these issues up with the staff of the rehab when you visit. The staff will better know how well your husband is progressing and how much he can handle. It sounds like a good rehab that they have you take a class before you visit. I suspect many of these issues will be addressed there. And you will probably have the opportunity to ask questions. Ask them if he is ready to handle some of the issues you need to discuss. And if not, ask when would be a good time to address them.

I also think you should both go to counseling when he returns home. Counseling will help you start to heal and can help you deal with some of the issues that are still unresolved. It may take time to resolve the many issues that result from an addiction. Take one thing at a time, prioritizing the most pressing issues first. Process your feelings about everything that has happened with individual counseling and Nar-Anon meetings. Your husband may need an individual counselor and you both may need couples counseling to deal with healing your relationship.

It sounds like you have patience and are willing to put work into repairing the relationship. If your husband is as willing, you should be able to resolve these issues in time and have a healthier, stronger relationship. Good luck to your husband with his recovery and good luck to you with yours!

Question: My husband has been an opiate user for a couple years now and just went into a rehab program. I need help on how to support him when he comes out of this.

Anna Deeds Says...:

Thank you for your question. I'm happy for you that your husband entered treatment. First, I'd like to recommend Nar-Anon which is a self-help group for family and friends of addicts. Addiction is just as difficult for family as it is for the addicted person. Nar-anon can be support for you and help you learn about addiction.

I think it would help you if you read and learned more about addiction. The more you know about addiction, the more you will understand what he is going through. This will help you to support him.

Addiction is a chronic disease. This means he will still have an addiction after he completes rehab and for the rest of his life. Most addicts believe they are still addicts even when they are in recovery and not using any substance. Because it is a lifelong issue, addiction needs treatment for life. What this treatment is depends on the individual addict. Some addicts become a part of a 12-Step group like Narcotics Anonymous (NA) or Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Others choose a Christian based recovery program. Addicts with mental health issues often go to counseling in addition to NA/AA.

Most of these programs help the addict discover what parts of their attitudes, beliefs or thoughts contributed to their addiction. They may help them relieve the guilt of addiction through making amends. They find other people who understand what they are going through. Fellow addicts can provide support and accountability for the addict. They show the addict how to live without substances.

In addition, many addicts in recovery find it helps them to do something on a daily basis for their recovery. This might be journaling, prayer, a daily inventory, recovery readings, exercise, helping other addicts and many other recovery related activities. 

Whatever it is that your husband does for his recovery, it will help him if you support him in doing these activities. In the beginning of his recovery, these activities may take up a lot of his free time. However, it is important that he do them. It will help if he gets encouragement from you and knows that you will help him stay on track with his recovery.

Another idea is for you to have couples or family counseling. Because addiction affects the whole family, it is best to treat the whole family. Family members often have resentments and issues with the addict that need to be worked through. The way you functioned as a couple prior to his recovery needs to change in recovery. There may have been enabling behavior. This is when someone helps an addict continue their addiction. The family's intentions are often good but they can be manipulated by the addict. There may also be communication problems in the family. You may be used to arguing or not talking about the addiction. These are things that need to change in recovery.

I wish you both the best and hope your husband does well in his recovery.

Question: Unfortunately both my daughter and her husband are alcoholics. They have a beautiful 8 year old son. They do the best they can but they are almost always drunk or drinking or hungover so they just aren't doing a very good job in my opinion and it is not good for him to see his parents passed out on the couch or acting crazy. I want to help him so he can understand what is happening around him and so that he can understand that none of it is his fault but I just don't think I am finding a way to get this through to him. My daughter denies that either she or her husband are alcoholics so she does not agree wit me that he needs protecting and the subject is obviously very touchy. What can I do to protect my grandson from the worst of it since there is nothing I can do to prevent him seeing way too much.

Anna Deeds Says...:

Bless you for reaching out and trying your best to protect your grandson.  It is unfortunate that he is growing up in an alcoholic environment.  He is at higher risk of becoming an alcoholic by growing up with alcoholic parents.  My suggestion is to start going to Al-Anon meetings.  Al-Anon is a support group for the family and friends of alcoholics.  You can find good support in Al-Anon meetings.  There will be people there who are going through the same or similar situations.  They will understand and be able to guide you in helping your grandson. 

You have to realize that you cannot change your daughter and her husband's behavior.  They will only change if they want to change.  What you can do is support your grandson, find support for yourself and not enable them to continue drinking.  Enabling is when family and friends do things to make it easier for an alcoholic to continue drinking.  Many family members mean well and think they are helping by enabling but it only makes it easier for the alcoholism to continue.  Enabling is when you do things like pay bills, clean up after, get them out of trouble, take the blame or any other behavior when you take responsibility for their behavior.  

I would also suggest that you take your grandson to counseling if that it is possible.  I understand that you are trying to help him without creating more trouble for him or yourself.  Alcoholics can be very defensive about their behavior.

You can take stronger action if you believe your grandson is being harmed by their alcoholism.  I think any child is psychologically harmed if they are seeing their parents constantly drunk, passed out or "acting crazy."  You can contact your local Children and Youth Services if you believe he is being neglected or abused due to their alcoholism.  I know that you may fear this may cause more problems than it solves.  Many people think that Children and Youth Services break up families or will immediately take the child from the home.  However, the purpose of Children and Youth Services is to keep families together.  They would work with the family to get help for their problems and only remove the child if they refused to get help.  This could be a wake-up call for them and they could learn how their behavior if affecting their son.

Whatever you chose to do, I wish you luck and hope you find support for yourself and your grandson.